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Thread: I gave up alot for him

  1. #1
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    I gave up alot for him

    This is my first time posting here but Iíve been reading this forum and would love to get some advice or a third person point of view. I met my ex while he was on holiday in the city I used to work in. We hit it right off and shortly he started visiting me every month. I was going through alot where I lived and I needed to find a way out so my plan was to move to another country. My ex was supportive at the time but also wanted me to move to his country. Moving there was very difficult because the visa and immigration rules were very strict. After much consideration and conversations with my ex I told him it would be very difficult and that I canít control my situation and that if he doesnít see us going anywhere then he should just leave me.

    He didnít. In fact he stuck around and eventually I did move to his country. Many teary phone calls I explained that the process would be too hard and that it might be hard on our relationship. He said to come and that everything would be alright. I moved and started the process to be able to stay there. We mentioned marriage few times but he was very much against it and I also felt we just started the relationship. So I looked for alternatives and have been fighting to find a way. In the months I was there we fought and argued because of the pressure we had to go through because of the case but mostly we grew closer and were completely in love. The good days were much more than the bad days and I felt we can go through anything together.

    Few months in I realized that for me to stay there there was no way but to get married. After much research I opened up to him about it and told him that we can do it on paper. I did though tell him if he feels he has his life ahead and doesnít want to do it then he can leave right then and there. We talked, we cried and decided to give him two weeks to decide.

    He eventually accepts and we start the proceedings. It was amazing. He was excited and I was excited too. Then we faced problems with the marriage process so i felt under pressure again and we started fighting. Something suddenly changed in him and I realized that I also needed to change and improve myself for us. So I went to therapy and did everything to stop my depression from hurting us. In the months that followed it felt like I was doing alot to try and fix us but he just started having doubts and fears. His anxiety grew worse and he would have panic attacks occasionally. I told him I will give it time and that i donít want us to get married now. I put everything on the side and bottled up my emotions and pressure and just stuck by his side. He started treating me bad but I knew he was just feeling overwhelmed so I kept being patient.

    It all came to a point where he humiliated me on a night out and I couldnít go through it anymore. I broke up with him. Since then we have had conversations where we either were calm or angry.
    He said he feels the decision is the right one and that he needs a year for himself to know what he wants. I agreed but also was very broken hearted cause Iíve done everything to fix us and be there for him.

    I also face the consequences of being returned to the country i was in and itís all too much. So I get angry at him and we had a fight over the phone two weeks after our breakup to which he said he fell out of love months ago and that he feels pressured and just wants to focus on himself. I also feel betrayed because as much as I gave him options and time. He didnít even consider trying to fix it and now I face the consequences by myself.

    We have been together almost two years. Yes, the good times were much more than the bad even though I donít mention them here but we were completely in love and fought hard against the external pressure. Iím so hurt and sad and fearful of whatís to come. I love him so much and just want us to have another chance but feel like he canít even remember the love or great things weíve done together.

    I donít know what to do. Iím trying my best to find a way to stay while going through the breakup but itís all so difficult for me now. I keep hoping that he takes time and calms down to think clearly. But after our last phone call I donít even know if thatís going to happen.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why can't you move back home? It's not to late to correct your mistake of moving there. It's not working out.

  3. #3
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    Moving back is not an option. I went through alot where I lived and the plan was to leave anyway. Now I donít even have the option to go anywhere else. Either stay here or go back (which will hurt me in alot of ways I canít really mention here)

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    If you buy a new TV and it breaks within a few months. Do you try fix it or return it?
    Why try fix something that was never ever going to work?

    You clearly overstayed your visa. That was a risk YOU took, not him.

    Go home, accept the ban for returning there and accept that the relationship is over.

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    I didnít overstay my visa. Iím still legal here and going through a case. I didnít do anything illegal of the sort. Thanks for your advice.

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    Originally Posted by Memome
    I didnít overstay my visa. Iím still legal here and going through a case. I didnít do anything illegal of the sort. Thanks for your advice.
    Well then I fail so see how you gave up a lot for him?
    What did you give up?

  8. #7
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    I live abroad too, OP. I understand the visa process to relocate can be harrowing.

    It is going to be better that he is not involved, as it is clear now that he wasn't really ever fully in it with you. It would also be unwise to marry - even on paper - since it puts you (and him) at great risk of later being in trouble with authorities for marriage fraud. If the visa process is strict in his country, you can be sure they are on the lookout for couples who marry just for the sake of obtaining legal residency. Add to that the fact that he didn't even really appear to want to marry, and it's not the way to go. What did he do to humiliate you on this night out?

    I don't think you can count on him changing his mind or offering his support from here on out. He seems well and truly checked out.

    Are there are other countries which you could consider relocating to? Would you able to make it on your own where you currently are? If marriage is truly the only option you'd have, you need to start developing a Plan B before the visa expires, one that likely involves settling somewhere else altogether.

  9. #8
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    Itís a long story that I canít really tell all here but during that time I was supposed to be moving to another country where I had things figured out. He started pushing me to move to his. Saying he travelled alot to be with me and that it would work. I gave up on a future in another country for him and for this difficult process. I gave up on seeing my family for years. I gave up on having my friends around me. On occasions i used to run to him when I knew he was dealing with things and to drop everything. I told him the case wonít work here and he heard it from my lawyer. I gave up on having a job and a stable life because he wanted me to move and was pressuring me to even though i said i canít and asked if he could move instead. At that time I trusted him so much and that everything would be alright. It was fine for a long period and he was going to go through with the only option that would have fixed everything. I even gave up on figuring things out sooner because he wanted to go through with marriage. I gave time and effort and tbh i felt like nothing could break us. In the end i did everything he asked and ended up being in this awful situation. You could say it was my choice too and I do know that. But when I wanted to go and do things my way he would run to me and tell me that he wants us to work and to do things together. So for him I gave up that too.

  10. #9
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    Iím trying my best to get sponsored here now but itís a difficult process too. Itís a very traumatic situation Iím in now but Iím still hanging in there. As for the marriage it was going to be real minus the wedding since we didnít have money for that and actually instead started searching for apartments so we can save and buy in the near future when I start working. So you can say it wasnít really fraud, just rushed. We both believed why it had to be like that at time but I guess things changed.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Memome
    Itís a long story that I canít really tell all here but during that time I was supposed to be moving to another country where I had things figured out. He started pushing me to move to his. Saying he travelled alot to be with me and that it would work. I gave up on a future in another country for him and for this difficult process. I gave up on seeing my family for years. I gave up on having my friends around me. On occasions i used to run to him when I knew he was dealing with things and to drop everything. I told him the case wonít work here and he heard it from my lawyer. I gave up on having a job and a stable life because he wanted me to move and was pressuring me to even though i said i canít and asked if he could move instead. At that time I trusted him so much and that everything would be alright. It was fine for a long period and he was going to go through with the only option that would have fixed everything. I even gave up on figuring things out sooner because he wanted to go through with marriage. I gave time and effort and tbh i felt like nothing could break us. In the end i did everything he asked and ended up being in this awful situation. You could say it was my choice too and I do know that. But when I wanted to go and do things my way he would run to me and tell me that he wants us to work and to do things together. So for him I gave up that too.
    You are being over the top dramatic.
    You say you gave up on seeing your family for years for him. Yet you are with him less that two years and ?only about a year if even that since you left family. And you said you had plans to move country anyway !?
    So, no. You didnít give up seeing family for him.

    If your visa is valid , then why do do need to get married?? To stay there? Why stay there and/or get married if your relationship isnít working out? Iím glad he has the sense not to fix something thatís simply beyond repair.
    Itís irrelevant what he promised when he barely knew you and vice versa.
    You moved the honeymoon phase to his country. Your choice. Your risk. It didnít pay off.
    Donít blame him for sacrifices you made that had ultimately nothing to do with him.

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