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Thread: Unsure of whether I should just end things

  1. #1

    Unsure of whether I should just end things

    So me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months now and we met on our college course. At first we were both too shy to talk to each other but eventually we found that we had a lot in common and he asked me to be his girlfriend after a few months of getting to know each other. Communication was great and he was very responsive so I took that as a good sign.

    As I hadnt been in a relationship for a while I got a bit worried that he was only interested for sexual reasons (nothing he did or said led me to believe this, just my own worries) so I spoke to him and said that if he only wanted sex from me, we should end things. He reassured me that he was happy being with me and that he saw me as more than sex which was relieving.

    We saw quite a lot of each other as our bus stops were pretty close to each other so we'd walk each other to the station every day and always had lunch together. He mentioned to me that a girl in his past had messed him around (he didn't go into much detail and I didnt want to press for more information incase he took it the wrong way)

    Our course ended in April and since then we've only been seeing each other once every fortnight due to distance. At this stage in our relationship, surely this isnt normal. I mean he only lives around 45 minutes away and my parents are always willing to drop me off at his and pick me up (and vice versa), so really distance cant be used as an excuse as there are ways around it. I also feel like I'm the only one who puts effort into arranging the meet ups which puts me down as I feel like he doesnt want to spend time with me.

    As well as this, he never opens up to me emotionally like he did at the beginning so it feels weird for me to show my emotions since I'm getting nothing in return. I tried talking about it to him face to face but he just kept changing the subject and then I even tried texting him about it but he just picked certain things to reply to, often ignoring the most important parts. He says he loves me and that I'm an amazing girlfriend but his actions seem to prove otherwise. Is this just a guy thing and he doesnt realise what he's doing? I understand if he's anxious that I'll hurt him but at this point surely I've proven that I'm in it for real, I'm not going to hurt him. I've even said that to him multiple times but I dont know if I'm getting the message through.

    He is in a comedy act with some of his friends and they had a gig in a city around 4/5 hours from my city, and from his. As I wanted to be a supportive girlfriend I got the bus by myself to the gig and they were really successful. He appreciated me going but I feel like he could have met me at the bus station or walked me back but he didnt. To make things worse I was talking to my boyfriends best friend and he said my boyfriend hadn't mentioned that he had a girlfriend until very recently. Surely he would have told his best friend about his girlfriend of 8 months..or am I just overreacting? I've met some of his other friends but him keeping me a secret for so long is a bit concerning. I mean my boyfriend is very private most of the time so I get it but at the same time it's his closest friend.

    I do love him, truly I do. But most of the time I feel like he only wants me because I make him feel good about himself and am always putting the effort in. He tells me all the time that it's good I show my emotions to him but at the same time he never shows me his emotions so what am I supposed to do? I get that some people are reserved about showing their vulnerable side but I feel like I've showed him many times I am here for him and I'm not going anywhere.

    Should I give him the benefit of the doubt and see if things change or is it best for me to just let it go? I don't want to hurt him but I keep jumping to the wrong conclusions when he doesn't give me straight answers and it's driving me crazy. Sorry for the long post, I just want to make sure you understand where I'm coming from. Thank you, any advice will be appreciated.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    I would just honestly just back off and see how he reacts. If youíre always moving forward and doing everything, youíre not leaving any of the heavy lifting for him. Let him pursue you. If he doesnít once you back off, then you have your answer. He sounds lukewarm about you, based on the info youíve posted. Itís no wonder youíre confused and in limbo.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    If after 8 months, you've observed all these red flags, I don't see how your relationship with him can endure.

    His behavior is alarming. 45 minutes apart isn't an excuse. My boyfriend (now husband) lived 45 minutes apart from me yet we had dinner together at least once or twice during the week plus weekends. 45 minutes apart is nothing.

    Then you went through lengths to hop on a bus to attend his comedy act yet he can't do the right thing to ensure your safety such as meet you at the bus stop and see to it that the bus picked you up safely as well? What a guy!

    He doesn't open up to you emotionally, not a good communicator, ignores what doesn't concern him and after 8 months he fails to mention you to his best friend. Something doesn't add up about him. No, you're not overreacting. I wouldn't like his behavior and attitude either.

    No, I wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt nor let it go. He's hurting YOU as described in your post. If he continues to sidestep and deflect by not giving you straight answers, everything will remain status quo = NO change.

    Think of how your future will be with him. If he won't change and improve for the better, it will be the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Then you decide whether or not his behavior will provide long term happiness for you and your relationship with him. Only you can determine if this relationship should drag out as is or if you deserve a better man in your future.

    You're an amazing girlfriend. The real question to yourself is: "Is he an amazing boyfriend?"

    No, it's not just a guy thing. Be with an empathetic man who knows how to treat a lady, you with respect, honor and dignity. Respect = LOVE. If a man cannot and will not treat you as if you matter, he's a bad apple or reject.

  4. #4
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    The sounds very one-sided. I think it is time to move on, he is not treating you well at all. Time to find a guy who will.

    Really terrible that he did not care about your safety, to and from the bus stop. That alone would have been enough for me.

    This guy never had any intention of letting you in.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-09-2019 at 12:43 AM.

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  6. #5
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    No, this isn't just something guys do. At least the ones who want something serious don't.

    He sounds fine with more casual dating, and seeing you when it suits him, but the investment just isn't really there on his part. He also knows what he's doing if you've talked to him about it. The problem is that he doesn't seem interested in making any changes.

    I would take a step back and observe. Watch what he does of his volition. Be prepared to walk away if he doesn't make more of an effort.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok stop doing this so you can see where the cards fall and gauge what's going on. Don't be a cheerleader or fan.
    Originally Posted by Artygirl12
    I make him feel good about himself and am always putting the effort in.

  8. #7
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    Why would you get on a 4/5 hour bus journey to see a show you were not invited to and expect him to meet you off that bus and walk you back to the bus stop?

    He didnít invite you to see his show!

    Did he even know that you were going??

  9. #8
    No he asked me to go, sorry I didnt make that clear in my original message

  10. #9
    Thank you all for your help

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    It's not good, Artygirl.

    It doesn't sound like he takes you seriously and he doesn't feel you're important enough to make efforts for.
    You're right, he should be coming to see you a lot more and make plan with you a lot more. He should be a gentleman and walk you to and from the bus station.
    The fact that his best friend had no clue who you were is very revealing!

    Most people in love can't help but want the world to know of their new found love, or at least those closest to them.
    He's not acting like you're special or important to him and he might say nice words, but his actions are pretty lame.

    If I had a boyfriend like that, I'd be walking out the door and not looking back.


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