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Thread: Devastated after 6 year relationship ending - ex is already dating

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by limichelle
    Iím sorry you are going through the hurt. Six years is a long time to be with someone. Itís good you arenít dating and taking care of you.
    As for him dating I wouldnít put much thought into it heís rebounding.

    I also would disconnect from him if you want to move forward. Going no contact will help make things easier!

    I was in a 11 year relationship once four years ago. I stayed with him the last three years of our relationship. I too understand what itís like to feel like they have a hold on you. The last three years of my relationship he changed and was a jerk. I put up with a lot!

    I destroyed every photo and every memento of him afterwards. I felt better after.

    You got this!

    It takes time.
    Thank you - I didn't want no contact, but I am realizing it may have to be.

  2. #12
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    I am very sorry to hear your story....been there too and I can guarantee you that no contact is the only way forward.
    It is a torture to stay in contact with someone who checked out and on top of this seeing someone else.
    He feels less guilt and you will be reopening your wounds each time he will get in touch.
    There amazing videos on you tube about no contact. They helped me so much.
    If you will respond to his breadcrumbs,he won't even will notice your absence and will never reallise what he lost.
    Things will get easier after some weeks.
    Imagine if you were actually pregnant and this would happen.
    I think you doged the bullet at this point of your life.
    Be strong....you will get better quickly but only if you will start no contact. Otherwise you will prolong this heeling.
    Hugs

  3. #13
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    Evie- I have been there too, about a 3 year relationship too which I kept going back too. In a way each time I went back I felt less and less for him, because of how he treated me I had less and less respect for him, it then made walking away very easy because I knew I had given it chance after chance but nothing changed. I know it feels impossible but honestly you will get through it.
    Last edited by Blonde1993; 06-08-2019 at 05:20 AM. Reason: Add name

  4. #14
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    I would also go No Contact here, OP. Being friends right now is an unrealistic prospect, and will prevent you from moving on.

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  6. #15
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    I am so sorry to hear you going through all this pain. Six years is a long time. As figureitout said "one thing you have to realize is sometimes when people break up with us, theyíve already started the mourning process long before cutting the cord so while it may seem fast, he may very well have already began the disconnect and process of moving on months and months ago, it could also be that she was around before you broke up and this is what prompted the breakup." I fully agree with this. Breaking up with someone requires some thought before it actually happens. The dumpee, if you will, may not even be aware of the impending breakup.

    I know exactly what you are experiencing. The pain, the rejection, the anguish. A year ago, my ex said he wanted a divorce after a 29 year marriage. Although I wasn't totally surprised, I was nonetheless shocked. Somehow, I lead myself to believe that it would never happen. My mistake. We went to counselling 6 years ago and it helped. This time, he didn't want to bother going. He strongly suggested that I move out 11 days after I found an apartment. (He did give me the option to stay in the house, but it was too large). Why? Apparently, he already had someone. I moved out on the 11th day after finding my apartment. Not everything fit onto the moving van, so I'd go back every day to pick up some things at the house. I would text him the evening before going the following day to make sure he wasn't home. On the 11th day after moving, I went upstairs and found an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on the side of my sink and extra towels. He didn't even have the courtesy or respect to get rid of her "evidence". So, you see, he had already moved on, unbeknownst to me. How sad and heartbreaking.

    At first, I was totally devastated. I felt like that for many months. I had such a hard time believing that I was replaced so quickly after being kicked to the curb! It felt surreal. Went through our anniversary alone (which was in October); went through Christmas alone. The pain and anguish was indescribable. Our mutual friends turned their backs to me but I did have the support of my ex MIL, ex SIL and my brother and his wife. Fast forward to today (one year after he told me about wanting a divorce): I have gone through the stages of grieving. I am presently stuck in the anger phase but I am slowly making progress. Truly. I no longer care if he's dating or what he is doing. I've been NC for a year and it works. I have a long, long way to go before I am healed. I accept that. Please know that there is no quick fix. Only time will heal your broken heart, but it will happen, I promise you. Yes, you can keep yourself busy but he will creep into your thoughts at night or during those times when you see something that triggers memories. That's normal. My recommendation, besides keeping busy, is to give it time. Do not remain friends; this will only open up wounds and hinder your healing process. Stay NC; very important. Time is the key, dear OP. Keep in touch with close friends and family who can support you. Hugs xx

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Blonde1993
    Evie- I have been there too, about a 3 year relationship too which I kept going back too. In a way each time I went back I felt less and less for him, because of how he treated me I had less and less respect for him, it then made walking away very easy because I knew I had given it chance after chance but nothing changed. I know it feels impossible but honestly you will get through it.

    Thank you for your words of encouragement. It does feel impossible, but I have to just keep getting through each day.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by goddess
    I am so sorry to hear you going through all this pain. Six years is a long time. As figureitout said "one thing you have to realize is sometimes when people break up with us, theyíve already started the mourning process long before cutting the cord so while it may seem fast, he may very well have already began the disconnect and process of moving on months and months ago, it could also be that she was around before you broke up and this is what prompted the breakup." I fully agree with this. Breaking up with someone requires some thought before it actually happens. The dumpee, if you will, may not even be aware of the impending breakup.

    I know exactly what you are experiencing. The pain, the rejection, the anguish. A year ago, my ex said he wanted a divorce after a 29 year marriage. Although I wasn't totally surprised, I was nonetheless shocked. Somehow, I lead myself to believe that it would never happen. My mistake. We went to counselling 6 years ago and it helped. This time, he didn't want to bother going. He strongly suggested that I move out 11 days after I found an apartment. (He did give me the option to stay in the house, but it was too large). Why? Apparently, he already had someone. I moved out on the 11th day after finding my apartment. Not everything fit onto the moving van, so I'd go back every day to pick up some things at the house. I would text him the evening before going the following day to make sure he wasn't home. On the 11th day after moving, I went upstairs and found an extra pillow on my bed, a toothbrush on the side of my sink and extra towels. He didn't even have the courtesy or respect to get rid of her "evidence". So, you see, he had already moved on, unbeknownst to me. How sad and heartbreaking.

    At first, I was totally devastated. I felt like that for many months. I had such a hard time believing that I was replaced so quickly after being kicked to the curb! It felt surreal. Went through our anniversary alone (which was in October); went through Christmas alone. The pain and anguish was indescribable. Our mutual friends turned their backs to me but I did have the support of my ex MIL, ex SIL and my brother and his wife. Fast forward to today (one year after he told me about wanting a divorce): I have gone through the stages of grieving. I am presently stuck in the anger phase but I am slowly making progress. Truly. I no longer care if he's dating or what he is doing. I've been NC for a year and it works. I have a long, long way to go before I am healed. I accept that. Please know that there is no quick fix. Only time will heal your broken heart, but it will happen, I promise you. Yes, you can keep yourself busy but he will creep into your thoughts at night or during those times when you see something that triggers memories. That's normal. My recommendation, besides keeping busy, is to give it time. Do not remain friends; this will only open up wounds and hinder your healing process. Stay NC; very important. Time is the key, dear OP. Keep in touch with close friends and family who can support you. Hugs xx
    Thank you for your advise. Wow, what you went through sounds excruciatingly painful. If you can get through that I can get through this. You're so right about keeping busy - he will keep into my thoughts regardless. So, it's good to try to keep busy but realize that time will ultimately heal me. NC also seems to be key although it goes against my instincts and what I agreed on with him. However, he's already dating.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Evie25
    Thank you for your advise. Wow, what you went through sounds excruciatingly painful. If you can get through that I can get through this. You're so right about keeping busy - he will keep into my thoughts regardless. So, it's good to try to keep busy but realize that time will ultimately heal me. NC also seems to be key although it goes against my instincts and what I agreed on with him. However, he's already dating.
    You're welcome! I hope my story convinced you that there is healing and hope in store for you, my dear. Be patient. Know that you will experience a roller coaster of emotions. There will be days when you feel you're making progress; others when you feel you feel like you back on square one. All normal. Yes, it was extraordinarily hard to, not only digest that he ended a 29 year marriage, but also that I was so quickly and easily replaced. Double whammy. I gave that man my heart and soul and it was not reciprocated. I did my best to remember that. And, I focused on the toxic parts of the relationship (the verbal/emotional abuse and disrespect). That, for me, was what got me through.

    Don't worry about what you agreed on with him (the NC). He is not worrying about already dating. You have to move forward. Be kind to yourself, take good care of yourself and hang in there. You will prevail. Best of luck to you. Hugs xx

  10. #19
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    I suspect my daddy issues
    While this is likely true, take comfort that this does not isolate you as some kind of damaged freak. (Hah! It only feeeeels that way.) It's more common than you might think, and that's why it's become so treatable.

    It's typical for people of either sex to form an unconscious 'need' to fixate on those who recreate a familiar and unresolved dynamic from youth. If it involves a parent, the pattern is more firmly ingrained from repetition than, say, a rejection scenario with a teacher or some peers. But a good therapist will tap this to find it, and then drill to help you to work through it. This is usually uncomfortable and can make you feel MORE lousy for a time rather than better, and it can make you really dislike your therapist.

    However, it's also progress. I'd specifically ask your therapist to explore this stuff with you, and see what kind of response you get. If therapist is more interested in nibbling around your edges to help you feel 'good' instead of helping you to take on ugly stuff that can bring about real resolution, then you may 'like' your therapist, but you may also be wasting your time and money. So be careful--there are some therapists who are more focused on retaining clients with fluff than tackling deep issues. While those are not in the majority, they exist, so buyer beware.

    It may be difficult to view your ex as doing you a favor at the moment, but if you can work up the courage to skip playing 'friendzies' and focus on your own long range best interests today, you will thank yourself later. I'd also consider the default voice you run in your head to frame things. We each have ownership over that--it's not something that happens 'to' us. We can use that voice to inspire and comfort and talk ourselves UP, or we can use it negatively to drill ourselves in to a deeper hole to climb out of.

    Watch dramatic language. Consider a goal of surprising everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability bounce back from this to make leaping strides toward permanent healing. Decide the degree of difficulty you 'must' perceive in this process. That's not to invalidate your grief and pain, and it doesn't preclude you from indulging an occasional bout of the boo-hoos with a tissue box. However, it's a very real choice between viewing this experience as a pivotal event toward growth and new confidence versus one of stagnation and self doubt based on limitations in your past.

    You get to set your agenda.

    Head high.

  11. #20
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    Thank you. Realizing more and more I'll most likely have to go no contact.

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