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Thread: Strong mutual attraction and a jealous girlfriend

  1. #31
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    The only way I've ever gotten over a crush is when that person isn't in my life anymore so my advice is admittedly not worth much. It can be very powerful. And your statements belie the truth of the situation: "I would actively date men more around my crush's age, but none of the ones I meet are in any way attractive to me. He's the only one that is." Your fixation on him has made him more attractive to you. The thrill of the chase has made him more attractive you. He doesn't have some innate quality that no one else has. He's just special to you now in a way that no one will be able to compete as long as you remain obsessed.

    You have put this guy on a pretty high pedestal. He's not as good as you think!

    Originally Posted by Sense42
    Phew, again, everybody cherry picks.

    Look, I've come to a conclusion.
    I am going to stay away from him. There is nothing else I can do at this point in time.
    Polite distance, very little contact, keep on going on dates, got it.
    It's just very hard for me. And not a soul in this forum acknowledges that or even pretends to care.

    And I'm not going on dating apps. Those suck big time and everybody knows it. I'm going to actually meet people the old-fashioned way in real life.
    That sounds like the best strategy at this time. Yes, it is hard! I remember in high school how terrible the class was with the girl I liked. During times where we had free time to work on our projects, my ears would hyper focus on everything she would say across the room to her friends. It was like I had a super power. She had a boyfriend but I was just waiting around to see if they would last or not. I'd collect all of the scraps of info about them that I could. I wasted my high school years on this kind of thing when I bet there were other girls who I could have started learning about dating from.

    No, you're not in high school like I was in my most memorable period of limerance. Your 37, that's as it may be. But the way you talk, it sounds like you've never quite felt this way before. (Correct me if I'm wrong) As someone who has had both limerance and love, limerance was a mirage. Love was better.

    The fantasy is not the fantasy of whether or not you might be together in the future. The fantasy is that your mind has created an object of affection that you are in love with, which is only loosely based on reality. And the longer the attachement remains, the less connected it becomes.

    Dating is tough for sure too. (It's tough however you make your connections) It's been slow for me between relationships to find people who I really click with the way I'm looking for. But it can happen if you put the effort in. After a few years since my last breakup, I finally started meeting matches last year that were more the kind of people I was looking for. Keep trying things and then moving on if it doesn't work for you.

  2. #32
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    There's also the option of legitimately staying single. I can distract myself in other ways and using people to do so just seems like using people, if you catch my drift. I am not desperate to date for the sake of dating. Not looking and actually concentrating on other aspects of life feels more down my alley at this point. If the right person comes up, great. If not, there are other things to be happy about.

  3. #33
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    As someone who had a major crush on a coworker with a girlfriend, I think I know how you feel. He was stringing me along for months, so I would say, stay away from him, and keep the relationship strictly professional. As someone said in the above posts, donít be his side thrill, itís tiring and at the end of the day, you will just feel lonely.

  4. #34
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    Yeah, absolutely no chance on the side anything. I can only go for full commitment or nothing at all. Plus, I've made my decision: Nobody is going to get hurt on my watch. Not me, not his girlfriend. He can't just play games and get away with it.

  5.  

  6. #35
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    Sense42, I'm not gonna fault you for developing feelings for this man, goodness gracious; we can't control how we feel, only how we react and respond to those feelings.

    And from what I've read, you have and are maintaining a healthy distance, you're not pursing him, you're not even harboring notions of him ever leaving her!

    You sound completely grounded about this, but are struggling with how to move on from your feelings or what you should do generally.

    Which brings me to my next question.

    You stated the chemistry between you and this man is "off the charts." That he's affectionate with you every time he sees you, even when his girlfriend is around.

    You also said that his relationship with his girlfriend is cold, lacks affection, no chemistry, etc.

    So, have you asked yourself why the hell he is "choosing" to remain in this relationship?

    A relationship that, from what you described, appears to be quite unsatisfying with a woman whom he feels no chemistry, is cold, knowing full well that you, a woman he does have strong chemistry with, off the charts chemistry in fact, and did from the first, are available to date him and would be more than happy to do so if he chose to leave his current relationship?

    Something's not jiving. He's not married, what's keeping him there?

    I know for me, I would be asking myself these questions because it makes absolutely zero sense that he is choosing to remain with her, in this cold relationship, when he could have this awesome relationship with you.

    Again, something is not jiving Sense42, and I think it may be possible, just possible, that either his relationship is not as bad as he is making it out to be, or that he enjoys your attention and ego boost knowing how much you're crushing on him.

    Otherwise, he would leave her and be with you, right?

  7. #36
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    To add to above post.

    JMO, but I think once you accept that this man may not be who you think he is, who may not be being 100% truthful with you about the state of his current relationship, that he is choosing to remain in, and accept the possibility that his interaction with you is simply an ego boost and attention seeking, it may be easier to move on from your feelings.

    Just something to consider Sense, best of luck.

  8. #37
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    Shoot just realized this thread is nine days old!

    OP has left the building, oh well, hope she was able to work things out.

    Good luck Sense42.

  9. #38
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    Nope--he is in a relationship. That means he is off limits for you. No ifs, ands, or buts. Don't get in to a messy situation. If he wants to date you, he will break up with her. Until then, best keep your distance.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This isn't about her....if he was as into you as you are into him, he would have dumped her (especially if you say they have no chemistry?) and he would be asking you out.

    He's not doing that so he obviously likes something about her and isn't overboard like you otherwise he'd be with you.

    It can't get much more simple than that.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Yeah..that's another thing...what kind of jerk flirts around with a woman if he has a girlfriend?

    If he was going about things decently, he would end things with the girlfriend and then flirt with you and do as he wanted.

    Don't trust this guy.

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