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Thread: Devastated after 6 year relationship ending - ex is already dating

  1. #1
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    Devastated after 6 year relationship ending - ex is already dating

    I've only been in a few relationships, but I tend to feel things very deeply and have always been sensitive/emotional. My recent break up has completely wrecked me. My ex and I dated around six years, but broke up at three times in between. I have never quite understood the power he has over me and why I am so drawn to him, although he is very self assured and driven and doesn't overthink like me. I suspect my daddy issues and his qualities that I don't have might be partially why I feel addicted to him like a drug. I know I love him, but there is also something else going on because I have never been incredibly happy with him. I like to communicate and talk things out and he was never willing to really do so with me and wouldn't go to therapy, so I struggled with feeling very alone in the relationship. He also tended to ignore my feelings and dismiss me and I felt very neglected emotionally, though the sexual chemistry was very strong and we went on some great trips. The last time we got back together we decided to try to have kids - we had always wanted kids, but this time it was just more of a clear goal as I was 37 and he was 44. I moved back in with him and bought a car to be in the suburbs with him and we started trying to have kids. After about five months, he told me that he changed his mind about having kids because he feels he's getting too old (almost 45). I was crushed as I moved back in thinking that he was committed to having kids and our relationship has been very exhausting in the past with us breaking up multiple times. He said that he was incredibly sad as well about changing his mind as he always wanted kids, but that he couldn't help feeling his time had passed for having kids. I ended up moving out again a month ago and it was a horrible experience with me crying while I was packing and him telling me that he wants me to be happy and that if I stayed I would just be resentful. I mentioned adoption, but then he said that we would have to be married for that and he was never too keen on marriage. It's been a month since I moved out and I am still completely heartbroken and can't even think about dating other guys. We agreed to remain friends so keep in touch (he told me that he is not an easy person to get along with and that he has never had an amicable breakup and that he loves me and wants us to at least remain friends). I recently found out that he started dating weeks after I left. I am completely crushed by this and can't get it out of my mind. I don't understand how he can date and move on so quickly when I can barely get through the day. I'm hurting so badly and am repulsed by the thought of myself dating so soon and don't intend to because it would not be the right move for me. He said I am very dear to him and always will be in that he will always love me. I just cannot comprehend how he can date so soon after we ended and have a lump in my throat the entire day just thinking about it. I don't know what to do to get over the hurt - I'm trying to keep myself busy and it's just so incredibly painful. I just don't understand why he has this hold over me and why I feel like I would do anything and sacrifice all of my needs just to be with him. It's this sick twisted thing. I am seeing a therapist and working through it, but I am just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar and has any advice.

  2. #2
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    Iím sorry you are going through the hurt. Six years is a long time to be with someone. Itís good you arenít dating and taking care of you.
    As for him dating I wouldnít put much thought into it heís rebounding.

    I also would disconnect from him if you want to move forward. Going no contact will help make things easier!

    I was in a 11 year relationship once four years ago. I stayed with him the last three years of our relationship. I too understand what itís like to feel like they have a hold on you. The last three years of my relationship he changed and was a jerk. I put up with a lot!

    I destroyed every photo and every memento of him afterwards. I felt better after.

    You got this!

    It takes time.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You are going through a grieving process. At first I was hurt that someone could cope and recover so quickly. After thinking about it for a while, I decided to become more self confident. I decided the person who moved on so quickly did me a huge favor. Always look at the silver lining and blessing in disguise.

    They're not worth it. It's not politically correct to say this but often times you need to tell yourself you're better than the person who left you. This new mindset makes you feel stronger and tougher. You don't take crap from anyone in the future anymore. Either you're treated as if your feelings matter and with utmost respect or it becomes easier to reject people who don't make the cut in your life. The majority of people on this Earth are rejects.

    You become strong by changing the way you think. You go from weak to tough. This is how you overcome. You find courage and strength from deep within your bones. Once this overtakes you, there is no room for weakness and defeat anymore.

    Over time, you'll build high self esteem, self worth and self confidence. Accept that some relationships were not meant to be. We want healthy control in our lives and when life and people are incompatible, once you accept these facts, it's easier to accept what wasn't in the cards for you and start fresh with your own life.

    Being with a person who isn't reliable only does a great disservice to yourself. You deserve to be treated with dignity. It's better to be alone than feeling lonely with the wrong man.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Well one thing you have to realize is sometimes when people break up with us, theyíve already started the mourning process long before cutting the cord so while it may seem fast, he may very well have already began the disconnect and process of moving on months and months ago, it could also be that she was around before you broke up and this is what prompted the breakup, no matter the reason you do have facts which are, he broke up with you. Those are the facts. Incredibly hurtful and painful, but with the help of therapy you will make it through. Attempting to truly know whatís in his head though? Impossible. It hurts, absolutely , this is why NC post breakup is best so you donít find things like this out.

    Iím aorry, youíre going to be ok start NC now, focus on you and your wellbeing, you will be ok, one day at a time.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist. Step one: cut all contact. You don't want him to be your friend, and it's unhealthy for you to know anything about his life at this moment in time. By the way, cutting contact includes all social media connections, and I highly advise you do not give him an explanation for deleting/blocking him.

    Step two: make sure you are getting out of the house every day for even a short period of time and engaging in one enjoyable activity (or something you typically enjoyed before dealing with this loss). Wallowing at home and obsessing about him is going to be your enemy right now. Yes, you are going to think about it, and I encourage you not to block your emotional experience entirely, but do not make your life about your grief.

    Step three: surround yourself with anyone who you find supportive. Whether it's friends, family, or a beloved pet, seek positivity! Don't feel rushed to date, because he is. Dating quickly after a breakup is always a band-aid for pain, unless the person was cheating. It won't feel good and you'll likely hurt unsuspecting individuals in the process.

    Step four: remind yourself as often as necessary that he was never going to give you what you wanted. The two of you were fundamentally incompatible and desired totally different futures. That is okay. Neither of you are "wrong" for wanting different things (though it was a a$$hole move on his part to lead you on the way he did). You know he can't make you happy intellectually. You just need to give your heart some time to catch up.

    Finally, step five: be compassionate towards yourself. You are enough, you deserve love and happiness, and you also deserve to have the relationship that you want. Even if you don't believe it, say affirmations to yourself every day.

    Good luck, and I wish you a minimally painful and speedy recovery!

  7. #6
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    ď I have never quite understood the power he has over me and why I am so drawn to him, although he is very self assured and driven and doesn't overthink like me. I suspect my daddy issues and his qualities that I don't have might be partially why I feel addicted to him like a drug. I know I love him, but there is also something else going on because I have never been incredibly happy with him. I like to communicate and talk things out and he was never willing to really do so with me and wouldn't go to therapy, so I struggled with feeling very alone in the relationship. He also tended to ignore my feelings and dismiss me and I felt very neglected emotionally, though the sexual chemistry was very strong and we went on some great trips.Ē

    Wow, my relationship with my ex was to exactly like what you mentioned above. Insane.
    Anyway, I was also completely wrecked after my relationship ended after 3 years about a year and a half ago .
    All of the advice that everyone gave you above is great. Something that really helped me every time I thought about him and the relationship, was to tell myself that I just needed time and that one day I would not think about him anymore and would no longer feel pain in regard to that relationship.
    About 10 months later, I started to notice that I would think of that relationship less and would no longer feel pain anymore while thinking about the past.
    Please know this will happen. Itís going to take awhile but there will be a day that you will be free of the pain. Good luck to you!

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Npgirl09
    Wow, my relationship with my ex was to exactly like what you mentioned above. Insane.
    Anyway, I was also completely wrecked after my relationship ended after 3 years about a year and a half ago .
    All of the advice that everyone gave you above is great. Something that really helped me every time I thought about him and the relationship, was to tell myself that I just needed time and that one day I would not think about him anymore and would no longer feel pain in regard to that relationship.
    About 10 months later, I started to notice that I would think of that relationship less and would no longer feel pain anymore while thinking about the past.
    Please know this will happen. Itís going to take awhile but there will be a day that you will be free of the pain. Good luck to you!
    It's reassuring that someone else has been through something similar, though I wish you didn't have to go through that. I feel a bit crazy with what a disaster it's been and that I kept going back. It helps to know that you eventually got over it, because right now it feels as if I never will. Even if it takes me 10 months, it's knowing there's an end to the pain eventually. God, I don't know how married couples deal with divorces involving kids.

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    ,,....,......

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    ..,..,.,.....

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by SGH
    Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist. Step one: cut all contact. You don't want him to be your friend, and it's unhealthy for you to know anything about his life at this moment in time. By the way, cutting contact includes all social media connections, and I highly advise you do not give him an explanation for deleting/blocking him.

    Step two: make sure you are getting out of the house every day for even a short period of time and engaging in one enjoyable activity (or something you typically enjoyed before dealing with this loss). Wallowing at home and obsessing about him is going to be your enemy right now. Yes, you are going to think about it, and I encourage you not to block your emotional experience entirely, but do not make your life about your grief.

    Step three: surround yourself with anyone who you find supportive. Whether it's friends, family, or a beloved pet, seek positivity! Don't feel rushed to date, because he is. Dating quickly after a breakup is always a band-aid for pain, unless the person was cheating. It won't feel good and you'll likely hurt unsuspecting individuals in the process.

    Step four: remind yourself as often as necessary that he was never going to give you what you wanted. The two of you were fundamentally incompatible and desired totally different futures. That is okay. Neither of you are "wrong" for wanting different things (though it was a a$$hole move on his part to lead you on the way he did). You know he can't make you happy intellectually. You just need to give your heart some time to catch up.

    Finally, step five: be compassionate towards yourself. You are enough, you deserve love and happiness, and you also deserve to have the relationship that you want. Even if you don't believe it, say affirmations to yourself every day.

    Good luck, and I wish you a minimally painful and speedy recovery!
    Thank you so much for the feedback - this is very helpful.

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