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Thread: Am I to blame

  1. #1

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    Am I to blame

    Ive been dating this guy I met online for a year. The relationship started out rocky and continued. He sees me when he wants to.. though the year he said he is in love with me , wanted to have a family and marriage... By saying this he still blocked me once a month over things I beleive is so petty.

    It's started as i don't have time for a relationship, lied to me about his age, lied to me he had a child, left to interstate cause he had an old head injury as his mind is not clear, never through the relastionship he let me know where he lived and never introduce me to his friends. I stood by him and accepted all his wrongs.. but what cut the chase is when he message me telling me he like a girl at work it just happen...

    I've blocked and removed his details but still miss him.. and I doing something so wrong in live to be treated by someone I thought would be the one ?

    Need some advice.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think this is a good situation for you. The only thing wrong you're doing is sinking so low to allow yourself to be treated so badly by anyone. If you don't have time for a relationship, acknowledge that and don't make bad decisions or decisions that compromise your health or wellbeing in the long run. You are the one who gets to make those decisions for yourself.

  3. #3
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    You are definitely not to blame. He doesn't sound like a reliable and honest person. And, to top it all, he is a liar regarding some major things. Red flag, IMO. You don't need someone like him in your life. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and love. I admire you for blocking him and getting out of this toxic situation. Bravo! Don't contact him again - ever. If he really loved you, he wouldn't hide all those things from you and he wouldn't treat you in such terrible ways. Plus, who knows what else he's hiding? He is a total jerk.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    What you are doing wrong is tolerating this kind of behavior just because this guy dangled the marriage carrot in front of your nose. If you really want marriage and kids, better raise your standards and don't waste your time on liars and losers. Learn how to weed this kind of garbage out long before you get attached and kicking them to the curb becomes hard.

    Respect yourself more. Remember that people will treat you however you allow it. When you tolerate this kind of garbage behavior, you get treated accordingly. Learn to walk away quickly.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Please read articles and/or read books on how to build a healthy self-esteem. If you don't, you will continue to choose lowlifes instead of a man who is worthy of you. We subconsciously choose people who we think we deserve. I'm glad you finally had a breaking point, but you really should have left at the first sign you weren't a priority, and any other behaviors that should've been dealbreakers to you.

    Be alone until you learn to be happy solo and your self-worth has improved. Take care.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Summer11

    I stood by him and accepted all his wrongs..
    I disagree with some of the others, I think, in part, you are to blame.

    Why?

    He treated you like garbage, but yet you accepted all of it.

    That's on you, and as a result he lost all respect for you.

    Don't get me wrong the guy's a d-bag for how he treated you, but it's important to learn when you have no boundaries and allow a man to treat you the way he treated you, you cannot possibly expect him to respect you.

    Which in his mind gives him license to continue his bad behavior, including stringing you along, until he finds a woman who is strong enough to say NO, this is not acceptable! Which may include ending the relationship altogether.

    She is the woman he will respect and will treat with respect. Assuming they remain together.

    I am sorry if that sounded harsh and I am sorry you're hurting. But going forward, please do not ever allow a man to treat you this way again.

    He won't respect you, and when a man stops respecting you, you can pretty much kiss the relationship goodbye.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-06-2019 at 06:11 PM.

  8. #7
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I totally agree with Katrina. The OP IS to blame.

    Why on earth would you accept his lying and mistreatment of you? Who would do that? You need to work on your self-esteem and not allow people to treat you like that.

  9. #8
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    I know the feeling of wanting to feel loved and accepted and sometimes we are taught to "accept others, faults and all". Accepting has to do with accepting our neighbor even though they might be differet than us, vs allowing bad behavior and unwisely choosing that person to be the person closest to us. Please love yourself and walk away for good

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Blaming someone with low self esteem, never helps. "Tough love" doesn't work for everyone, honestly I don't think it works for most. But what I'm sure of, is that it works for people with self confidence, because that's "tough Love's" target. You have to have some ego for someone to provoke it.

    OP, yes you need to work on yourself so you'll avoid guys like this in the future, but it wasn't your fault this didn't work out, it's his. If you valued yourself more, you'd just ditch him way sooner.

    I'm saying this because I've been in tons of disfunctional relationships, always satisfied with breadcrumbs and all that sh*tty behavior. Since I've been in therapy, things are getting a lot better. You learn to set boundaries, you get your self worth/confidence/esteem higher and you don't settle for less.

  11. #10
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    Its not the OPs fault. She was giving him the benefit of the doubt and tried to overlook the negative. Weve all been there before.

    I agree with Cope. Therapy will help to learn more about yourself and keeping toxic people away.

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