Am I to blame

Ive been dating this guy I met online for a year. The relationship started out rocky and continued. He sees me when he wants to.. though the year he said he is in love with me , wanted to have a family and marriage... By saying this he still blocked me once a month over things I beleive is so petty.

 

It's started as i don't have time for a relationship, lied to me about his age, lied to me he had a child, left to interstate cause he had an old head injury as his mind is not clear, never through the relastionship he let me know where he lived and never introduce me to his friends. I stood by him and accepted all his wrongs.. but what cut the chase is when he message me telling me he like a girl at work it just happen...

 

I've blocked and removed his details but still miss him.. and I doing something so wrong in live to be treated by someone I thought would be the one ?

 

Need some advice.

I don't think this is a good situation for you. The only thing wrong you're doing is sinking so low to allow yourself to be treated so badly by anyone. If you don't have time for a relationship, acknowledge that and don't make bad decisions or decisions that compromise your health or wellbeing in the long run. You are the one who gets to make those decisions for yourself.

You are definitely not to blame. He doesn't sound like a reliable and honest person. And, to top it all, he is a liar regarding some major things. Red flag, IMO. You don't need someone like him in your life. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect and love. I admire you for blocking him and getting out of this toxic situation. Bravo! Don't contact him again - ever. If he really loved you, he wouldn't hide all those things from you and he wouldn't treat you in such terrible ways. Plus, who knows what else he's hiding? He is a total jerk.

What you are doing wrong is tolerating this kind of behavior just because this guy dangled the marriage carrot in front of your nose. If you really want marriage and kids, better raise your standards and don't waste your time on liars and losers. Learn how to weed this kind of garbage out long before you get attached and kicking them to the curb becomes hard.

 

Respect yourself more. Remember that people will treat you however you allow it. When you tolerate this kind of garbage behavior, you get treated accordingly. Learn to walk away quickly.

Please read articles and/or read books on how to build a healthy self-esteem. If you don't, you will continue to choose lowlifes instead of a man who is worthy of you. We subconsciously choose people who we think we deserve. I'm glad you finally had a breaking point, but you really should have left at the first sign you weren't a priority, and any other behaviors that should've been dealbreakers to you.

 

Be alone until you learn to be happy solo and your self-worth has improved. Take care.

 

I stood by him and accepted all his wrongs..

 

I disagree with some of the others, I think, in part, you are to blame.

 

Why?

 

He treated you like garbage, but yet you accepted all of it.

 

That's on you, and as a result he lost all respect for you.

 

Don't get me wrong the guy's a d-bag for how he treated you, but it's important to learn when you have no boundaries and allow a man to treat you the way he treated you, you cannot possibly expect him to respect you.

 

Which in his mind gives him license to continue his bad behavior, including stringing you along, until he finds a woman who is strong enough to say NO, this is not acceptable! Which may include ending the relationship altogether.

 

She is the woman he will respect and will treat with respect. Assuming they remain together.

 

I am sorry if that sounded harsh and I am sorry you're hurting. But going forward, please do not ever allow a man to treat you this way again.

 

He won't respect you, and when a man stops respecting you, you can pretty much kiss the relationship goodbye.

I totally agree with Katrina. The OP IS to blame.

 

Why on earth would you accept his lying and mistreatment of you? Who would do that? You need to work on your self-esteem and not allow people to treat you like that.

I know the feeling of wanting to feel loved and accepted and sometimes we are taught to "accept others, faults and all". Accepting has to do with accepting our neighbor even though they might be differet than us, vs allowing bad behavior and unwisely choosing that person to be the person closest to us. Please love yourself and walk away for good

Blaming someone with low self esteem, never helps. "Tough love" doesn't work for everyone, honestly I don't think it works for most. But what I'm sure of, is that it works for people with self confidence, because that's "tough Love's" target. You have to have some ego for someone to provoke it.

 

OP, yes you need to work on yourself so you'll avoid guys like this in the future, but it wasn't your fault this didn't work out, it's his. If you valued yourself more, you'd just ditch him way sooner.

 

I'm saying this because I've been in tons of disfunctional relationships, always satisfied with breadcrumbs and all that sh*tty behavior. Since I've been in therapy, things are getting a lot better. You learn to set boundaries, you get your self worth/confidence/esteem higher and you don't settle for less.

It’s not the OPs fault. She was giving him the benefit of the doubt and tried to overlook the negative. We’ve all been there before.

 

I agree with Cope. Therapy will help to learn more about yourself and keeping toxic people away.

I agree with Katrina as well: When you (the general you) keep doing the same thing and expecting different results then you are to blame for allowing yourself to be treated poorly. Not the first time you are mistreated perhaps but certainly the second time the same thing happens. One must look within and figure out what is missing in you (the general you) if you allow someone to mistreat the same way over and over again.

 

Op: What kind of a childhood did you have growing up? Did you have a good relationship with your father? How are you and your mother?

 

Please look into therapy to help you figure out why you allowed this mistreatment from him for yourself.

 

I stood by him and accepted all his wrongs.

Standing by someone who has wronged you like he did isn't a good quality... you leave them, not stand by them. He lied to you, ghosted you, didn't introduce you to friends/family. It is a sign of codependency to stand by someone who mistreats you over and over again.. This guy was probably still married or otherwise committed since he never had you to his place and never integrated you into his personal life.

 

Please don't date again until you figure out what it is tht is missing in you. You deserve to be with a good man that loves and respects you but first you have to learn to love and respect yourself and garner the confidence to quickly dump men who aren't valuing you.

I stick to what I said earlier -- OP is partly to blame.

 

I'm sorry if that sounds too harsh to some, but I believe in owning one's role, and in OP's case, owning her role in the toxic and unhealthy dynamic they had developed together throughout their year-long relationship.

 

If one doesn't own their role, then how in the world can they learn from it? Develop healthier and more productive ways of communicating, interacting and earning each other's mutual respect and love?

 

OP admitted she accepted all his "wrongs." Guy literally treated her like garbage and she said nothing. She, like many women with low self-esteem, shuffled it under the rug, "made nice," pretended everything was okay.

 

This is extremely unhealthy to say the least! I can't speak for the OP (and OP I apologize that I am speaking of you in the third person), but my guess is she mistakenly believed she was "scoring points" with him by remaining quiet, never speaking up, never challenging him and "making nice," and being rewarded for that with his love.

 

However, that's not how it works. Because what ultimately happened, which is typical in a situation like this, is the exact opposite -- he lost respect for her, which in his twisted mind gave him license to continue the poor behavior.

 

So yes, she is partly to blame, and to suggest she isn't is doing her a great disservice imo. Blame simply meaning taking responsibility for herself, her mistakes and her own role in this toxic mess, and why he left.

 

This is how we learn; by making mistakes, owning our role, taking responsibility and taking appropriate steps to be better in our next relationship and hopefully treated with the respect and kindness we deserve.

 

OP, you only made the one post so not sure if you'll be back to respond or if you're even reading. But I hope you are reading, and taking something from what each of us has posted and learning from it.

 

Again I am sorry you're hurting and I wish you the best of luck as you move forward on your journey.

I'd rep you, Katrina but I guess it's like peanut butter... I gotta spread it around some. ;)

@katrina1980 , I'm mostly against the wording. "Owning" your behavior is different than "it's your fault". And I'm reading this as a person who has/had a behavior like Summer11's ( I apologise too for the third person).

 

I'm working on my self esteem, but if I was to read that it was my fault, no matter how good the advice actually is (and it is), I'd translate it to "it's my fault AGAIN, I'm worthless" and so on. Edit: which would probably have the opposite effect, with me trying to cover his needs even more and repeating the same behavior so I won't lose him. I know it sounds weird.

 

If I was a person with self respect and someone told me "it's your fault! You let him treat you like a doormat!" I'd be shocked and it would really work on me, because I would never thought myself as a doormat. But I already think I'm a doormat and treat me as such, so adding to that doesn't help. Of course, everyone is different. But it's amazing how two people can read the same advice and take it in completely different ways.

Edit: bottom line is that she's getting some good advice and I really hope she follows it! I also have to spread my love around, it's peanut butter jelly time!😂

 

 

@Summer11 like I said in my previous post, even if you had the courage to speak up and set your boundaries, that wouldn't make him a better person or treat you better. You'd just get out of it earlier. Once you start therapy there will be a point where you wouldn't even be attracted to guys like this, I promise. It takes time, but it's totally worth it.

@Summer11 like I said in my previous post, even if you had the courage to speak up and set your boundaries, that wouldn't make him a better person or treat you better. You'd just get out of it earlier. Once you start therapy there will be a point where you wouldn't even be attracted to guys like this, I promise. It takes time, but it's totally worth it.

I agree with that Cope.

 

Try to get yourself into therapy to help you with your boundaries and love of self, Summer.

@katrina1980 , I'm mostly against the wording. "Owning" your behavior is different than "it's your fault". And I'm reading this as a person who has/had a behavior like Summer11's ( I apologise too for the third person).

 

I'm working on my self esteem, but if I was to read that it was my fault, no matter how good the advice actually is (and it is), I'd translate it to "it's my fault AGAIN, I'm worthless" and so on.

 

If I was a person with self respect and someone told me "it's your fault! You let him treat you like a doormat!" I'd be shocked and it would really work on me, because I would never thought myself as a doormat. But I already think I'm a doormat and treat me as such, so adding to that doesn't help. Of course, everyone is different. But it's amazing how two people can read the same advice and take it in completely different ways.

 

@Summer11 like I said in my previous post, even if you had the courage to speak up and set your boundaries, that wouldn't make him a better person or treat you better. You'd just get out of it earlier. Once you start therapy there will be a point where you wouldn't even be attracted to guys like this, I promise. It takes time, but it's totally worth it.

 

Cope, I did not read where anyone said it was her fault, did I miss something?

 

She asked if she was to blame, and yes imo, she was, at least partially for the reasons explained. So was he, obviously.

 

I also didn't read where anyone advised that she should stand up for herself and set appropriate boundaries to make him a better person, but I disagree that had she done so, it would not have changed the outcome.

 

I think her setting boundaries, standing up for herself, and not tolerating or accepting such abhorrent treatment may very well have changed the outcome, and resulted in him treating her better -- he would have respected her. Which in some cases can make a world of difference in how a woman is treated.

 

Or maybe not, it's hard to know without knowing the type of person he is; only that it's possible it would have made a difference.

 

Look, I'm not letting him off the hook, or suggesting he is blameless, he treated her horribly!

 

But it takes two to make a RL and two to break it, imo. Meaning they're both to blame, and they should both own their respective roles.

 

That's all I'm saying. If you don't agree, I totally respect that! :)

@katrina1980 keep in mind that I'm reading the advice as a person that has exhibited such behavior. This is a great example as to what my point is. I read "blame" as "fault". I can only speak for myself, but I assume that other people with low self worth probably have the same problem.

 

 

***Edit to clarify: we tend to see things in the most negative way possible, especially when it comes to us. Hence, I read blame as fault and in general, saw most advice as attacking Summer11, but when I re read it, it's quite far from that. Weird, I know. This is what I'm talking about.

 

 

The advice given is excellent.

 

About changing a person's behavior towards us, it happens yes, but a shady person is always a shady person, if she set her boundaries and he accepted them, it would probably be for a short time, then he'd probably get tired of it and call it nagging or something, then she would've left.

 

Good people treat people good. Men's behavior, since you mentioned genders, doesn't depend on how women treat them, (true we don't know the guy, but we are talking about a guy that hid the fact that he has a child. No amount of boundaries would fix that). Men don't magically change if they find the "right woman". I know you didn't mean it that way, I'm taking it a but further to make a point because I keep seeing women being blamed for men's behavior and well, I don't like it. Women are not responsible for men's behavior. /Feminist rant off.

And yes it takes two to tango of course. As for the wording, I'd like to call behavior like this (and mine) as being an "enabler".

@Cope I like what you said about "good people treat people good." I very much agree with that!

 

There are so many ways one can perceive the situation, so many different nuances. For example, if this were me and the man I was seeing behaved this way, he would be GONE. No question. I would never tolerate that, not to teach him any sort of lesson, or make him a better person, I would simply be turned off.

 

And I wasn't always this way either, I accepted a lot of bs back in my younger years, including in my last long term relationship with my ex, which ended in late 2015. Man I was a huge "doormat" in retrospect. Totally owning that!

 

But I have since learned, through experience, by reading and by being given the same advice, in the same way, that I advised the OP.

 

Re "blame," in my defense I did explain how I was defining it, but I apologize if you took offense. That was certainly not my intention, I hope you know that.

 

Men don't magically change if they find the "right woman". I know you didn't mean it that way, I'm taking it a but further to make a point because I keep seeing women being blamed for men's behavior and well, I don't like it. Women are not responsible for men's behavior. /Feminist rant off.

 

TBH, I need to think about this^. I know for a fact my boyfriend "changed" when he met me. Well actually, not sure whether it was me per se, or more that he had been through A LOT, had learned and grown, and it was just the "right" time.

 

Or perhaps it was both, the right time, the right person.

 

Same for me when I met him, cause god knows I've changed a hell of a lot since I met him!

 

There's a part of me that does believe that our own actions have a big impact on how we get treated by our partners and their behavior towards us. Setting boundaries, standing up for ourselves, speaking up!

 

Not in a nagging, argumentative or disrespectful way. But in a way that sends our partner the message that we respect ourselves, and in turn, expect to receive that same respect in return.

 

I have found doing that has made a world of difference in how I am treated in my relationships, since my last long term relationship ended.

 

This is true for both men and women, it's not a gender thing.

@katrina1980 oh I'm not offended! Sorry if it came out that way! Not at all! I can just relate a lot it's Summer11 and was mentioning the wording because I assumed that she could take it the way I did and the real good advice would be ignored.

 

I'm glad that you overcame your similar behavior! It's not easy for everyone and you already know that. For me it took therapy, I had already tried self help books and forum etc, with therapy I'm rapidly growing. For others it may take more effort. I'm just sensitive to all this and especially when I see a one -post-poster I'm afraid we'll scare them off. People come here very heartbroken and torn and we must take all of that under consideration. We do of course, and as I said, once I re read it, I could see it wasn't an attack, but we never can know how the other one takes it, and I'm in a good place now too, which means someone who isn't, might need to re read it several times to understand it's not an "attack" to their already low self esteem. Bottom line is that there are people with different approaches, tough love or not, the variety is good in general as long as it's there.

 

I'm also glad you're in a loving relationship!❤️

He probably changed for both reasons, but I'm sure he didn't make dramatic changes, like from a serial cheater to a loving monogamous partner, or a horrible liar to a saint. I'm sure he was probably already around your level.

 

That said, I'm not saying that when the right two people get together there isn't any growth from both sides. I'm saying that you can't see miracles happen, like the OPs example. Maybe some time down the line her partner may change,but it takes way more than one person to make that happen and for the OP, it's just not worth the investment. And she's enabling him, so they both need to change, but that happy ending has 0 to none possibility of happening.

 

I'm sure it's not as bad in the States, but in southern Europe, the notion that women are to blame for men's behavior still exists. That's why I said it's my issue, I was 100% sure you didn't mean it that way. 🙏🏽😊

@Summer11 btw, I've found CBT therapy extremely helpful.

Why did you stay with and allow this?

I know part of my self esteem, stems from childhood where my mum use to say to me i should accept anyone who wants to be with me as I'm not as pretty like my sister. I should never be choosy and never back talk to people .. keep peace and don't say anything let it go like it never happened.

 

That has always been in my mind. Guess I am partly to blame to allow this to go on for so long and not set my boundaries when i should have.

 

@cope will take your advice and see a therapist maybe that will help me walk the right path.

 

I should take ownership of my actions when it comes to people like him who comes into my life is to let them go faster..

Blame is probably the wrong word but the word the OP chose to use! And it was sort of questioned in a way that it was a yes or no answer.

 

Does the OP hold any responsibility for the past years events?

Yes. She allowed his behaviour by accepting it.

Is she to blame for his behaviour? No.

But did she enable it? Yes. Every time she accepts it she is simply saying it’s ok to treat me this way because I will still be here.

 

He was never going to treat her any differently regardless because he is a douchebag , but it would have ended sooner than later and that would have been in the OP’s best interest.

Thanks god you blocked him and are not interacting with him anymore. Take this as a lesson for next relationships and how to avoid situations like this again.