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Thread: Am I to blame

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    @Summer11 btw, I've found CBT therapy extremely helpful.

  2. #22
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    Why did you stay with and allow this?

  3. #23

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    I know part of my self esteem, stems from childhood where my mum use to say to me i should accept anyone who wants to be with me as I'm not as pretty like my sister. I should never be choosy and never back talk to people .. keep peace and don't say anything let it go like it never happened.

    That has always been in my mind. Guess I am partly to blame to allow this to go on for so long and not set my boundaries when i should have.

    @cope will take your advice and see a therapist maybe that will help me walk the right path.

    I should take ownership of my actions when it comes to people like him who comes into my life is to let them go faster..

  4. #24
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    Blame is probably the wrong word but the word the OP chose to use! And it was sort of questioned in a way that it was a yes or no answer.

    Does the OP hold any responsibility for the past years events?
    Yes. She allowed his behaviour by accepting it.
    Is she to blame for his behaviour? No.
    But did she enable it? Yes. Every time she accepts it she is simply saying it’s ok to treat me this way because I will still be here.

    He was never going to treat her any differently regardless because he is a douchebag , but it would have ended sooner than later and that would have been in the OP’s best interest.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Thanks god you blocked him and are not interacting with him anymore. Take this as a lesson for next relationships and how to avoid situations like this again.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Summer11
    I know part of my self esteem, stems from childhood where my mum use to say to me i should accept anyone who wants to be with me as I'm not as pretty like my sister. I should never be choosy and never back talk to people .. keep peace and don't say anything let it go like it never happened.
    Yeah, what you're mother did explains A LOT. My mother may have never told me this exact same thing, but she demonstrated it to me with her actions; I was also compared to my "amazing" brother. There are so many things that happened in out childhood that affect us in adulthood, it's unbelievable. I have found peace with many due to therapy, I wish you the best! Make sure to find a therapist that suits you. Just because one has a degree, doesn't mean they are the right one for you. I don't know how it works where you live, but if a free getting to know you-appoitment is available, use it with many before you decide.

    It's going to be exciting!!

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you required to be married soon in your culture? Why would you still be operating on these principles that you desperately have to accept anyone and anything?
    Originally Posted by Summer11
    my mum use to say to me i should accept anyone who wants to be with me as I'm not as pretty like my sister. I should never be choosy and never back talk to people .. keep peace and don't say anything let it go like it never happened.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Read the book “Women Who Love Too Much”....it was a game changer for me...

  10. #29
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    Yes, please do follow some others' suggestion and get yourself a good therapist.

    They can help you understand why you felt it was noble to stand by a man who is such a bottom-feeder. Accepting someone for all their flaws is, well, a flawed concept. It doesn't mean we should just take whatever comes our way and have no standards for ourselves. I'm sorry that your mom raised you to believe the contrary; you don't deserve that.

    It's a blessing this man is gone.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Summer11
    I stood by him and accepted all his wrongs..
    ... a[m] I doing something so wrong... ?
    Yep. Standing by someone who mistreats you only sets you up for more mistreatment.

    If you don't value yourself enough to walk away from mistreatment, the message you send is that you don't expect anyone else to value you, either.

    Skip that. Make whatever investment in yourself that you need to make in order to learn how to appreciate your unique value, including therapy if you need help. Once you do that, you'll be ready to date. Otherwise, you'll bottom-feed for scraps from anyone who will pay attention to you, and that's a prescription for disaster.

    Head high, and treat yourself well.

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