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Thread: Is my ex looking to date other people already?

  1. #1
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    Is my ex looking to date other people already?

    Hi Everyone!

    Once again, sorry for my english, its not my native language.

    So I've already posted here a couple of days ago, but basically my first love and girlfirend of 9 years broke up with me and moved out about a week ago.
    I've stayed in NC for a week, and even though I have access to her facebook account, I've only checked it once. I know, its awful, and I don't want to look at what she's up to, because it makes my stomach turn but the temptation was too great I'm weak, and I can't let go of her. She basically looked up a guy's profile from work, and even though they haven't talked, it really hurts.
    She also saw my instagram post of moving out of our old flat myself to a new place, which made her really angry for some reason and had to talk to her sister to calm down. She didnt explain to her why it made her upset though, and told her she needs to keep busy in order to not think about stuff. She also blocked my instagram account after she saw that. She told her sister she doesn't want a realationship right now, but now I'm not sure what to believe after the whole profile checking thing.
    I guess I came for advice, but I already know what everyone is going to say. Move on, forget about her, delete her facebook info. And I know I should do all those things once I've tried everything and I have decided to let go. I promised myself the moment I would do that is when a new relationship is beginning to take form in her life, because at that point I will know its officially hopeless. And I guess this could be interpreted as a sign of that? But I still cant bring myself to delete her from my life, and I know that if this is indeed the beginning of a new relationship, I will only torture myself by checking her profile. Please help, I'm really upset and anxious. It feels like my whole world is falling apart.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm really sorry for your pain.

    Nine years is a long time, so this is going to hurt for a good bit—no way to sugarcoat it. Whether she's dating, joining a nunnery, weeping in a cave, getting drunk with friends—whatever she does right now is going to hurt because she's not doing it with you.

    So the question kind of becomes: How do you want to deal with this pain? Who do you want to be in it, knowing it will pass?

    Lurking on someone's social media feed, while not healthy, is basically par for the course in breaking up these days. But breaking into their account to monitor them? No. That is crossing a very bad line. You've got to be bigger than that, for you, because choices like that are the choices that harden into our character, who we are.

    Right now you are someone in tremendous pain—feel it, do what you need to do to cope. But don't keep doing what you're doing. It is neither helping you cope nor is it remotely forgivable. This has nothing to do with "deleting her from her life" but with "treating people with respect." Walk that line, always, even in pain.

    The idea that you promised to yourself you'd stop this once you start seeing someone else? Well, think about that clearly for a moment. Would you want to be at all involved with a woman who was, when she met you, signing into her ex-boyfriend's FB account and monitoring his behavior in secret? I don't think so. You'd want to be with someone who wouldn't do that—or, if they ever did, had stopped long, long before meeting you.

    What steps are you taking right now to cope? Are you spending time with friends? Have you called a therapist? These things are critical and can offer productive relief from the pain.

    Again, I'm so sorry. Breakups are torrential.

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    The idea that you promised to yourself you'd stop this once you start seeing someone else?
    Thank you for your answer. I agree with a lot of what you said, I certainly feel awful about what I did. One correction though, I wrote that I would let go once she starts seeing someone else.

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    Yes, she is looking to see other people, which really means you should stop all communications and information flows and work on yourself. She broke up with you after a year of neglect -- she had been thinking about this for a while and she is much farther along on the healing timeline than you are. To you, the breakup was a complete surprise. But what she is doing doesn't matter -- she has made it clear that she does not want to get back together. You need to cut contact and really do work on yourself so your next relationship will be more fruitful.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ah, got you.

    Doesn't change the overall tenor. Part of the strange thing about living in this moment is that social media and the internet gives the shadow an an ex a larger imprint. Makes it harder to get out from under by giving us more things to "hold onto," even when those things aren't real.

    Your relationship was real. It's impossible to "delete," just as the way you feel now is real. When people say "move on" they do not mean "forget about her," because no one forgets nine years of their life, let alone a special week or few months that comes to an end in whatever way it comes to an end. "Moving on" is working toward accepting what is really happening, and coping with the pain productively.

    There is not a human being on the planet who ends a long relationship and is not in pain. She, like you, is in pain now—that's why she got angry at your Instagram post. But how she chooses to deal with it is just that—her choice, her process, not something you can share with her, and not a verdict on you or the mark you've left on her.

    Just as your relationship will shape you in ways you still can't imagine, the choices you make in handling its end will shape you, too. Wail and flail—it's part of it. But make sure you do it in a way that allows you to be able to look in the mirror. That's important because, at the end of the day, the relationship you have with yourself is the only one that is truly forever.

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    Thank you for your kind words.

    Once again, I understand what needs to be done to move on. What a lot of people I've talked to have a hard time understanding is that I don't even want to let go at this moment. I'm still clinging on to the hope, that I can fix this. See, the things she got fed up with, she was right about them. I understand and agree with what she said and I was willing to change for her. It's just that she said she does not think I can change and she doesn't want to wait it out. So part of me just wants to prove that I've changed.
    The reason why I asked whether you guys think its a sign that she is trying to date someone, is because if that is the case, there is truly nothing I can do. But up until that point I just cant bring myself to start letting her go. There were other people in my life that I've let go of way too early and destroyed my relationship with them, and part of me wants to avoid that. Part of me wants to hope this can still be salvaged.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    All that you're feeling is totally normal.

    Monitoring FB? Again: no. Not normal, not acceptable. That basically goes against the whole idea of "changing for the better," you know? For a lot of people—myself among them—that kind of behavior would be enough to bolt the door shut for good. Not cute. In fact, scary.

    A few moons ago—six years, to be precise—I was in a version of your shoes. My gf broke up with my "out of the blue"—in quotes because of course it was something I knew she had been reckoning with, and it was combination of our lack of communication, my head in my ass, and a zillion things that no one can ever sort through that made it seem like she'd pulled out a sword from the vase of roses and sliced me down the middle.

    All I wanted was to have her back. Immediately and for a good while after the bomb went off. Saw every single place where I could have stepped up a little better, and was ready—right then—to step up. Didn't want to let go, and didn't. I worked through making those changes—not only for her, but because losing her made me realize that I wanted to make them for me. And so I did, of course hoping that they'd lead to us getting back together.

    Well, they didn't. Not soothing words for you right now, I know. But that chapter—that hard chapter—remains a seminal one for me, a time that I was able to grow up a bit and more into the version of myself I wanted to be, and am. I can't even pinpoint exactly when I let go—it kind of just happened, and we weren't in touch, neither of us were on social media, so this was all taking place in the void of my life and heart—but I guess what I'm saying is that it's okay to hold on for as long as you need to.

    But you have to do that while also respecting that she is, right now, letting go. Respect that, and feel the pain. Don't disrespect her, and yourself, by treating that pain in a way that, well, causes more. Tricky stuff, I know, but it's the best stuff.

    People, be they a stranger or a partner, do not exist on the planet to meet our needs and reward our growth; they're on their own journey, and sometimes that journey matches with ours, sometimes it doesn't. It is crushing when someone decides the shared journey is over when we didn't think so, but that's...well, it happens.

    Show her respect by accepting where she is; and show yourself respect by handling that in a way that is kind to both of you. What happens—next week, this year—is a mystery. But if you want her back it I bet you also want her to come back to the highest version of yourself, the strongest version, and snooping around through FB is not that version.

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    How have you changed if you're still snooping through her Facebook account?

    That needs to stop. It's a violation of her privacy, as you well know, and none of your business. Using it as a way to monitor her life until you decide to let go is plain wrong, and it keeps you living in false hope. You've arbitrarily decided that her meeting someone else will be your cue to let go, but really, the fact that she broke up with you was your cue to let go. There is currently no reason to believe she will come back to you even if she doesn't meet someone else right away. She decided to leave even if it meant being single; this all supports the idea that the relationship could not continue regardless.

    That will take time to accept, of course. 9 years is a long time. But the relationship is already over. Don't be one of those exes who lingers in the wings until the day reality punches them in the gut when they see a new guy in their ex's life. This is why it's so important you stop watching what she is doing and start learning to live this new phase of your life on your own. If she does decide to get back in touch, you will be in a better place. And if she doesn't, you will be better-equipped to one day meet someone new.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    This doesn't mean she "moved on". Don't torture yourself.
    Originally Posted by faradinh
    She basically looked up a guy's profile from work, and even though they haven't talked, it really hurts.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Is my ex looking to date other people already?
    The key word being 'ex,' the answer is that it's not your business. Put you eyes on your own paper and trust that if the two of you are really a meant-to-be deal, you'll both meet on higher ground someday, but you'll each need to focus on getting to that place on your own.

    Make it a private goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back from this to reach your own higher ground. You will thank yourself later.

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