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Thread: Forward or Red Flag Creepy

  1. #31
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    When I was online dating I never gave out my number until after I had met the person. Ditto for fb and any other social media. And I would not set up a meet up until about a month of talking online. I figure if a guy can't be bothered to get to know someone a bit before pushing to meet they aren't worth it.

    That said, everyone has different boundaries and respecting your boundaries would be the number one indicator that this is or isn't a good idea.

    You told him flat out you didn't want to talk yet and he ignored you. That would be the end of it for me. I see that as super pushy to the point of desperate. I would be blocking him ASAP.

  2. #32
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    I never wanted to get to know someone through typing because it was irrelevant to safety issues or whether weíd get along in person. I never met without talking by phone first. I screened out many men with a ten minute phone call. Much harder to lie that way and also I got to see a bit about how they interacted in a real conversation - because relationships arenít conducted over text. I did email and message at length once with someone over a 6 week period for logistical reasons. We dated for three months. He ended up having an untreated anger disorder which he told me about in month three. I was great at communicating through writing and I love having ďpenpalsĒ when it was unrelated to dating. But since I was only dating to find a husband and hopefully start a family I wanted the in person meeting and interaction to happen ASAP. So the phone call had to happen ASAP so I could screen out people who were unsafe, inappropriate or who I knew I couldnít carry on a nice convo with even for 45 minutes. I had great clicking emails and
    messages with men and the phone call was pretty awful. Didnít surprise me.
    I suggested meeting if they did not. I let him ask me out on the first real date. I didnít relate to men who wanted to email more or message before talking by phone and assumed it was because they were married and or just wanted a chat buddy or to sext with someone.
    Having said all that I respect anyone elseís boundaries and of course thereís no harm in limiting a dating pool as much as you like. I donít know of anyone whoíd be willing to wait a month to meet in person and never speak by phone unless it was long distance - or unless the person wasnít that interested in finding someone and enjoyed having a chat buddy and had the free time to spend typing messages back and forth with a stranger.
    But Iím sure those people exist despite my not knowing any. I do know of many people who stopped contacting people through on line who were unwilling to meet in person within a week or so absent very serious extenuating circumstances.

    The good thing about dating and meeting people is itís a luxury not a necessity - so any boundary at all is totally fine as long as the person accepts the downsides. I had a number of conditions others didnít have. So I can relate in that way.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He doesn't exercise discretion which is a huge red flag.

  4. #34
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    You are ignoring a big red flag! Surely, there are other men you can meet.

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  6. #35
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    He messaged me again last night asking how my day went and did I fancy a chat, he could call me back. It was 11pm! I told him ring me tomorrow or Thursday but text me beforehand and I'll let him know when I'm free. Going to message him this morning and tell him on seconds thoughts I don't think we're a good match because I value my personal space and he doesn't.

    Much like Batya I don't see any point in messaging online for weeks or even months on end. That isn't how you get to know someone and it's easy to build up a false impression of them. Also you can't gauge attraction via a screen so I am not going to interact at length with a person I don't even know I fancy. It's very easy for someone to pretend to be something they're not via message that is hard to keep up to in person. One of my exes I was messaging daily for 2 months before we met and it took me 2 years to realise he wasn't what he told me and another to dump him after that. I've had friends and associates who come accross one way via text and totally different in person. One in particular was charming and hilarious via text but awfully rude and not funny at all in person. One guy seemed lovely but when we spoke on the phone (or rather when I spoke) he has nothing to say, couldn't so much as make a conversation, let alone a good one. If I hadn't rang him early I would have ended up on a date with someone who subjected me to that level of social ineptitude in person! I was messaging a guy for about a month before I told him if we weren't going to meet I don't see the point chatting anymore. We met, I didn't fancy him. Waste of a month of lengthy messages!

    Even with the phone call you can't necessarily get a good idea of them without seeing their facial expressions. I have messaged a guy for over a week, then phone call in which I thought he was joking about certain things but turns out on the date, when I could more accurately gauge due to his facial expressions, he was being serious and offended by my humour (so why meet me then 🙄) turned out he was just horrible and a massive drinker. None of which I had picked up on the phone or by message. He couldn't filter as much in person as he did by message and over a short phone call. Anyway the date was awful, he knew this because he said himself multiple times he was giving a bad impression of himself, I agreed. He STILL tried to force his tongue down my throat at the end. Nope! Bye.

    I text briefly to see if we have enough in common and they meet my minimum requirements such as no kids or stable job etc, call then meet if they pass the call. Managing to screen out the majority of weirdos but unfortunately that doesn't leave many to date 😂

  7. #36
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    So with all the above said thornz, why didnít you just answer the guys call?

    You gave him your number and said to call you next week!? Then why not wait to give your number until next week?
    You did give him the impression that you were in fact NOT busy , his at home eating dinner and chilling.
    In my mind and probably his, thatís the perfect time to get a phone call in and work out when to meet.

    What cues does he need in order to call you?
    For you to say Iím at home , not eating and not chilling. Just doing absolutely nothing?

    What about respect for his personal time?
    You want to tell him to text you first and IF it suits YOU then he can call? Or YOU will tell him when does suit YOU?
    Had you any intention of asking him when it suits HIM?

    Why are you playing games?
    Why are you not meeting him halfway and making an effort to have a quick 5 min chat on the phone when essentially you were NOT busy?

    He is not wasting your time, you are wasting his.

  8. #37
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good idea. tell him you're not a good match and then delete and block him on all social media, including pof and messaging apps.

  9. #38
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    I think the guy was a little pushy and yes, eager, but I wouldn't say red flag creepy. I know that for me and probably a lot of people out there, you want to get a meet in ASAP, and you don't want to lose that momentum. This could explain this desire to talk and get a meeting time set up right away. I do have to agree with Billie28, that if you weren't in the mood for phone chat, why not wait until you are ready before handing out your number? This eliminates some of the question and confusion, or simply say, I can't talk tonight, but are you free tomorrow? If you were interested in meeting this guy, I think it would be reasonable to suggest alternatives - call on Monday/Tuesday or let's set up a date to meet on Thurs/Fri/Sat...etc.

    The other issue I would be concerned about is that guys (and women) who start out hot and fast, tend to burn out just as quickly. I would be wary of two things - either overly clingy or one of the fast burning flames...but that can be further assessed upon meeting in person or upon that phone call that gets arranged.

    I found your approach a whole lot of not really caring one way or the other, and this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but a little bit of enthusiasm can be useful in eliminating anxiety and question as to what's going on...do they just want to be pen pals, are they always this busy, are they toying and playing games, are they truly interested in meeting someone, etc. I have been passed over because some guy was able to meet another person before me and they wanted to give that a go; I've had dates cancel for someone more interesting (I assume, maybe the babysitter did cancel), etc. From what guys say on these boards, women have a lot more options, so the men tend to want to get their foot in the door pretty fast sometimes...and this can likely come across as the exact opposite of what they intended.

    If the guy creeps you out, he creeps you out. I won't argue that fact, as I'm not the one in communication. If you have narrow boundaries, that will limit the dating pool, and that's fine also. I think you can take a couple steps, however, in reducing some of this question that occurred by simply being a bit more defined...like arrange a meeting time or a phone call time.

  10. #39
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    So with all the above said thornz, why didnít you just answer the guys call?

    You gave him your number and said to call you next week!? Then why not wait to give your number until next week?
    You did give him the impression that you were in fact NOT busy , his at home eating dinner and chilling.
    In my mind and probably his, thatís the perfect time to get a phone call in and work out when to meet.

    What cues does he need in order to call you?
    For you to say Iím at home , not eating and not chilling. Just doing absolutely nothing?

    What about respect for his personal time?
    You want to tell him to text you first and IF it suits YOU then he can call? Or YOU will tell him when does suit YOU?
    Had you any intention of asking him when it suits HIM?

    Why are you playing games?
    Why are you not meeting him halfway and making an effort to have a quick 5 min chat on the phone when essentially you were NOT busy?

    He is not wasting your time, you are wasting his.
    Whether I was busy or not is irrelevant, I made it clear I didn't want to chat that evening. FYI I am knackered and the last thing I was interested in was chatting to a stranger.

    Next week was only a day away hardly a long time to wait to make arrangements. If I messaged him the next day and said text me this week so we can make arrangements to meet up, what difference does that make? The fact is he asked if I wanted to chat, I made it clear I didn't yet he still rang me anyway. What I expect is the basic courtesy I would give him which is to arrange a time to call or meet that is convenient for both. What's the emergency? Why ring when I told you not to? When I arrange a call I ask if they would like to chat by phone, IF they say yes I ask when suits them, if that doesn't suit me I ask if another time works. Basic manners. I don't ask and then ring anyway on the occasions they say no or just ring randomly if they say yes. It's just not cool. Was chatting to a woman off Tinder last week. I asked if she was OK with a call on more than one occasion, both times she said no, both times I respected that and we instead met up for food and had a good time. Not difficult.

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by purplepaisley
    I think the guy was a little pushy and yes, eager, but I wouldn't say red flag creepy. I know that for me and probably a lot of people out there, you want to get a meet in ASAP, and you don't want to lose that momentum. This could explain this desire to talk and get a meeting time set up right away. I do have to agree with Billie28, that if you weren't in the mood for phone chat, why not wait until you are ready before handing out your number? This eliminates some of the question and confusion, or simply say, I can't talk tonight, but are you free tomorrow? If you were interested in meeting this guy, I think it would be reasonable to suggest alternatives - call on Monday/Tuesday or let's set up a date to meet on Thurs/Fri/Sat...etc.

    The other issue I would be concerned about is that guys (and women) who start out hot and fast, tend to burn out just as quickly. I would be wary of two things - either overly clingy or one of the fast burning flames...but that can be further assessed upon meeting in person or upon that phone call that gets arranged.

    I found your approach a whole lot of not really caring one way or the other, and this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but a little bit of enthusiasm can be useful in eliminating anxiety and question as to what's going on...do they just want to be pen pals, are they always this busy, are they toying and playing games, are they truly interested in meeting someone, etc. I have been passed over because some guy was able to meet another person before me and they wanted to give that a go; I've had dates cancel for someone more interesting (I assume, maybe the babysitter did cancel), etc. From what guys say on these boards, women have a lot more options, so the men tend to want to get their foot in the door pretty fast sometimes...and this can likely come across as the exact opposite of what they intended.

    If the guy creeps you out, he creeps you out. I won't argue that fact, as I'm not the one in communication. If you have narrow boundaries, that will limit the dating pool, and that's fine also. I think you can take a couple steps, however, in reducing some of this question that occurred by simply being a bit more defined...like arrange a meeting time or a phone call time.
    I don't think I lacked enthusiasm, he said he would like to meet, I agreed, volunteered my number and told him to text me to arrange a meeting. That seems like pretty OK give and take to me. Then he decided that wasn't suitable and got pushy and I suspect like you he's probably clingy at best.

    I agree I could have been more specific and said contact me tomorrow at 6pm if you're free and we can arrange a meeting but I suspect he would still have rung me within 5 minutes anyway. I told him I don't think we're a match and don't want to meet. He's still pushing for a meet. Doesn't understand the concept of no so far as I can tell. Not for me at all.

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