I gave up alot for him

This is my first time posting here but I’ve been reading this forum and would love to get some advice or a third person point of view. I met my ex while he was on holiday in the city I used to work in. We hit it right off and shortly he started visiting me every month. I was going through alot where I lived and I needed to find a way out so my plan was to move to another country. My ex was supportive at the time but also wanted me to move to his country. Moving there was very difficult because the visa and immigration rules were very strict. After much consideration and conversations with my ex I told him it would be very difficult and that I can’t control my situation and that if he doesn’t see us going anywhere then he should just leave me.

He didn’t. In fact he stuck around and eventually I did move to his country. Many teary phone calls I explained that the process would be too hard and that it might be hard on our relationship. He said to come and that everything would be alright. I moved and started the process to be able to stay there. We mentioned marriage few times but he was very much against it and I also felt we just started the relationship. So I looked for alternatives and have been fighting to find a way. In the months I was there we fought and argued because of the pressure we had to go through because of the case but mostly we grew closer and were completely in love. The good days were much more than the bad days and I felt we can go through anything together.

Few months in I realized that for me to stay there there was no way but to get married. After much research I opened up to him about it and told him that we can do it on paper. I did though tell him if he feels he has his life ahead and doesn’t want to do it then he can leave right then and there. We talked, we cried and decided to give him two weeks to decide.

He eventually accepts and we start the proceedings. It was amazing. He was excited and I was excited too. Then we faced problems with the marriage process so i felt under pressure again and we started fighting. Something suddenly changed in him and I realized that I also needed to change and improve myself for us. So I went to therapy and did everything to stop my depression from hurting us. In the months that followed it felt like I was doing alot to try and fix us but he just started having doubts and fears. His anxiety grew worse and he would have panic attacks occasionally. I told him I will give it time and that i don’t want us to get married now. I put everything on the side and bottled up my emotions and pressure and just stuck by his side. He started treating me bad but I knew he was just feeling overwhelmed so I kept being patient.

It all came to a point where he humiliated me on a night out and I couldn’t go through it anymore. I broke up with him. Since then we have had conversations where we either were calm or angry.

He said he feels the decision is the right one and that he needs a year for himself to know what he wants. I agreed but also was very broken hearted cause I’ve done everything to fix us and be there for him.

I also face the consequences of being returned to the country i was in and it’s all too much. So I get angry at him and we had a fight over the phone two weeks after our breakup to which he said he fell out of love months ago and that he feels pressured and just wants to focus on himself. I also feel betrayed because as much as I gave him options and time. He didn’t even consider trying to fix it and now I face the consequences by myself.

We have been together almost two years. Yes, the good times were much more than the bad even though I don’t mention them here but we were completely in love and fought hard against the external pressure. I’m so hurt and sad and fearful of what’s to come. I love him so much and just want us to have another chance but feel like he can’t even remember the love or great things we’ve done together.

I don’t know what to do. I’m trying my best to find a way to stay while going through the breakup but it’s all so difficult for me now. I keep hoping that he takes time and calms down to think clearly. But after our last phone call I don’t even know if that’s going to happen.

Why can't you move back home? It's not to late to correct your mistake of moving there. It's not working out.

Moving back is not an option. I went through alot where I lived and the plan was to leave anyway. Now I don’t even have the option to go anywhere else. Either stay here or go back (which will hurt me in alot of ways I can’t really mention here)

If you buy a new TV and it breaks within a few months. Do you try fix it or return it?

Why try fix something that was never ever going to work?

You clearly overstayed your visa. That was a risk YOU took, not him.

Go home, accept the ban for returning there and accept that the relationship is over.

I didn’t overstay my visa. I’m still legal here and going through a case. I didn’t do anything illegal of the sort. Thanks for your advice.

I didn’t overstay my visa. I’m still legal here and going through a case. I didn’t do anything illegal of the sort. Thanks for your advice.

Well then I fail so see how you gave up a lot for him?

What did you give up?

I live abroad too, OP. I understand the visa process to relocate can be harrowing.

It is going to be better that he is not involved, as it is clear now that he wasn't really ever fully in it with you. It would also be unwise to marry - even on paper - since it puts you (and him) at great risk of later being in trouble with authorities for marriage fraud. If the visa process is strict in his country, you can be sure they are on the lookout for couples who marry just for the sake of obtaining legal residency. Add to that the fact that he didn't even really appear to want to marry, and it's not the way to go. What did he do to humiliate you on this night out?

I don't think you can count on him changing his mind or offering his support from here on out. He seems well and truly checked out.

Are there are other countries which you could consider relocating to? Would you able to make it on your own where you currently are? If marriage is truly the only option you'd have, you need to start developing a Plan B before the visa expires, one that likely involves settling somewhere else altogether.

It’s a long story that I can’t really tell all here but during that time I was supposed to be moving to another country where I had things figured out. He started pushing me to move to his. Saying he travelled alot to be with me and that it would work. I gave up on a future in another country for him and for this difficult process. I gave up on seeing my family for years. I gave up on having my friends around me. On occasions i used to run to him when I knew he was dealing with things and to drop everything. I told him the case won’t work here and he heard it from my lawyer. I gave up on having a job and a stable life because he wanted me to move and was pressuring me to even though i said i can’t and asked if he could move instead. At that time I trusted him so much and that everything would be alright. It was fine for a long period and he was going to go through with the only option that would have fixed everything. I even gave up on figuring things out sooner because he wanted to go through with marriage. I gave time and effort and tbh i felt like nothing could break us. In the end i did everything he asked and ended up being in this awful situation. You could say it was my choice too and I do know that. But when I wanted to go and do things my way he would run to me and tell me that he wants us to work and to do things together. So for him I gave up that too.

I’m trying my best to get sponsored here now but it’s a difficult process too. It’s a very traumatic situation I’m in now but I’m still hanging in there. As for the marriage it was going to be real minus the wedding since we didn’t have money for that and actually instead started searching for apartments so we can save and buy in the near future when I start working. So you can say it wasn’t really fraud, just rushed. We both believed why it had to be like that at time but I guess things changed.

It’s a long story that I can’t really tell all here but during that time I was supposed to be moving to another country where I had things figured out. He started pushing me to move to his. Saying he travelled alot to be with me and that it would work. I gave up on a future in another country for him and for this difficult process. I gave up on seeing my family for years. I gave up on having my friends around me. On occasions i used to run to him when I knew he was dealing with things and to drop everything. I told him the case won’t work here and he heard it from my lawyer. I gave up on having a job and a stable life because he wanted me to move and was pressuring me to even though i said i can’t and asked if he could move instead. At that time I trusted him so much and that everything would be alright. It was fine for a long period and he was going to go through with the only option that would have fixed everything. I even gave up on figuring things out sooner because he wanted to go through with marriage. I gave time and effort and tbh i felt like nothing could break us. In the end i did everything he asked and ended up being in this awful situation. You could say it was my choice too and I do know that. But when I wanted to go and do things my way he would run to me and tell me that he wants us to work and to do things together. So for him I gave up that too.

You are being over the top dramatic.

You say you gave up on seeing your family for years for him. Yet you are with him less that two years and ?only about a year if even that since you left family. And you said you had plans to move country anyway !?

So, no. You didn’t give up seeing family for him.

If your visa is valid , then why do do need to get married?? To stay there? Why stay there and/or get married if your relationship isn’t working out? I’m glad he has the sense not to fix something that’s simply beyond repair.

It’s irrelevant what he promised when he barely knew you and vice versa.

You moved the honeymoon phase to his country. Your choice. Your risk. It didn’t pay off.

Don’t blame him for sacrifices you made that had ultimately nothing to do with him.

I’m trying my best to get sponsored here now but it’s a difficult process too. It’s a very traumatic situation I’m in now but I’m still hanging in there. As for the marriage it was going to be real minus the wedding since we didn’t have money for that and actually instead started searching for apartments so we can save and buy in the near future when I start working. So you can say it wasn’t really fraud, just rushed. We both believed why it had to be like that at time but I guess things changed.

The marriage was never going to be real. The proof of that is that he isn’t getting married to you.

You are NOT in a traumatic situation.

You can simply just go live in the country you originally planned on.

The only thing fraudulent about your marriage would not have been in the legal sense.

The fact you can read a post and assume so much about a person that’s telling you they can’t write everything here. Instead of try to make someone feel better if they are coming for advice and maybe to let out their anger and frustration is beyond sick. We’ve been together for 2 years but visa process would have taken longer. You need to actually maybe be a bit more sympathetic because you don’t know half of it. We’ve been together for more than a honeymoon phase when he agreed and even then I told him to leave if he doesn’t want to. We’ve already been through alot together before then. I’m so shocked by your responses that the only thing I want to do is delete all of this. I’m in a very difficult situation because i was sexually abused in the country I was living in. I’m also a refugee. Now are you happy to know a bit more or are you just going to continue being this nasty?

Also, I HAD the option to move to another country before I moved here. When I came here and because it took so long to come to a decision about whether he wanted to stay or leave. NOW i can’t.

Also, I HAD the option to move to another country before I moved here. When I came here and because it took so long to come to a decision about whether he wanted to stay or leave. NOW i can’t.

So what are your options at this point? I mean that sincerely. Are you able to try to find work on the visa you currently hold? I am guessing not, or I imagine you'd have gone that route already. You mention you are a refugee, so are you able to apply for asylum where you are now?

I'm just trying to work out where the only real alternative is being sent back to your country of origin, or wherever you had legal residency prior to this.

My last option is try to be sponsored here. See if I can find a company that can give me work visa.

The country I was in originally I run the risk of being trafficked. I was alone there and some powerful men started taking advantage of me.

I did apply for asylum but the country I used to live in is relatively safe in the eyes of the law. Even though I have proof of being abused my lawyer says it’s not going anywhere because they would only follow the laws they have.

To relocate means I have to run somewhere and go illegally. Even then i run the risk of being returned.

The fact you can read a post and assume so much about a person that’s telling you they can’t write everything here. Instead of try to make someone feel better if they are coming for advice and maybe to let out their anger and frustration is beyond sick. We’ve been together for 2 years but visa process would have taken longer. You need to actually maybe be a bit more sympathetic because you don’t know half of it. We’ve been together for more than a honeymoon phase when he agreed and even then I told him to leave if he doesn’t want to. We’ve already been through alot together before then. I’m so shocked by your responses that the only thing I want to do is delete all of this. I’m in a very difficult situation because i was sexually abused in the country I was living in. I’m also a refugee. Now are you happy to know a bit more or are you just going to continue being this nasty?

I didn’t assume anything beyond the details you provided.

Which is that you freely left your family to live in another county. That was your intent and after meeting this guy , you chose to go to his country instead. The relationship didn’t work out as you both had hoped on getting to know each other beyond the honeymoon phase.

That is what I responded to!

I am not here to make you feel better or to be sympathetic. I am here to give you realistic advice.

You surround yourself with friends for sympathy and good feel factor.

I am sorry for you that you were the recipient of abuse in a country you sought refuge in.

You chose to leave that country , but you can’t run away from that. Sorry.

My last option is try to be sponsored here. See if I can find a company that can give me work visa.

It sounds like this is all you can really do, then.

Have you been applying for jobs? Trying to connect with potential employers? And yes, I realize it's not so easy to find sponsorship through work. I myself have a work permit in my current country, but I don't think you have other options at this point.

My last option is try to be sponsored here. See if I can find a company that can give me work visa.

 

The country I was in originally I run the risk of being trafficked. I was alone there and some powerful men started taking advantage of me.

 

I did apply for asylum but the country I used to live in is relatively safe in the eyes of the law. Even though I have proof of being abused my lawyer says it’s not going anywhere because they would only follow the laws they have.

 

To relocate means I have to run somewhere and go illegally. Even then i run the risk of being returned.

That is your last option to stay in that country.

I also had that in the country i live in.

You can return to the country you got refuge at, legally. You know that!!

Yet you created a post here about a failed relationship and didn’t mention anything about legal status in any country.

I had to go through an expensive process to live where I do now, I gained a visa through employment not a fake marriage.

With all due respect, I'm not seeing where getting upset at the OP is helpful. Maybe we can focus more on the reason she posted which was about dealing with her emotions and pain in the break down of her relationship.

I'm sorry, Memome. This is a difficult and traumatic situation regarding your original country and your issues here. I hope you continue to find peace and strength in your quiet times.

I think the greatest concern should be for yourself and taking care of you going forwards. For reasons out of your control at this point, your boyfriend is not in the picture. The longer you stay emotionally transfixed or paralyzed in pain, the longer it means time is ticking you by and that's time that you can use to look at different ways to stay in this country. Some casual work can lead to sponsorship. My husband's business sponsored quite a few individuals over the years. You should speak to your lawyer about options and go for job interviews.

I'm going to respond mostly regarding your relationship and your emotional state at the moment and leave the legal advice of your situation to your lawyer.

Give yourself time to breathe. Start developing ideas and thoughts that are more healthy to your independence or your future independent of any other individual. It doesn't matter whether it's for a man or woman or someone else. You did give up a lot and I think you're already remorseful and feeling very upset and guilty about that. You feel enough of it inside you and don't need anyone else to make you feel badly about it. What you do have to do going forward is gather yourself and pick yourself up. Start thinking a bit more for yourself and acknowledging that we (none of us can) control others. We can't control a bad break up or the emotions of anyone else (your boyfriend included). He exists independently of you and him in a relationship just as you should be able to exist on your own. Your emotional and mental state should be whole and independent of any relationship in your life. I know you're down now but don't stay down forever. Keep working and thinking towards a better future. Think about how far you've come from your original country and start making plans to stay. You've made decisions to be with someone else but now start making decisions for yourself.

I think what a lot of individuals don't quite understand (I know I didn't when I was younger) was that when we make decisions for our future, they have to move in tandem appeasing and ticking off individual boxes and those of our partner's (the relationship as a whole). This is what it means to be compatible and recognizing when a relationship is compatible. When this falls out of balance, emotionally and mentally things start to go downhill. Start balancing your best interests going forward. I'm not saying you didn't earlier but there were red flags and warning signs. I'm reading from your posts that you did feel pinches in your gut and you did have initial instincts (strong instincts) that moving to his country was very difficult. In future, keep your best interests forwards especially in such difficult situations. It's not impossible. You made a mistake and you've owned up to it. Start figuring things out and put aside those feelings of guilt and remorse. Don't be paralyzed in fear and pain. Keep balancing your life the way you always have but this time with renewed interests in your own future. One day you might be balancing the best interests of others too: your children, your family, your employees, your business/work. Keep on going and don't lose heart.

That’s lovely Rose but it’s not what the OP created a thread about.

She does have the option to go elsewhere , where her family are (not her original country of origin granted) but she feels like this guy owes her and she is essentially staying for that reason and blaming him for her choice to go there over somewhere else.

The OP does need to accept responsibility for her actions regardless of promises made by another (within the honeymoon phase)

Did she really give up much for him?

No. She was moving country freely regardless. And the current struggle she faces to stay there has nothing to do with him.

Firstly, I would not have moved PERIOD unless your company had a branch in that country and gave you an amazing job offer or you were in a relationship where you both wanted to get married and there was a ring on your finger and you were both deciding where it would be best for the two of you to live and turned out to be the other country.

I really am doubting that you cannot move back to where your family is unless you did something illegal and you are running from it.

If that is not the case, you are too hard on yourself. if you burned a bridge with a friend, you can make new ones. Its YOUR country - you are allowed back there. You don't have to live exactly where you lived before. If you move back, you will have the advantage of citizenship, to travel freely within the country and with protections of a citizen. you have nothing where you live now and you cannot stay because you don't have a sponsor.

Perhaps it's better to wait for Memome to clear up the discussion and clarify what she's hoping for in terms of answers. It is, afterall, not about ourselves but about the OP. Let's see what she needs help with and go from there.

There are some countries that basically "punish" you for leaving in the first place. My former roommate could not visit her home country after she moved here (U.S.) to go to school because she would have been picked up and interrogated and possibly detained. Her family members that still lived there were being watched.

We in the US enjoy so much freedom to move about that it's sometimes hard for us to understand it's not that way everywhere.

Why don't you move to your family, as this is not the country you were abused in?

There are alot of things I can’t say because of my status and how easy this post could be found. But I do see alot of you probably do enjoy having a citizenship and being able to travel. I had mentioned I’m a refugee. I do not have a citizenship. Nor can i travel to where my family lives and I can’t really explain why.

Just know I’m someone very different than all of you situation wise. And no I have never done anything illegal. Laws are just difficult for some people because of where they come from that’s all.

I guess in the end I did say what my option was and I have to focus on that. I have left relationships before because of my situation and have always been clear about what I can and can’t control. This time around I was pretty much helpess because of abuse and this guy was like a protection net. I won’t say he is a bad person. He actually DID stand by my side ALOT in our relationship. I guess my situation though is a lot of pressure. I wanted to believe everything can get resolved and the thing is I believe my ex has this elaborate plan of taking a year to himself then reconnecting with me if I stay. He let it slip the other day. I won’t stand for that though.

Again please try not to get more info because I can’t be very open here since posts can’t be deleted. My family and I are not in our home countries. Focus on the fact i’m a refugee and search what countries we come from you’d know why everything is quite difficult. I did search for protection in the country I was in but the abuse got so much and police did nothing. I was suicidal for a while. Refrain from jumping to conclusions or assuming things. Like I said the option I have now is to get sponsorship. My relationship I accept it’s over now. No use in trying to revive it. I guess what I wanted to get from here is whether someone can be so overwhelmed and then maybe get back to their senses, to see if my ex could be like that. It hurts I have to lose someone because of circumstances I can’t control. I was very clear from the start that this would be hard on our relationship. We did stick together through so much. I guess in the end it got a bit too much for my ex and people in his life were not very supportive.