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Devastated after 6 year relationship ending - ex is already dating


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I've only been in a few relationships, but I tend to feel things very deeply and have always been sensitive/emotional. My recent break up has completely wrecked me. My ex and I dated around six years, but broke up at three times in between. I have never quite understood the power he has over me and why I am so drawn to him, although he is very self assured and driven and doesn't overthink like me. I suspect my daddy issues and his qualities that I don't have might be partially why I feel addicted to him like a drug. I know I love him, but there is also something else going on because I have never been incredibly happy with him. I like to communicate and talk things out and he was never willing to really do so with me and wouldn't go to therapy, so I struggled with feeling very alone in the relationship. He also tended to ignore my feelings and dismiss me and I felt very neglected emotionally, though the sexual chemistry was very strong and we went on some great trips. The last time we got back together we decided to try to have kids - we had always wanted kids, but this time it was just more of a clear goal as I was 37 and he was 44. I moved back in with him and bought a car to be in the suburbs with him and we started trying to have kids. After about five months, he told me that he changed his mind about having kids because he feels he's getting too old (almost 45). I was crushed as I moved back in thinking that he was committed to having kids and our relationship has been very exhausting in the past with us breaking up multiple times. He said that he was incredibly sad as well about changing his mind as he always wanted kids, but that he couldn't help feeling his time had passed for having kids. I ended up moving out again a month ago and it was a horrible experience with me crying while I was packing and him telling me that he wants me to be happy and that if I stayed I would just be resentful. I mentioned adoption, but then he said that we would have to be married for that and he was never too keen on marriage. It's been a month since I moved out and I am still completely heartbroken and can't even think about dating other guys. We agreed to remain friends so keep in touch (he told me that he is not an easy person to get along with and that he has never had an amicable breakup and that he loves me and wants us to at least remain friends). I recently found out that he started dating weeks after I left. I am completely crushed by this and can't get it out of my mind. I don't understand how he can date and move on so quickly when I can barely get through the day. I'm hurting so badly and am repulsed by the thought of myself dating so soon and don't intend to because it would not be the right move for me. He said I am very dear to him and always will be in that he will always love me. I just cannot comprehend how he can date so soon after we ended and have a lump in my throat the entire day just thinking about it. I don't know what to do to get over the hurt - I'm trying to keep myself busy and it's just so incredibly painful. I just don't understand why he has this hold over me and why I feel like I would do anything and sacrifice all of my needs just to be with him. It's this sick twisted thing. I am seeing a therapist and working through it, but I am just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar and has any advice.

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I’m sorry you are going through the hurt. Six years is a long time to be with someone. It’s good you aren’t dating and taking care of you.

As for him dating I wouldn’t put much thought into it he’s rebounding.

 

I also would disconnect from him if you want to move forward. Going no contact will help make things easier!

 

I was in a 11 year relationship once four years ago. I stayed with him the last three years of our relationship. I too understand what it’s like to feel like they have a hold on you. The last three years of my relationship he changed and was a jerk. I put up with a lot!

 

I destroyed every photo and every memento of him afterwards. I felt better after.

 

You got this!

 

It takes time.

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You are going through a grieving process. At first I was hurt that someone could cope and recover so quickly. After thinking about it for a while, I decided to become more self confident. I decided the person who moved on so quickly did me a huge favor. Always look at the silver lining and blessing in disguise.

 

They're not worth it. It's not politically correct to say this but often times you need to tell yourself you're better than the person who left you. This new mindset makes you feel stronger and tougher. You don't take crap from anyone in the future anymore. Either you're treated as if your feelings matter and with utmost respect or it becomes easier to reject people who don't make the cut in your life. The majority of people on this Earth are rejects.

 

You become strong by changing the way you think. You go from weak to tough. This is how you overcome. You find courage and strength from deep within your bones. Once this overtakes you, there is no room for weakness and defeat anymore.

 

Over time, you'll build high self esteem, self worth and self confidence. Accept that some relationships were not meant to be. We want healthy control in our lives and when life and people are incompatible, once you accept these facts, it's easier to accept what wasn't in the cards for you and start fresh with your own life.

 

Being with a person who isn't reliable only does a great disservice to yourself. You deserve to be treated with dignity. It's better to be alone than feeling lonely with the wrong man.

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Well one thing you have to realize is sometimes when people break up with us, they’ve already started the mourning process long before cutting the cord so while it may seem fast, he may very well have already began the disconnect and process of moving on months and months ago, it could also be that she was around before you broke up and this is what prompted the breakup, no matter the reason you do have facts which are, he broke up with you. Those are the facts. Incredibly hurtful and painful, but with the help of therapy you will make it through. Attempting to truly know what’s in his head though? Impossible. It hurts, absolutely , this is why NC post breakup is best so you don’t find things like this out.

 

I’m aorry, you’re going to be ok start NC now, focus on you and your wellbeing, you will be ok, one day at a time.

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Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist. Step one: cut all contact. You don't want him to be your friend, and it's unhealthy for you to know anything about his life at this moment in time. By the way, cutting contact includes all social media connections, and I highly advise you do not give him an explanation for deleting/blocking him.

 

Step two: make sure you are getting out of the house every day for even a short period of time and engaging in one enjoyable activity (or something you typically enjoyed before dealing with this loss). Wallowing at home and obsessing about him is going to be your enemy right now. Yes, you are going to think about it, and I encourage you not to block your emotional experience entirely, but do not make your life about your grief.

 

Step three: surround yourself with anyone who you find supportive. Whether it's friends, family, or a beloved pet, seek positivity! Don't feel rushed to date, because he is. Dating quickly after a breakup is always a band-aid for pain, unless the person was cheating. It won't feel good and you'll likely hurt unsuspecting individuals in the process.

 

Step four: remind yourself as often as necessary that he was never going to give you what you wanted. The two of you were fundamentally incompatible and desired totally different futures. That is okay. Neither of you are "wrong" for wanting different things (though it was a a$$hole move on his part to lead you on the way he did). You know he can't make you happy intellectually. You just need to give your heart some time to catch up.

 

Finally, step five: be compassionate towards yourself. You are enough, you deserve love and happiness, and you also deserve to have the relationship that you want. Even if you don't believe it, say affirmations to yourself every day.

 

Good luck, and I wish you a minimally painful and speedy recovery!

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“ I have never quite understood the power he has over me and why I am so drawn to him, although he is very self assured and driven and doesn't overthink like me. I suspect my daddy issues and his qualities that I don't have might be partially why I feel addicted to him like a drug. I know I love him, but there is also something else going on because I have never been incredibly happy with him. I like to communicate and talk things out and he was never willing to really do so with me and wouldn't go to therapy, so I struggled with feeling very alone in the relationship. He also tended to ignore my feelings and dismiss me and I felt very neglected emotionally, though the sexual chemistry was very strong and we went on some great trips.”

 

Wow, my relationship with my ex was to exactly like what you mentioned above. Insane.

Anyway, I was also completely wrecked after my relationship ended after 3 years about a year and a half ago .

All of the advice that everyone gave you above is great. Something that really helped me every time I thought about him and the relationship, was to tell myself that I just needed time and that one day I would not think about him anymore and would no longer feel pain in regard to that relationship.

About 10 months later, I started to notice that I would think of that relationship less and would no longer feel pain anymore while thinking about the past.

Please know this will happen. It’s going to take awhile but there will be a day that you will be free of the pain. Good luck to you!

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Wow, my relationship with my ex was to exactly like what you mentioned above. Insane.

Anyway, I was also completely wrecked after my relationship ended after 3 years about a year and a half ago .

All of the advice that everyone gave you above is great. Something that really helped me every time I thought about him and the relationship, was to tell myself that I just needed time and that one day I would not think about him anymore and would no longer feel pain in regard to that relationship.

About 10 months later, I started to notice that I would think of that relationship less and would no longer feel pain anymore while thinking about the past.

Please know this will happen. It’s going to take awhile but there will be a day that you will be free of the pain. Good luck to you!

It's reassuring that someone else has been through something similar, though I wish you didn't have to go through that. I feel a bit crazy with what a disaster it's been and that I kept going back. It helps to know that you eventually got over it, because right now it feels as if I never will. Even if it takes me 10 months, it's knowing there's an end to the pain eventually. God, I don't know how married couples deal with divorces involving kids.
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Glad to hear you're seeing a therapist. Step one: cut all contact. You don't want him to be your friend, and it's unhealthy for you to know anything about his life at this moment in time. By the way, cutting contact includes all social media connections, and I highly advise you do not give him an explanation for deleting/blocking him.

 

Step two: make sure you are getting out of the house every day for even a short period of time and engaging in one enjoyable activity (or something you typically enjoyed before dealing with this loss). Wallowing at home and obsessing about him is going to be your enemy right now. Yes, you are going to think about it, and I encourage you not to block your emotional experience entirely, but do not make your life about your grief.

 

Step three: surround yourself with anyone who you find supportive. Whether it's friends, family, or a beloved pet, seek positivity! Don't feel rushed to date, because he is. Dating quickly after a breakup is always a band-aid for pain, unless the person was cheating. It won't feel good and you'll likely hurt unsuspecting individuals in the process.

 

Step four: remind yourself as often as necessary that he was never going to give you what you wanted. The two of you were fundamentally incompatible and desired totally different futures. That is okay. Neither of you are "wrong" for wanting different things (though it was a a$$hole move on his part to lead you on the way he did). You know he can't make you happy intellectually. You just need to give your heart some time to catch up.

 

Finally, step five: be compassionate towards yourself. You are enough, you deserve love and happiness, and you also deserve to have the relationship that you want. Even if you don't believe it, say affirmations to yourself every day.

 

Good luck, and I wish you a minimally painful and speedy recovery!

 

Thank you so much for the feedback - this is very helpful.

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I’m sorry you are going through the hurt. Six years is a long time to be with someone. It’s good you aren’t dating and taking care of you.

As for him dating I wouldn’t put much thought into it he’s rebounding.

 

I also would disconnect from him if you want to move forward. Going no contact will help make things easier!

 

I was in a 11 year relationship once four years ago. I stayed with him the last three years of our relationship. I too understand what it’s like to feel like they have a hold on you. The last three years of my relationship he changed and was a jerk. I put up with a lot!

 

I destroyed every photo and every memento of him afterwards. I felt better after.

 

You got this!

 

It takes time.

 

Thank you - I didn't want no contact, but I am realizing it may have to be.

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I am very sorry to hear your story....been there too and I can guarantee you that no contact is the only way forward.

It is a torture to stay in contact with someone who checked out and on top of this seeing someone else.

He feels less guilt and you will be reopening your wounds each time he will get in touch.

There amazing videos on you tube about no contact. They helped me so much.

If you will respond to his breadcrumbs,he won't even will notice your absence and will never reallise what he lost.

Things will get easier after some weeks.

Imagine if you were actually pregnant and this would happen.

I think you doged the bullet at this point of your life.

Be strong....you will get better quickly but only if you will start no contact. Otherwise you will prolong this heeling.

Hugs

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Evie- I have been there too, about a 3 year relationship too which I kept going back too. In a way each time I went back I felt less and less for him, because of how he treated me I had less and less respect for him, it then made walking away very easy because I knew I had given it chance after chance but nothing changed. I know it feels impossible but honestly you will get through it.

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I am so sorry to hear you going through all this pain. Six years is a long time. As figureitout said "one thing you have to realize is sometimes when people break up with us, they’ve already started the mourning process long before cutting the cord so while it may seem fast, he may very well have already began the disconnect and process of moving on months and months ago, it could also be that she was around before you broke up and this is what prompted the breakup." I fully agree with this. Breaking up with someone requires some thought before it actually happens. The dumpee, if you will, may not even be aware of the impending breakup.

 

I know exactly what you are experiencing. The pain, the rejection, the anguish. A year ago, my ex said he wanted a divorce after a 29 year marriage. Although I wasn't totally surprised, I was nonetheless shocked. Somehow, I lead myself to believe that it would never happen. My mistake. We went to counselling 6 years ago and it helped. This time, he didn't want to bother going. He strongly suggested that I move out 11 days after I found an apartment. (He did give me the option to stay in the house, but it was too large). Why? Apparently, he already had someone. I moved out on the 11th day after finding my apartment. Not everything fit onto the moving van, so I'd go back every day to pick up some things at the house. I would text him the evening before going the following day to make sure he wasn't home. On the 11th day after moving, I went upstairs and found an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on the side of my sink and extra towels. He didn't even have the courtesy or respect to get rid of her "evidence". So, you see, he had already moved on, unbeknownst to me. How sad and heartbreaking.

 

At first, I was totally devastated. I felt like that for many months. I had such a hard time believing that I was replaced so quickly after being kicked to the curb! It felt surreal. Went through our anniversary alone (which was in October); went through Christmas alone. The pain and anguish was indescribable. Our mutual friends turned their backs to me but I did have the support of my ex MIL, ex SIL and my brother and his wife. Fast forward to today (one year after he told me about wanting a divorce): I have gone through the stages of grieving. I am presently stuck in the anger phase but I am slowly making progress. Truly. I no longer care if he's dating or what he is doing. I've been NC for a year and it works. I have a long, long way to go before I am healed. I accept that. Please know that there is no quick fix. Only time will heal your broken heart, but it will happen, I promise you. Yes, you can keep yourself busy but he will creep into your thoughts at night or during those times when you see something that triggers memories. That's normal. My recommendation, besides keeping busy, is to give it time. Do not remain friends; this will only open up wounds and hinder your healing process. Stay NC; very important. Time is the key, dear OP. Keep in touch with close friends and family who can support you. Hugs xx

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Evie- I have been there too, about a 3 year relationship too which I kept going back too. In a way each time I went back I felt less and less for him, because of how he treated me I had less and less respect for him, it then made walking away very easy because I knew I had given it chance after chance but nothing changed. I know it feels impossible but honestly you will get through it.

 

 

Thank you for your words of encouragement. It does feel impossible, but I have to just keep getting through each day.

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I am so sorry to hear you going through all this pain. Six years is a long time. As figureitout said "one thing you have to realize is sometimes when people break up with us, they’ve already started the mourning process long before cutting the cord so while it may seem fast, he may very well have already began the disconnect and process of moving on months and months ago, it could also be that she was around before you broke up and this is what prompted the breakup." I fully agree with this. Breaking up with someone requires some thought before it actually happens. The dumpee, if you will, may not even be aware of the impending breakup.

 

I know exactly what you are experiencing. The pain, the rejection, the anguish. A year ago, my ex said he wanted a divorce after a 29 year marriage. Although I wasn't totally surprised, I was nonetheless shocked. Somehow, I lead myself to believe that it would never happen. My mistake. We went to counselling 6 years ago and it helped. This time, he didn't want to bother going. He strongly suggested that I move out 11 days after I found an apartment. (He did give me the option to stay in the house, but it was too large). Why? Apparently, he already had someone. I moved out on the 11th day after finding my apartment. Not everything fit onto the moving van, so I'd go back every day to pick up some things at the house. I would text him the evening before going the following day to make sure he wasn't home. On the 11th day after moving, I went upstairs and found an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on the side of my sink and extra towels. He didn't even have the courtesy or respect to get rid of her "evidence". So, you see, he had already moved on, unbeknownst to me. How sad and heartbreaking.

 

At first, I was totally devastated. I felt like that for many months. I had such a hard time believing that I was replaced so quickly after being kicked to the curb! It felt surreal. Went through our anniversary alone (which was in October); went through Christmas alone. The pain and anguish was indescribable. Our mutual friends turned their backs to me but I did have the support of my ex MIL, ex SIL and my brother and his wife. Fast forward to today (one year after he told me about wanting a divorce): I have gone through the stages of grieving. I am presently stuck in the anger phase but I am slowly making progress. Truly. I no longer care if he's dating or what he is doing. I've been NC for a year and it works. I have a long, long way to go before I am healed. I accept that. Please know that there is no quick fix. Only time will heal your broken heart, but it will happen, I promise you. Yes, you can keep yourself busy but he will creep into your thoughts at night or during those times when you see something that triggers memories. That's normal. My recommendation, besides keeping busy, is to give it time. Do not remain friends; this will only open up wounds and hinder your healing process. Stay NC; very important. Time is the key, dear OP. Keep in touch with close friends and family who can support you. Hugs xx

 

Thank you for your advise. Wow, what you went through sounds excruciatingly painful. If you can get through that I can get through this. You're so right about keeping busy - he will keep into my thoughts regardless. So, it's good to try to keep busy but realize that time will ultimately heal me. NC also seems to be key although it goes against my instincts and what I agreed on with him. However, he's already dating.

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Thank you for your advise. Wow, what you went through sounds excruciatingly painful. If you can get through that I can get through this. You're so right about keeping busy - he will keep into my thoughts regardless. So, it's good to try to keep busy but realize that time will ultimately heal me. NC also seems to be key although it goes against my instincts and what I agreed on with him. However, he's already dating.

 

You're welcome! I hope my story convinced you that there is healing and hope in store for you, my dear. Be patient. Know that you will experience a roller coaster of emotions. There will be days when you feel you're making progress; others when you feel you feel like you back on square one. All normal. Yes, it was extraordinarily hard to, not only digest that he ended a 29 year marriage, but also that I was so quickly and easily replaced. Double whammy. I gave that man my heart and soul and it was not reciprocated. I did my best to remember that. And, I focused on the toxic parts of the relationship (the verbal/emotional abuse and disrespect). That, for me, was what got me through.

 

Don't worry about what you agreed on with him (the NC). He is not worrying about already dating. You have to move forward. Be kind to yourself, take good care of yourself and hang in there. You will prevail. Best of luck to you. Hugs xx

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I suspect my daddy issues

 

While this is likely true, take comfort that this does not isolate you as some kind of damaged freak. (Hah! It only feeeeels that way.) It's more common than you might think, and that's why it's become so treatable.

 

It's typical for people of either sex to form an unconscious 'need' to fixate on those who recreate a familiar and unresolved dynamic from youth. If it involves a parent, the pattern is more firmly ingrained from repetition than, say, a rejection scenario with a teacher or some peers. But a good therapist will tap this to find it, and then drill to help you to work through it. This is usually uncomfortable and can make you feel MORE lousy for a time rather than better, and it can make you really dislike your therapist.

 

However, it's also progress. I'd specifically ask your therapist to explore this stuff with you, and see what kind of response you get. If therapist is more interested in nibbling around your edges to help you feel 'good' instead of helping you to take on ugly stuff that can bring about real resolution, then you may 'like' your therapist, but you may also be wasting your time and money. So be careful--there are some therapists who are more focused on retaining clients with fluff than tackling deep issues. While those are not in the majority, they exist, so buyer beware.

 

It may be difficult to view your ex as doing you a favor at the moment, but if you can work up the courage to skip playing 'friendzies' and focus on your own long range best interests today, you will thank yourself later. I'd also consider the default voice you run in your head to frame things. We each have ownership over that--it's not something that happens 'to' us. We can use that voice to inspire and comfort and talk ourselves UP, or we can use it negatively to drill ourselves in to a deeper hole to climb out of.

 

Watch dramatic language. Consider a goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability bounce back from this to make leaping strides toward permanent healing. Decide the degree of difficulty you 'must' perceive in this process. That's not to invalidate your grief and pain, and it doesn't preclude you from indulging an occasional bout of the boo-hoos with a tissue box. However, it's a very real choice between viewing this experience as a pivotal event toward growth and new confidence versus one of stagnation and self doubt based on limitations in your past.

 

You get to set your agenda.

 

Head high.

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I am very sorry to hear your story....been there too and I can guarantee you that no contact is the only way forward.

It is a torture to stay in contact with someone who checked out and on top of this seeing someone else.

He feels less guilt and you will be reopening your wounds each time he will get in touch.

There amazing videos on you tube about no contact. They helped me so much.

If you will respond to his breadcrumbs,he won't even will notice your absence and will never reallise what he lost.

Things will get easier after some weeks.

Imagine if you were actually pregnant and this would happen.

I think you doged the bullet at this point of your life.

Be strong....you will get better quickly but only if you will start no contact. Otherwise you will prolong this heeling.

Hugs

 

Thank you so much for your reply. I didn't want to go no contact. It feels so odd just cutting someone out of my life who was there for 6 years (don't know how people do it with longer relationships and kids), but being in contact has made things very painful and so I'm realizing that I need to do the no contact thing. How does one go from loving someone and seeing them every day to never seeing that person again? I'm grappling with this so hard and hopefully time and therapy will help.

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I would also go No Contact here, OP. Being friends right now is an unrealistic prospect, and will prevent you from moving on.

 

Yes, everyone is saying the no contact thing and it must be for a reason. I wanted to be there for each other during the breakup, but I seem to be the one suffering the most.

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Evie- I have been there too, about a 3 year relationship too which I kept going back too. In a way each time I went back I felt less and less for him, because of how he treated me I had less and less respect for him, it then made walking away very easy because I knew I had given it chance after chance but nothing changed. I know it feels impossible but honestly you will get through it.

 

I wish I felt less and less each time after leaving - somehow the pain is still just as great every time I leave, though I believe this will be the last time. It's obviously not going to work. Thanks for your encouraging words.

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