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Thread: Reconciliation or closure talks?

  1. #1

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    Reconciliation or closure talks?

    Hello everyone.

    My gf (25) and I (24) had been dating for just under a year and I thought things were going great. We had trips planned this summer and had even planned on moving in together in October. Then, without any real warning, she broke up with me last Friday without saying much about why. We didn't have a major blow up or fight the last time we saw each other. She really only said she's been so crazy at work and stressed out and she isn't sure how she feels in the relationship. I was graceful on the phone with her and we hung up. The next few days were obviously hard but I avoided any urge to contact her for at least the full weekend.

    On Tuesday, I sent her a text saying I respected her space but wanted to reconnect with her next week to talk about what happened. She didn't text me back until the next evening, but said she thought about what I said and didn't want our break up phone call to be the last time we talked to each other. She wanted to meet up and talk. At first, I was excited as I really do want a chance to reconcile with her, but I'm also trying to level with my expectations.

    Part of me feels its a good sign she reached out to me when she didn't have to. I told her I'd contact her again next week so we had time to process things and she chose to respond only one day later. The next day she also sent me two snapchats of her at work. Although I may be overanalyzing this, she also hasn't taken done the photos of the two of us from her facebook.

    The other part of me though thinks she is simply giving me what I asked her- closure. I'm sure she feels bad about this too and maybe this is her way of trying to gain closure herself and talk about her perspective. I'd hate to assume she wants to reconcile and then have that not happen and feel duped, thus starting the breakup process almost over again. I'm driving myself insane thinking of all the possibilities and overanalyzing everything. We planned to meet Saturday to talk.

    What are your thoughts by her actions and do I have the right to be excited about her wanting to talk?

    P.S. I have already deeply thought about our relationship and some positive changes we'd both need to make in the future. Although I feel we did have a healthy relationship, our communication has to greatly improve and I think we both need to be more honest with each other. Therefore, I'm willing to put place effort to better what failed before.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    A person who really cares will communicate what needs to improve in the relationship. She stopped caring or doesn't care enough about you as a potential lifetime partner. Everyone gets stressed at work sometimes. That's rattling on to avoid being truthful about what's really going on in her head. She said she's not sure how she feels about the relationship. After a year together, she's not feeling 100 percent confidence in being with you, and in fact broke up with you knowing it would likely be permanent. It was cowardly and unkind for her to do this over the phone, after being together a year.

    If it were me, I'd never take anyone back who dumped me, because in my mind, they didn't care enough to work through any problems together. I don't give second chances. I'd rather risk my heart on someone new. I'd say: You know what? Now that I've had time to think, it's best that I start my closure now, so let's delete each other's numbers. I wish you well.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think most relationships go through a process of devolving and a series of events that lead to an eventual stopping in two people seeing each other or wanting to see each other again. Sometimes that happens over the phone when one person decides enough is enough and the charade has to stop. You may meet up again to tie up loose ends and exchange items or one person has to move out but it's a process. I don't feel there's any one way to be correct about breaking up with someone except that it's done with some tact and calmness and eventually letting go of each other and accepting/respecting that it is over.

    You were the one to initiate a meet up after the phone call breaking up so she responded civilly by agreeing to meet up with you and agreeing with you that's not the way she wanted it to end. This is fair enough but I wouldn't hold out for any reconciliation at all. She's just agreeing to meet up with you to be fair and do things civilly because you asked for it that way. I wouldn't draw it out any more than it needs to. Just ask what you have to ask specifically and then go your separate ways.

    We aren't born learning how to communicate effectively. Learning to communicate effectively is something we learn socially as social beings. We learn from each other what works best in relationships. We learn about ourselves in relation to others. Communicating is innate for humans but most people are not born with natural gifts to do so. It's all mostly a learned behaviour. You can teach someone and learn how to communicate better.

    What bothers me is the last part about honesty. There are studies done on very young children and their conscience and it was discovered that most people are born with an innate sense of right and wrong, what's honest and what's not. A plate of cookies was placed in front of a group of children (one by one, separately) and each one was told not to take the cookie on the table. Some did and some didn't. The ones who took a cookie showed signs of guilt and fear in their facial expressions even though they denied it and other children admitted it right away.

    You can't teach someone how to be honest, imo. It's reinforced during childhood and adulthood. Those traits are born and inherent to us as social beings also as we trust in each other for the survival of our species, among other reasons. If you both have not been honest with each other from the start, this to me suggests something went wrong between the both of you or prior (individually) before your relationship. For some reason, associating with dishonesty and lies might have become a survival mechanism for either of you or a way to cope with issues in the relationship in order to keep the relationship going. Try and figure out why there was a lack of honesty to begin with and where it's coming from.

  4. #4
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    This meet up is just to assuage any guilt she may have over dumping you and would most likely end with you being placed in the friendzone for eternity as you inevitably beg and plead for that one more chance.

    Take it from personal experience, when someone dumps you without communicating any problems or issues they may have with the relationship they won't think twice to do it again a second time. It's that second time when you realise what a fool you have been that will kill you the most too.

    If it was me I'd say don't worry about meeting up, I respect your decision I wish you all the best but I'm going to block you and move on.

    Walk away with your head held high and some self respect.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think it's good of your ex gf to want to meet on Saturday to talk. Closure is good as you part ways amicably. All relationships should be so lucky to end this way. It's very mature and no hard feelings.

    I don't think you should be excited. Lower your expectations to prevent surprises. Just be natural, accept the situation for what it is, remain calm, kind and respect her wishes. Be honorable and go your separate ways. Both of you are handling this break up better than most.

  7. #6
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    From what you described, there's 0 chance o reconciliation on Saturday. If you're ok with that and still want to see each other the last time, then go for it. Just have in mind that this will actually make you feel a little more miserable when you see how detached she might already be from you.

    I would just cancel it and just try to move on.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. It's quite common after a breakup to friendzone you. This is where it's heading. All you can do is decide that next time you have a relationship, you'll be more forthcoming and communicative. It didn't come out of nowhere. It's just that you got too comfortable and complacent.

    You are talking and thinking in "we" and "our" however if you meet up and start grovelling about communication or what "we need to do better" you're in for a lot of heartache.

    Basically the time to improve a relationship is while you're still in it. Backpedaling never works, once the feelings have grown cold. She has been thinking about this for a while so she's a bit ahead of you in the breakup and healing process.
    Originally Posted by msh1510
    Then, without any real warning, she broke up with me last Friday without saying much about why. our communication has to greatly improve and I think we both need to be more honest with each other. Therefore, I'm willing to put place effort to better what failed before.

  9. #8
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    I did the exact same thing with my ex! We met up for closure! Deep down I was hoping wed reconcile! Im sure when you walked up to her you could already see how detached she was already! In the end she probably justified more reasons why she left you to make her feel less guilty! My guess is that she had met someone else and was already over you weeks before the actual break up!

  10. #9
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    Id say just give her space and time. Eventually her intentions will come out and you will get your answers, you just wont get them when you want them. If you continue to initiate contact she could easily use it to dethatch from you emotionally. You either are justifying her break up or making it harder and since you don't know which way it is, just leave her alone. Don't initiate, don't plan, don't ask, don't demand, don't confront, don't give guilt trips, don't bargain, reason, debate or anything.. just let her be.

    I know waiting is very hard. You are an overthinker and have had about a thousand imaginary conversations with her. What if she says this how will you answer and think what possible things she will say if you say this or that. Having those imaginary conversations rarely work out how they do in real life so just stop having them. Quit looking for signs both negative and positive and just let things settle down. Again, I know its hard, I know what I say is far easier than done. Keep busy, lean on friends and family, don't dwell and just know no matter what way this goes, you are going to be alright.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    I think the OP was a 'One and Done' poster.....*


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