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Workoholic partner


Moon13

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I have been living with my partner and his cat for about 3 years now and I've noticed some workoholic behaviours with my partner have increased since his demanding career change. His new career is exciting and I'm so happy for him. It is a time demanding job and he works roughly 90hrs a week. I'm very understanding with this, but what I can't shake is that he does so many people favours and ends up neglecting me, his cat, and our home. He has always been a people pleaser and a hard worker, it comes from growing up with a single mother. I just can't stand that he puts other people's unpaid requests before quality time spent with me, taking his cat to the vet (who has been puking for unknown reasons for over 3 months), and most of all his own health. He sometimes doesn't bother eating or sleeping so that he can work or do someone a favour... And then when he has a fraction of time it is spent sleeping. An example of how this weekend went: Worked his full time career job on Friday from morning to early evening, slept for a few hrs, worked an after hrs gig (not his job) and came home at 8am, slept all day, woke up and worked another after hrs gig (again not his job), came home and woke me up early (I had to work late), sat in bed and talked to me because he was too high to sleep (took drugs to stay awake for after hrs gig), and then rushed back out to do his co-worker a favour without eating or sleeping... He built his sister a backyard staircase... Calls me and tell me he won't be home for dinner because his co-worker is taking him out for dinner (essentially the reward system that makes him addicted to doing people favours). I have to clean the entire apartment again by myself, and take care of his poor cat who is attached to him and has anxiety now which I'm positive is the reason he is puking. I'm in tears. He is paid well, and does not need to take on extra work. He never plans anything with me because his career is random and demanding, yet he can plan to build someone else a staircase for free. I've expressed everything to him already in a logical sense with no tears so that a man can understand... he just says "my soul needs to help people" and I tell him he's neglecting me and not helping me... and then he says he understands and promises to do less for others so we can be more balanced, but then doesn't change. He is also currently money anxiety driven because he walked off the job site at his old job 2 years ago and was unemployed for a few months which put us into debt. He's obsessed with paying off his debt, and now he's in a habit where once it's paid off he will continue this way. What else can I do?

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You’re calling him a workaholic because he does favors for people other than you. Sometimes people in new demanding careers have to work that much at first. He seems like he loves to help people and work with his hands and take care of his cat. And he is not making you a priority - not because he is a workaholic but simply because he is choosing to spend his free time with others. Framing the issue accurately will help you figure out what you need. You would like to be more of a priority than all of those other people. I can’t say I blame you and I’m sorry he’s been so unavailable to you.

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What kind of drugs is he taking, OP? How long has he been doing this? That is a serious issue in and of itself.

 

This is not someone with their priorities straight. If that were the case, he wouldn't need to get high to work. He would be able to manage his multiples jobs and his home life more effectively. But a big part of me wonders if he stays away from home not solely for the financial or social pat-on-the-back, but because he's checking out of your relationship and doesn't know how to tell you.

 

At this point, he isn't going to change. You've voiced to him how much this concerns you. You need to decide now whether you can continue to tolerate this lonely life, or make changes for you that might spell the end of the relationship.

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Ok, start by not "I have to clean the entire apartment again by myself, and take care of his poor cat who is attached to him and has anxiety now which I'm positive is the reason he is puking". Don't be a martyr, maid or mother and do not entertain him when "he's too high to sleep". Also if you are not legally married he can not ruin your credit, only his.

 

The main problem seems to be substance abuse, not working too hard or doing friends/family favors. If "his soul need to help people" why isn't he helping you? Are these people who he get drugs from or uses drugs with? He doesn't have to help you because you are doing everything. Let him clean, cook, do laundry and take his cat to the vet, etc.

 

When you stop doing that and start being out much more, attending to your own family/friends more, attending to your own career, finances and and interests, you'll feel better and less resentful. Make plans with friends and family, take classes and courses you enjoy.

came home and woke me up early (I had to work late), sat in bed and talked to me because he was too high to sleep (took drugs to stay awake for after hrs gig. I've expressed everything to him already in a logical sense with no tears so that a man can understand... he just says "my soul needs to help people"
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At the end of the day I think it boils down to whether you feel happy and fulfilled in the relationship. Which it doesn't sound like you do to be honest. There are two people in a relationship and you are in it too and deserve to have time and affection with your partner.

 

I understand trying to pay off debts but working 90 hours a week is in my opinion pretty insane. In Australia where I live most people would work 40 hours a week at the most. If someone wants to work 90 hours a week, then I don't think they actually have time for any life outside of work, let alone a relationship.

 

Someone's relationship should be a priority to them and if he has no time for you, then something else has to give. Either the work hours need to be reduced or he needs to stop always helping other people, or both. And unless you are just an unemployed housewife, yes he does need to help around the house too.

 

It's not fair for you to be in a relationship where you don't actually spend time with your partner at all. So I think it's fair for you to ask him to change the situation. And if it never changes then you do deserve to find someone else.

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If you were married, you would take the cat to the vet automatically with no song and dance. he is doing the gig work because he is in debt. I agree that the drugs are the problem. I think people are rewarding him more with "dinner" as a thank you. I would get your own hobbies and decide if you want to stay or go. Personally, i would not fault him for wanting to get out of debt and feeling money insecure. But the drugs would be a dealbreaker for me.

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It sounds like this is what his work style is like, OP. You've voiced your concerns about the relationship to him and if he's telling you that his "soul needs to help people", then he's telling you what his priorities are. If you are not okay with this (and it sounds like you're not), you need to think about what you're still doing in this relationship.

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Your concerns are legitimate; life can seem to feel unbalanced when you partner works excessively. Conversations (when you can) about your partner being a workaholic should be approached cautiously and with compassion; let him know how you feel. Certain jobs are more prone to workaholism. As frustrating as it may be to not scold your partner for his overworking tendencies, stay positive. Work together to find a solution and for him re-examine his priorities. Blessings.

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Sweetie I speak from experience, the problem is not that he's a workaholic -- he's a drug addict.

 

My guess is meth or coke, which is why he's able to "work" or do whatever he does for 90+ hours a week.

 

Out all night?

 

Out with his druggie "friends" including women, doing drugs and partying all night.

 

I've been through this exact same things, my ex bf/fiance claiming he had two jobs, was gone most of the time "working," out all night, sleeping/crashing at odd hours -- turned out he was doing meth and coke all hours of the night (and day).

 

He was high when he went to work too.

 

I was in denial about it for a very long time, don't make the same mistake I did.

 

I eventually left, it was the hardest but best decision I ever made.

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The not eating or sleeping suggests drugs too -- like big time!

 

And his comimg home at 8:00 am in the morn, high and talking a mile a minute. Then crashing for a few hours, rinse/repeat at night.

 

His behavior jumped out at me, I recognized all of it!!

 

Not sure what to tell you, confronting him will do nothing!

 

He will just deny and lash out at you.

 

I left, after which my ex checked himself into rehab.

 

Anyway, I wish you luck, you're gonna need it, I'm sorry.

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Completely agree. Maybe that's also why he has so much chronic debt.

Sweetie I speak from experience, the problem is not that he's a workaholic -- he's a drug addict. My guess is meth or coke, which is why he's able to "work" or do whatever he does for 90+ hours a week. Out all night?Out with his druggie "friends" including women, doing drugs and partying all night.
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Wisemsn is right about the debt -- ex spent in excess of $150,000 of his 401K to support his habit.

 

After that, it was credit cards. He credit tanked!!

 

I mean think about it.

 

If your bf truly was legit working all those hours, 90+, he'd have plenty of money to pay off those debts.

 

His credit may be worse than you think too.

 

Again, I am sorry.

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I've asked... I can't afford it as I'm going through my own career change and barely scraping by for now. Believe me, I've offered to take the cat multiple times and he hasn't given me money. I do everything for the cat...

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He's stuck on an "okay" salary. He signed a contract for working over time. He works in the entertainment industry. He worked yesterday 9am - 11pm, and then picks up a shift as a video wall guy at an after hrs clubs. And everytime he's there I know 100% he is popping pills. And he was supposed to have today off... All of a sudden while he's at the after hrs club his boss tells him he needs to work 9am-11pm again. And he's supposed to work at the after hrs bar again after his crazy long shift. I'm in tears.. 4 hrs of sleep because I have anxiety. Like how can someone stay awake for 2 days straight!? And barely eat..

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He does coke and MDMA at the after hrs clubs. Sometimes aderal or speed. This is all to stay awake. But also he loves drugs and has no problem admitting that. He doesn't deny it. I have no clue if he is doing drugs during the week though.. but he very well could be and not tell me. Who knows. Maybe he's not a workaholic and I have it wrong. But he's obsessed with doing other people favours and over works himself. He never says no, even to me. I don't ask him to do favours ever because I want him to sleep or have time to catch up on responsibilities. I need to him catch up for my sake too. And I keep pushing about the cat.

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But I actually do those things. I don't make him meals anymore because it's pointless. He wastes his money eating out everyday because he has no time to prep food. I used to try and pack him lunch and he just forgets it or brings alot and doesn't eat it. Which makes me mad because I wasted my money on that food. So I stopped. I don't touch his laundry or his mess, only mine. If his stuff is in the living room I throw it in his mess corner of the bedroom. I have clients that come over so I have to have a clean space. And the people he is doing favours for are work connection friends. And most of them do drugs yes. He works in the entertainment industry..they probably all snort coke.

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