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Thread: 7 months later, I still love him

  1. #11
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    Grieve for what was, grieve for your dad (my condolences), and I think as another suggested--go home to where you really want to be.

    Hang in there!

  2. #12
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    Thank you guys. Yes, it's a slow, arduous process. Sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back (like today). Other days, I realise without doubt why we are not meant to be. It just hurts. I realise I need to focus on myself, pamper myself and build connections, all of which I'm doing, but you're right. It takes time xx

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by jenberry
    Yes, I experienced his potential at the beginning of the relationship: when he was loving and attentive.
    Hi Jen,

    These are just random thoughts from my own experiences...it doesn't mean they apply to you, but maybe...

    - You didn't experience his "true potential" in the beginning...you experienced the mask we all wear when we meet someone new. We present a lie to everyone that is the best version of ourselves. Once we get comfortable with that person, the mask starts slipping. His TRUE self is the one you think is 90% con.

    - You guys got in a rut...stale...boring. Unable to communicate your needs or keep things fresh. You're inexperienced about relationships and not capable of understanding how to interpret people's actions and words correctly. Read up on this so it never happens again!

    - It's okay to feel heart broken..even for a long time :-) Don't beat yourself up over that. But you have to start working on yourself to phase him out. Start volunteering...do things that make you feel good about yourself. Stop talking about him, purge all his memories...don't remind yourself of him. Each time you do, is like picking a scab - it has to heal all over again.

    - Both of you might have issues that prevented you from being in a healthy relationship. You'll never know his, but you can learn about yourself from therapy. Dig into things...why you stayed with someone who is no good for you. Why you put up with things when you weren't happy. It's probably due to low self esteem and isolating yourself.

    Good luck Jen :-)

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Cinder
    Hi Jen,

    These are just random thoughts from my own experiences...it doesn't mean they apply to you, but maybe...

    - You didn't experience his "true potential" in the beginning...you experienced the mask we all wear when we meet someone new. We present a lie to everyone that is the best version of ourselves. Once we get comfortable with that person, the mask starts slipping. His TRUE self is the one you think is 90% con.

    - You guys got in a rut...stale...boring. Unable to communicate your needs or keep things fresh. You're inexperienced about relationships and not capable of understanding how to interpret people's actions and words correctly. Read up on this so it never happens again!

    - It's okay to feel heart broken..even for a long time :-) Don't beat yourself up over that. But you have to start working on yourself to phase him out. Start volunteering...do things that make you feel good about yourself. Stop talking about him, purge all his memories...don't remind yourself of him. Each time you do, is like picking a scab - it has to heal all over again.

    - Both of you might have issues that prevented you from being in a healthy relationship. You'll never know his, but you can learn about yourself from therapy. Dig into things...why you stayed with someone who is no good for you. Why you put up with things when you weren't happy. It's probably due to low self esteem and isolating yourself.

    Good luck Jen :-)
    Thank you Cinder. Such powerful words. My ex was a master at mask wearing. He would often get so frustrated at wearing a mask that it would slip and he'd have a few days on his own, not speaking to anyone. The pressure of keeping up this faÁade got to him. When we broke up, my family and friends said 'but he was such a nice boy!' because he was INCREDIBLY good at putting on a social persona, making the other person feel like the only one in the room. As time went on, I began to see this as a game to get people to like him, and wasn't authentically who he was.

    Yes, the rut was stale and boring. I tried to communicate with him and tell him I needed more. I told him the affection he showed me was no different to the affection he showed his housemates. I consider myself a good communicator but (and I don't mean to blame him, obviously I'm not perfect either), this only applies when the individual is willing to listen.

    You're right, I need to get out more, volunteer etc. I am hoping that it will be easier once I heal from surgery and I'm more mobile. The current situation has kept me house bound and mind-bound for too long.

    As for issues, yes. Absolutely. He grew up with an alcoholic father, I grew up with an abusive, abandoning one. We both have pain. The difference is he suppresses his and drinks to excess. I'm starting to look at mine. It's not easy but it's necessary. Low self-esteem is definitely a massive contributory factor and I'm learning that self-esteem is not a reflection of your worth, but rather a reflection of how you were treated by those pivotal characters in your childhood.

    Thank you so much for your insights xx

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He doesn't respect you and I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. A decent human being would have broken up with you but he used you as a security net and kept you around to stroke his ego or he's just too much of a coward to face the music or your questions in breaking up with you. There are are different ways to tell when a relationship is at its end and yours points to all the telltale signs of the end of a relationship. He just pushed the limits until it broke you enough to want to do the dirty work of breaking up when he should have done it himself a long time ago, after realizing his feelings have changed or his lifestyle isn't compatible with yours.

    He's using drugs and alcohol heavily so it doesn't seem like he's in the right headspace either and those are all warning signs. Think of your own future and whether you want to be around that. Or whether you want your children (if you're thinking of having them) around that.

    I agree with the other members about shifting the focus back on you and forming your own support network outside of this relationship and developing your own reasons to stay in London (if you can think of any or have any). Now's the time for reflection, as you say, but don't be afraid to think of your present identity and your future self where you are right now or could be - in relation to your present geographic location and what it all means. Ground yourself and stay grounded until all those difficult emotions subside and don't internalize. Learn to let go. Recycle/compost the garbage when you're done processing. Don't hold on to it and don't hold on to festering emotions after the processing when there are just scraps left. Renew yourself and stay grounded.

    Sending you lots of healing vibes for the recovery of your surgery. Practice healthier habits and turn to new hobbies while you're at home. Don't waste your time away. You can do so much better than this.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    He doesn't respect you and I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. A decent human being would have broken up with you but he used you as a security net and kept you around to stroke his ego or he's just too much of a coward to face the music or your questions in breaking up with you. There are are different ways to tell when a relationship is at its end and yours points to all the telltale signs of the end of a relationship. He just pushed the limits until it broke you enough to want to do the dirty work of breaking up when he should have done it himself a long time ago, after realizing his feelings have changed or his lifestyle isn't compatible with yours.

    He's using drugs and alcohol heavily so it doesn't seem like he's in the right headspace either and those are all warning signs. Think of your own future and whether you want to be around that. Or whether you want your children (if you're thinking of having them) around that.

    I agree with the other members about shifting the focus back on you and forming your own support network outside of this relationship and developing your own reasons to stay in London (if you can think of any or have any). Now's the time for reflection, as you say, but don't be afraid to think of your present identity and your future self where you are right now or could be - in relation to your present geographic location and what it all means. Ground yourself and stay grounded until all those difficult emotions subside and don't internalize. Learn to let go. Recycle/compost the garbage when you're done processing. Don't hold on to it and don't hold on to festering emotions after the processing when there are just scraps left. Renew yourself and stay grounded.

    Sending you lots of healing vibes for the recovery of your surgery. Practice healthier habits and turn to new hobbies while you're at home. Don't waste your time away. You can do so much better than this.
    Hi love,
    This is true. He 'suggested' maybe we shouldn't be together a couple of months after my dad died. I was dreadfully depressed, burdened with grief and isolated. My bf was all I had, so I couldn't envisage losing him too. I begged him not to make me lose someone else I loved and promised to try harder. Of course, it wasn't for lack of trying. He just didn't want to have to deal with my difficult emotions, at least that's what I think.

    I don't drink and am vegan so pretty health-conscious. He hits the gym then rewards himself with pie and beer. Yes, his lifestyle isn't compatible with mine. Then he started smoking weed and told me he intended to make it a regular occurrence. Thinking of the future, I definitely don't want to be around that but when you love someone, you can overlook a lot of things.

    Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. There is a bit of a hole in my heart where he used to be and I've been lingering on that loss rather than trying to fill it with my own hobbies and activities. xxx

  8. #17
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    Also know that when you tell someone "I Can't bear to lose you..."

    It SOUNDS romantic...lol...and it is...because we put our trust in someone...gave our hearts to someone...

    but really...the other person hears "I'm weak, and need you to for me to be happy." It only drives them away.

  9. #18
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    What do you love about him?

    He treated you like crap for the majority of the relationship. You should have ended it long ago. He also sounds like a man child.

    Are you still in touch with this guy?

    I think that making your life fuller (volunteering, clubs that involve your interests, Meet Ups etc...) and moving back home will help.

    Never make your life about another person.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-07-2019 at 12:36 PM.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Going back to your first paragraph in your OP, don't be ashamed....Goodness, 7 months is not that long really. I've seen people still recovering for a lot longer than that, myself included*

    Just continue putting one foot in front of the other and keep focusing on your healing. Put some short term and long term goals and plans in place. Take care of your health and eventually you will start to pull up*

    Sending You Strength

    Carus*

  11. #20
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    He was not a different person up north. You just didn't know this aspect of his character that emerged when you moved to London. Different environments trigger different aspects of our characters. You couldn't predict this change unfortunately.

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