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Thread: Strong mutual attraction and a jealous girlfriend

  1. #11
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    Seems like you're trying to convince yourself, not us.

    I mean, don't be surprised if you do end up "winning" him and he does the same thing to you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sense42
    Wow...does anyone on this forum actually give compassionate advice or are you all just really into making people who already feel bad feel worse? The tagline is "you are not alone". Frankly, I feel even more alone now than before. I've seen this kind of treatment of people in other posts as well where I also thought it was completely unjustified. "Tough love" or whatever you think this is doesn't work. Actually trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes instead of shooting down everything they say does. You might want to try it sometime.
    Look, you are basically honing yourself into another couples relationship by trying to ingratiate yourself to a guy that is not available to be had.. Not too many people (especially anyone who has been cheated on before) are going to give you a pep talk. Most will be schooling you on how to get over your crush so that you can find your own guy. Personally, I think you have some kind of fear of commitment so an already taken guy is looking pretty safe to you. You don't want to be the other woman so best to give you advice that will dissuade you from making this dude your main focus.

    My advice, distance yourself from him, keep any time together professional and about work and don't date anymore until you have dissolved your crush on him because you'll never see a connection in someone else when you are chalk full of "Limerence" (google that and read the Wiki link) for the taken guy.

    ... and drop all thoughts of him being controlled or her being controlling. There is such a thing as romantic relationship boundaries and he is keeping it real by honouring his and his girlfriends boundaries. It's what keeps us from temptation when we find someone other than our partner attractive. Just because we are in a relationship we will still find others attractive and if there are no relationship boundaries in place then chit like what you're in, can very well happen.

    Keep it real, chickie. Take him down off the pedestal you have him on and find someone who is available to be had. I'll add that how they act together isn't any of your business nor can you judge a couple on that. For all you know they go home and tear one another's clothes off and make love until the sun comes up.

  3. #13
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    I have no illusions about being in a relationship with him. I know we're not. That much is obvious. But if he should ever be free, I would like to try. And I don't want to mess up any future potential by acting the wrong way now. I also don't want to anger his girlfriend even further. As I stated in my original message, I don't want to make any enemies. I understand her being jealous of other women if her boyfriend indeed has an eye on them. It's only natural. My original question was mostly about how I should act in social situations with them, as those will be happening regardless.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Sense42
    I have no illusions about being in a relationship with him. I know we're not. That much is obvious. But if he should ever be free, I would like to try. And I don't want to mess up any future potential by acting the wrong way now. I also don't want to anger his girlfriend even further. As I stated in my original message, I don't want to make any enemies. I understand her being jealous of other women if her boyfriend indeed has an eye on them. It's only natural. My original question was mostly about how I should act in social situations with them, as those will be happening regardless.
    You would want to "try" even though you know he could be lining up your replacement while he's still pretending to be in a relationship with you?

    Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    My original question was mostly about how I should act in social situations with them, as those will be happening regardless.
    You act like your role in his life, which is.... A co-worker... sorry ~ Co-networking acquaintance.

    Girl you best read that link on "Limerence" you are deep in it and maybe knowing what you are in will snap you the hell out of it.

  7. #16
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    I really wish people would read all of what I'm writing instead of just cherry-picking and then jumping to conclusions and making assumptions based on things I didn't even say.

    I am not trying to get into this relationship. I would only want to date this guy if he was single. I only could date this guy if he was single, so all of the arguments about cheating are a moot point. I don't want to be the other woman, and I will not be the other woman, ever. It's not how I do things and be able to look in the mirror the next day.
    There can be any number of things going on - and yes, I would also like to believe that he is honoring his girlfriend's boundaries. I don't know how much, but it would be honorable and the right thing to do. And I wasn't trying to judge. I don't actually think she's doing anything wrong, either.
    I can deal with my own emotions on the topic. But I know it's hard and I can't really avoid my crush and his girlfriend at all times. I don't want to avoid them.
    If it's any consolation to the community, I have been cheated on myself in the past. I know it sucks, it's wrong, I wouldn't wish it on anybody and I do NOT want this guy to cheat.
    The activity group we're in is about after work, so work isn't even a topic of conversation.

  8. #17
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    I have no fear of commitment. I love commitment. I didn't choose him because he was taken. I became attracted to him before I even knew he was taken.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Sense42
    I really wish people would read all of what I'm writing instead of just cherry-picking and then jumping to conclusions and making assumptions based on things I didn't even say.

    I am not trying to get into this relationship. I would only want to date this guy if he was single.
    I'm sorry but I don't know if its us you are trying to kid or yourself. You may only want to date him if he was single but you are currently having an emotional affair with him... You almost kissed, remember. If you were legit in what you say, then you would back off and stop your interaction with him so that "nearly kissing" never would even get close to happening.

    I only could date this guy if he was single, so all of the arguments about cheating are a moot point.
    No they are not, You do know what an emotional affair is, right. If not you should google that along with "Limerence"

    I don't want to be the other woman, and I will not be the other woman, ever. It's not how I do things and be able to look in the mirror the next day.
    Please! you are already the other woman. Just not physically. Unless of course your take on his attraction to you and the way you interact is just your wishful thinking. Maybe that's it... maybe he's just a friendly guy and you're so smitten you are projecting your own feelings to the point you believe they are reciprocated? No? Well then its an emotional affair.

    There can be any number of things going on - and yes, I would also like to believe that he is honoring his girlfriend's boundaries. I don't know how much, but it would be honorable and the right thing to do. And I wasn't trying to judge. I don't actually think she's doing anything wrong, either.
    Well, it's admirable that you have changed your thinking on that then because your opening post didn't read that way.
    I can deal with my own emotions on the topic. But I know it's hard and I can't really avoid my crush and his girlfriend at all times. I don't want to avoid them.
    Of course you don't, you are addicted to him and the feeling he evokes in you. However: Avoiding him would be the admirable thing to do. He knows who you are and where you are and if your are ever single and he's interested, I'm sure he's got the confidence to ask you out. Until that or if that ever happens, you should do the mental work you need to do to get past your crush so you can date to actually find someone instead of just to kill time while you obsess over taken guy.
    If it's any consolation to the community, I have been cheated on myself in the past. I know it sucks, it's wrong, I wouldn't wish it on anybody and I do NOT want this guy to cheat.
    Please get yourself beyond this thinking that the only type of cheating is the physical kind. Google Emotional affair and see.

    The activity group we're in is about after work, so work isn't even a topic of conversation.
    Not seeing how the topic of your networking group is relevant?

    Originally Posted by Sense42
    I have no fear of commitment. I love commitment. I didn't choose him because he was taken. I became attracted to him before I even knew he was taken.
    Well then what IS moot is thoughts that you have fear of commitment. :)

  10. #19
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    Correction, he tried to kiss me. It took me by surprise. I wasn't actively involved or expecting it. I've never even tried to touch his hand. I've initiated nothing, yet you're trying to make me feel guilty.

    An affair, emotional or otherwise, is about active engagement. We never talked about what we are to each other. He never said he was in love with me, I never said that I'm in love with him. You are trying to make me feel guilty about something that didn't happen the way you imagined it. It's a mutual crush, not an emotional affair. That's blowing things way out of proportion for the sake of drama and nothing else.

    Nothing about this is wishful thinking.

    But I'm starting to think something about this situation right here is bullying.
    I've been through that all through grade school, middle school, AND high school. I know what bullying looks like, and it doesn't work on me.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Sense42
    Correction, he tried to kiss me. It took me by surprise. I wasn't actively involved or expecting it. I've never even tried to touch his hand. I've initiated nothing, yet you're trying to make me feel guilty.
    You are guilty of not stepping away from him. By stepping away and distancing yourself from him, you are giving him no reason to do anything but keep the status quo. He gets to have sexual tension/attraction with you and go home to his girlfriend and (likely) have passionate sex with her while thinking of you... Did you google emotional affair?

    An affair, emotional or otherwise, is about active engagement.
    Did you google and read exactly what an emotional affair is?

    We never talked about what we are to each other. He never said he was in love with me, I never said that I'm in love with him.
    That has nothing to do with what an emotional affair is.

    You are trying to make me feel guilty about something that didn't happen the way you imagined it.
    No, I am trying to get you out of your denial, fix it so that you're not hurting and pining over someone who isn't single.

    It's a mutual crush, not an emotional affair.
    Google it and read. You are in denial.

    That's blowing things way out of proportion for the sake of drama and nothing else.
    Read it and then come back and tell me that you haven't done 99.9% of the things that entail having an emotional affair with someone. Here is a link to get you started.

    [Register to see the link]

    But I'm starting to think something about this situation right here is bullying.
    If you think that, then I think that you are starting to sail out of your denial and I may have lit a lightbulb over your head and you are a little scared about what you see now that the light is on.
    I've been through that all through grade school, middle school, AND high school. I know what bullying looks like, and it doesn't work on me.
    Maybe you should google "bullying" as well because what I'm saying isn't bullying. Please read the link and read Limerence as well (the wiki link is long but informative about what I think you're in).

    When you read the link above, let us know if you still think you're not having an emotional affair.

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