Jump to content

Partner lost both parents within 6 weeks, and now wants to be alone


Blonde1993

Recommended Posts

I have been with my partner 6 months in total, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but we moved and fell in love quickly, became inseparable and believed we were each others ‘one’. In February his mother passed away, I never met her as she lived abroad, but tried my best to be supportive and be there for him. Things seemed relatively normal, and he was healing. In April his dad passed, completely unexpectedly (not of a broken heart as parents had split and remarried years prior) and I continued to support him, attended his funeral, looked after him as best I could given it’s a horrendous situation that nobody can change or make better. He has been distant with me, spending much more time with his friends, weekends away, which I understand he needs to do what he needs to do to heal, however it has taken its toll on me how much the relationship has changed and how pushed out I feel. When i have broached this with him he has said he feels like he can’t talk to me about things, I have tried to encourage him to speak to a professional, but as of yet this has not happened. Yesterday he told me he needs to be on his own, yet we have a holiday booked in less than a week which we will still go on. I have read numerous threads about people having a complete change of heart while grieving after a seemingly perfect relationship, and that seems to be what is happening here. I have told him I cannot he selfish, he needs to do what he needs to do, I would never try and talk him in to staying if it’s not what he wants, and I would never want to be with someone who isn’t sure they want to be with me. I am not sure what kind of responses I am looking for here, but somehow putting this out there makes me feel a bit better.

Link to comment

I think that you need to respect his wishes. Not only did he lose one parent, but both with in less than two months. I can't imagine how devastating this must be for him. You have only been together for 6 months. You need to pull way back, or consider a break. He has nothing to give. Sorry.

 

What are you going to do about the trip?

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. This is a really tough situation for you both. Respect to yuo for sticking by him through it as well.

 

It's a hard situaton to call but i have been in a similar situation a long time ago. I was in a relationship once where just the dad died and my gf at the time went (understandably) haywire and completely changed character and within 2 months had ended things with me. I didn't try and fight it or anything as i assumed it was due to the death of her father at a young age. She said she didn't want to speak to me etc etc so i gave her a lot of space and carried on with my life and around 9 months later she messaged me and asked to meet up for a catch up. One thing led to another, she apologised for her behavour and confirmed i had done nothing wrong she was just in the wrong headspace to be with anyone. I said it's totally understandable, the chemistry was still there and she asked me to get back with her that night and we remained togehter for years.

 

This could be a situation where it is more about what he is going through as an individual than a reflection of you 2 as a couple. I think if you try and force him to open up or stick close he may end resenting you, of course you only want to help but in times like this people don't think straight.

 

I think all you can do is give him the space he's asked for. It's then upto you whether you want to wait a while in the background in the hope he starts to feel better or you just move on. Well within your rights to do either.

 

He may benefit from seeing a therapist to deal with this double gut punch as well regardless.

 

Again sorry to hear of your issues, i hope it all works out for you both.

Link to comment

Excellent advice ^

 

The best thing you can do is let him know that you are there for him and let him lead the relationship. He may want a temporary break to grieve, and don't feel he is choosing friends over you, it's no reflection on you, it could be simply that he has more history with them and maybe they went through similar circumstance in which he feels can be of service to him.

 

Let him have a break from the relationship and use this time to develop bonds with your own friends and family.

 

wishing you the best.

Link to comment

I have tried to encourage him to speak to a professional, but as of yet this has not happened.

 

I lost my mother a few months ago and though everyone's experience is different, I can say I was grief stricken for about 5 months, total.

I can't imagine losing two parents in that short amount of time. My heart truly goes out to him.

 

About 2 months after my mother passed away my boyfriend suggested I possibly needed to speak to someone or maybe they could prescribe me something. That frustrated me because what I was experiencing was normal and I didn't need to take a pill for it. What I needed was for someone to understand.

 

At the same time the process of wrapping up a parents estate is overwhelming. Close to 7 months later, I am still in the midst of it.

 

I spent a lot of time alone, reflecting and processing things.

 

I don't know what to tell you other than just let him be. Be there for him if he wants to talk about it. Give him space to breathe when he requires it.

 

I know you said you didn't want to be selfish but your post suggests you are seeking advise on how to keep a new budding relationship on track, in spite of his huge loses. This really isn't the time to be wondering how to navigate this. Just leave it alone and it will work out however it's supposed to in the end.

 

The priority here is him at this time. Give him the space he's asking for. You may ultimately benefit from it.

Link to comment

Thankyou everyone for your replies, please note I am not trying to force him to open up or stick around, I simply want him to do what is right for him to help him heal and feel better. I am reaching out on this thread for some sort of comfort, to hear from people who have been through similar things and listen to advise. Personally I have never had to deal with the loss of a loved close one, and this may have hindered me in my ability to support him. As much as I would absolutely love our budding relationship to continue I fully understand it can’t, as he needs to heal himself and put himself before anyone else. As much as I do love him, I know how I want to be treated, and through no fault of his own can he give me that right now. We are still going on holiday, and once back we will start the process of moving him out ect

Link to comment

I can't really say what's right or wrong but I'm going to share a few things on my end that I experienced when I lost my parents.

 

The biggest thing that annoyed me most was anyone suggesting that I 'speak to someone' because it felt like a half-hearted cop out response (shoving me over to strangers) when what I wanted most was for the ones I loved most to just understand that it was a process and like all processes, they often end. If you haven't dealt with death or loss of loved ones yet, just understand that it is a process grieving and that process will eventually slow down and lead to renewal and a rebirth. A person begins a new and begins to rebuild their lives in a new way.

 

I can feel that you're unhappy and that unhappiness is leading him to push you away because you don't understand what he's going through. I lost my parents before my husband lost his (his are still alive) and there was no way for him to know what I was going through. I also didn't have anyone to tell me that it was a process of grieving and I'd eventually come out of it. I more or less became very turned off from loved ones who thought they knew what was best but their suggestions seemed incredibly cold. I learned to forgive that because it's not anyone's fault if they don't know what it's like or they haven't been through the same thing.

 

There isn't anything wrong with a person when they're grieving or accepting a loss. I don't think there's even anything to heal. There's more of a rebuilding process and learning to accept a new reality. Treating someone differently, I know for me, made me irritable and push others away. I didn't want to be treated differently. I wanted things to remain the same and my relationships to remain strong, steadfast and for things not to change. Don't look at him in pity and think that he needs to heal, talk to a professional and he's not good enough in a relationship. Those are the very things that push someone away. He wants to hang around his friends because they probably treat him normally and they don't treat him differently.

 

If you really like him, then have faith in him and treat him the same. Listen to him when he wants to talk and don't push him if he doesn't want to.

Link to comment

Thankyou for your response. As he has not wanted to open up about it, I have tried to carry on as normal, I suggested he speak to a professional because he said he couldn’t open up to the people closest to him. I would be more than willing to listen 24/7 if that’s what he wanted. I have asked him this evening how he is feeling, he has said he wants to be alone, work on himself, throw himself in to work, and not have any connections. It feels horrendous but I accept it

Link to comment

One of my friends' husband lost his beloved father. I had lost my mother a few years earlier.

 

While it probably hurt her, he told her he wanted to spend some time around me (BTW, I was also married) because he wanted to be around someone who understood what he was going through because I'd been through it myself. His wife very generously did not object when he and I went to a couple of events together. We did talk about how losing a parent impacted us. He said being around me was helping him.

 

Now, some might have thought we were having an "emotional affair", but we honestly weren't. He just was so grief stricken that he couldn't think of another solution.

 

After a while (I want to say maybe just over a year...yeah, it took that long), he stopped wanting to be around me. He started wanting to be around his wife more and didn't need to lean on me. Thanks to her wonderful understanding, they are still together today (something like 25+ years now!).

 

It seems like you are NOT making this all about you, which is terrific. Hopefully he will see how great you are being and come back when he has had time to get used to life without his parents.

Link to comment

If he doesn't want to have any connections, I'd agree with Holly and just respect his wishes. I have a strong feeling that he doesn't want to be with you (you shouldn't take this personally) and you're both not compatible for different reasons. That your romance also blossomed during a tumultuous time may also serve as a constant reminder of his current losses. I don't think you're listening to what he wants. He's showing you what he doesn't want and what he wants. You're not taking the hint. You seem to need verbal confirmations and aren't reading it from his actions.

 

If he doesn't want to open up about how he feels, he shouldn't have to. I don't think that's what you're accepting or understanding. He doesn't need to talk about anything in detail with you or his friends if he just can't find the words. I'm sensing that you need more communication and more togetherness and more emotional attachments than he's willing or able to give right now and you're completely entitled to that.

 

You should recognize what you need in a relationship but I'm concerned that you're not able to exist apart or independently of those emotions tied to your partner. You depend on him too much to make you feel good.

 

I'd refrain from asking how someone is feeling also in this case. It's obvious if you know that person very well from their expression and their mannerisms. It's just something that doesn't need to be asked.

 

Talk about something else and talk about your life and what's going on with you. It shouldn't always be about him or how he's feeling. You're not understanding that he doesn't want to talk about this or make it the center of everything. He wants to work and continue to be functional and accomplish what he needs to do. You're not understanding that he wants that.

Link to comment

Boltnrun, Thankyou for your message. It is nice to hear this situation does have some happy endings. Rose, Thankyou for your response but I do think you are not really getting what I am saying. Having been in a wonderful loving relationship with someone, of course I am upset and want to understand what’s happened and want verbal confirmation, I feel that is normal, as I am really hurting. I am hearing what he is wanting, and I also understand it from his actions. What I am really struggling with, perhaps again as I have never dealt with this myself, is how not having me around will help the situation. I am not holding out hope that we will reconnect once he is more himself, I am not wanting him to stick around when he needs to be alone, I want him to do right by him, and to be happy, I understand we may not be compatible and I understand perhaps if he truly loved me, he would want me around while he works through this, but it does not make this hurt any less.

Link to comment

I understand perhaps if he truly loved me, he would want me around while he works through this,

But one has nothing to do with the other.

 

His including you in this process is not tied to how he does or doesn't feel about you.

He is very likely totally engulfed. That translates into him not having anything in reserve for someone else at this time. I can safely guess he can feel your disappointment. At the same time he has nothing in his reserve to make that better for you.

 

I was about a year and half into my relationship when I lost my mom. My boyfriend was very generous (outside of the `talking to someone' comment) I asked for space and he graciously gave it to me. He trusted me enough to understand and he was there when I needed him and left me to myself when I needed to be alone.

 

Had I sensed that he was insecure about it, the outcome would have likely been different.

 

You need to learn to compartmentalize this and not take it personally.

Have a little faith.

Link to comment
Boltnrun, Thankyou for your message. It is nice to hear this situation does have some happy endings. Rose, Thankyou for your response but I do think you are not really getting what I am saying. Having been in a wonderful loving relationship with someone, of course I am upset and want to understand what’s happened and want verbal confirmation, I feel that is normal, as I am really hurting. I am hearing what he is wanting, and I also understand it from his actions. What I am really struggling with, perhaps again as I have never dealt with this myself, is how not having me around will help the situation. I am not holding out hope that we will reconnect once he is more himself, I am not wanting him to stick around when he needs to be alone, I want him to do right by him, and to be happy, I understand we may not be compatible and I understand perhaps if he truly loved me, he would want me around while he works through this, but it does not make this hurt any less.

 

I'm very sorry that this is hurting you so badly. I don't feel like you're compatible with each other. I do understand you want to be heard and you want to hear your partner tell you and affirm his love for you. Your expectations are so high that it's difficult for him to fill that void or make you hurt less.

 

He has mentioned calling this off or at least that's what it sounds like. I think it's better to move on and find someone who is more on your level in terms of communication and expectations. To me, this is a lot of failed expectations and incompatibilities. He's not wanting to continue this relationship with you and it's healthier to accept that and move forwards.

Link to comment

He doesn't know how to feel about you because his emotions are broken. Having you around may put pressure on him - whether you are intending that pressure or not - to feel something toward you that he is physically unable to feel right now.

Link to comment
Boltnrun, Thankyou for your message. It is nice to hear this situation does have some happy endings. Rose, Thankyou for your response but I do think you are not really getting what I am saying. Having been in a wonderful loving relationship with someone, of course I am upset and want to understand what’s happened and want verbal confirmation, I feel that is normal, as I am really hurting. I am hearing what he is wanting, and I also understand it from his actions. What I am really struggling with, perhaps again as I have never dealt with this myself, is how not having me around will help the situation. I am not holding out hope that we will reconnect once he is more himself, I am not wanting him to stick around when he needs to be alone, I want him to do right by him, and to be happy, I understand we may not be compatible and I understand perhaps if he truly loved me, he would want me around while he works through this, but it does not make this hurt any less.

 

You are making this about you OP. Given that you have never experienced that level of grief I can kind of understand why... how can you empathize with something you have never experienced for yourself? And I hope you never have to experience it.

 

Thing is, everyone processes grief in a different way, and his is next level... he literally just became an orphan 30 days ago, and he is in a dark place where he doesn't even know how to begin processing his feelings. You are expecting him to process grief the way you think he should... by including you, by talking to you, by validating his need for you. He isn't capable of doing that right now, just as you aren't capable of seeing past your own feelings around this to put yourself in his shoes.

 

Take the break in the relationship and give him the space he needs to process how he is feeling. And practice sitting with others in their grief without expectations. It's not easy, but it will be the thing that cements your relationships forever if you can learn how to do this.

Link to comment

You know what, even as someone who pretty much exclusively internalizes his grieving and who is an unabashed introvert, I'm gonna go a bit further than others and say this isn't just about being grief stricken or emotionally coping. He hasn't locked himself away and neglected his social life. You are being cut out. For whatever reasons, faults of yours, or lack thereof, he does not see you as a source of relief, but rather as an effort he lacks the spare capacity to take on. Given you were dating what, a month before this happened, it could be that you simply never had the chance to establish a familiarity with him to have any idea how to be that source of relief for him. It could also be that on a much more general level, you need to work on prioritizing empathy over ego, not broaching sensitive or dramatic topics or offering advice on how he should deal with a loss on such a scale you've got no way to relate to. I haven't been there to monitor your interactions, so it's in your own best interests to do some honest reflection.

 

Still, at the end of the day, it sounds as if he's checked out. You might be able to take a big step back and let him be the one to navigate your relations and his emotional needs right now, should you so insist on trying to keep things going. But I'd chalk it up to a sequence of events and a foundation which unfortunately rarely lends itself to a sustainable positive outcome.

Link to comment
You know what, even as someone who pretty much exclusively internalizes his grieving and who is an unabashed introvert, I'm gonna go a bit further than others and say this isn't just about being grief stricken or emotionally coping. He hasn't locked himself away and neglected his social life. You are being cut out. For whatever reasons, faults of yours, or lack thereof, he does not see you as a source of relief, but rather as an effort he lacks the spare capacity to take on. Given you were dating what, a month before this happened, it could be that you simply never had the chance to establish a familiarity with him to have any idea how to be that source of relief for him. It could also be that on a much more general level, you need to work on prioritizing empathy over ego, not broaching sensitive or dramatic topics or offering advice on how he should deal with a loss on such a scale you've got no way to relate to. I haven't been there to monitor your interactions, so it's in your own best interests to do some honest reflection.

 

Still, at the end of the day, it sounds as if he's checked out. You might be able to take a big step back and let him be the one to navigate your relations and his emotional needs right now, should you so insist on trying to keep things going. But I'd chalk it up to a sequence of events and a foundation which unfortunately rarely lends itself to a sustainable positive outcome.

 

I misread the story as they were together 6 months before this. If it was only 1 month, then yes, this wouldn't be enough time for most people to develop roots in the relationship that can survive a trauma. Especially if he is introverted, he may never have gotten completely comfortable and open being around you. And now that his emotions are on pause, there isn't any room for that too happen. The timing is really bad.

Link to comment

 

He has been distant with me, spending much more time with his friends, weekends away, which I understand he needs to do what he needs to do to heal, however it has taken its toll on me how much the relationship has changed and how pushed out I feel. When i have broached this with him he has said he feels like he can’t talk to me about things,

 

First off, I am so very sorry to hear this. Losing one's parents is devastating, let alone so close in time.

 

Many on this forum know my story; I also lost both my parents within months, back in 2014. So I can very much relate to how your boyfriend is feeling.

 

I was living with my boyfriend at the time, and like your bf, I withdrew, required lots of distance. I shut people out, including him at times.

 

However, unlike you, my boyfriend did not take it personally nor did he view my withdrawal as a reflection on him or believing it meant I didn't love him as you posted in an earlier post.

 

I don't say this to be disrespectful, please know that, but your comment in bold/underlined above describing how what he is experiencing has taken a toll on you, and your feelings (feeling pushed out) is telling.

 

Please understand this isn't about you. Even if you try to hide, your bf can sense it, can sense your resentment, which explains why he said he feels he can't talk to you.

 

I do understand how difficult it can be and the strain it can put on a relationship, but it's important during this time that you step away from yourself and your own feelings, and attempt to empathize with him and not make this about you, in any way shape or form.

 

Yes many relationships do change after such a loss, when parents lose a child for example, it's very difficult for them to emotionally support one another because they are both grieving the loss. And sadly, the relationship or marriage will break down because of it.

 

But that is not what's happening here, he is the one grieving, you are not.

 

So if I have any advice, it's try to step away from yourself and your own needs for just a moment, and again try to empathize. He's grieving, he is shut down.

 

It has nothing at all to do with you, or how he feels about you. Not directly. He is literally incapable of feeling much of anything right now, so try to understand that. Be there for him to talk to, open up to, whenever he's ready. Have no expectations he will choose to do this, and your mindset should be, that's okay too. Give him the respect and allow him to work through it.

 

Don't attempt to manage his emotions, by suggesting therapy or anything else, trust that, in time, he will work through it on his own. He will resent you for it, and feel you are trying to control him.

 

For now, just be there for him, a good listener, someone he can turn to and have faith and trust will understand by not taking it so personally.

Link to comment

 

About 2 months after my mother passed away my boyfriend suggested I possibly needed to speak to someone or maybe they could prescribe me something. That frustrated me because what I was experiencing was normal and I didn't need to take a pill for it. What I needed was for someone to understand.

 

 

Yes this is exactly what I was trying to say too.

 

And I am sorry reinvent about your loss, I knew about it, but I don't think I ever said I sorry I was.

 

So saying it now, hope you're okay.

 

((hugs))

Link to comment

Thankyou for sharing, and I am very sorry to hear you lost both your parents too. This thread has been an eye opener for me, the responses I got were not what I expected. I genuinely felt I was trying to do right by him by suggesting he speak to a professional, and I also have really tried to not make this about me. I do find it difficult to mask my feelings and accept things I have no control over.

Link to comment
Thankyou for sharing, and I am very sorry to hear you lost both your parents too. This thread has been an eye opener for me, the responses I got were not what I expected. I genuinely felt I was trying to do right by him by suggesting he speak to a professional, and I also have really tried to not make this about me. I do find it difficult to mask my feelings and accept things I have no control over.

 

In this way, the time apart can be beneficial to you as well. Instead of trying to mask your emotions or contort yourself to figure out what you should do for him, you are also free to grieve the aspects of your own loss in your own way. You may not have lost your parents, but you have lost a special relationship at least for a time.

Link to comment

I agree with others. You need to give him exactly what he wants which is tons of time and space. When he's ready, he'll reach out to you. Until then continue to back off and see if he'll come around one day. In the meantime, proceed with your own life without him. Don't put your life on hold on account of your distant partner. He needs to sort things out, think long and hard and determine whether or not he wishes to resume a relationship with you.

 

People handle grief and depression in various ways. Some want supportive friends but don't want a close relationship with one person. They want a wide berth and lots of boundaries. You need to respect that.

 

If he decides to rekindle a relationship with you, it's an optimal outcome. However, if he never desires to do so, there is your answer. Your relationship had run its course and it's time for both of you to go your separate ways.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this and same with your partner's tremendous losses, too.

 

I remember when my father passed away which turned my household upside down. At the time I financially supported my widowed mother and younger siblings. My mother worked and we were both two passing ships. I didn't have brain space, time nor energy for a relationship. Had my mother passed away, I would've transformed into a basket case. There is only so much a person can take. When life feels overwhelming, we go off the deep end and generally need private time and silence. We don't want anyone hovering over us even if they mean well. It's human nature. Not everyone is this way but many of us are.

 

Many people act out of character during extreme stress, loss, grief and depression. I know my story is not the same. However, when my beloved 14 year old Golden Retriever passed away, I shut down. My neighbor gave me a huge basket of grapefruit freshly picked from her backyard tree. She meant well but I was so angry, depressed and stressed that I promptly returned the entire basket of grapefruit to her. I usually don't behave this way but I felt the fruit was beneath me to receive at a time like this. She was hurt and I later apologized and thanked her for the fruit. What I'm trying to say is often times people act out of whack when their mindset doesn't have brain space for good manners, social graces and close relationships. We go mental and can't cope with reality. I checked out as did your partner.

Link to comment

When i was in a period of grief, the worst thing was when people constantly asked "how are you feeling?" You darn well know how i am feeling - i am in mourning. And consttantly asking how i am feeling is "taking my temperature" or of the relationship. "you should 'talk to someone' see a professional". The grief I am going through is normal and natural. It would not be healthy if i were not grieving. Implying i need to talk to someone implies i am not handling grief as well as other people or how you would like to see it. I know you are well meaning and wanted him to "work through it" but sometimes, in extreme loss, sometimes people need to sulk for a short bit, or distract themselves with work. Its too painful to talk about. And having to worry about entertaining another person is far too much. Six months is still in the courtship period.

 

I agree with your assessment of backing off. If he contacts you again down the line, go from there if you are't dating anyone. Do not wait for him.

Link to comment

Thankyou everyone. I will not wait for him, and I will give him the space he needs. It is just very difficult to accept and I’m really hurting. Having never been on the other side it is very hard for me to understand where he is coming from, but that doesn’t mean I do not respect or allow him his wishes.

Link to comment

Sorry this is happening. Stop being a mommy, therapist, grief counselor. Do not cling and "encourage him to talk". Leave him alone to process and grieve. The absolute worst thing you can do is be this clingy right now and try force him to talk to about it. This insecurity may come from way too much too soon and the impulsiveness and infatuation coming to an abrupt reality check through this event. Get a life outside of this relationship, so he can breathe.

He has been distant with me, spending much more time with his friends, weekends away, which I understand he needs to do what he needs to do to heal, however it has taken its toll on me how much the relationship has changed and how pushed out I feel. When i have broached this with him he has said he feels like he can’t talk to me about things, I have tried to encourage him to speak to a professional, but as of yet this has not happened. Yesterday he told me he needs to be on his own, yet we have a holiday booked in less than a week which we will still go on.
Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...