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Thread: Workoholic partner

  1. #1
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    Workoholic partner

    I have been living with my partner and his cat for about 3 years now and I've noticed some workoholic behaviours with my partner have increased since his demanding career change. His new career is exciting and I'm so happy for him. It is a time demanding job and he works roughly 90hrs a week. I'm very understanding with this, but what I can't shake is that he does so many people favours and ends up neglecting me, his cat, and our home. He has always been a people pleaser and a hard worker, it comes from growing up with a single mother. I just can't stand that he puts other people's unpaid requests before quality time spent with me, taking his cat to the vet (who has been puking for unknown reasons for over 3 months), and most of all his own health. He sometimes doesn't bother eating or sleeping so that he can work or do someone a favour... And then when he has a fraction of time it is spent sleeping. An example of how this weekend went: Worked his full time career job on Friday from morning to early evening, slept for a few hrs, worked an after hrs gig (not his job) and came home at 8am, slept all day, woke up and worked another after hrs gig (again not his job), came home and woke me up early (I had to work late), sat in bed and talked to me because he was too high to sleep (took drugs to stay awake for after hrs gig), and then rushed back out to do his co-worker a favour without eating or sleeping... He built his sister a backyard staircase... Calls me and tell me he won't be home for dinner because his co-worker is taking him out for dinner (essentially the reward system that makes him addicted to doing people favours). I have to clean the entire apartment again by myself, and take care of his poor cat who is attached to him and has anxiety now which I'm positive is the reason he is puking. I'm in tears. He is paid well, and does not need to take on extra work. He never plans anything with me because his career is random and demanding, yet he can plan to build someone else a staircase for free. I've expressed everything to him already in a logical sense with no tears so that a man can understand... he just says "my soul needs to help people" and I tell him he's neglecting me and not helping me... and then he says he understands and promises to do less for others so we can be more balanced, but then doesn't change. He is also currently money anxiety driven because he walked off the job site at his old job 2 years ago and was unemployed for a few months which put us into debt. He's obsessed with paying off his debt, and now he's in a habit where once it's paid off he will continue this way. What else can I do?

  2. #2
    Silver Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You can decide whether or not you can live with this permanently. He sounds very driven, and since you've talked to him about your perceived neglect and he hasn't changed, you need to do some soul searching and figure out what's best for your future.

  3. #3
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    Youíre calling him a workaholic because he does favors for people other than you. Sometimes people in new demanding careers have to work that much at first. He seems like he loves to help people and work with his hands and take care of his cat. And he is not making you a priority - not because he is a workaholic but simply because he is choosing to spend his free time with others. Framing the issue accurately will help you figure out what you need. You would like to be more of a priority than all of those other people. I canít say I blame you and Iím sorry heís been so unavailable to you.

  4. #4
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    Are you still seeing the woman you posted about late last year? Are you able to fill some of your time with her or anyone else?

    PS: Not accusing you of cheating, I understand you are in somewhat of an open relationship.

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  6. #5
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    What kind of drugs is he taking, OP? How long has he been doing this? That is a serious issue in and of itself.

    This is not someone with their priorities straight. If that were the case, he wouldn't need to get high to work. He would be able to manage his multiples jobs and his home life more effectively. But a big part of me wonders if he stays away from home not solely for the financial or social pat-on-the-back, but because he's checking out of your relationship and doesn't know how to tell you.

    At this point, he isn't going to change. You've voiced to him how much this concerns you. You need to decide now whether you can continue to tolerate this lonely life, or make changes for you that might spell the end of the relationship.

  7. #6
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    If the cat has been ill for 3 months then why on earth has NEITHER of you has taken him/her to a vet??? That is very neglectful of the poor creature. You live with the guy; there's no reason you can't take the cat and just ask your partner to reimburse you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok, start by not "I have to clean the entire apartment again by myself, and take care of his poor cat who is attached to him and has anxiety now which I'm positive is the reason he is puking". Don't be a martyr, maid or mother and do not entertain him when "he's too high to sleep". Also if you are not legally married he can not ruin your credit, only his.

    The main problem seems to be substance abuse, not working too hard or doing friends/family favors. If "his soul need to help people" why isn't he helping you? Are these people who he get drugs from or uses drugs with? He doesn't have to help you because you are doing everything. Let him clean, cook, do laundry and take his cat to the vet, etc.

    When you stop doing that and start being out much more, attending to your own family/friends more, attending to your own career, finances and and interests, you'll feel better and less resentful. Make plans with friends and family, take classes and courses you enjoy.
    Originally Posted by Moon13
    came home and woke me up early (I had to work late), sat in bed and talked to me because he was too high to sleep (took drugs to stay awake for after hrs gig. I've expressed everything to him already in a logical sense with no tears so that a man can understand... he just says "my soul needs to help people"

  9. #8
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    At the end of the day I think it boils down to whether you feel happy and fulfilled in the relationship. Which it doesn't sound like you do to be honest. There are two people in a relationship and you are in it too and deserve to have time and affection with your partner.

    I understand trying to pay off debts but working 90 hours a week is in my opinion pretty insane. In Australia where I live most people would work 40 hours a week at the most. If someone wants to work 90 hours a week, then I don't think they actually have time for any life outside of work, let alone a relationship.

    Someone's relationship should be a priority to them and if he has no time for you, then something else has to give. Either the work hours need to be reduced or he needs to stop always helping other people, or both. And unless you are just an unemployed housewife, yes he does need to help around the house too.

    It's not fair for you to be in a relationship where you don't actually spend time with your partner at all. So I think it's fair for you to ask him to change the situation. And if it never changes then you do deserve to find someone else.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    The real problem is, he's a drug addict. Him being a workaholic is just a side effect. People with vices don't make for the best catches.

  11. #10
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    If you were married, you would take the cat to the vet automatically with no song and dance. he is doing the gig work because he is in debt. I agree that the drugs are the problem. I think people are rewarding him more with "dinner" as a thank you. I would get your own hobbies and decide if you want to stay or go. Personally, i would not fault him for wanting to get out of debt and feeling money insecure. But the drugs would be a dealbreaker for me.

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