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Thread: Forward or Red Flag Creepy

  1. #71
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I don't think you were being paranoid, Thornz, I would have felt that he was being pushy and annoying and that's not attractive.

    Got nothing to do with you not being ready to date, etc.

    You were right, in my opinion. He was being rude by continuing to text when you had already told him you'd speak to him next week.
    Unfortunately I have a hard time figuring these things out so I'm very glad this forum exists for a 2nd, 3rd and 23rd opinion lol. I have got better at trusting my gut but still sometimes I'm uncertain, particularly regarding issues I am sensitive about, the relative ones in this instance being invasion of my space, respect of my boundaries and my ability (or lack) to assert myself when I feel uncomfortable with someone's behaviour. Given my sensitivity I wanted to check I wasn't going to knee jerk a guy out of a chance because I wrongly interpreted his behaviour as inappropriate. After the responses I'm very satisfied my gut feeling was reasonable. I suppose at the end of it, even if he didn't act inappropriately, I felt uncomfortable so we were not a good match. I ought to have come to that conclusion pretty quickly on my own but we live and learn lol

  2. #72
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    This.

    This definitely isn't just an issue with this particular guy (pushy though he was). I had a little look back at the last thread you started about dating and these quotes jumped out at me from the very first post:

    I loathe it!

    I would often cry because it was so exhausting

    Many times I had a breakdown

    After I told the last guy I didnt think it would go anywhere I cried more than when I was dumped by my ex

    it just feels like an absolute chore

    Online dating is obviously making you thoroughly miserable. So why do it?! Bluecastle gave you the following advice in your last thread, which I would totally agree with:

    I think that if you date because being singleófor a day, a month, a year, a lifetimeósounds awful then odds are dating is going to be pretty awful too. It's just an extraordinary amount of pressure to put on it allóto swipe, match, meet, and so on hoping that you'll find the thing that eliminates singledom. Makes anything less than perfect a catastrophe, basically.

    Speaking only for myself, I generally enjoy datingóand generally find myself getting into relationshipsówhen I'm genuinely thrilled and content being single. Hopes get raised, hopes get dashed, emotions get twistedóyeah, that's the game. But it doesn't drain the same way because, well, you're good wherever it goes. And with that attitude there's just less scrutiny about it allóless sizing people up after a few minutes, more space to get to know them, see what's what.


    Bear in mind too that there's other ways to meet people than online dating. Personally I love Meetup (for the social side as well as meeting the opposite sex) and am seeing a girl at the moment that I met at an event. Good luck!
    I didn't see that post!

    I think the conclusion to that thread was that I should take a break from dating and generally try and be more positive. I took a break, feel more positive overall and decided I would try dating again when I had less on my plate. Unfortunately I'm a person who likes a lot on my plate so I need to work on that since doing a hundred things plus dating is not sustainable.

    I find relationships (of any kind) generally can take a lot out of me, social skills take a lot of effort etc. I don't pick up on social cues like others seem to. I was actually discussing this with my doctor this morning. That coupled with my habit of loading myself up to the point of exhaustion means I often feel I don't have the energy for dating those who need a lot of attention or who need to be in touch all the time. I promised myself as soon as I finished my last uni deadline I would take time out to relax and recuperate but I haven't. Think that's exactly what I need to do and then I will have the energy it takes to date.

    Yes meetup is great! I used to run my own group on there but gave up when I started my last uni module. I'm active on loads of groups on meetup and other places. I would prefer to meet someone in real life but so far the few I've been interested in did not reciprocate and tbh they turned out to not be suitable anyway.

  3. #73
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Right - I understand and was asking a different question. To me "self-care" isn't the same as "focusing on myself" because the latter -the way you described it as meaning that you can't also date while "focusing on yourself" seems like self-absorption that -from what you said -can't happen if you are also dating -that was my question -what were you doing to "focus" on yourself specifically -that precluded the social interactions that come from dating. Also having emotional meltdowns from dating to me doesn't mean you should focus on yourself more - not necessarily -it might mean not dating at all but not dating doesn't have to mean you "focus on yourself" - you can focus on tons of things that are not "yourself" AND not date.

    If you meant "self-care" - I get that - and self-care to me doesn't have to mean "focusing on yourself" in that sense -I know of self-care that involves volunteering (it's one way I do self-care), or talking to a friend, or of course doing something self-focused.

    I think what you were trying to say was that dating exhausted you to a point of emotional meltdowns and therefore you needed to take a break from it. I was confused at your term "focus on yourself" as if a person cannot do things to focus on herself AND also date/socialize, whatever. That's why I asked originally what precisely you do to focus on yourself that somehow impedes dating or looking to date. Certainly if you don't feel like dating, you don't want to spend the time it takes, then the simple answer is don't -why bother? it's not a necessity in the least - and maybe you'll spend that extra time doing "self-care" or "focusing on yourself" or not.
    I think I follow and you are interpreting focus on myself literally. By focus on myself I mean reducing any activities that I feel require energy (such as social interaction with people I am not bonded to, and some I am that are a bit higher maintenance) and increasing any activities that make me feel recovered, energised, happy and may include activities that require literally focusing on myself such as introspection and certain types of meditation and activities that include focusing externally such as badminton, swimming, socialising. By focus on myself I mean put my needs first as much as is practical.

    I often miss the cues that I am overdoing it until things get pretty drastic which then requires a period of reflection and recuperation. By focus on myself I mean take time to regenerate by excluding a few things, one of which was dating. Maybe if I had excluded other things I might have had energy for dating. I did consider stopping my studies instead so I could continue dating and later considered stopping my studies anyway but I think I would have regretted that. I even came of Enotalone for a while.

    I need to figure out a balance. It's hard. Even now my commitments have reduced I find myself piling up more things to do. Will work through it tonight. Really consider what exactly boosts me and what drains me any why I choose to pursue so much stuff that is depleting. I just can't sit still and do not a lot unless I'm absolutely exhausted and then I can't do anything but. It's almost like I have to keep going until I've got nothing left. Stop until I feel better then off I go again!

  4. #74
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    It's good that you're being reflective enough to look at yourself generally, rather than micro-analysing the behaviour of this one particular guy.

    I think the important thing when meeting people (whether by online dating or whatever means) is to find a means where YOU enjoy the process. For some people, that is online dating. Other people really enjoy chatting up strangers in bars or going to speed dating. For me, I do genuinely enjoy Meetups. If I go to an event (whether that be a drinks night, a hike or whatever), I might chat socially to maybe 10 guys and 10 women through the course of the event. And even if none of the women are my type, I enjoy the event. I don't come away frustrated or upset or crying like you say you have with online dating.

    But it's a personal thing - what's important is to find what works for you

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  6. #75
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    I think I follow and you are interpreting focus on myself literally. By focus on myself I mean reducing any activities that I feel require energy (such as social interaction with people I am not bonded to, and some I am that are a bit higher maintenance) and increasing any activities that make me feel recovered, energised, happy and may include activities that require literally focusing on myself such as introspection and certain types of meditation and activities that include focusing externally such as badminton, swimming, socialising. By focus on myself I mean put my needs first as much as is practical.

    I often miss the cues that I am overdoing it until things get pretty drastic which then requires a period of reflection and recuperation. By focus on myself I mean take time to regenerate by excluding a few things, one of which was dating. Maybe if I had excluded other things I might have had energy for dating. I did consider stopping my studies instead so I could continue dating and later considered stopping my studies anyway but I think I would have regretted that. I even came of Enotalone for a while.

    I need to figure out a balance. It's hard. Even now my commitments have reduced I find myself piling up more things to do. Will work through it tonight. Really consider what exactly boosts me and what drains me any why I choose to pursue so much stuff that is depleting. I just can't sit still and do not a lot unless I'm absolutely exhausted and then I can't do anything but. It's almost like I have to keep going until I've got nothing left. Stop until I feel better then off I go again!
    Yes, I understand totally what you mean -just a word/definition issue. It is hard to find a balance and hard to express it with patience -even to oneself! I have to watch myself very carefully not to overdo it and get resentful/overly cranky etc - sometimes I misjudge and when I do it's unfair to subject others (i.e. son, husband, the woman who checked us in to camp this morning, etc lol) to my resulting mood. Yes I get it. . I think it's a VERY good approach to continuously evaluate -without getting obsessive of course - what your triggers are, what your needs are from day to day or hour to hour if it is that kind of day.

  7. #76
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    Where are you getting 7 days from? It was Sunday, next week is the next day. If it's such a big mistake to give your number out before the exact point you want to make arrangements then clearly I'm doomed to being a spinster 😂
    No. Youíll be a spinster because of the games you play...

    Look Iíll level with you, Iíve always believed there was something more going on with you, your posts just never ring true, I believe you create the issue, then complain about it.

    If you donít want someone to call you donít give them your number, if dating stresses you out donít do it. Dating isnít a need like breathing or eating, if you canít handle it pull up your big girl panties figure out why dating makes you cry and either fix it or donít do it.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 06-11-2019 at 09:39 AM.

  8. #77
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thornz
    I took a break for about 3 months.
    Clearly not long enough.

    Originally Posted by thornz
    Where are you getting 7 days from? It was Sunday, next week is the next day. If it's such a big mistake to give your number out before the exact point you want to make arrangements then clearly I'm doomed to being a spinster 😂
    To add... then why not say,Ē I told him to call me tomorrowĒ, you wrote you told him to call Ďnext weekí, no specifics, if it was that important he call at a specific time why not wait to give him your number, get his, or say call me on Tuesday at 4:20....if you didnít want to receive a call from a man bothering you to begin with why give him your number?!?!

    Games, you set up obstacles, the men donít make them through, you write a post about how itís their fault, you get coddled, you get validation that itís not your fault itís theirs and rinse, wash, repeat.

    You can be a smart a** to people in the comments till the cows come home, this is your life...we donít have to live it.

    ETA - you said you write this because you werenít sure and needed feedback, perfectly normal, but in the time Iíve been here, Iíve seen people who genuinely want feedback, they donít reject everything but what they want to hear. If you were genuinely confused about what you were doing and unsure youíd be open to hearing how your actions are affecting your outcomes...
    Last edited by figureitout23; 06-11-2019 at 09:55 AM.

  9. #78
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Unfortunately I have a hard time figuring these things out so I'm very glad this forum exists for a 2nd, 3rd and 23rd opinion
    I agree, there are lots on here with good opinions and it can be very helpful.

  10. #79
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    No. Youíll be a spinster because of the games you play...

    Look Iíll level with you, Iíve always believed there was something more going on with you, your posts just never ring true, I believe you create the issue, then complain about it.

    If you donít want someone to call you donít give them your number, if dating stresses you out donít do it. Dating isnít a need like breathing or eating, if you canít handle it pull up your big girl panties figure out why dating makes you cry and either fix it or donít do it.
    FIO hit it on the nose....

  11. 06-12-2019, 12:27 PM

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