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Thread: My family is still friends with my cheating ex and my fiancÚ is fed up

  1. #1
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    My family is still friends with my cheating ex and my fiancÚ is fed up

    I have an ex boyfriend who I was with for 4 years and during that time he was friends with my brother in law off and on. After we broke up he made a point of getting even closer with him. I've been in a new relationship for 3 years and it's been about 4 since we split.
    It wouldn't bother me if this ex was a nice person but during our relationship I was treated terribly and cheated on multiple times. I've completely blocked him out but he still gets invited to events, so often I don't go to things my sister and her husband are holding because he's there.
    My fiancÚ can't stand him because of what he did and gets really upset/angry when he turns up to things.
    He's now told me I have to do something about it or he's leaving, however is it right of me to want my brother in law to give up an 8 year friendship? I've spoken to my sister about it numerous times but I don't think she realises how much it upsets him.

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    I'm sorry, I don't understand this.

    Your fiance is so upset about how you were treated that he is going to treat you terribly also by putting you in an impossible position on fear of abandonment. What?!

    I think your fiance just wants out of the relationship tbh. You can't dictate to other people who they can be friends with and he must know that it's unreasonable to expect you to do so.

    There is more going on here than what you have mentioned. If you don't want to see your ex don't go when he's invited. Also stop whining to your fiance about your ex and how miserable it makes you to see him. You're just aggravating the situation. It's in the past, be happy, organise your own events where you get to choose who will be there.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    What?!? You can't force people to not be friends.

    You're not friends with the ex, you try to not be around him and you can't control if he's friends with your brother in law.

    Your current boyfriend is being incredibly unreasonable and I am wondering if he's doing this to find an easy way out.

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    I should add some clarification to this.
    He's not trying to find a way out, he proposed to me last week. I don't complain about my ex, I've given the story of what happened between us but I can handle my emotions and it doesn't upset me to be around him. It's my fiancÚ that is upset by him because my ex is a really creepy and horrible person and actively aggrivates the situation for kicks.
    I agree that I can't force people to abandon friendships, I am just fed up of not being able to spend time with my family with my fiancÚ because he'll be there. A few times we just simply haven't been invited to things because he's been invited and he gets invited to everything. I feel completely powerless.
    Last edited by Genie123; 06-08-2019 at 06:26 AM.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    When it comes to certain things, unfortunately, we are powerless. This being one of them.

    It's your brother in law that keeps bringing this jerk around. If you've told your sister and made it known and nothing has changed, then there is nothing more you can do about it.

    It's not nice and it's incredibly aggravating but you can't force adults to not be friends if they choose to be.

    To be honest, it's a shame your brother in law and sister don't understand and don't try to consider your feelings more. But what can I say? Even family can be jerks.

    Best you can do is try to be happy with your fiancee and ignore them. You're making a life with him after all, and not your family.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Tell your bf to chill. Unfortunately you can't dictate to anyone who is friends with whom and who they invite. Simple continue to avoid him if you must or learn indifference.

    Is your current bf usually this jealous and hostile? He sounds controlling and possessive and like he is starting to isolate you. Huge red flags. Hopefully you haven't jumped from one abusive situation to another. The current bf sounds as bad as if not worse than the exbf.
    Originally Posted by Genie123
    My fiancÚ can't stand him because of what he did and gets really upset/angry when he turns up to things.
    He's now told me I have to do something about it or he's leaving

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Is your current bf usually this jealous and hostile? He sounds controlling and possessive and like he is starting to isolate you. Huge red flags. Hopefully you haven't jumped from one abusive situation to another. The current bf sounds as bad as if not worse than the exbf.
    No, he's not controlling at all. It's not that he's upset about me seeing him, he's upset that he has to be around him. This has all come about after he went out without me and saw him spending time with my family, then witnessed ex falsely accusing me of leaving him for my fiance (6 month gap of us splitting up and me meeting my fiance)

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    Originally Posted by Genie123
    I should add some clarification to this.
    He's not trying to find a way out, he proposed to me last week. I don't complain about my ex, I've given the story of what happened between us but I can handle my emotions and it doesn't upset me to be around him. It's my fiancÚ that is upset by him because my ex is a really creepy and horrible person and actively aggrivates the situation for kicks.
    I agree that I can't force people to abandon friendships, I am just fed up of not being able to spend time with my family with my fiancÚ because he'll be there. A few times we just simply haven't been invited to things because he's been invited and he gets invited to everything. I feel completely powerless.
    This really just confirms my initial suspicions that your fiance is being unreasonable. You are OK to attend the events with your ex there but your fiance is not and that is why you don't go?

    Honestly these are bad bad signs. Your fiance is manipulative and controlling. You see now he thinks it's perfectly reasonable to resort to aggression and manipulation to control the relationships other people have. It's none of his business who your BIL hangs out with and invites to his home. He doesn't have to go, if you want to spend time with them feel free, if you want to spend time with your family and your fiance together then organise your own events where you get to pick who to Invite.

    What exactly does your fiance think is going to happen? You tell your BIL to stop associating with your ex because your ex isn't mature enough to tolerate his presence? Your BIL then turns round and says oh sure, you're right, I won't invite him anymore. No that's not going to happen. You're going to get some strange looks and potentially told to stick your suggestion where the sun doesn't shine.

    So you come home, tell your fiance that you can't do anything about it. So he packs his things, tells you he's leaving? You beg him to stay, you're sorry, you don't have to go around there anymore if it makes him feel better. So he stays knowing he can isolate you bit by bit until you have no support network and he can control your every move.

    Sorry if that sounds dramatic but I really can't draw any other conclusion from the scenario you described. Your ex isn't the problem, your BIL isn't the problem, nor is the sister. Your fiance is the problem.

    Do you work? See friends? Play sports? Does your fiance usually insist he accompany to see friends and family? Do you live together?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    This really just confirms my initial suspicions that your fiance is being unreasonable. You are OK to attend the events with your ex there but your fiance is not and that is why you don't go?
    She already said NO. This ex was bad to her and cheated on her....would you want to go to a family function with this jerk hanging around?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Genie, I get it...it does make things crap. This ex is a disgrace and he made your life hell and now he is continuing to show his ugly mug up in your life by being at family functions.

    You don't want him there, your current boyfriend is disgusted at seeing him there...you're both angry that you have to miss out on family time due to this idiot.

    Totally understandable.

    The only thing I can tell you is though, until the brother in law becomes more understanding or the ex gets a clue and goes away, there isn't much you can do.

    It's crap and its aggravating, and I do sincerely feel for you both. But there isn't much you can do when it's in the hands of other people and they won't listen.

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