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My family is still friends with my cheating ex and my fiancé is fed up


Shabs200

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I have an ex boyfriend who I was with for 4 years and during that time he was friends with my brother in law off and on. After we broke up he made a point of getting even closer with him. I've been in a new relationship for 3 years and it's been about 4 since we split.

It wouldn't bother me if this ex was a nice person but during our relationship I was treated terribly and cheated on multiple times. I've completely blocked him out but he still gets invited to events, so often I don't go to things my sister and her husband are holding because he's there.

My fiancé can't stand him because of what he did and gets really upset/angry when he turns up to things.

He's now told me I have to do something about it or he's leaving, however is it right of me to want my brother in law to give up an 8 year friendship? I've spoken to my sister about it numerous times but I don't think she realises how much it upsets him.

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I'm sorry, I don't understand this.

 

Your fiance is so upset about how you were treated that he is going to treat you terribly also by putting you in an impossible position on fear of abandonment. What?!

 

I think your fiance just wants out of the relationship tbh. You can't dictate to other people who they can be friends with and he must know that it's unreasonable to expect you to do so.

 

There is more going on here than what you have mentioned. If you don't want to see your ex don't go when he's invited. Also stop whining to your fiance about your ex and how miserable it makes you to see him. You're just aggravating the situation. It's in the past, be happy, organise your own events where you get to choose who will be there.

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What?!? You can't force people to not be friends.

 

You're not friends with the ex, you try to not be around him and you can't control if he's friends with your brother in law.

 

Your current boyfriend is being incredibly unreasonable and I am wondering if he's doing this to find an easy way out.

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I should add some clarification to this.

He's not trying to find a way out, he proposed to me last week. I don't complain about my ex, I've given the story of what happened between us but I can handle my emotions and it doesn't upset me to be around him. It's my fiancé that is upset by him because my ex is a really creepy and horrible person and actively aggrivates the situation for kicks.

I agree that I can't force people to abandon friendships, I am just fed up of not being able to spend time with my family with my fiancé because he'll be there. A few times we just simply haven't been invited to things because he's been invited and he gets invited to everything. I feel completely powerless.

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When it comes to certain things, unfortunately, we are powerless. This being one of them.

 

It's your brother in law that keeps bringing this jerk around. If you've told your sister and made it known and nothing has changed, then there is nothing more you can do about it.

 

It's not nice and it's incredibly aggravating but you can't force adults to not be friends if they choose to be.

 

To be honest, it's a shame your brother in law and sister don't understand and don't try to consider your feelings more. But what can I say? Even family can be jerks.

 

Best you can do is try to be happy with your fiancee and ignore them. You're making a life with him after all, and not your family.

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Tell your bf to chill. Unfortunately you can't dictate to anyone who is friends with whom and who they invite. Simple continue to avoid him if you must or learn indifference.

 

Is your current bf usually this jealous and hostile? He sounds controlling and possessive and like he is starting to isolate you. Huge red flags. Hopefully you haven't jumped from one abusive situation to another. The current bf sounds as bad as if not worse than the exbf.

My fiancé can't stand him because of what he did and gets really upset/angry when he turns up to things.

He's now told me I have to do something about it or he's leaving

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Is your current bf usually this jealous and hostile? He sounds controlling and possessive and like he is starting to isolate you. Huge red flags. Hopefully you haven't jumped from one abusive situation to another. The current bf sounds as bad as if not worse than the exbf.

 

No, he's not controlling at all. It's not that he's upset about me seeing him, he's upset that he has to be around him. This has all come about after he went out without me and saw him spending time with my family, then witnessed ex falsely accusing me of leaving him for my fiance (6 month gap of us splitting up and me meeting my fiance)

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I should add some clarification to this.

He's not trying to find a way out, he proposed to me last week. I don't complain about my ex, I've given the story of what happened between us but I can handle my emotions and it doesn't upset me to be around him. It's my fiancé that is upset by him because my ex is a really creepy and horrible person and actively aggrivates the situation for kicks.

I agree that I can't force people to abandon friendships, I am just fed up of not being able to spend time with my family with my fiancé because he'll be there. A few times we just simply haven't been invited to things because he's been invited and he gets invited to everything. I feel completely powerless.

 

This really just confirms my initial suspicions that your fiance is being unreasonable. You are OK to attend the events with your ex there but your fiance is not and that is why you don't go?

 

Honestly these are bad bad signs. Your fiance is manipulative and controlling. You see now he thinks it's perfectly reasonable to resort to aggression and manipulation to control the relationships other people have. It's none of his business who your BIL hangs out with and invites to his home. He doesn't have to go, if you want to spend time with them feel free, if you want to spend time with your family and your fiance together then organise your own events where you get to pick who to Invite.

 

What exactly does your fiance think is going to happen? You tell your BIL to stop associating with your ex because your ex isn't mature enough to tolerate his presence? Your BIL then turns round and says oh sure, you're right, I won't invite him anymore. No that's not going to happen. You're going to get some strange looks and potentially told to stick your suggestion where the sun doesn't shine.

 

So you come home, tell your fiance that you can't do anything about it. So he packs his things, tells you he's leaving? You beg him to stay, you're sorry, you don't have to go around there anymore if it makes him feel better. So he stays knowing he can isolate you bit by bit until you have no support network and he can control your every move.

 

Sorry if that sounds dramatic but I really can't draw any other conclusion from the scenario you described. Your ex isn't the problem, your BIL isn't the problem, nor is the sister. Your fiance is the problem.

 

Do you work? See friends? Play sports? Does your fiance usually insist he accompany to see friends and family? Do you live together?

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This really just confirms my initial suspicions that your fiance is being unreasonable. You are OK to attend the events with your ex there but your fiance is not and that is why you don't go?

 

She already said NO. This ex was bad to her and cheated on her....would you want to go to a family function with this jerk hanging around?

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Genie, I get it...it does make things crap. This ex is a disgrace and he made your life hell and now he is continuing to show his ugly mug up in your life by being at family functions.

 

You don't want him there, your current boyfriend is disgusted at seeing him there...you're both angry that you have to miss out on family time due to this idiot.

 

Totally understandable.

 

The only thing I can tell you is though, until the brother in law becomes more understanding or the ex gets a clue and goes away, there isn't much you can do.

 

It's crap and its aggravating, and I do sincerely feel for you both. But there isn't much you can do when it's in the hands of other people and they won't listen.

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She already said NO. This ex was bad to her and cheated on her....would you want to go to a family function with this jerk hanging around?

 

In her second post OP stated she doesn't get upset being around the ex, it's her fiance that gets upset and that she is fed up with not being able to spend time with her family with her fiancé due to the ex being there. I interpret that as she would go if it wasn't for the fiance making a meal out of it.

 

I agree the sister and BIL are not being very sensitive about it but I would like to think after 4 years, 3 of them in a relationship with someone else who just proposed to me, I would be too busy being happy to care if the ex was there.

 

Fiance proposed a week ago but now he's threatening to end it over something the OP has no say in? Makes no sense whatsoever. The ex presumably has been invited to events for the whole 3 years of their relationship so why try end it all of a sudden if it's a long standing irritation?

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Then why the ultimatums and attempts to isolate you from family? Serious red flags. Stop and think. Why is it all about this current bf's feelings?

No, he's not controlling at all. It's not that he's upset about me seeing him, he's upset that he has to be around him.
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He has taken back the threat to leave, it was something he said in the heat of an argument and now says he is just upset.

He loves my family, his aren't the best so he loves having a family around that actually gets on unlike his. It's just been three years of putting up with this constant negative presence and he's desperate to bond with them but this guy is always getting in the way. I'm a really calm person but it doesn't mean I don't hate being around my ex, I can just deal with it better.

My fiance doesn't insist on coming with me to things, we live together and I invite him because he's my friend as well as my fiance. I do plenty of things without him if he's doing something else.

I think this is indeed going to have to be the case of him learning indifference as I have managed to. He wants to take him aside and speak to him next time we see him to see if any good will come from it.

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The mere fact that you have not been invited to gatherings when your ex has , suggests the issue does not lie with your ex but your current partner.

 

My family think he's great, my ex is just closer with my BIL than he is. Of course I feel incredibly bitter about not being invited being the actual relative, but I assume it's a case of ex and BIL arrange something, sister goes along and assumes I won't want to go. My sister much prefers my fiance to my ex.

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He has taken back the threat to leave, it was something he said in the heat of an argument and now says he is just upset.

He loves my family, his aren't the best so he loves having a family around that actually gets on unlike his. It's just been three years of putting up with this constant negative presence and he's desperate to bond with them but this guy is always getting in the way. I'm a really calm person but it doesn't mean I don't hate being around my ex, I can just deal with it better.

My fiance doesn't insist on coming with me to things, we live together and I invite him because he's my friend as well as my fiance. I do plenty of things without him if he's doing something else.

I think this is indeed going to have to be the case of him learning indifference as I have managed to. He wants to take him aside and speak to him next time we see him to see if any good will come from it.

 

OK that makes far more sense but the bottom line is that your fiance is exhibiting some not very pleasant behaviours around this ex and I agree with Billie that might factor in with why you're no longer being invited.

 

Your family are your family, not your fiances surrogate for the family life he wasn't dealt. He has no right to get jealous that your ex has a better bond with your family than he does. The irony being that his controlling and jealous attitude to this scenario will only push your family away from him and your ex closer.

 

I really don't think any good will come out of your fiance talking to your ex, especially if he already winds up your fiance. He will just become insufferable and make more of an effort to get under his skin. If he just speaks to the ex like any other person he vaguely knows the problem will be solved.

 

The best solution I think would be for your fiance to be mature and focus on enjoying the events. Making a scene with the ex is not going to endear your family to him.

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Up until now we've taken the approach of ignoring him, but that doesn't seem to work. Last time I saw him, he walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my neck to hug me, and wouldn't let go.

 

You keep adding details that would have been helpful in creating more context the first time you posted, OP.

 

What was your reaction to your ex on this occasion?

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Up until now we've taken the approach of ignoring him, but that doesn't seem to work. Last time I saw him, he walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my neck to hug me, and wouldn't let go.

 

Don’t ignore him. Acknowledge him. He then won’t wrap his arm around your neck because you have already said hello.

And if he does wrap his arm around your neck , cough uncontrollably lol

Sorry, I think you are allowing this to get out of hand. He “wouldn’t let go” , he will if you ask him firmly to.

It sounds like you haven’t created appropriate boundaries ?

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Up until now we've taken the approach of ignoring him, but that doesn't seem to work. Last time I saw him, he walked up to me and wrapped his arms around my neck to hug me, and wouldn't let go.

 

Ewww! If he's that intent on stirring it, best to avoid.

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