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Issues with mother in law


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So my partner and I have been together for a while now. He had a friend in high school who started crossing her boundaries when we got together: she wanted to throw a birthday party for him and got upset when his mom told him I was then had his mom invite her to the family birthday gathering for him, she would play nice in front of his family and him and then be rude to me when it was just us, she would call and text whenever, she would show up to his house whenever just to spend time with his mom. After he cut off the friendship, he told her to remove his mom off social media and to not contact her anymore and she said she wouldn't. A month goes by, and she still has his mom on social media then adds his younger sister on social media. My partner tells his mom and sister to remove her off of social media and the mom says "No, she's my friend get over it." His mom and sister are aware that this "friend" has disrespected both of us, (there's more issues that I don't want to bore with telling), but his sister is 15 years old and this friend is 23 years old and she shows up to his family's home now to hang out with his mom and sister and now is showing up to family gatherings and gatherings that his little sister has with her friends. I'm not really sure how to go about having a relationship with his mom anymore because this bothers me a lot, and it bothered my partner too, now to the point where even they don't have much of a relationship. We haven't seen the family since Easter, but I am just not comfortable with welcoming her into my home or being around either of them. I know it sounds silly, but I feel like family should come before friends and they don't show this with their behavior.

 

 

I just need advice on what to do because this has been an ongoing issue since last summer.

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I'm not sure why you're calling her your mother-in-law, since you're not married.

 

I think there's a lot of people in this story who are over-stepping their boundaries. Your boyfriend tells the girl to remove his mom from social media. Then he tells his sister to remove her from social media. And then YOU say you're not comfortable having them in your home because family should come before friends.

 

You are NOT family. You are the current girlfriend of their son. The mother and sister are within their rights to befriend anyone they want.

 

If you don't want to be around this woman, then don't attend gatherings where she will be. Nobody has the right to dictate whom someone can be friends with.

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I agree. You don't have to invite this friend into your home or be friendly on social media. Your relationship with your boyfriend's mom should be one that is polite and respectful. If she is not respectful to you while in your home then you can choose to ask her to leave depending on what it is or not have her at your home again. If it is also your boyfriend's home he should ask his mother to treat you with respect and be polite when she is in your home.

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I don’t think I said anywhere he was my boyfriend as we are married. Sorry if i used that word anywhere and made it confusing. Even so, before when we were just dating his family would refer to me as a daughter in law. I understand your point, but isn’t it wrong that he has told his mom and sister them being friends with her hurts him since they don’t want to remove her from their lives to not “hurt her feelings” but it’s okay for them to hurt us by not having the respect to just not be friends with her? It ridiculous I feel this way, and I’m just trying to find a way to get over it and be able to try to fix the relationships between all of us.

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I've never heard a woman refer to her husband as her 'partner' before. Thanks for clarifying.

 

My opinion is the same. How would you feel if your mother in law asked you to delete your best friend from social media because she (MIL) didn't like her? You simply can't dictate who can be friends with whom. Your mother in law probably doesn't feel it's disrespectful to you or your husband to talk to this woman. Maybe they have a lot in common. Maybe she just enjoys her company.

 

The only way for you to get over it is to get over it. If you're confident in your husband's love for you, then this woman should mean nothing to you. Don't let her get under your skin.

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You’re right. It’s just something difficult because I just feel she had preferred the friend to be with her son rather than me and showed more kindness to her than to me, she invites this friend to gatherings and into her home but hasn’t made an effort for us to be involved in anything. It’s just a difficult situation. Thank you for your advice.

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My guess is that when you're around your MIL, you give off a negative vibe because of the other woman. People can sense that kind of insecurity. I'll bet you that if from now on, when you see her, you smile and act cheery and carry on interesting conversations, you'll see her attitude towards you change.

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You’re right. It’s just something difficult because I just feel she had preferred the friend to be with her son rather than me and showed more kindness to her than to me, she invites this friend to gatherings and into her home but hasn’t made an effort for us to be involved in anything. It’s just a difficult situation. Thank you for your advice.

 

Yes, I guessed that too. But it shouldn't matter because all that matters is whether you trust your boyfriend, not whether his mother is trying to convince him to be with this other woman.

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It’s actually the opposite, I’m very respectful and kind to her. I’ve tried to start conversations with her, but she’s very stand offish with me and the only conversation we have is how I’m going to be graduating college soon. When I’m in her home, I help cook and clean up but ever since she knows how we feel about this friend, she’s very cold with me and makes comments about how I’ve taken her son from him. And before his sister became friends with the girl, she was nice to me but now whenever I come around it’s just a “hi” and then I don’t exist. I brush it off as a joke with the mom, but those comments hurt my feelings since I do know they aren’t jokes, and I’ve never done anything to be rude to her or her family. But I’ll definitely continue being the way I am with her and try to be even more cheery around her.

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You're right, and I have no worries in regards to my relationship at all. It’s just with his mom, I’m trying to move on and rebuild it between his mom and I, and him and his mom. But he gets hurt as well when he sees his mom inviting this person to gatherings and we don’t get an invitation, he feels like his mom has chosen this friend over him and would rather have friendship with this person than have a relationship with her son.

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You're right, and I have no worries in regards to my relationship at all. It’s just with his mom, I’m trying to move on and rebuild it between his mom and I, and him and his mom. But he gets hurt as well when he sees his mom inviting this person to gatherings and we don’t get an invitation, he feels like his mom has chosen this friend over him and would rather have friendship with this person than have a relationship with her son.

 

Wait -does she want this woman to be her future daughter in law? Or does she just want to be friends with her?

 

I would stop trying to be close to your boyfriend's mother. If you two get engaged, married or make a similar lifelong commitment (or if you have/adopt a child so that now she is a grandmother) then you might at that time want to see if you can have more than a cordial acquaintanceship. I'm not sure why this is so important to you.

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Yes, please edit to say that this is your husband instead of "partner".

 

If you are married, the problem is your husband. "So...what is up with Margie? She seems to want to throw parties for you and such...." If he doesn't set boundaries with her, its not your mother in law's doing.

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amnestyaller, I could've written this as I've been married for a long time.

 

Sigh. To this day, I've since encountered your same awkwardly uncomfortable scenarios at every random restaurant gathering with family, relatives, in-laws, some added mutual friends due to these reunions, every occasion such as grad party, birthday party and much dreaded "one big happy family" holiday gatherings at my in-laws house, my house or at a restaurant during the holiday season. How I dread it so.

 

I've asked for all sorts of advice, too. People can give you advice but ultimately, it's all about you and your husband and no one else. It all boils down to YOUR behaviors.

 

Within my family tree on both sides including in-laws, due to social media / FB and the Internet Age, our lives are intertwined. I even have a BFF whose yoga instructor is my sister's FB friend. It's crazy and disturbingly intertwined. You and I can't control any of that. It gets bad. My SIL and sister are in contact whenever SIL's in town from across the country. Then we're forced to get together and act as if we all get along just swell with no bad blood between us. Talk about awkward, uncomfortable and looking for the nearest exit so we can LEAVE stat! Believe me, I prefer to get a root canal instead of attend these gatherings!

 

My advice to you is to realize you can't do anything about your situation. Neither can your husband. You nor anyone cannot tell others what to do because they hate that and the more you push, the more push back you will receive, the more backlash you will receive, the more resistance you will receive and you will only cause the situation to grow worse. It's a lose lose situation. I know you and your husband are bitter and resentful. That comes with the territory when it comes to family, in-laws and those who will never exercise boundaries!

 

You and your husband cannot control others or the situation. The ONLY thing you can control is yourself and coach your husband regarding how to behave at these uncomfortable, awkward and unpleasant family gatherings. This is what I do: I'm cool, polite, do my bit for the sake of peace, same with my husband, show class yet there is a way to be aloof, standoffish, frosty, distant and civil all the while. We don't love nor hate. We're in control. We don't overly engage. We're well mannered and classy. We keep the peace for everyone, we don't cause fights, arguments, never explode nor become emotional. Practice good diplomacy. Be the bigger person, take the higher road. Don't be chummy and unnatural. Have good manners, show class but don't go out of your way to be chummy and chatty. Learn to be with others instead. Don't focus and concentrate on those whom you do not like, admire and respect. Your complaint is universal. There are times when you must bite your tongue, look the other way, pretend you didn't hear it and learn to walk away.

 

I'm not telling you to be a doormat. I'm telling you there is a way to be a class act while not being close to people who don't treat your right. Be on your guard all the time. Be polite, well mannered, don't engage excessively, it's ok to stay apart, work the room and keep your visits as brief as possible. Never linger. Excuse yourself politely if you want to leave to speak to someone else or leave to go home. Always remain GRACIOUS.

 

I can tell you a lot of gripes courtesy of my MIL, SIL, sister, friends, you name it. We're lumped together, my husband and I dread these obligatory gatherings but you put your big girl panties on and show class always. Get the 'torture' over with. You and your husband will be proud of yourselves.

 

It's reminiscent of working with colleagues whom you despise. You have to be mature and peaceful. Watch what you say and write. Be careful, remain cautious always. You make the best of a bad situation. Remain civil, cool, well mannered and leave it at that. Never lower yourself by engaging in ugly vs. ugly, nasty vs. nasty. Never say nor write what you will regret. Never instigate nor provoke. If someone starts a fight, walk away. If someone irritates you, walk away. Same with your husband. Learn to walk away. Don't engage in a fight. Always walk away. Always show class, poise and aplomb. They'll never change, the situation will not change. The change comes from you and your husband and how you two handle it from this day forward.

 

It works for my husband and me and hope my advice will work for you and your husband, too. Keep your head high. Be cool, collected and in control. When the gathering is over, both of you will be proud of yourselves and your conduct.

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Correction: My BFF's SIL is one of my sister's FB friends. My BFF doesn't get along with her SIL and her brother because of his wife and we both don't like the fact that her SIL, yoga instructor is my sister's friend. My sister and I have a dicey relationship due to her husband, my BIL's inappropriate, disrespectful comments to me and my immediate family. Of course, my sister will forever defend her meal ticket, her husband. Family / in-law resentments are universal the world over!!!!

 

Anyway, your story has parallels to mine. Every in-law / family forced gathering makes me want to vomit. For the sake of the cousins and the younger generation, we adults are civil, peaceful, we don our fake merriness masks for the sake of the whole and then we go home. All you can do is act gracious, respectful, polite and well-mannered while remaining cool and distantly frosty. There is an art and science to this type of behavior. My husband and I have since had tons of practice! You can be civil, peaceful and polite while avoiding people whom you don't like. You don't have to engage in small talk and chit chat. You can be cool, calm and collected. Talk to someone else. You husband can do the same. Be brave and courageous. Always show class. If my husband and I can do it, so you can you and your husband.

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It’s just frustrating. I see this friend posting how she’s at his house with his family and then posting how she’s hanging out with his younger sister. I don’t understand why she’s so important to them, especially since she was my husband’s friend but now they are trying to pretend they were so close with her when the younger sister met her a handful of times. And then when he finds out she’s been around his family and is getting invited to things, he doesn’t want to go around them. So it’s basically they are pushing him out by staying friends with her, which he has told them, but then blame me for it, even though I try pushing him to invite them to our home or go visit with them and he says no. Even my father in law has told them to remove the friend off social media but they refuse to do so.

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I was once you long ago, amnestyaller. You have to learn to let go and live your own life and same with your husband. Stop obsessing about her and them. Don't check up on FB or social media either otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy! Don't place such importance on her or his family. It's a waste of your time and energy to constantly try to figure her or them out. Let them have at it as they please.

 

You and your husband should have that "I don't care" attitude. Let them do what they do.

 

If both of you opt out of family gatherings, politely decline to attend. If you two attend, remain polite, well-mannered yet safely distant. Don't engage.

 

Don't try to remove people from FB. That is their choice and they will do whatever they wish. You nor anyone doesn't have control.

 

Don't be envious or jealous. I was once like that. Don't be that way because it eats you up inside which is unhealthy. Don't be preoccupied with others. Learn to enjoy your own life, have the freedom to decline gatherings and if you and your husband attend, keep a cool head. I'm this way. I'm polite yet distant. It really works. I'm not chatty. I do my bit and simply stay away. I'm also natural and keep a cool head. This is possible. With practice, it gets easier and easier. Your high self-esteem and self-confidence will grow by leaps and bounds. Show your intelligence, maturity and behavior by remaining above it.

 

My SIL and sister constantly blast their together pics several times a year when SIL travels from 3000 miles away. It makes me nauseous but then I tell myself it's ok. Blood is thicker than water. I simply stay away and mind my own business. It works.

 

You'll never be able to prove anything and will always get the blame. It's happened to me, too. I've found that I can't control what other people think or say but I can control whether or not I'll hear it so this is why I steer clear. I NEVER invite them into my home. NEVER EVER.

 

Remember remain cool, polite yet frosty distant. Works every time!

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It’s just frustrating. I see this friend posting how she’s at his house with his family and then posting how she’s hanging out with his younger sister. I don’t understand why she’s so important to them, especially since she was my husband’s friend but now they are trying to pretend they were so close with her when the younger sister met her a handful of times. And then when he finds out she’s been around his family and is getting invited to things, he doesn’t want to go around them. So it’s basically they are pushing him out by staying friends with her, which he has told them, but then blame me for it, even though I try pushing him to invite them to our home or go visit with them and he says no. Even my father in law has told them to remove the friend off social media but they refuse to do so.

 

Again, i am going to ask - was she an old flame of his in high school?

 

he cannot control who they decide is their friend, but CAN decide NOT to invite her to things that concern him. If you have a party for him, do not invite her. And start doing things with family members one on one - invite his parents over for dinner, call up his sister and do something with her - not these freeform hangouts where everyone comes.

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You can't control or micromanage who his family is friends with. As long as your husband isn't cheating or flirting what are you so worried about? His family shouldn't have to take orders from you about who they invite over or have on social media because you are jealous of this women. Some short term therapy may help you put things in perspective and sort out these insecurity-driven unreasonable demands on his family and make you feel better. Perhaps marriage therapy will get to the root of the real problems..

they don’t want to remove her from their lives to not “hurt her feelings” but it’s okay for them to hurt us by not having the respect to just not be friends with her? It ridiculous I feel this way, and I’m just trying to find a way to get over it and be able to try to fix the relationships between all of us.
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