Would you expect to be taken out by your SO after exam period/finishing uni?

If you happened to be finishing exams and finishing uni after 3 years, would you expect your significant other to acknowledge this and take you out for a meal, surprise you (supermarket flowers) or just a takeaway? just something to say well done or something. especially if it has been tough for you?

It is in the nature of our relationship to celebrate so I took my SO out for a meal when they got a new job.

would you be upset if this didn't happen?

No absolutely not, unless I expressly told them that I want to celebrate the occasion and go do x and y.

If you expect people to read your mind, you'll be disappointed all the time.

It's your accomplishment, not his. Why wouldn't you take it upon yourself to celebrate? Have some pride.

Your post gives no context for the situation so it's impossible to give a straight answer. There are 100 different factors that might come into play here.

No.. ? I don't like it when people make a big deal about things I do. I think what you're experiencing is failed reciprocity. You engaged in certain behaviours and felt that you deserved the same in return. In this way, I completely understand what you're saying and perhaps it's not so much about the thing itself or whatever was done to acknowledge the fact but only the thought behind it that counts most to you.

Do you feel your partner is callous or thoughtless around you?

If you happened to be finishing exams and finishing uni after 3 years, would you expect your significant other to acknowledge this and take you out for a meal, surprise you (supermarket flowers) or just a takeaway? just something to say well done or something. especially if it has been tough for you?

 

It is in the nature of our relationship to celebrate so I took my SO out for a meal when they got a new job.

 

would you be upset if this didn't happen?

I am confused as the comments in bold seem to contradict.

On one hand, you say it's in the nature of your "relationship," to celebrate. Does this mean that, in the past, when either of you have accomplished something significant, depending on who it was, the other would celebrate it with you?

I mean, being that it was the nature of your relationship to do that.

That is what it sounds like to me, but now you imply, this time, he didn't?

Is that what troubles you? That he didn't this time?

And you're interpreting that to mean that he has stopped caring about you or something?

Thus, the issue becoming not so much he didn't celebrate with you, but that you believe he doesn't care anymore?

I am confused as the comments in bold seem to contradict.

 

On one hand, you say it's in the nature of your "relationship," to celebrate. Does this mean that, in the past, when either of you have accomplished something significant, depending on who it was, the other would celebrate it with you?

 

I mean, being that it was the nature of your relationship to do that.

 

That is what it sounds like to me, but now you imply, this time, he didn't?

 

Is that what troubles you? That he didn't this time?

 

And you're interpreting that to mean that he has stopped caring about you or something?

 

Thus, the issue becoming not so much he didn't celebrate with you, but that you believe he doesn't care anymore?

She posted something a few days / weeks ago about him flirting with a co-worker over text. Maybe this is what is causing her to question his commitment to the relationship now.

She posted something a few days / weeks ago about him flirting with a co-worker over text. Maybe this is what is causing her to question his commitment to the relationship now.

Yeah, such conflicts are never really about the issue we think it is, is it.

There is always, or typically, something lurking that goes much deeper than the issue at hand.

I didn't read her earlier post, but I had a suspicion there was more to it than him not taking her to dinner or buying flowers to celebrate her graduation from uni.

Perhaps she will return and address the real issue.

No but I would want him included in family celebrations if there was a graduation dinner or party, etc. In my family I did expect my parents to want to celebrate because I'm their child and they very much valued education/were proud of me. And they did!

No, I wouldn't expect anything. Whenever expectations fail to deliver, you'll only become sorely disappointed and hurt so I've since learned not to set my hopes up too high anymore.

It also depends on who your SO is. If they're the celebratory type, add special touches to every life's event and pays attention to such details, yes, I would anticipate something for a special occasion. Also, if both partners reciprocate and never ignore rare accomplishments and recognize each other during the year, again, yes I would anticipate a joyous gesture of some sort. However, if this is not the nature of the relationship throughout the year, then no, I wouldn't hold my breath for flowers or dining out.

I wouldn't be upset if this was the rhythm and beat of the relationship. However, I'm the type who does indeed recognize people's achievements with a greeting card in the postal mail, money, gift card, flowers, I cook for them, deliver meals to them or we dine out. This is my way. If there's graduation or a new job, yes, we celebrate where I come from. It's usually a party or dining out at a yummy restaurant somewhere. We don't simply ignore.

I think if a person works hard after uni, attains a job or accomplishes something worth celebrating, it's heartwarming to do something as opposed to absolutely nothing.

If there is a problem with the relationship due to zero recognition throughout the year, either both of you need to be comfortable with his arrangement or speak up if recognition, celebrations, flowers and food are important to you. Life is boring when there aren't special occasions and gestures to be had not to mention it can feel inconsiderate and downright rude. There are many relationships where one person does all the giving and the other person has no qualms doing all the taking which becomes problematic and burnout ensues.

Whether it was my boyfriend at the time or my husband, if he completely ignored my achievements and never acknowledged any special occasion, yes, I'd feel upset because I've done a lot for him. I've baked and decorated cakes, gave me him amazing gifts, made my own embossed greeting cards, cooked his favorite dinners or we dined out at a fancy restaurant, I've hosted parties in his honor, cooked buffet food for our guests and never simply ignored. I've done the same for my sons, relatives and in-laws. So yes, when it was my turn and everyone was lazy enough to do absolutely nothing for me, yes, I would be upset!

If everyone ignored each other and did absolutely nothing and these feelings and habits were MUTUAL, no, I wouldn't be upset but it's not this way in my relationship with my husband.

No, I would expect me to suggest we go out and celebrate the fact that one grueling school year has finally come to an end but I certainly wouldn't expect my partner to read my mind to that effect.

As someone had alluded to ~ if you have unvoiced expectations you are going to be disappointed more times than not.

Since you state it is a normal occurrence in your relationship that accomplishments and milestones are celebrated in some fashion, then YES, I would be hurt that my SO failed to recognize my graduation and completion of my hard work and studies.

Since you state it is a normal occurrence in your relationship that accomplishments and milestones are celebrated in some fashion, then YES, I would be hurt that my SO failed to recognize my graduation and completion of my hard work and studies.

Did she actually graduate? Op: Did you graduate or did you just finish exams and it was the end of the school year?

Since you state it is a normal occurrence in your relationship that accomplishments and milestones are celebrated in some fashion, then YES, I would be hurt that my SO failed to recognize my graduation and completion of my hard work and studies.

I doubt it's even about that anyway.

There is something else, something deeper, going on here that's causing these hurt feelings.

Hopefully she will return to clarify.

Did she actually graduate? Op: Did you graduate or did you just finish exams and it was the end of the school year?

Does it matter? The OP states it is the nature of their relationship to celebrate, and whatever is happening, it's a celebratory moment. He failed...I would be hurt.

I doubt it's even about that anyway.

 

There is something else, something deeper, going on here that's causing these hurt feelings.

 

Hopefully she will return to clarify.

I don't know what the OP's history is. The question was, in a relationship where milestones are celebrated in some way, would you be hurt if your SO didn't do some gesture of some kind to honor or celebrate this milestone. My answer is yes, I would be hurt.

No. I wouldn’t want to celebrate it with a partner. I would want to celebrate it with other classmates feeling the same relief and joy. Party on!

If you happened to be finishing exams and finishing uni after 3 years, would you expect your significant other to acknowledge this and take you out for a meal, surprise you (supermarket flowers) or just a takeaway? just something to say well done or something. especially if it has been tough for you?

 

It is in the nature of our relationship to celebrate so I took my SO out for a meal when they got a new job.

 

would you be upset if this didn't happen?

To be honest, I don't know if I would be hurt as he may not consider it a celebratory moment.

I mean, had you actually graduated, that's a celebratory moment, but finishing exams and finishing up your third year at uni?

Unless you've left information out, this is standard stuff, happens every year while attending uni, nothing special imo.

I certainly would not consider this a celebratory moment at all, and I would not expect him to think so either.

So, no I would not have any expectation of being taken out to dinner, or given flowers, and I would not be hurt if my bf did not do so.

If you want to go out for a celebratory dinner, you should tell him that.

Does it matter? The OP states it is the nature of their relationship to celebrate, and whatever is happening, it's a celebratory moment. He failed...I would be hurt.

Finishing your exams is, IMO, not a reason to celebrate in the way that the Op has expected. I'm with Billie on this one wherein its a good time to go out with classmates and celebrate. I would bet that celebrating finishing exams wouldn't even be on her partners radar as something to be celebrated.

Anyway, she can choose to be disappointed about her unvoiced expectations or she can choose to look at it more (imo) realistically as in how I view it then shrug her shoulders and move on.

I totally agree, and I have answered the question on face value.

Since there is a requirement to dig deeper into the situation, of which there is no history provided by the OP, and I will not go spelunking on past posts, the OP states in her original post, "It is in the nature of our relationship to celebrate so I took my SO out for a meal when they got a new job." I can reasonably assume that when it comes to other people, friends and family, who did so much as pass a test or graduated 3rd grade, there are bells and whistles coming from the OP's boyfriend (or significant other, SO), but when the OP completed her semester, finally finished her studies, her SO brushed it off or didn't acknowledge this accomplishment.

She is justified in feeling hurt.

Whatever else is going on is a completely different issue.

Where I stumble is over the word "expect".

Would I like it? Absolutely. Could I possibly be hurt if it didn't happen? Possibly.

But that's like "expecting" someone to buy me flowers for Valentine's Day or buy me a gift for my birthday. It's a nice thing to do, but I don't go around expecting anyone to spend their hard earned money on me.

If you typically celebrate these things together, then yes, it would be strange that he opted to do nothing at all. But I think you are (understandably) feeling extra-sensitive because of what you discovered a few days ago:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=560096

There is much more to this than one missed occasion to celebrate.

The OP says it’s in the nature of their relationship to celebrate.

Which is kind of a BS statement tbh.

She then proceeded to give one example of this where she took him out to celebrate him getting a job.

Yet failed to mention any example of where he took her out to celebrate a success of hers. That kind of example would have been relevant whereas the one she gave is irrelevant.

@purplepaisley, your assumption that he celebrates these events with others is not a reasonable one. She never said it’s in his nature to celebrate and certainly gave no inclination that it was.

Unfortunately everything about him upsets you and you are questioning all his motives. He sounds immature and this text exchange sounds like frat boy silliness. The real issue is not the coworker. It's that you are unhappy with him. You need a much more involved life outside of this and stop depending on him for all this. Go out and celebrate with friends, family fellow students, etc. Rethink this relationship. You are much more invested than he is.

he said that he is sure her boyfriend X will love her new boobs. whilst he was away the messages were not flirty to me and that upset me. surely he should be flirty with me.