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7 months later, I still love him


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Dear all,

 

I am ashamed to say that 7 months after my break up, I still think about my ex constantly. He consumes most of my waking thoughts, and I wake in the night feeling so rejected, lost and lonely without him, hence I am asking for help.

 

In a nutshell, we were together for 3 years, both from Scotland but moved near London a year into our relationship when he got a job here. We lived separately (the intention was to move in together eventually but that never happened). Our living and life situations were vastly different: he ended up living with 5 young professionals who regularly went out drinking and did everything together (was kind of incestuous: they would sometimes wake up in each others beds) whereas I lived alone and worked from home so had very few friends around me. In addition, the first year we were down here, my father passed away from a very horrible illness and so I was grieving and depressed. My ex was of little support: treating me like my emotional difficulties were burdensome and got in the way of his social life. In fact, a week after my dad died, he told me I was 'no fun anymore'. Charming, right?!

 

Fast forward to last November, and my ex had become so distant: coming round to my flat and sitting on his phone texting all night, showing no affection towards me and even telling me 'I won't be seeing you this weekend because I have plans with the flatmates every night'. While at first I was welcome to join their activities, I was gradually pushed out (presumably because I don't drink or take drugs). I was increasingly alone in the context of what was once a loving relationship. When we lived up North, my ex was loving, caring. It was like we were in our own little bubble. He would bring dinner and flowers round and we would sit entwined watching films all night. Now, we were so disconnected and hadn't had sex in a year. He would tell me I was needy and codependent, yet would say things like 'I wish more girls would find me attractive' which would make even the most secure girlfriend a bit annoyed.

 

Anyway, in November, he suggested that I might be happier apart from him. It wasn't the first time he had passively suggested breaking up, and this time I agreed. I had become so lonely and anxious in this relationship. We agreed to remain friends, but that was easier for him than me. The following day he let himself into my house and said we had a day planned together. He acted like everything was fine and then left me, crying on the bedroom floor to go out drinking with his flatmates. I found a love note he had written me when we first started dating, and sent him a pic of it saying it made me feel sad and nostalgic, to which he replied 'haha'. I realised that we were on completely different pages. And the famous time when we met to exchange Christmas gifts in January when he told me I had gone down in his priority list, which is why he hadn't been in touch. That ruined me. I have been NC since that day, almost 5 months ago, except for one text from him on the anniversary of my dad's death.

 

The thing is, I can't get him out of my head. Why did he change so much, from perfect boyfriend to A-hole who prioritised drinking and partying above his girlfriend who would do anything for him? I still love him so much and feel I would do anything for him. My heart absolutely aches for him. It's not logical. He hurt me time and time again. I have written a pro/ con list which is 98% con and 2% pro, yet I long for him and just want to hold him. I have made more friends down here though I intend to move back to Scotland, yet still spend 80% of my time alone. I am recovering from a small surgical procedure at the moment so can't get out much, and I'm sure this isn't helping. Yet I think of him constantly. I feel at the moment I will never get over this.

 

Any help or advice would be so much appreciated.

 

xxx

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I’m assuming you are both early 20’s?

He moved to London for experience, not just work but life.

And he enjoyed the party lifestyle that followed.

You didn’t.

 

This is merely incompatibility not that he or you did anything wrong.

You simply aren’t meant to be together. That’s all.

 

If the lifestyle in Scotland suits you better then that’s where you should be.

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I'm 34, he is 28. The difference in age certainly wasn't an impediment at the beginning of our relationship but he displayed a lot of immaturity towards the end. I had no idea that he would be moving for the party lifestyle, I don't think this was his intention at all but he seemed to fall into it as a result of the people he lived with. You're right that we are incompatible, in almost every way possible. Yet that doesn't stop me feeling this pull to him; a bond I would very much like to break for good.

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He didn’t fall into anything as a result of people he lived with.

He liked the people he lived with and enjoyed the lifestyle.

You didn’t. That’s the obvious incompatibility.

 

He likely didn’t need to move for work but wanted to. And his want extended beyond work reasons. He selfishly allowed you to move there too as a safety net but without any commitment. Essentially you helped that move to be an easy one for him.

 

There is no bond or tie. You are free to do whatever you want , what do you want?

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You're so right. He was discontented by the lack of career options up north and encouraged me to move further away from my family at a critical time, in the hopes of progressing a relationship which he had little investment in beyond massaging his ego/ using me as a safety net. I guess I'm to blame for my decision to move for what I thought was a committed partner. In moving, there was an imbalance: I moved to be with him, he moved to pursue his own goals, thereby asserting his independence outside the bounds of the relationship. I hope in the future, I spot red flags more quickly. As for what I want to do...I'm unsure at the moment. This needs some reflection. I have found solace in exercise and a complete overhaul of my diet so this is my focus now xx

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You never created your own identity outside of that relationship. That by no means means that you created the breakup, but it certainly made you feel more isolated. Based on your post I do think you guys just drifted apart...and it sounds as though you weird just in different fazes of your life. He still wanted to party and you were ready to settle down. I think you feel stuck because no one actually ever did anything extremely hurtful and you still see potential. The thing is that he did abondon you when you really needed him...and you in a sense are hoping he realizes it. That’s how I view it.

 

There is nothing wrong with thinking of him...but truthfully it’s getting you nowhere. Think of him in a way that motivates you to better yourself....as in being a better version of yourself than the last time you were together. Moving back to Scotland will probably help so you can reset your memory button.

 

Keep us posted...

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Thank you JA0371. It's amazing getting different perspectives on this as it's difficult to see beyond how I'm feeling at times, but you've definitely shed some light on it. Yes, I experienced his potential at the beginning of the relationship: when he was loving and attentive. When we moved down South, his focus drifted outside the relationship whereas mine remained fully, unfalteringly within it, and still does to an extent even though it no longer exists. Crazy, isn't it?! If I sensed that all he wanted to do was drink and party, I would never have got into a relationship with him, but he wasn't like that at the beginning.

 

You are right that he abandoned me when I needed him. I felt very alone, and am re-living that now, grieving his loss as well as my dad's. I will work on bettering myself before finding a new partner, hopefully one who is on the same page.

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I don’t think you’ve actually really felt real anger toward him either....which is a big part of the healing process. Somehow you got stuck in the sad phase. Let yourself finish the grieving process. Posting here will help you see him in a different light...believe me...

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I don’t think you’ve actually really felt real anger toward him either....which is a big part of the healing process. Somehow you got stuck in the sad phase. Let yourself finish the grieving process. Posting here will help you see him in a different light...believe me...

 

This is what I'm hoping for. And you're right. I rarely feel anger. It's expressed internally. I feel a lot of anxiety but anger is pretty alien to me. I've always internalised other people's BS.

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It does take a long time to recover from a lengthy relationship, but after 7 months, the fact that every minute of the day you still think of him means you made him the sole center of your universe, hence his feelings you were needy.

 

If you don't have a support system of friends, make it a goal to meet people you share a passion with, such as a hobby/interest you might enjoy. Learn to enjoy your solo time and pamper yourself. Retrain your brain. Whenever you begin thinking of him, stop yourself: "That's my past and it's over." Then get busy with something that'll have you thinking of the present.

 

When you have a fulfilling life solo, only then will you be ready to share your joy with someone, instead of someone being the sole reason for your joy. Take care.

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Thank you guys. Yes, it's a slow, arduous process. Sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back (like today). Other days, I realise without doubt why we are not meant to be. It just hurts. I realise I need to focus on myself, pamper myself and build connections, all of which I'm doing, but you're right. It takes time xx

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Yes, I experienced his potential at the beginning of the relationship: when he was loving and attentive.

 

Hi Jen,

 

These are just random thoughts from my own experiences...it doesn't mean they apply to you, but maybe...

 

- You didn't experience his "true potential" in the beginning...you experienced the mask we all wear when we meet someone new. We present a lie to everyone that is the best version of ourselves. Once we get comfortable with that person, the mask starts slipping. His TRUE self is the one you think is 90% con.

 

- You guys got in a rut...stale...boring. Unable to communicate your needs or keep things fresh. You're inexperienced about relationships and not capable of understanding how to interpret people's actions and words correctly. Read up on this so it never happens again!

 

- It's okay to feel heart broken..even for a long time :-) Don't beat yourself up over that. But you have to start working on yourself to phase him out. Start volunteering...do things that make you feel good about yourself. Stop talking about him, purge all his memories...don't remind yourself of him. Each time you do, is like picking a scab - it has to heal all over again.

 

- Both of you might have issues that prevented you from being in a healthy relationship. You'll never know his, but you can learn about yourself from therapy. Dig into things...why you stayed with someone who is no good for you. Why you put up with things when you weren't happy. It's probably due to low self esteem and isolating yourself.

 

Good luck Jen :-)

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Hi Jen,

 

These are just random thoughts from my own experiences...it doesn't mean they apply to you, but maybe...

 

- You didn't experience his "true potential" in the beginning...you experienced the mask we all wear when we meet someone new. We present a lie to everyone that is the best version of ourselves. Once we get comfortable with that person, the mask starts slipping. His TRUE self is the one you think is 90% con.

 

- You guys got in a rut...stale...boring. Unable to communicate your needs or keep things fresh. You're inexperienced about relationships and not capable of understanding how to interpret people's actions and words correctly. Read up on this so it never happens again!

 

- It's okay to feel heart broken..even for a long time :-) Don't beat yourself up over that. But you have to start working on yourself to phase him out. Start volunteering...do things that make you feel good about yourself. Stop talking about him, purge all his memories...don't remind yourself of him. Each time you do, is like picking a scab - it has to heal all over again.

 

- Both of you might have issues that prevented you from being in a healthy relationship. You'll never know his, but you can learn about yourself from therapy. Dig into things...why you stayed with someone who is no good for you. Why you put up with things when you weren't happy. It's probably due to low self esteem and isolating yourself.

 

Good luck Jen :-)

 

Thank you Cinder. Such powerful words. My ex was a master at mask wearing. He would often get so frustrated at wearing a mask that it would slip and he'd have a few days on his own, not speaking to anyone. The pressure of keeping up this façade got to him. When we broke up, my family and friends said 'but he was such a nice boy!' because he was INCREDIBLY good at putting on a social persona, making the other person feel like the only one in the room. As time went on, I began to see this as a game to get people to like him, and wasn't authentically who he was.

 

Yes, the rut was stale and boring. I tried to communicate with him and tell him I needed more. I told him the affection he showed me was no different to the affection he showed his housemates. I consider myself a good communicator but (and I don't mean to blame him, obviously I'm not perfect either), this only applies when the individual is willing to listen.

 

You're right, I need to get out more, volunteer etc. I am hoping that it will be easier once I heal from surgery and I'm more mobile. The current situation has kept me house bound and mind-bound for too long.

 

As for issues, yes. Absolutely. He grew up with an alcoholic father, I grew up with an abusive, abandoning one. We both have pain. The difference is he suppresses his and drinks to excess. I'm starting to look at mine. It's not easy but it's necessary. Low self-esteem is definitely a massive contributory factor and I'm learning that self-esteem is not a reflection of your worth, but rather a reflection of how you were treated by those pivotal characters in your childhood.

 

Thank you so much for your insights xx

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He doesn't respect you and I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. A decent human being would have broken up with you but he used you as a security net and kept you around to stroke his ego or he's just too much of a coward to face the music or your questions in breaking up with you. There are are different ways to tell when a relationship is at its end and yours points to all the telltale signs of the end of a relationship. He just pushed the limits until it broke you enough to want to do the dirty work of breaking up when he should have done it himself a long time ago, after realizing his feelings have changed or his lifestyle isn't compatible with yours.

 

He's using drugs and alcohol heavily so it doesn't seem like he's in the right headspace either and those are all warning signs. Think of your own future and whether you want to be around that. Or whether you want your children (if you're thinking of having them) around that.

 

I agree with the other members about shifting the focus back on you and forming your own support network outside of this relationship and developing your own reasons to stay in London (if you can think of any or have any). Now's the time for reflection, as you say, but don't be afraid to think of your present identity and your future self where you are right now or could be - in relation to your present geographic location and what it all means. Ground yourself and stay grounded until all those difficult emotions subside and don't internalize. Learn to let go. Recycle/compost the garbage when you're done processing. Don't hold on to it and don't hold on to festering emotions after the processing when there are just scraps left. Renew yourself and stay grounded.

 

Sending you lots of healing vibes for the recovery of your surgery. Practice healthier habits and turn to new hobbies while you're at home. Don't waste your time away. You can do so much better than this.

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He doesn't respect you and I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. A decent human being would have broken up with you but he used you as a security net and kept you around to stroke his ego or he's just too much of a coward to face the music or your questions in breaking up with you. There are are different ways to tell when a relationship is at its end and yours points to all the telltale signs of the end of a relationship. He just pushed the limits until it broke you enough to want to do the dirty work of breaking up when he should have done it himself a long time ago, after realizing his feelings have changed or his lifestyle isn't compatible with yours.

 

He's using drugs and alcohol heavily so it doesn't seem like he's in the right headspace either and those are all warning signs. Think of your own future and whether you want to be around that. Or whether you want your children (if you're thinking of having them) around that.

 

I agree with the other members about shifting the focus back on you and forming your own support network outside of this relationship and developing your own reasons to stay in London (if you can think of any or have any). Now's the time for reflection, as you say, but don't be afraid to think of your present identity and your future self where you are right now or could be - in relation to your present geographic location and what it all means. Ground yourself and stay grounded until all those difficult emotions subside and don't internalize. Learn to let go. Recycle/compost the garbage when you're done processing. Don't hold on to it and don't hold on to festering emotions after the processing when there are just scraps left. Renew yourself and stay grounded.

 

Sending you lots of healing vibes for the recovery of your surgery. Practice healthier habits and turn to new hobbies while you're at home. Don't waste your time away. You can do so much better than this.

 

Hi love,

This is true. He 'suggested' maybe we shouldn't be together a couple of months after my dad died. I was dreadfully depressed, burdened with grief and isolated. My bf was all I had, so I couldn't envisage losing him too. I begged him not to make me lose someone else I loved and promised to try harder. Of course, it wasn't for lack of trying. He just didn't want to have to deal with my difficult emotions, at least that's what I think.

 

I don't drink and am vegan so pretty health-conscious. He hits the gym then rewards himself with pie and beer. Yes, his lifestyle isn't compatible with mine. Then he started smoking weed and told me he intended to make it a regular occurrence. Thinking of the future, I definitely don't want to be around that but when you love someone, you can overlook a lot of things.

 

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. There is a bit of a hole in my heart where he used to be and I've been lingering on that loss rather than trying to fill it with my own hobbies and activities. xxx

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Also know that when you tell someone "I Can't bear to lose you..."

 

It SOUNDS romantic...lol...and it is...because we put our trust in someone...gave our hearts to someone...

 

but really...the other person hears "I'm weak, and need you to for me to be happy." It only drives them away.

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What do you love about him?

 

He treated you like crap for the majority of the relationship. You should have ended it long ago. He also sounds like a man child.

 

Are you still in touch with this guy?

 

I think that making your life fuller (volunteering, clubs that involve your interests, Meet Ups etc...) and moving back home will help.

 

Never make your life about another person.

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Going back to your first paragraph in your OP, don't be ashamed....Goodness, 7 months is not that long really. I've seen people still recovering for a lot longer than that, myself included*

 

Just continue putting one foot in front of the other and keep focusing on your healing. Put some short term and long term goals and plans in place. Take care of your health and eventually you will start to pull up*

 

Sending You Strength

 

Carus*

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He was not a different person up north. You just didn't know this aspect of his character that emerged when you moved to London. Different environments trigger different aspects of our characters. You couldn't predict this change unfortunately.

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He was not a different person up north. You just didn't know this aspect of his character that emerged when you moved to London. Different environments trigger different aspects of our character. You couldn't predict this change unfortunately.

 

Totally agree.

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What do you love about him?

 

He treated you like crap for the majority of the relationship. You should have ended it long ago. He also sounds like a man child.

 

Are you still in touch with this guy?

 

I think that making your life fuller (volunteering, clubs that involve your interests, Meet Ups etc...) and moving back home will help.

 

Never make your life about another person.

 

No, I haven't had any contact with him since January. He sent a text on the anniversary of my dad's death saying 'thinking of your family today' (very impersonal) to which I replied thank you, and that was it. Otherwise, been NC.

What do I love about him? That's a tricky one. I think it was more to do with the comfort and companionship we shared. I was comfortable with him, we had some laughs and I miss his cuddles. I know...not a solid basis for a relationship by any means!

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Hey there, Jen. Sorry to hear you're still in the spins a bit. Been there. Grieving these things is a strange process, non-linear. I'd say I spent the 7 months following my last breakup—also a 3 year relationship—in much the same shoes: there she was, always on my mind, scratching away, throwing my mind back on the treadmill through the ashes.

 

I have a slightly different take on things than some of what's been written, which I'll admit is informed by the bias of my own experiences and also my read on your language, how you frame this, very narrative-oriented, writerly. (Yes, I remember your vocation from past threads.) You might not love what I'm going to write, but know that it comes from a place of respect, and with the hope of nudging you an inch or two off that treadmill.

 

Anyhow, I don't believe what you're describing right now is "still loving" him. Or even, really, love. And when you can land on that—and land on what you are using the word "love" to keep buried in the closet of your head and heart—you'll find the freedom from this you're searching for and find yourself on a path toward something so much greater than you’ve known.

 

Because the "I still love him" stuff is a nice story, sad and destabilizing as it is. There is pain in it, but there is comfort. The comfort of tragic movies and songs, of being devoured and destroyed by the all-powerful force that is love. You get to be Anna Karenina, the heroine of an epic tale, rather than, you know, you.

 

Obsessing about him is easy, in short. It’s a coping mechanism, your version of drugs or booze, as I think he may have served that role a bit more over the past 3 years than you’d like to admit. It allows you to avoid turning the lens inward and asking what’s up with you to be obsessing about him—and, by extension, what’s up with you to have found yourself in this place at a point in life where society tells us we’re supposed to have figured it all out. That stuff is humbling, even temporarily humiliating. But there is value in it.

 

Here's a maybe more accurate, if wince-inducing, title to this thread: "7 months later, and my ego is still on fire." That demystifies things, the things you’re feeling, stops giving him power he does not have and never did. It makes this a story, or this chapter in it, not a story about love, but about your ego: how it responds to pain, how it lead you to get entangled with and attached to someone who did not make much sense, how it can use some taming.

 

Part of you still wants this to "make sense." You're replaying everything in your mind, shuffling the story around, assigning lofty meaning ("I still love him") to it all in part to sidestep viewing it—and yourself—under the unforgiving lights of the operating room. We can talk plenty about his shortcomings, but it's clear, from everything you've written, that you don't have much respect for this man, and, if I had to bet, you never really did. I don't think you ever believed he was really on your level—but, hey, dinners, flowers, spooning through a movie, and the general drug of feeling adored are all powerful forces. Good for the heart, sure, but really good for the ego. And your ego is in withdrawal right now.

 

That lovely era between you two—lovely but not so deep, a cursory shade of love even at its best—ended a long, long time ago. Or, put another way, proved itself to be kind of shallow a long, long time ago. The guy bringing you those flowers and so on—well, he was also a mid 20s dude whose interests pretty much began and ended with hanging with the mates, partying, skimming the surface of what life has to offer. And it didn't take long, in the scheme of things, for his truest self to poke through.

 

By then you were attached. To both him, some idea of what he represented, and to willing that idea into reality through gritted teeth in order to keep something else from surfacing. And so he became a mirror to a part of your truest self: the person who, along with your beautiful heart and sharp mind, has some unresolved pain lurking around that served as your navigator. I recall you being abandoned by your father, a pain I know very well personally. It’s worth asking, for instance, if in this man you found a proxy for that pain—someone with similar character defects with whom you could write a different story. A story of love instead of neglect, rather than a story of someone—you—who is still, at 34, a bit hardwired to confuse love with neglect.

 

In case I sound harsh or preachy, a personal story so you know I’m just writing here from the same trenches, covered in the sam muck.

 

That 3 year relations of mine? It had both a similar foundation and maturity gap. She was adoring and infatuated from minute one—younger than me, enamored of me, and it didn't hurt that she was preposterously beautiful by any and all standards and that our physical chemistry registered on Richter Scales. But gun to head, even at the best times, I think I would have readily confessed that I had real doubts about our connection, that I believed there was something more out there for me—and, by extension, for her too. Something richer, truer, than the thing we had. But, lo and behold, a few months became a few years and that temporary chapter of my life was my life.

 

When things got bad I rendered myself a tragic hero, first trying to make them right while eating pain for dinner in much the way I'd lived off affection earlier. When that failed—when it ended, when she grabbed the wheel from me and steered things toward the end in a vicious ways—I was the Saddest Man to Walk the Earth. Devoured and destroyed by love, and so forth. I did love her, sure, but I did not respect her. By which I don’t mean I treated her horribly and believed her to be "lesser" than me, but that our connection was not based on respect. If anything, the opposite. In her I found someone who validated—first through affection, later through pain—the parts of myself that I didn't respect. When it all ended those parts were exposed—and, like any nerve that gets exposed, it hurt. I did not want to see those things, since they challenged my idea of myself, of where I actually was on my journey and evolution.

 

Simply put, I was shallower than I thought I was and my desire to make her—and what we shared—deeper than it was was a way to avoid acknowledging that.

 

Once I started seeing it along those lines—seeing the pain and ruminating less triggered by her and love than by what she stirred up—something shifted. Humility conquered, became the navigator. I was 37. I had lost. Lost the plot, lost control. So it goes. Blank page for a new story, a truer one. I dug into the pipes, scraped away some corrosion. Lots of daddy stuff. Ugh. Not fun. But somewhere along the way something happened: I found a greater respect for myself than I’d had in the past—a respect not only for the obvious things that make me worthy on, say, a dating app profile, but for my more fragile corners. There was power in that, a soft kind of power I really didn’t know was in me. I learned to cherish the parts of myself I’d shunned, neglected, and started moving toward people who could cherish them back.

 

I could end all that with a pretty happy story, telling you about where I am today, two years later, and the relationship I've been in for the past 5 months, how different it is, how it is a sense of shared respect, rather than flowers and cuddling, that make it so electric. There would be some truth to that, sure, but it would also be a Hallmark card. Too simple. My girlfriend is not a reward for my journey and my work, nor is she an escape hatch from the work I've still got to do, the journey I'm on. She is not a plug to my void. She is a person, layered and complicated in ways that are familiar and foreign, just as I am layered in ways that are familiar and foreign, to her and to myself.

 

And it's seeing it like that, I think, that is the real reward. A clearing of my lenses, a shift in the paradigm. Some heartache lead me here—not just my last relationship, but the heartache of life it stirred up and taught me to look at clearly.

 

I just wrote a little novel, didn't I? I'm tempted to delete it, but I'll post it anyway. I hope there's a word or two in here that helps. Feel whatever you need to feel right now. It's okay. You're moving toward something profound, are already there. It's hard and lonesome, I know, but you are getting stronger right now.

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Going back to your first paragraph in your OP, don't be ashamed....Goodness, 7 months is not that long really. I've seen people still recovering for a lot longer than that, myself included*

 

Just continue putting one foot in front of the other and keep focusing on your healing. Put some short term and long term goals and plans in place. Take care of your health and eventually you will start to pull up*

 

Sending You Strength

 

Carus*

 

Thank you Carus. I've been told it takes 2 years to get over someone. Ouch. I really hoped it would be better by now, and it is on the whole, but there are times when I miss him dreadfully.

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He was not a different person up north. You just didn't know this aspect of his character that emerged when you moved to London. Different environments trigger different aspects of our characters. You couldn't predict this change unfortunately.

 

This is so true. We had mutual friends up north. He didn't really have the same opportunity to party like he does in London. You're right that this change couldn't have been predicted. Does make me wonder how well you really know your partner though.

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