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Strong mutual attraction and a jealous girlfriend


Sense42

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Hi guys, and thank you in advance for the help and gentle advice.

This is going to be a long one, but I think it's best to describe the situation in detail:

 

Since the beginning of the year, I have had this strong mutual attraction with this man in my networking group. We first met at a small venue, and were immediately drawn to each other like magnets. He is kind, gentle, attentive, a great listener and despite a fairly significant age difference (I am in my 30s, he's in his 50s), we have a lot in common, plus our chemistry is absolutely off the charts. Its been months now, and every time we meet on various different occasions, the chemistry has gotten stronger. He even almost kissed me in a spur of the moment on one occasion, but later blamed the alcohol he'd had that evening, even though it wasn't nearly enough to have caused a change in behavior.

 

He, however, has a girlfriend. He initially described theirs as an on-off relationship, but it seems like they're back "on" at the moment. Only one constant thing: They have absolutely no chemistry whatsoever. There is no warmth. Every time they're in a room together (which is a fairly rare occasion to begin with), they barely hold eye contact, they don't touch, and they seem rather tense - her in particular. People around them act surprised all the time when they hear that they're together because as multiple other acquaintances have pointed out "they don't look or act like a couple".

 

Since we almost kissed, and since I've learned that the shaky relationship with his girlfriend was moving back into "on" territory, I have been keeping a respectful distance on the occasions we see each other (still a semi-regular basis). He knows that I respect both myself and his boundaries and that I would never want to try and become "the other woman", but while he tries to keep things purposefully short if we ever exchange messages online and almost avoids me in that sense, he is still just as affectionate in person whenever he sees me, maybe even more so. It's like he can't help it. I have observed this for a long time, now, and can definitely say that this is genuine, constant, and he is not playing games. I've tried staying away, but I am guilty as charged: I simply enjoy our interactions too much. Even when his girlfriend is around, he is still warm an affectionate towards me.

 

Several weeks ago, we were both taking part in a discussion group. It was a topic that I am quite passionate about, so I talked about a few points at length to the group. He was listening to me so intently, asked all the right questions and encouraged me to keep talking. I felt incredibly valued and understood by him that evening. Later I found he had looked at my online profile twice in one day, but that was shortly followed by his girlfriend, also looking at my profile.

 

Since then, she has signed up for the same activities as he does whenever there is a chance that I might also be there, and most recently, she sent me a friend request on social media.

I didn't know whether to answer it or not at first. But since I am seeing the woman and her boyfriend later this month, I didn't want to come off like a jerk, and since I have almost nothing personal on my social media account - and absolutely nothing to hide - I figured "why not". I might as well act friendly with her and regardless of the situation, I don't want to make enemies. Then she messaged me and asked if I was going to very crowded get-together this week. I said I wasn't planning on it, and the moment I did, her boyfriend aka my crush, who also dislikes these kinds of get-togethers was added to the attendance list.

 

I don't even know anymore. All I can think of is that she is determined to pull all the strings to keep him away from me, and that he has decided to play along for some reason.

 

My confusion aside, though, I am seeing both of them in a couple of weeks at an occasion I at least get to dress up and look pretty for, but I am dreading the prospect of being pulled into some kind of relationship drama.

Once again, I know I can't be with him at this point in time, but I just enjoy seeing him and being around him so much - even if it'll never be more than this.

 

But with the way things have developed, I don't know how to act anymore - especially towards her, or around them as a couple. I am suspecting there is more to come, and I am dreading the fact that this networking community we're all a part of is a very gossipy place. I also have almost no one to actually talk to about this, which makes me feel even worse.

 

Any input on the situation, any advice or second opinion would be helpful.

 

Thanks!

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Well...on one hand, you say this:

 

I know I can't be with him at this point in time, but I just enjoy seeing him and being around him so much

 

And on the other hand, you say this:

 

All I can think of is that she is determined to pull all the strings to keep him away from me, and that he has decided to play along for some reason.

 

'For some reason'? The reason is that he is in a relationship with this woman. 'Determined to pull the strings to keep him away from you'? Sorry to say this, but that is her choice. I wouldn't say it's her 'right' because I don't believe anybody has the right to manage the social life of their partner as if they're incapable of doing it on their own. However, she senses a threat in you, and is trying to do what a lot of people have been known to do: preserve her relationship.

 

And let's be fair for a moment here. She hasn't cussed you out or anything of the like. She isn't being disrespectful toward you. She's feeling jealous sure, but feeling anything is not a crime.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself and especially keep in mind what you said earlier. You know you can't be with him. If so, why dwell on how "determined" she is to keep him away from you? Ok so you enjoy seeing him around...but if you can't 'see him around' while respecting his relationship, then you have to go NC with this one.

 

The fact that your chemistry with him is "off the charts" is not a formal invitation to try to run into him and be annoyed at his girlfriend keeping you and him apart. It almost sounds like you want someone here on ENA to agree that his girlfriend is being possessive, thereby giving you permission to pursue him. I can't do that for you.

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He's a grown man capable of making his own decisions, so I wouldn't bother making his choice to remain in his relationship about 'her' control. Otherwise, you've reduced him to a spineless puppet, and what's so attractive about that to you?

 

I'd also be concerned with positioning myself badly for a front row seat to watch a guy I like behave in a disloyal way toward the woman he chooses to be with. What should that tell you? Even if you 'win,' you lose, because you'd enjoy your victory for about 5 minutes before it occurs to you that his capacity for disloyalty is no longer 'with' you--it will be 'against' you the minute your back is turned and he spots someone else who attracts him.

 

Skip that, put your eyes on your own paper, and be a professional on your job. The right guy for you will have the character to avoid disloyalty to anyone.

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'For some reason'? The reason is that he is in a relationship with this woman. 'Determined to pull the strings to keep him away from you'? Sorry to say this, but that is her choice. I wouldn't say it's her 'right' because I don't believe anybody has the right to manage the social life of their partner as if they're incapable of doing it on their own. However, she senses a threat in you, and is trying to do what a lot of people have been known to do: preserve her relationship.

 

And let's be fair for a moment here. She hasn't cussed you out or anything of the like. She isn't being disrespectful toward you. She's feeling jealous sure, but feeling anything is not a crime.

 

Completely agree. She isn't being disrespectful and is just trying to preserve her relationship. I wasn't in a great state of mind when I wrote my original message, and yes, she is of course completely entitled to do whatever she is doing. I was just surprised that he is going along with it, since he doesn't seem like the kind of person who likes being told what to do and where to go with whom. He's been a very independent individual for as long as I've known him.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself and especially keep in mind what you said earlier. You know you can't be with him. If so, why dwell on how "determined" she is to keep him away from you? Ok so you enjoy seeing him around...but if you can't 'see him around' while respecting his relationship, then you have to go NC with this one.

 

The fact that your chemistry with him is "off the charts" is not a formal invitation to try to run into him and be annoyed at his girlfriend keeping you and him apart. It almost sounds like you want someone here on ENA to agree that his girlfriend is being possessive, thereby giving you permission to pursue him. I can't do that for you.

 

I absolutely can see him around while respecting his relationship. I've been doing this for months. I never made a move towards him. I enjoy being around him and I enjoy his attention. I enjoy admiring from afar, and don't want to press for anything to happen right now. He acts the same way towards me, but every now and then, he does make a bit of a move as described in my first message. Yes, I do want to see him more often (at this rate, it'll probably be once a month from now on). Yes, maybe I enjoy his company a bit too much, but I am an adult and I have been keeping my hands to myself since the very beginning.

 

I am not the villain here. I am not saying that anybody is in this situation. I just want to feel like I am not completely alone in this since I can't talk to anyone about it.

I didn't come here to be blamed for my "sins" and made to feel guilty because I feel something for someone who just happens to be unavailable at this point in time.

As you said above, feeling is not a crime.

 

I also don't want to be seen as the villain when all I really do is exist around him and act like my friendly, polite self.

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To be clear, I can't get this guy out of my head, but I am not obsessing about him in front of everyone else. And I've actually made some significant effort to not think about him that much. Since I've learned that he has a girlfriend (notably unstable as their relationship might be, see above), I've been going on dates on an almost weekly basis, trying very hard to forget about him and focus my romantic attentions elsewhere. It hasn't worked at all so far, but I'll keep on doing it if that's what it takes. I am also making new friends, and yes, @catfeeder, I AM doing a good job at my work.

 

I am also not planning on pursuing him. However, should he ever be unattached and 100% over his current relationship, I would be happy if he decided to pursue me.

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The state of their relationship, how jealous or not she is of you, how independent a person he is or not - none of these things are any of your business. Watch TV or something if you want to spend all this energy analyzing the decisions of characters for whom you have no control or even any stakes in the game. You say you are fine with the fixation but it's going to hold you back from finding anything real. This is the real world. You need to start focusing on that and not get caught up in fantasy.

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Wow...does anyone on this forum actually give compassionate advice or are you all just really into making people who already feel bad feel worse? The tagline is "you are not alone". Frankly, I feel even more alone now than before. I've seen this kind of treatment of people in other posts as well where I also thought it was completely unjustified. "Tough love" or whatever you think this is doesn't work. Actually trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes instead of shooting down everything they say does. You might want to try it sometime.

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I've been in fantasy relationships before and the advice I gave is the advice I would have given myself. To be fair, I may not have heeded that advice and I can see that you will also have a hard time doing so. I wasted my high school and college years on that nonsense. All I know for sure is that you are not going to get any better or find any answers by analyzing the key players in this drama or continually rehashing each interaction you have with them. Your relief will only come from outside the situation.

 

Sorry you are having a hard time and that you feel alone - I didn't mean to make you feel more-so. But at the end of the day, you are fantasizing over someone whom is in a committed relationship. Sorry to say - that's not going to get a lot of people on your side. You say you've been going on dates. What about this unavailable guy has you more interested in him than any of the guys you date who you actually might have a shot with? It's worth thinking about.

 

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. But you might have to change directions to find it.

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What makes him more interesting: Well, he's actually attractive to me in looks and personality. We are on the same wavelength and intelligence level. He gets me, he listens, and I cannot overstate the importance and significance of our very high level of personal chemistry. I have never had this kind of chemistry with anyone else before and I have lived quite a bit, met a lot of people, been in my fair share of both long term and short term relationships. Not once did I ever feel this vibe. It's like we are both extremely aware of each other. I am very confident in my looks, but no one has ever looked at me this way before. And he doesn't look at anyone else this way, either. It's not a fantasy because this attraction is both real and very obviously mutual. I'm actually quite well-versed in body language, and I'm definitely not making this up.

 

I am also no longer in high school or college. I'm 36, going on 37 and have been through more in life than some people twice my age. Speaking of age, though, my dates are mostly men my age, and they may be superficially nice and reasonably good-looking, but they bore me to tears. There is no spark, nothing interesting. I know I am mentally older, and these boys don't seem to have anything in life actually figured out while I am very certain in who I am and what I want. I would actively date men more around my crush's age, but none of the ones I meet are in any way attractive to me. He's the only one that is. Maybe this will change in the future, but for now, I'm not really holding my breath.

 

About the committed relationship: I have no idea how committed it really is since they have been constantly going back and forth between dating and not dating in the past. It's not like I'm being updated about these things, and, yes, it's an observation, but I have seen them together several times recently and as I mentioned above, they almost act like strangers around each other. Even if I was trying to mind my own business, it would be hard to overlook, since other people have even pointed it out to me in conversation because they think it's so weird. And because really, you can't help but observe people when they're sitting right in front of you and talking to you. It's not like I'm spying on them from across the room. They rarely arrive together, are almost always on their own separate agendas, he doesn't outright say that he doesn't like going places with her, but he hints at it when she's not around. Again, all of this is happening right in front of my face. There's not need to jump to conclusions.

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Wow...does anyone on this forum actually give compassionate advice or are you all just really into making people who already feel bad feel worse? The tagline is "you are not alone". Frankly, I feel even more alone now than before. I've seen this kind of treatment of people in other posts as well where I also thought it was completely unjustified. "Tough love" or whatever you think this is doesn't work. Actually trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes instead of shooting down everything they say does. You might want to try it sometime.

Look, you are basically honing yourself into another couples relationship by trying to ingratiate yourself to a guy that is not available to be had.. Not too many people (especially anyone who has been cheated on before) are going to give you a pep talk. Most will be schooling you on how to get over your crush so that you can find your own guy. Personally, I think you have some kind of fear of commitment so an already taken guy is looking pretty safe to you. You don't want to be the other woman so best to give you advice that will dissuade you from making this dude your main focus.

 

My advice, distance yourself from him, keep any time together professional and about work and don't date anymore until you have dissolved your crush on him because you'll never see a connection in someone else when you are chalk full of "Limerence" (google that and read the Wiki link) for the taken guy.

 

... and drop all thoughts of him being controlled or her being controlling. There is such a thing as romantic relationship boundaries and he is keeping it real by honouring his and his girlfriends boundaries. It's what keeps us from temptation when we find someone other than our partner attractive. Just because we are in a relationship we will still find others attractive and if there are no relationship boundaries in place then chit like what you're in, can very well happen.

 

Keep it real, chickie. Take him down off the pedestal you have him on and find someone who is available to be had. I'll add that how they act together isn't any of your business nor can you judge a couple on that. For all you know they go home and tear one another's clothes off and make love until the sun comes up.

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I have no illusions about being in a relationship with him. I know we're not. That much is obvious. But if he should ever be free, I would like to try. And I don't want to mess up any future potential by acting the wrong way now. I also don't want to anger his girlfriend even further. As I stated in my original message, I don't want to make any enemies. I understand her being jealous of other women if her boyfriend indeed has an eye on them. It's only natural. My original question was mostly about how I should act in social situations with them, as those will be happening regardless.

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I have no illusions about being in a relationship with him. I know we're not. That much is obvious. But if he should ever be free, I would like to try. And I don't want to mess up any future potential by acting the wrong way now. I also don't want to anger his girlfriend even further. As I stated in my original message, I don't want to make any enemies. I understand her being jealous of other women if her boyfriend indeed has an eye on them. It's only natural. My original question was mostly about how I should act in social situations with them, as those will be happening regardless.

 

You would want to "try" even though you know he could be lining up your replacement while he's still pretending to be in a relationship with you?

 

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

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My original question was mostly about how I should act in social situations with them, as those will be happening regardless.
You act like your role in his life, which is.... A co-worker... sorry ~ Co-networking acquaintance.

 

Girl you best read that link on "Limerence" you are deep in it and maybe knowing what you are in will snap you the hell out of it.

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I really wish people would read all of what I'm writing instead of just cherry-picking and then jumping to conclusions and making assumptions based on things I didn't even say.

 

I am not trying to get into this relationship. I would only want to date this guy if he was single. I only could date this guy if he was single, so all of the arguments about cheating are a moot point. I don't want to be the other woman, and I will not be the other woman, ever. It's not how I do things and be able to look in the mirror the next day.

There can be any number of things going on - and yes, I would also like to believe that he is honoring his girlfriend's boundaries. I don't know how much, but it would be honorable and the right thing to do. And I wasn't trying to judge. I don't actually think she's doing anything wrong, either.

I can deal with my own emotions on the topic. But I know it's hard and I can't really avoid my crush and his girlfriend at all times. I don't want to avoid them.

If it's any consolation to the community, I have been cheated on myself in the past. I know it sucks, it's wrong, I wouldn't wish it on anybody and I do NOT want this guy to cheat.

The activity group we're in is about after work, so work isn't even a topic of conversation.

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I really wish people would read all of what I'm writing instead of just cherry-picking and then jumping to conclusions and making assumptions based on things I didn't even say.

 

I am not trying to get into this relationship. I would only want to date this guy if he was single.

I'm sorry but I don't know if its us you are trying to kid or yourself. You may only want to date him if he was single but you are currently having an emotional affair with him... You almost kissed, remember. If you were legit in what you say, then you would back off and stop your interaction with him so that "nearly kissing" never would even get close to happening.

 

I only could date this guy if he was single, so all of the arguments about cheating are a moot point.
No they are not, You do know what an emotional affair is, right. If not you should google that along with "Limerence"

 

I don't want to be the other woman, and I will not be the other woman, ever. It's not how I do things and be able to look in the mirror the next day.
Please! you are already the other woman. Just not physically. Unless of course your take on his attraction to you and the way you interact is just your wishful thinking. Maybe that's it... maybe he's just a friendly guy and you're so smitten you are projecting your own feelings to the point you believe they are reciprocated? No? Well then its an emotional affair.

 

There can be any number of things going on - and yes, I would also like to believe that he is honoring his girlfriend's boundaries. I don't know how much, but it would be honorable and the right thing to do. And I wasn't trying to judge. I don't actually think she's doing anything wrong, either.
Well, it's admirable that you have changed your thinking on that then because your opening post didn't read that way.

I can deal with my own emotions on the topic. But I know it's hard and I can't really avoid my crush and his girlfriend at all times. I don't want to avoid them.
Of course you don't, you are addicted to him and the feeling he evokes in you. However: Avoiding him would be the admirable thing to do. He knows who you are and where you are and if your are ever single and he's interested, I'm sure he's got the confidence to ask you out. Until that or if that ever happens, you should do the mental work you need to do to get past your crush so you can date to actually find someone instead of just to kill time while you obsess over taken guy.

If it's any consolation to the community, I have been cheated on myself in the past. I know it sucks, it's wrong, I wouldn't wish it on anybody and I do NOT want this guy to cheat.

Please get yourself beyond this thinking that the only type of cheating is the physical kind. Google Emotional affair and see.

 

The activity group we're in is about after work, so work isn't even a topic of conversation.
Not seeing how the topic of your networking group is relevant?

 

I have no fear of commitment. I love commitment. I didn't choose him because he was taken. I became attracted to him before I even knew he was taken.
Well then what IS moot is thoughts that you have fear of commitment. :)
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Correction, he tried to kiss me. It took me by surprise. I wasn't actively involved or expecting it. I've never even tried to touch his hand. I've initiated nothing, yet you're trying to make me feel guilty.

 

An affair, emotional or otherwise, is about active engagement. We never talked about what we are to each other. He never said he was in love with me, I never said that I'm in love with him. You are trying to make me feel guilty about something that didn't happen the way you imagined it. It's a mutual crush, not an emotional affair. That's blowing things way out of proportion for the sake of drama and nothing else.

 

Nothing about this is wishful thinking.

 

But I'm starting to think something about this situation right here is bullying.

I've been through that all through grade school, middle school, AND high school. I know what bullying looks like, and it doesn't work on me.

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Correction, he tried to kiss me. It took me by surprise. I wasn't actively involved or expecting it. I've never even tried to touch his hand. I've initiated nothing, yet you're trying to make me feel guilty.
You are guilty of not stepping away from him. By stepping away and distancing yourself from him, you are giving him no reason to do anything but keep the status quo. He gets to have sexual tension/attraction with you and go home to his girlfriend and (likely) have passionate sex with her while thinking of you... Did you google emotional affair?

 

An affair, emotional or otherwise, is about active engagement.
Did you google and read exactly what an emotional affair is?

 

We never talked about what we are to each other. He never said he was in love with me, I never said that I'm in love with him.
That has nothing to do with what an emotional affair is.

 

You are trying to make me feel guilty about something that didn't happen the way you imagined it.
No, I am trying to get you out of your denial, fix it so that you're not hurting and pining over someone who isn't single.

 

It's a mutual crush, not an emotional affair.
Google it and read. You are in denial.

 

That's blowing things way out of proportion for the sake of drama and nothing else.
Read it and then come back and tell me that you haven't done 99.9% of the things that entail having an emotional affair with someone. Here is a link to get you started.

 

https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091

 

But I'm starting to think something about this situation right here is bullying.
If you think that, then I think that you are starting to sail out of your denial and I may have lit a lightbulb over your head and you are a little scared about what you see now that the light is on.

I've been through that all through grade school, middle school, AND high school. I know what bullying looks like, and it doesn't work on me.
Maybe you should google "bullying" as well because what I'm saying isn't bullying. Please read the link and read Limerence as well (the wiki link is long but informative about what I think you're in).

 

When you read the link above, let us know if you still think you're not having an emotional affair.

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Correction, he tried to kiss me. It took me by surprise. I wasn't actively involved or expecting it. I've never even tried to touch his hand. I've initiated nothing, yet you're trying to make me feel guilty.

 

An affair, emotional or otherwise, is about active engagement. We never talked about what we are to each other. He never said he was in love with me, I never said that I'm in love with him. You are trying to make me feel guilty about something that didn't happen the way you imagined it. It's a mutual crush, not an emotional affair. That's blowing things way out of proportion for the sake of drama and nothing else.

 

Nothing about this is wishful thinking.

 

But I'm starting to think something about this situation right here is bullying.

I've been through that all through grade school, middle school, AND high school. I know what bullying looks like, and it doesn't work on me.

 

You haven't responded to what I wrote before (perhaps deliberately), but you have a front row view of how he behaves while in an allegedly committed relationship.

 

I doubt you'd be all that forgiving or understanding if you were the girlfriend and you found out he attempted to kiss another woman. What you see him doing now could very likely be your future with him if things progress the way you're hoping they do.

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All of the links on emotional affairs focus on:

a) marriages

b) only the side of the person who is actually in a relationship - so whatever he is doing on his end in his relationship, which is something I have no knowledge of, so I have no idea how much of it is happening.

 

I can say this much, though:

1) We're not friends. He wouldn't describe us as friends. I wouldn't describe us as friends. We don't interact enough to have formed what could be called a friendship.

2) We don't share intimate details and our conversations rarely get that personal.

3) We hardly ever talk online, and if we do, it's not about anything too personal, either.

4) We don't text.

5) He doesn't need to keep our interactions a secret since we don't meet secretly.

6) We actually spend very little time together.

 

I'm basing my replies on:

1) https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091

2) https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-youre-having-an-emotional-affair-2303079

3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair

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Replace the word "marriage" with "committed relationship"

 

"Only the side that is actually in a relationship" so you wash your hands of it as if you are not involved in one?

 

You mention not being "friends" so therefore it doesn't apply to you and him?

 

... and so on and so forth.

 

Okay, I'll put it to you this way, lets sum it up: HE is having an emotional affair or at the very least acting like a douche by stringing you along and trying to kiss you when he is in a committed relationship. You don't want to put an end to it so it will go on and he will continue to bask in your admiration and get happy pants from the sexual attraction and "chemistry" you say the two of you have and you'll be confused and pining away, missing out on any good guy who takes you out on a date who you may have chemistry with if you didn't have taken guy renting space in your brain for free.

 

Go at it girl if that is your jam. I'll bow out now but before I go I'll just say:

 

Do your best to get over your infatuation of a guy that tried to get you to help him cheat ( he tried to kiss you) because you deserve to be with a guy that is better than that. You've already been cheated on once so why wait around for someone you know would cheat if the chick he is attracted to would have allowed it.

 

Zero contact is the way to go, keep yourself away from him one-on-one, befriend his girlfriend so that she is real to you and stop analyzing their relationship. Like I said, you deserve better than pining away for someone you barely know (who you proclaim to not even be friends with) with whom you share a bit of chemistry with.

 

Be well and I'm sorry if you felt bullied... it certainly was not my intention.

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I know what limerence is. Of course I am in limerence. It's the very definition of attraction. Intense romantic desire. Falling for someone, hard. It's what happens when you feel something for someone. Am I supposed to be ashamed of that too, now?

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So what? I'm getting crap for having feelings for someone all day since I first posted this topic, but now it's all "oh, you're too good for that" when just minutes ago, I was some sort of amoral, horrible person who couldn't possibly redeemed and didn't deserve the good things in life. Crazy thought, but what if he actually likes me, like a real genuine emotion that is not all about sex or any dissatisfaction with his current relationship? What if it's a separate thing? What if we're talking about subtly nuanced human beings here and not statistics? About actual grey areas that can't be categorized or put into neat little drawers of good and evil? Anything is possible. That's a fact of life. And I did NOT help him cheat by having a delayed reaction when he took me by surprise. Next thing you're going to tell me that it was all my fault because I dress too provocatively.

 

And what is telling you that he would cheat on me in the future? You can't make everything a rule just because you want to invalidate someone's feelings so badly and force somebody else's situation to fit into your own very specific worldview. That's like, I don't know, putting someone else down so you can feel better about yourself. Like wanting to be right just for the sake of being right. That's no longer about actually helping somebody. I appreciate that you said it wasn't your intention to bully. Still comes across that way, though.

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