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Thread: How to deal with this

  1. #71
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's easy to hang out, if you allow it. Why not focus on what you want?
    Originally Posted by floralprints
    He still wants to hang out...why?

  2. #72
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    We do not know what he's thinking or why he does what he does!

    Why do YOU want to continue to hang out with someone who just told you he doesn't want anything serious?
    Because I like him.
    Also the times he treated me well was wonderful, I want that. I want to be treated that way and I canít find it in another guy..

  3. #73
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by floralprints
    If I was not insecure and high maintenance, would things have been different?
    The main issue is that he is not over the ex?
    Or if he met someone perfect and nice six months after his break up, he would have been able to move on and commit regardless?
    We're not crystal ball readers. It's up to each of us to look out for ourselves, which means having some private rules about who we're willing to date. If we're willing to involve ourselves with someone who hasn't taken the time to stabilize as a single after a breakup, then we are positioning ourselves as someone's potential rebound.

    Everyone who's rebounding from a breakup believes that they are ready to start dating again--that doesn't make it true. It could take weeks, months or even a year into a new relationship when it occurs to them that NOW they are healed and whole, but they really should have taken more time to be single. So the new partner gets the speech about what a terrific person they are, but now, "I need to be on my own to find myself."

    It also makes no sense to start dating anyone without first establishing WHY you are dating. If you're relationship material, and you're dating to find the right partner for a commitment, put that on the table at first meet, and ask whether this person views themselves the same way. If the answer is, "I don't know," or "Let's just see where things go," it makes no sense to latch on in the hope of converting him into commitment material. Instead, you can say, "I really like you, and I can picture the two of us dating in the future. That's why I'm walking away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever find yourself interested in dating to pursue a committed relationship, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up, and we can date to learn whether we'd make good partners for one another. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

    You can say the same thing to this guy today instead of hovering around in fear. This can preserve any future potential for the two of you to meet on higher ground someday, after the guy is over his ex and done effing around. If that never happens, then you'll have your pride in tact and will already be well on your way to finding the right partner for yourself.

    Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as though you have the maturity or the composure to do this. You're spinning in a desperate hover 'around' this guy no matter what he says or does. That's not likely to end well, but it's also not the end of the world. Some of us can't learn through advice, we need to make our own mistakes in order to learn from them. Some of us don't even learn through experience.

    Good luck, and head high.

  4. #74
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder

    Instead, you can say, "I really like you, and I can picture the two of us dating in the future. That's why I'm walking away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever find yourself interested in dating to pursue a committed relationship, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up, and we can date to learn whether we'd make good partners for one another. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

    You can say the same thing to this guy today instead of hovering around in fear. This can preserve any future potential for the two of you to meet on higher ground someday, after the guy is over his ex and done effing around. If that never happens, then you'll have your pride in tact and will already be well on your way to finding the right partner for yourself.
    If I say the above, I should then cut contact and move on, instead of continuing to hang out with him, correct?

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  6. #75
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by floralprints
    If I say the above, I should then cut contact and move on, instead of continuing to hang out with him, correct?
    Correct...

    Floral, whatís in your head right now?

  7. #76
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by floralprints
    If I say the above, I should then cut contact and move on, instead of continuing to hang out with him, correct?
    Correct. He knows how to reach you, and you can ask him not to do so unless he finishes his old business and feels ready to explore a committed relationship with you.

    There are no guarantees, but you'll exit the hell you're suffering now. When in hell, don't stop--move forward until you reach higher ground. If the guy is interested in meeting you there someday, he will do so of his own accord. If not, you've freed yourself to find someone who can give you what you want. Hold out for that, and you will thank yourself later.

  8. #77
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    Originally Posted by floralprints
    Because I like him.
    Also the times he treated me well was wonderful, I want that. I want to be treated that way and I canít find it in another guy..
    There are other fish in the sea. It's a cliche because it is so true. A guy who treats you the way this one did is not unique, and I guarantee there are others who will both TREAT you the way you deserve to be treated, and be emotionally open to feeling the same way about you that you feel about them. It's also very easy for guys to treat a girl like a princess in the early stages and then stop putting in the effort afterward. Don't date someone out of fear that you won't find someone else who will treat you great. It's a natural emotional reaction to have, but it's not really true. There's not one person in the world who is your soul mate. There are compatible people and incompatible people, and a good relationship is when two compatible people put in the effort to go on the journey together. Finding out who is compatible can be a challenge for sure.

    You can keep exploring this, but consider dating him as he is rather than as you want him to be. You may find that you have less anxiousness about it and still enjoy what he can give you; or you may find that who he is right now is not enough for you.

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