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Thread: 7 months later, I still love him

  1. #1
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    7 months later, I still love him

    Dear all,

    I am ashamed to say that 7 months after my break up, I still think about my ex constantly. He consumes most of my waking thoughts, and I wake in the night feeling so rejected, lost and lonely without him, hence I am asking for help.

    In a nutshell, we were together for 3 years, both from Scotland but moved near London a year into our relationship when he got a job here. We lived separately (the intention was to move in together eventually but that never happened). Our living and life situations were vastly different: he ended up living with 5 young professionals who regularly went out drinking and did everything together (was kind of incestuous: they would sometimes wake up in each others beds) whereas I lived alone and worked from home so had very few friends around me. In addition, the first year we were down here, my father passed away from a very horrible illness and so I was grieving and depressed. My ex was of little support: treating me like my emotional difficulties were burdensome and got in the way of his social life. In fact, a week after my dad died, he told me I was 'no fun anymore'. Charming, right?!

    Fast forward to last November, and my ex had become so distant: coming round to my flat and sitting on his phone texting all night, showing no affection towards me and even telling me 'I won't be seeing you this weekend because I have plans with the flatmates every night'. While at first I was welcome to join their activities, I was gradually pushed out (presumably because I don't drink or take drugs). I was increasingly alone in the context of what was once a loving relationship. When we lived up North, my ex was loving, caring. It was like we were in our own little bubble. He would bring dinner and flowers round and we would sit entwined watching films all night. Now, we were so disconnected and hadn't had sex in a year. He would tell me I was needy and codependent, yet would say things like 'I wish more girls would find me attractive' which would make even the most secure girlfriend a bit annoyed.

    Anyway, in November, he suggested that I might be happier apart from him. It wasn't the first time he had passively suggested breaking up, and this time I agreed. I had become so lonely and anxious in this relationship. We agreed to remain friends, but that was easier for him than me. The following day he let himself into my house and said we had a day planned together. He acted like everything was fine and then left me, crying on the bedroom floor to go out drinking with his flatmates. I found a love note he had written me when we first started dating, and sent him a pic of it saying it made me feel sad and nostalgic, to which he replied 'haha'. I realised that we were on completely different pages. And the famous time when we met to exchange Christmas gifts in January when he told me I had gone down in his priority list, which is why he hadn't been in touch. That ruined me. I have been NC since that day, almost 5 months ago, except for one text from him on the anniversary of my dad's death.

    The thing is, I can't get him out of my head. Why did he change so much, from perfect boyfriend to A-hole who prioritised drinking and partying above his girlfriend who would do anything for him? I still love him so much and feel I would do anything for him. My heart absolutely aches for him. It's not logical. He hurt me time and time again. I have written a pro/ con list which is 98% con and 2% pro, yet I long for him and just want to hold him. I have made more friends down here though I intend to move back to Scotland, yet still spend 80% of my time alone. I am recovering from a small surgical procedure at the moment so can't get out much, and I'm sure this isn't helping. Yet I think of him constantly. I feel at the moment I will never get over this.

    Any help or advice would be so much appreciated.

    xxx

  2. #2
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    Iím assuming you are both early 20ís?
    He moved to London for experience, not just work but life.
    And he enjoyed the party lifestyle that followed.
    You didnít.

    This is merely incompatibility not that he or you did anything wrong.
    You simply arenít meant to be together. Thatís all.

    If the lifestyle in Scotland suits you better then thatís where you should be.

  3. #3
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    I'm 34, he is 28. The difference in age certainly wasn't an impediment at the beginning of our relationship but he displayed a lot of immaturity towards the end. I had no idea that he would be moving for the party lifestyle, I don't think this was his intention at all but he seemed to fall into it as a result of the people he lived with. You're right that we are incompatible, in almost every way possible. Yet that doesn't stop me feeling this pull to him; a bond I would very much like to break for good.

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    He didnít fall into anything as a result of people he lived with.
    He liked the people he lived with and enjoyed the lifestyle.
    You didnít. Thatís the obvious incompatibility.

    He likely didnít need to move for work but wanted to. And his want extended beyond work reasons. He selfishly allowed you to move there too as a safety net but without any commitment. Essentially you helped that move to be an easy one for him.

    There is no bond or tie. You are free to do whatever you want , what do you want?

  5.  

  6. #5
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    You're so right. He was discontented by the lack of career options up north and encouraged me to move further away from my family at a critical time, in the hopes of progressing a relationship which he had little investment in beyond massaging his ego/ using me as a safety net. I guess I'm to blame for my decision to move for what I thought was a committed partner. In moving, there was an imbalance: I moved to be with him, he moved to pursue his own goals, thereby asserting his independence outside the bounds of the relationship. I hope in the future, I spot red flags more quickly. As for what I want to do...I'm unsure at the moment. This needs some reflection. I have found solace in exercise and a complete overhaul of my diet so this is my focus now xx

  7. #6
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    You never created your own identity outside of that relationship. That by no means means that you created the breakup, but it certainly made you feel more isolated. Based on your post I do think you guys just drifted apart...and it sounds as though you weird just in different fazes of your life. He still wanted to party and you were ready to settle down. I think you feel stuck because no one actually ever did anything extremely hurtful and you still see potential. The thing is that he did abondon you when you really needed him...and you in a sense are hoping he realizes it. Thatís how I view it.

    There is nothing wrong with thinking of him...but truthfully itís getting you nowhere. Think of him in a way that motivates you to better yourself....as in being a better version of yourself than the last time you were together. Moving back to Scotland will probably help so you can reset your memory button.

    Keep us posted...

  8. #7
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    Thank you JA0371. It's amazing getting different perspectives on this as it's difficult to see beyond how I'm feeling at times, but you've definitely shed some light on it. Yes, I experienced his potential at the beginning of the relationship: when he was loving and attentive. When we moved down South, his focus drifted outside the relationship whereas mine remained fully, unfalteringly within it, and still does to an extent even though it no longer exists. Crazy, isn't it?! If I sensed that all he wanted to do was drink and party, I would never have got into a relationship with him, but he wasn't like that at the beginning.

    You are right that he abandoned me when I needed him. I felt very alone, and am re-living that now, grieving his loss as well as my dad's. I will work on bettering myself before finding a new partner, hopefully one who is on the same page.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    I donít think youíve actually really felt real anger toward him either....which is a big part of the healing process. Somehow you got stuck in the sad phase. Let yourself finish the grieving process. Posting here will help you see him in a different light...believe me...

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by JA0371
    I donít think youíve actually really felt real anger toward him either....which is a big part of the healing process. Somehow you got stuck in the sad phase. Let yourself finish the grieving process. Posting here will help you see him in a different light...believe me...
    This is what I'm hoping for. And you're right. I rarely feel anger. It's expressed internally. I feel a lot of anxiety but anger is pretty alien to me. I've always internalised other people's BS.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    It does take a long time to recover from a lengthy relationship, but after 7 months, the fact that every minute of the day you still think of him means you made him the sole center of your universe, hence his feelings you were needy.

    If you don't have a support system of friends, make it a goal to meet people you share a passion with, such as a hobby/interest you might enjoy. Learn to enjoy your solo time and pamper yourself. Retrain your brain. Whenever you begin thinking of him, stop yourself: "That's my past and it's over." Then get busy with something that'll have you thinking of the present.

    When you have a fulfilling life solo, only then will you be ready to share your joy with someone, instead of someone being the sole reason for your joy. Take care.

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