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Girlfriend met her colleague outside office on coffee without my knowledge.


spartan99

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We are together for more than 2.5 years now. It's a long distance relationship. I've never cheated on her.

 

The first year of our relationship went really well. Then I got to see through things.

 

There have been a lot of fights between me and her because of her casual behavior towards this relationship. She kept looking back at her ex who also had cheated on her. I gave my everything in this relationship, and she just doesn't seem to care.

 

We fought a lot over her looking back at ex, and other things that she took and still takes casually in life. I asked her to promise me not to do that again.

 

This is probably the 5th time she has broken my promise of not hiding anything and met another guy in person. She didn't even tell me about that. That goddamn fellow is her colleague and for her it's still as normal as "he is just my colleague".

 

She now brings up things like I fight a lot, even on small things, but she doesn't talk a thing about her meeting with that guy who is her coworker. I found that out accidentally, they met outside, sitting right beside each other, very comfortable and merry.

 

It burnt everything in me. Everything.

 

I take the that I fought a lot over her past and her ty actions. She kept looking back at past and also kept asking me not to think of her past then, as it doesn't really matter. If it doesn't matter then why in the first place she was searching like crazy for her ex on social media. When I ask why she was doing that, she has nothing to talk about but just that I fight over everything, repeat everything, blame her, assault her.

 

She still keeps secrets even from the present. I don't understand this parallel privacy a girlfriend has to maintain with her boyfriend.

 

Is cheating the answer to fights which happened mostly because of her ty actions? I'm clueless.

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I don't see how meeting outside with her colleague, being merry and comfortable is such a great offense.

 

Both of you argue and fight a lot which is abnormal, toxic and dysfunctional. It's not the way to be. You're both the opposite of harmony, stability, compatibility and peace.

 

Perhaps both of you should go your separate ways.

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I think this relationship is virtually over, OP.

 

You want a different level of dedication and commitment than she is prepared to offer. You keep asking her not to do certain things, and she keeps doing them. She knows that she doesn't intend to keep such promises, and you continue to stick around even after those promises are broken. It's not necessarily that either of you is right or wrong in your expectations, but at some point, you have to stop trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. This isn't working and you don't seem right for each other.

 

But - I am curious how you know they were even sitting close together and "being merry" if you two are long-distance? How did you find out she'd met up with him? What does she mean when she says you assault her?

 

A big part of me wonders if she keeps things from you because she knows you are insecure and will freak out if you learn she's friends with a guy. Maybe she is hiding things because she's doing things she shouldn't be doing, or maybe she is trying to avoid upsetting you and going about it all wrong. I also don't see how having coffee with a coworker is a huge problem, but evidently, you don't trust her whatsoever. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship.

 

And no, cheating on her is not the answer. Breaking up is.

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I think this relationship is virtually over, OP.

 

You want a different level of dedication and commitment than she is prepared to offer. You keep asking her not to do certain things, and she keeps doing them. She knows that she doesn't intend to keep such promises, and you continue to stick around even after those promises are broken. It's not necessarily that either of you is right or wrong in your expectations, but at some point, you have to stop trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. This isn't working and you don't seem right for each other.

 

But - I am curious how you know they were even sitting close together and "being merry" if you two are long-distance? How did you find out she'd met up with him? What does she mean when she says you assault her?

 

A big part of me wonders if she keeps things from you because she knows you are insecure and will freak out if you learn she's friends with a guy. Maybe she is hiding things because she's doing things she shouldn't be doing, or maybe she is trying to avoid upsetting you and going about it all wrong. I also don't see how having coffee with a coworker is a huge problem, but evidently, you don't trust her whatsoever. Where there is no trust, there is no relationship.

 

And no, cheating on her is not the answer. Breaking up is.

 

Hello MissCanuck

 

Thanks a bunch for taking time to write this for me.

 

She wasn't able to reset her google account password, which I did for her. Then I checked her Google photos and found out the pics she clicked with that guy.

 

When I saw it first, I found it not right. Asked other people about the same, they reverted with "it's bad going out with the other guy when you are into something with a guy", even the people from west find that odd.

 

I've never hit her, but still, I'm became a person who tortures and assaults her. Now she sounds like every bad thing a female does can be justified.

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I don't see how meeting outside with her colleague, being merry and comfortable is such a great offense.

 

Both of you argue and fight a lot which is abnormal, toxic and dysfunctional. It's not the way to be. You're both the opposite of harmony, stability, compatibility and peace.

 

Perhaps both of you should go your separate ways.

 

Hey Cherylyn

 

Thanks for your advise. The first feeling I got on finding that out was really bad. I asked many people about the same, they told the same thing that it's not okay to go out with another guy when you are in a relationship.

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Just how long-distance are you, OP?

 

How often do you meet her in person?

 

I'm approx 2500km from her right now. We usually meet 2-3 times every year and spend 7-10 days together every time we met. There was a time when we used to stay connected via video call and texts, but for the past one month it feels like either I've not treated her well, or she doesn't give a damn about me.

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Hello Billie28

 

We live about 2500km away from each other and I pay her 2-3 visits every year and stay with her 7-10 days.

 

Ok so a 3-4 hr flight away?

And you visit her? Not the other way around?

So in 2.5 years you have spent maybe 50 days in total in her company?

The amount of time someone in a local relationship would have spent together in a few months of dating?

Yet without impacting on daily life just planned “holidays”?

 

Why would anyone treat this other than casual?

And when was the end date of it being long distance?

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It sounds to me like she’s tiring of this long-distance and turbulent relationship, OP.

 

I think you’re probably looking at a break-up in the near future.

 

I gave my everything to this relationship. Now seeking the best way to take revenge on her.

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Ok so a 3-4 hr flight away?

And you visit her? Not the other way around?

So in 2.5 years you have spent maybe 50 days in total in her company?

The amount of time someone in a local relationship would have spent together in a few months of dating?

Yet without impacting on daily life just planned “holidays”?

 

Why would anyone treat this other than casual?

And when was the end date of it being long distance?

 

Cz she promised she was damn serious about this. And now when she is not, and kinda cheating, revenge is what I want to take on her. Thank you sir for your valuable reply.

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Seeking revenge is immature, OP, and there is no reason for it.

 

Just walk away like a man and be done.

 

Sorry MissCanuck, but I'm so done with manliness, manners, and morals. Nothing seems to help right now. I'll show her what a heartache feels like.

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Cz she promised she was damn serious about this. And now when she is not, and kinda cheating, revenge is what I want to take on her. Thank you sir for your valuable reply.

 

I’m female not a sir.

Why would you take her words over actions?

And revenge for what???

Should we report your IP address?

What “revenge” are you considering???

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I gave my everything to this relationship. Now seeking the best way to take revenge on her.

 

I understand you're hurting, and that, in your hurt, the odds of what I'm about to say connecting are very slim. Still, I'll say them, hoping they stick—either now or deep into the future.

 

Go down the revenge route and you are basically building your own coffin and nailing it shut. It is the route of small men and small people, people who do not love—not others, not themselves—but instead live off bitterness, resent, spite, finding some kind of twisted comfort in victimhood. Ugly stuff, in short. The ugliest.

 

Be bigger than that.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like this relationship has been nearing the end for a long time. You're nervous, untrusting, possessive, jealous—not good, not who you or anyone wants to be. You've tried your best to talk to her and you didn't get the results you wanted. Sucks. But also? Life. People don't exist to please us, to reward us. They are just people, and we get to choose who we spend our time with.

 

So, yeah, you can choose to try to hurt her. You can make that choice to be a petty man—someone you will have a hard time looking at in the mirror, and who any woman, be it her or someone you've yet to meet, would do well to stay away from. Or you can choose to accept that this relationship isn't giving you what you need, and end it, so you can find what you're looking for, taking comfort in that you know you're capable of giving "everything," which is a beautiful thing even if we don't get what we hope for in return.

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It boggles my mind why anyone would be bothered by their partner, long distance or local, taking a 10-15 coffee break outside with a work colleague.

 

I often have lunch with a male colleague, we're work mates for heaven's sakes, and I am in 1.5 year committed relationship.

 

Are you her bf or prison warden? Good grief.

 

 

I've never hit her, but still, I'm became a person who tortures and assaults her.

 

Bolded -- This is extremely troubling.

 

My advice? Break up w this girl and get yourself some professional help.

 

Good luck.

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He needs professional help imo.

 

I agree with this, and I'm posting this here for you, OP. Not to attack you or to judge you, but with the hopes that you'll see a suggestion like this as the path accessing a strength that exists inside of you but is right now buried. The vengeful stuff—that's just throwing more dirt on your strength, pushing you further down a path where your weakness defines you.

 

I don't want that for you, or anyone. I doubt you can hear these words right now, but maybe they lodge somewhere in your head and heart where you can hear them in the future. Tomorrow, in a few years, some time. Hopefully.

 

People hurt people. It happens. It is part of life, part of trying to connect. I've hurt the way you hurt right now, and I've hurt others. Never maliciously, never intentionally. Just the sharp edges of humanity leaving a cut. Don't let those edges dominate you. It's really ugly.

 

Hearing a man talk about seeking revenge on a woman—there is truly nothing uglier. There is never, ever justification for that. A man who has those thoughts needs help. A man who reacts to those thoughts has lost himself.

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I understand you're hurting, and that, in your hurt, the odds of what I'm about to say connecting are very slim. Still, I'll say them, hoping they stick—either now or deep into the future.

 

Go down the revenge route and you are basically building your own coffin and nailing it shut. It is the route of small men and small people, people who do not love—not others, not themselves—but instead live off bitterness, resent, spite, finding some kind of twisted comfort in victimhood. Ugly stuff, in short. The ugliest.

 

Be bigger than that.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like this relationship has been nearing the end for a long time. You're nervous, untrusting, possessive, jealous—not good, not who you or anyone wants to be. You've tried your best to talk to her and you didn't get the results you wanted. Sucks. But also? Life. People don't exist to please us, to reward us. They are just people, and we get to choose who we spend our time with.

 

So, yeah, you can choose to try to hurt her. You can make that choice to be a petty man—someone you will have a hard time looking at in the mirror, and who any woman, be it her or someone you've yet to meet, would do well to stay away from. Or you can choose to accept that this relationship isn't giving you what you need, and end it, so you can find what you're looking for, taking comfort in that you know you're capable of giving "everything," which is a beautiful thing even if we don't get what we hope for in return.

 

Thanks a lot bluecastle, for taking time to write your valuable reply.

 

Yours and Miss Canuck's advises make sense and are not targeting me as a rude person. I want to tell that this heartache doesn't let me think much and I'm kinda stuck at taking a revenge which some people here are finding "extremely troubling".

 

I just want her to feel the same ache I feel here because of her. I'm not gonna kill her, smash her, or whatever these folks are cooking up in their small brains. My philosophy till now as a man is that those who cheat are not good people. And karma doesn't hit back at these people, as they are living their youth happily doing whatever they want while they f**k up someone's life in parallel.

 

Right now big things like being a man, and not the petty one, are not making much sense to me. It's just me and this heartache that doesn't seem to go away. I'll take my time though, to come to conclusion and let this phase end. I'll keep your advise in mind. Thanks a lot.

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I agree with this, and I'm posting this here for you, OP. Not to attack you or to judge you, but with the hopes that you'll see a suggestion like this as the path accessing a strength that exists inside of you but is right now buried. The vengeful stuff—that's just throwing more dirt on your strength, pushing you further down a path where your weakness defines you.

 

I don't want that for you, or anyone. I doubt you can hear these words right now, but maybe they lodge somewhere in your head and heart where you can hear them in the future. Tomorrow, in a few years, some time. Hopefully.

 

People hurt people. It happens. It is part of life, part of trying to connect. I've hurt the way you hurt right now, and I've hurt others. Never maliciously, never intentionally. Just the sharp edges of humanity leaving a cut. Don't let those edges dominate you. It's really ugly.

 

Hearing a man talk about seeking revenge on a woman—there is truly nothing uglier. There is never, ever justification for that. A man who has those thoughts needs help. A man who reacts to those thoughts has lost himself.

 

I don't get you guys. A man seeking revenge on a woman is not your "true" man. And we are living in the age where all are equal. A woman can throw excuses and blames at her man that he tortures and even assaults her. And when that man talks about taking revenge on the same woman, he needs professional help.

 

You guys are way beyond my philosophy. Hats off.

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It boggles my mind why anyone would be bothered by their partner, long distance or local, taking a 10-15 coffee break outside with a work colleague.

 

I often have lunch with a male colleague, we're work mates for heaven's sakes, and I am in 1.5 year committed relationship.

 

Are you her bf or prison warden? Good grief.

 

 

 

Bolded -- This is extremely troubling.

 

My advice? Break up w this girl and get yourself some professional help.

 

Good luck.

 

Pro-help? She has been blaming me for all this whenever I ask her why she is doing this to me.

 

Good luck with your further judgement.

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