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Thread: I gave up alot for him

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Memome
    Iím trying my best to get sponsored here now but itís a difficult process too. Itís a very traumatic situation Iím in now but Iím still hanging in there. As for the marriage it was going to be real minus the wedding since we didnít have money for that and actually instead started searching for apartments so we can save and buy in the near future when I start working. So you can say it wasnít really fraud, just rushed. We both believed why it had to be like that at time but I guess things changed.
    The marriage was never going to be real. The proof of that is that he isnít getting married to you.
    You are NOT in a traumatic situation.
    You can simply just go live in the country you originally planned on.
    The only thing fraudulent about your marriage would not have been in the legal sense.

  2. #12
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    The fact you can read a post and assume so much about a person thatís telling you they canít write everything here. Instead of try to make someone feel better if they are coming for advice and maybe to let out their anger and frustration is beyond sick. Weíve been together for 2 years but visa process would have taken longer. You need to actually maybe be a bit more sympathetic because you donít know half of it. Weíve been together for more than a honeymoon phase when he agreed and even then I told him to leave if he doesnít want to. Weíve already been through alot together before then. Iím so shocked by your responses that the only thing I want to do is delete all of this. Iím in a very difficult situation because i was sexually abused in the country I was living in. Iím also a refugee. Now are you happy to know a bit more or are you just going to continue being this nasty?

  3. #13
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    Also, I HAD the option to move to another country before I moved here. When I came here and because it took so long to come to a decision about whether he wanted to stay or leave. NOW i canít.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Memome
    Also, I HAD the option to move to another country before I moved here. When I came here and because it took so long to come to a decision about whether he wanted to stay or leave. NOW i canít.
    So what are your options at this point? I mean that sincerely. Are you able to try to find work on the visa you currently hold? I am guessing not, or I imagine you'd have gone that route already. You mention you are a refugee, so are you able to apply for asylum where you are now?

    I'm just trying to work out where the only real alternative is being sent back to your country of origin, or wherever you had legal residency prior to this.

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  6. #15
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    My last option is try to be sponsored here. See if I can find a company that can give me work visa.

    The country I was in originally I run the risk of being trafficked. I was alone there and some powerful men started taking advantage of me.

    I did apply for asylum but the country I used to live in is relatively safe in the eyes of the law. Even though I have proof of being abused my lawyer says itís not going anywhere because they would only follow the laws they have.

    To relocate means I have to run somewhere and go illegally. Even then i run the risk of being returned.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Memome
    The fact you can read a post and assume so much about a person thatís telling you they canít write everything here. Instead of try to make someone feel better if they are coming for advice and maybe to let out their anger and frustration is beyond sick. Weíve been together for 2 years but visa process would have taken longer. You need to actually maybe be a bit more sympathetic because you donít know half of it. Weíve been together for more than a honeymoon phase when he agreed and even then I told him to leave if he doesnít want to. Weíve already been through alot together before then. Iím so shocked by your responses that the only thing I want to do is delete all of this. Iím in a very difficult situation because i was sexually abused in the country I was living in. Iím also a refugee. Now are you happy to know a bit more or are you just going to continue being this nasty?
    I didnít assume anything beyond the details you provided.
    Which is that you freely left your family to live in another county. That was your intent and after meeting this guy , you chose to go to his country instead. The relationship didnít work out as you both had hoped on getting to know each other beyond the honeymoon phase.

    That is what I responded to!

    I am not here to make you feel better or to be sympathetic. I am here to give you realistic advice.
    You surround yourself with friends for sympathy and good feel factor.

    I am sorry for you that you were the recipient of abuse in a country you sought refuge in.
    You chose to leave that country , but you canít run away from that. Sorry.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Memome
    My last option is try to be sponsored here. See if I can find a company that can give me work visa.
    It sounds like this is all you can really do, then.

    Have you been applying for jobs? Trying to connect with potential employers? And yes, I realize it's not so easy to find sponsorship through work. I myself have a work permit in my current country, but I don't think you have other options at this point.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Memome
    My last option is try to be sponsored here. See if I can find a company that can give me work visa.

    The country I was in originally I run the risk of being trafficked. I was alone there and some powerful men started taking advantage of me.

    I did apply for asylum but the country I used to live in is relatively safe in the eyes of the law. Even though I have proof of being abused my lawyer says itís not going anywhere because they would only follow the laws they have.

    To relocate means I have to run somewhere and go illegally. Even then i run the risk of being returned.
    That is your last option to stay in that country.
    I also had that in the country i live in.
    You can return to the country you got refuge at, legally. You know that!!
    Yet you created a post here about a failed relationship and didnít mention anything about legal status in any country.
    I had to go through an expensive process to live where I do now, I gained a visa through employment not a fake marriage.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    With all due respect, I'm not seeing where getting upset at the OP is helpful. Maybe we can focus more on the reason she posted which was about dealing with her emotions and pain in the break down of her relationship.

    I'm sorry, Memome. This is a difficult and traumatic situation regarding your original country and your issues here. I hope you continue to find peace and strength in your quiet times.

    I think the greatest concern should be for yourself and taking care of you going forwards. For reasons out of your control at this point, your boyfriend is not in the picture. The longer you stay emotionally transfixed or paralyzed in pain, the longer it means time is ticking you by and that's time that you can use to look at different ways to stay in this country. Some casual work can lead to sponsorship. My husband's business sponsored quite a few individuals over the years. You should speak to your lawyer about options and go for job interviews.

    I'm going to respond mostly regarding your relationship and your emotional state at the moment and leave the legal advice of your situation to your lawyer.

    Give yourself time to breathe. Start developing ideas and thoughts that are more healthy to your independence or your future independent of any other individual. It doesn't matter whether it's for a man or woman or someone else. You did give up a lot and I think you're already remorseful and feeling very upset and guilty about that. You feel enough of it inside you and don't need anyone else to make you feel badly about it. What you do have to do going forward is gather yourself and pick yourself up. Start thinking a bit more for yourself and acknowledging that we (none of us can) control others. We can't control a bad break up or the emotions of anyone else (your boyfriend included). He exists independently of you and him in a relationship just as you should be able to exist on your own. Your emotional and mental state should be whole and independent of any relationship in your life. I know you're down now but don't stay down forever. Keep working and thinking towards a better future. Think about how far you've come from your original country and start making plans to stay. You've made decisions to be with someone else but now start making decisions for yourself.

    I think what a lot of individuals don't quite understand (I know I didn't when I was younger) was that when we make decisions for our future, they have to move in tandem appeasing and ticking off individual boxes and those of our partner's (the relationship as a whole). This is what it means to be compatible and recognizing when a relationship is compatible. When this falls out of balance, emotionally and mentally things start to go downhill. Start balancing your best interests going forward. I'm not saying you didn't earlier but there were red flags and warning signs. I'm reading from your posts that you did feel pinches in your gut and you did have initial instincts (strong instincts) that moving to his country was very difficult. In future, keep your best interests forwards especially in such difficult situations. It's not impossible. You made a mistake and you've owned up to it. Start figuring things out and put aside those feelings of guilt and remorse. Don't be paralyzed in fear and pain. Keep balancing your life the way you always have but this time with renewed interests in your own future. One day you might be balancing the best interests of others too: your children, your family, your employees, your business/work. Keep on going and don't lose heart.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 06-08-2019 at 11:42 AM.

  11. #20
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    Thatís lovely Rose but itís not what the OP created a thread about.
    She does have the option to go elsewhere , where her family are (not her original country of origin granted) but she feels like this guy owes her and she is essentially staying for that reason and blaming him for her choice to go there over somewhere else.

    The OP does need to accept responsibility for her actions regardless of promises made by another (within the honeymoon phase)

    Did she really give up much for him?
    No. She was moving country freely regardless. And the current struggle she faces to stay there has nothing to do with him.

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