Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 20 of 20

Thread: Issues with mother in law

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,169
    Originally Posted by amnestyaller
    You're right, and I have no worries in regards to my relationship at all. It’s just with his mom, I’m trying to move on and rebuild it between his mom and I, and him and his mom. But he gets hurt as well when he sees his mom inviting this person to gatherings and we don’t get an invitation, he feels like his mom has chosen this friend over him and would rather have friendship with this person than have a relationship with her son.
    Wait -does she want this woman to be her future daughter in law? Or does she just want to be friends with her?

    I would stop trying to be close to your boyfriend's mother. If you two get engaged, married or make a similar lifelong commitment (or if you have/adopt a child so that now she is a grandmother) then you might at that time want to see if you can have more than a cordial acquaintanceship. I'm not sure why this is so important to you.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,946
    Gender
    Female
    Yes, please edit to say that this is your husband instead of "partner".

    If you are married, the problem is your husband. "So...what is up with Margie? She seems to want to throw parties for you and such...." If he doesn't set boundaries with her, its not your mother in law's doing.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,080
    amnestyaller, I could've written this as I've been married for a long time.

    Sigh. To this day, I've since encountered your same awkwardly uncomfortable scenarios at every random restaurant gathering with family, relatives, in-laws, some added mutual friends due to these reunions, every occasion such as grad party, birthday party and much dreaded "one big happy family" holiday gatherings at my in-laws house, my house or at a restaurant during the holiday season. How I dread it so.

    I've asked for all sorts of advice, too. People can give you advice but ultimately, it's all about you and your husband and no one else. It all boils down to YOUR behaviors.

    Within my family tree on both sides including in-laws, due to social media / FB and the Internet Age, our lives are intertwined. I even have a BFF whose yoga instructor is my sister's FB friend. It's crazy and disturbingly intertwined. You and I can't control any of that. It gets bad. My SIL and sister are in contact whenever SIL's in town from across the country. Then we're forced to get together and act as if we all get along just swell with no bad blood between us. Talk about awkward, uncomfortable and looking for the nearest exit so we can LEAVE stat! Believe me, I prefer to get a root canal instead of attend these gatherings!

    My advice to you is to realize you can't do anything about your situation. Neither can your husband. You nor anyone cannot tell others what to do because they hate that and the more you push, the more push back you will receive, the more backlash you will receive, the more resistance you will receive and you will only cause the situation to grow worse. It's a lose lose situation. I know you and your husband are bitter and resentful. That comes with the territory when it comes to family, in-laws and those who will never exercise boundaries!

    You and your husband cannot control others or the situation. The ONLY thing you can control is yourself and coach your husband regarding how to behave at these uncomfortable, awkward and unpleasant family gatherings. This is what I do: I'm cool, polite, do my bit for the sake of peace, same with my husband, show class yet there is a way to be aloof, standoffish, frosty, distant and civil all the while. We don't love nor hate. We're in control. We don't overly engage. We're well mannered and classy. We keep the peace for everyone, we don't cause fights, arguments, never explode nor become emotional. Practice good diplomacy. Be the bigger person, take the higher road. Don't be chummy and unnatural. Have good manners, show class but don't go out of your way to be chummy and chatty. Learn to be with others instead. Don't focus and concentrate on those whom you do not like, admire and respect. Your complaint is universal. There are times when you must bite your tongue, look the other way, pretend you didn't hear it and learn to walk away.

    I'm not telling you to be a doormat. I'm telling you there is a way to be a class act while not being close to people who don't treat your right. Be on your guard all the time. Be polite, well mannered, don't engage excessively, it's ok to stay apart, work the room and keep your visits as brief as possible. Never linger. Excuse yourself politely if you want to leave to speak to someone else or leave to go home. Always remain GRACIOUS.

    I can tell you a lot of gripes courtesy of my MIL, SIL, sister, friends, you name it. We're lumped together, my husband and I dread these obligatory gatherings but you put your big girl panties on and show class always. Get the 'torture' over with. You and your husband will be proud of yourselves.

    It's reminiscent of working with colleagues whom you despise. You have to be mature and peaceful. Watch what you say and write. Be careful, remain cautious always. You make the best of a bad situation. Remain civil, cool, well mannered and leave it at that. Never lower yourself by engaging in ugly vs. ugly, nasty vs. nasty. Never say nor write what you will regret. Never instigate nor provoke. If someone starts a fight, walk away. If someone irritates you, walk away. Same with your husband. Learn to walk away. Don't engage in a fight. Always walk away. Always show class, poise and aplomb. They'll never change, the situation will not change. The change comes from you and your husband and how you two handle it from this day forward.

    It works for my husband and me and hope my advice will work for you and your husband, too. Keep your head high. Be cool, collected and in control. When the gathering is over, both of you will be proud of yourselves and your conduct.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,080
    Correction: My BFF's SIL is one of my sister's FB friends. My BFF doesn't get along with her SIL and her brother because of his wife and we both don't like the fact that her SIL, yoga instructor is my sister's friend. My sister and I have a dicey relationship due to her husband, my BIL's inappropriate, disrespectful comments to me and my immediate family. Of course, my sister will forever defend her meal ticket, her husband. Family / in-law resentments are universal the world over!!!!

    Anyway, your story has parallels to mine. Every in-law / family forced gathering makes me want to vomit. For the sake of the cousins and the younger generation, we adults are civil, peaceful, we don our fake merriness masks for the sake of the whole and then we go home. All you can do is act gracious, respectful, polite and well-mannered while remaining cool and distantly frosty. There is an art and science to this type of behavior. My husband and I have since had tons of practice! You can be civil, peaceful and polite while avoiding people whom you don't like. You don't have to engage in small talk and chit chat. You can be cool, calm and collected. Talk to someone else. You husband can do the same. Be brave and courageous. Always show class. If my husband and I can do it, so you can you and your husband.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,946
    Gender
    Female
    Was this young woman an old flame in high school or something?

  7. #16
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    6
    It’s just frustrating. I see this friend posting how she’s at his house with his family and then posting how she’s hanging out with his younger sister. I don’t understand why she’s so important to them, especially since she was my husband’s friend but now they are trying to pretend they were so close with her when the younger sister met her a handful of times. And then when he finds out she’s been around his family and is getting invited to things, he doesn’t want to go around them. So it’s basically they are pushing him out by staying friends with her, which he has told them, but then blame me for it, even though I try pushing him to invite them to our home or go visit with them and he says no. Even my father in law has told them to remove the friend off social media but they refuse to do so.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    1,080
    I was once you long ago, amnestyaller. You have to learn to let go and live your own life and same with your husband. Stop obsessing about her and them. Don't check up on FB or social media either otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy! Don't place such importance on her or his family. It's a waste of your time and energy to constantly try to figure her or them out. Let them have at it as they please.

    You and your husband should have that "I don't care" attitude. Let them do what they do.

    If both of you opt out of family gatherings, politely decline to attend. If you two attend, remain polite, well-mannered yet safely distant. Don't engage.

    Don't try to remove people from FB. That is their choice and they will do whatever they wish. You nor anyone doesn't have control.

    Don't be envious or jealous. I was once like that. Don't be that way because it eats you up inside which is unhealthy. Don't be preoccupied with others. Learn to enjoy your own life, have the freedom to decline gatherings and if you and your husband attend, keep a cool head. I'm this way. I'm polite yet distant. It really works. I'm not chatty. I do my bit and simply stay away. I'm also natural and keep a cool head. This is possible. With practice, it gets easier and easier. Your high self-esteem and self-confidence will grow by leaps and bounds. Show your intelligence, maturity and behavior by remaining above it.

    My SIL and sister constantly blast their together pics several times a year when SIL travels from 3000 miles away. It makes me nauseous but then I tell myself it's ok. Blood is thicker than water. I simply stay away and mind my own business. It works.

    You'll never be able to prove anything and will always get the blame. It's happened to me, too. I've found that I can't control what other people think or say but I can control whether or not I'll hear it so this is why I steer clear. I NEVER invite them into my home. NEVER EVER.

    Remember remain cool, polite yet frosty distant. Works every time!

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,946
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by amnestyaller
    It’s just frustrating. I see this friend posting how she’s at his house with his family and then posting how she’s hanging out with his younger sister. I don’t understand why she’s so important to them, especially since she was my husband’s friend but now they are trying to pretend they were so close with her when the younger sister met her a handful of times. And then when he finds out she’s been around his family and is getting invited to things, he doesn’t want to go around them. So it’s basically they are pushing him out by staying friends with her, which he has told them, but then blame me for it, even though I try pushing him to invite them to our home or go visit with them and he says no. Even my father in law has told them to remove the friend off social media but they refuse to do so.
    Again, i am going to ask - was she an old flame of his in high school?

    he cannot control who they decide is their friend, but CAN decide NOT to invite her to things that concern him. If you have a party for him, do not invite her. And start doing things with family members one on one - invite his parents over for dinner, call up his sister and do something with her - not these freeform hangouts where everyone comes.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,299
    Gender
    Male
    You can't control or micromanage who his family is friends with. As long as your husband isn't cheating or flirting what are you so worried about? His family shouldn't have to take orders from you about who they invite over or have on social media because you are jealous of this women. Some short term therapy may help you put things in perspective and sort out these insecurity-driven unreasonable demands on his family and make you feel better. Perhaps marriage therapy will get to the root of the real problems..
    Originally Posted by amnestyaller
    they don’t want to remove her from their lives to not “hurt her feelings” but it’s okay for them to hurt us by not having the respect to just not be friends with her? It ridiculous I feel this way, and I’m just trying to find a way to get over it and be able to try to fix the relationships between all of us.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 06-11-2019 at 03:12 AM.

  11. 06-11-2019, 01:30 PM

  12. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    34,299
    Gender
    Male
    This is not a dating site.
    Originally Posted by JessicaMary
    Hello I'm Jessica by name...... Hope to hear from you soon

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •