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Thread: Girlfriend met her colleague outside office on coffee without my knowledge.

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    He needs professional help imo.
    I agree with this, and I'm posting this here for you, OP. Not to attack you or to judge you, but with the hopes that you'll see a suggestion like this as the path accessing a strength that exists inside of you but is right now buried. The vengeful stuff—that's just throwing more dirt on your strength, pushing you further down a path where your weakness defines you.

    I don't want that for you, or anyone. I doubt you can hear these words right now, but maybe they lodge somewhere in your head and heart where you can hear them in the future. Tomorrow, in a few years, some time. Hopefully.

    People hurt people. It happens. It is part of life, part of trying to connect. I've hurt the way you hurt right now, and I've hurt others. Never maliciously, never intentionally. Just the sharp edges of humanity leaving a cut. Don't let those edges dominate you. It's really ugly.

    Hearing a man talk about seeking revenge on a woman—there is truly nothing uglier. There is never, ever justification for that. A man who has those thoughts needs help. A man who reacts to those thoughts has lost himself.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I understand you're hurting, and that, in your hurt, the odds of what I'm about to say connecting are very slim. Still, I'll say them, hoping they stick—either now or deep into the future.

    Go down the revenge route and you are basically building your own coffin and nailing it shut. It is the route of small men and small people, people who do not love—not others, not themselves—but instead live off bitterness, resent, spite, finding some kind of twisted comfort in victimhood. Ugly stuff, in short. The ugliest.

    Be bigger than that.

    From what you've written, it sounds like this relationship has been nearing the end for a long time. You're nervous, untrusting, possessive, jealous—not good, not who you or anyone wants to be. You've tried your best to talk to her and you didn't get the results you wanted. Sucks. But also? Life. People don't exist to please us, to reward us. They are just people, and we get to choose who we spend our time with.

    So, yeah, you can choose to try to hurt her. You can make that choice to be a petty man—someone you will have a hard time looking at in the mirror, and who any woman, be it her or someone you've yet to meet, would do well to stay away from. Or you can choose to accept that this relationship isn't giving you what you need, and end it, so you can find what you're looking for, taking comfort in that you know you're capable of giving "everything," which is a beautiful thing even if we don't get what we hope for in return.
    Thanks a lot bluecastle, for taking time to write your valuable reply.

    Yours and Miss Canuck's advises make sense and are not targeting me as a rude person. I want to tell that this heartache doesn't let me think much and I'm kinda stuck at taking a revenge which some people here are finding "extremely troubling".

    I just want her to feel the same ache I feel here because of her. I'm not gonna kill her, smash her, or whatever these folks are cooking up in their small brains. My philosophy till now as a man is that those who cheat are not good people. And karma doesn't hit back at these people, as they are living their youth happily doing whatever they want while they f**k up someone's life in parallel.

    Right now big things like being a man, and not the petty one, are not making much sense to me. It's just me and this heartache that doesn't seem to go away. I'll take my time though, to come to conclusion and let this phase end. I'll keep your advise in mind. Thanks a lot.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I agree with this, and I'm posting this here for you, OP. Not to attack you or to judge you, but with the hopes that you'll see a suggestion like this as the path accessing a strength that exists inside of you but is right now buried. The vengeful stuff—that's just throwing more dirt on your strength, pushing you further down a path where your weakness defines you.

    I don't want that for you, or anyone. I doubt you can hear these words right now, but maybe they lodge somewhere in your head and heart where you can hear them in the future. Tomorrow, in a few years, some time. Hopefully.

    People hurt people. It happens. It is part of life, part of trying to connect. I've hurt the way you hurt right now, and I've hurt others. Never maliciously, never intentionally. Just the sharp edges of humanity leaving a cut. Don't let those edges dominate you. It's really ugly.

    Hearing a man talk about seeking revenge on a woman—there is truly nothing uglier. There is never, ever justification for that. A man who has those thoughts needs help. A man who reacts to those thoughts has lost himself.
    I don't get you guys. A man seeking revenge on a woman is not your "true" man. And we are living in the age where all are equal. A woman can throw excuses and blames at her man that he tortures and even assaults her. And when that man talks about taking revenge on the same woman, he needs professional help.

    You guys are way beyond my philosophy. Hats off.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    It boggles my mind why anyone would be bothered by their partner, long distance or local, taking a 10-15 coffee break outside with a work colleague.

    I often have lunch with a male colleague, we're work mates for heaven's sakes, and I am in 1.5 year committed relationship.

    Are you her bf or prison warden? Good grief.



    Bolded -- This is extremely troubling.

    My advice? Break up w this girl and get yourself some professional help.

    Good luck.
    Pro-help? She has been blaming me for all this whenever I ask her why she is doing this to me.

    Good luck with your further judgement.

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  6. #25
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    You currently have zero proof she is cheating, OP.

    And if she is, she doesn’t care enough about you to feel the same heartache that you do anyway - rendering “revenge” absolutely pointless.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What kind of karma do you think comes from making the conscious choice to hurt someone? What kind of peace comes from allowing rage to be your navigator?

    You're constructing a very simple story right now that feeds your rage, rewards your anger. In this story you are saint and she is a sinner. Minus the most extreme of situations—a relationship in which someone is, I don't know, chained to a radiator and beaten—this is never the true story.

    The story I see here? You're dating someone who was still a little hung up on her ex, who poked around on social media here and there in ways that bothered you. Pedestrian stuff, frankly. You talked to her about this. She didn't change. You stayed with her—a choice you made.

    Now you're mad at yourself for making that choice, because you didn't get the reward you wanted, and you're deflecting that anger onto her. That anger—at yourself—has magnified over time, come to define you to the point where you are more interested in finding ways to support your idea that she is a sinner—and you are the wronged saint—that you're going through her digital footprint like a glue-sniffing CIA agent. It's all gotten so out of whack that her having coffee with a man is enough to make you rationalize having sex with someone to hurt her?

    In that story there are no saints and sinners, just two people who really, really do not function well together, who have repeatedly proven that they bring out the worst, not best, in the other. Healthy people move away from dysfunction and toward functionality. Unhealthy people double (and triple, and quadruple) down on dysfunction. Right now you are not exhibiting healthy behavior. As for her behavior? That is something you have no control over, never did, never will. But you? You get to decide who you want to be.

    Sound lofty? I'll get personal. I've been cheated on, by which I don't mean she searched for an ex on Instagram and had coffee with a co-worker without telling me. I mean she had sex with two men while being my girlfriend. That was not fun. Other fun chapters in my pursuit of romance? I've been hit, had a woman draw blood from my face.

    My reaction to both those things? To walk away, accepting I'd gotten tangled up in something deeply painful and dysfunctional and that meant it was time to walk toward function. I did not "cheat back." I did not "hit back." That's not who I am, not a man I ever want to be, not a definition of "equality" I ever want to entertain for a microsecond.

    You want to call that philosophy? Fine. I call it being decent, being able to look at myself in the mirror without seeing something I hate in the reflection. Sh*t happens, as the bumper stickers say. It's who were are when it happens to us that defines us.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by spartan99
    Cz she promised she was damn serious about this. And now when she is not, and kinda cheating, revenge is what I want to take on her. Thank you sir for your valuable reply.
    Taking a coffee break with a male work mate is not cheating, nor is it kinda cheating.

    And anyone who considers it cheating (in this case you) has some serious issues with insecurity and control.

    People in relationships, even serious relationships as I am, are "allowed" to take coffee breaks with their work mates.

    And shudders, they're even "allowed" to have lunch together from time to time, again they're work mates.

    This is a very "normal" (for lack of a better word) for people to do. Whether in a relationship or not.

    The fact he is male is totally irrelevant and your issue to deal with and resolve, not hers.

    Again, I strongly advise professional help cause if you expect your partners to isolate themselves from others in order to appease or placate you, you will be losing a lot of girlfriends, if not all of them eventually, as it appears you have done with your current one.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Taking a coffee break with a male work mate is not cheating, nor is it kinda cheating.

    And anyone who considers it cheating (in this case you) has some serious issues with insecurity and control.

    People in relationships, even serious relationships as I am, are "allowed" to take coffee breaks with their work mates.

    And shudders, they're even "allowed" to have lunch together from time to time, again they're work mates.

    This is a very "normal" (for lack of a better word) for people to do. Whether in a relationship or not.

    The fact he is male is totally irrelevant and your issue to deal with and resolve, not hers.

    Again, I strongly advise professional help cause if you expect your partners to isolate themselves from others in order to appease or placate you, you will be losing a lot of girlfriends, if not all of them eventually, as it appears you have done with your current one.
    Coffee breaks at work? Or outside work? Be specific, miss.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by spartan99
    Pro-help? She has been blaming me for all this whenever I ask her why she is doing this to me.

    Good luck with your further judgement.
    spartan, I just have one last question for ya, then I'll go away.

    If your daughter or sister (if you have one) were dating a man whom you discovered wanted to "torture and assault" her (your words), or otherwise take revenge on her for doing something as innocent as taking a coffee break with a male work colleague, or anything else for matter, would you not be extremely troubled by that?

    "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

    Yes I am judging you, just as you are judging me now for my opinion.

    My question was rhetorical, but please at least think about it, because despite what you think of my "judgment", it is troubling, very troubling.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by spartan99
    Coffee breaks at work? Or outside work? Be specific, miss.
    Outside of work. Like across the street at the coffee shop!

    Or lunch at a restaurant down the block during their lunch break.

    What's your issue with this? Serious question, I am NOT getting it!

    Do you not trust her? To so something as innocuous as having coffee with a work mate at a local coffee shop outside the office?

    If not why the heck are you dating her?

    Please enlighten me! I am totally lost on your mindset about this.

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