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Thread: Partner has moved out and wants a break

  1. #1
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    Partner has moved out and wants a break

    I have been with my partner for three years. We have lived together for the past two years. Last year I bought my own flat with the inheritance money that my dad left me and we moved out of our rented flat into it.

    We have had issues in the past with his money problems. He is a recovering CG and racked up a lot of debt before he met me. He tends to hide his problems from me and eventually I discover, he promises not to do it again and I forgive him.

    Besides that our relationship has been great. However I started a new job 7 months ago which has been extremely stressful and requires quite a lot of travel. My new manager has been horrible and bullying me, so I have been coming home stressed and upset every night.

    A few weeks ago I discovered some debt letters (opened) in the flat and found out he hadnít paid his employment tax or his car insurance (meaning he was driving around uninsured for months). I was so upset with him and I said I didnít know if I could be with him in the long run if he kept hiding things from me.

    Fast forward three weeks, my job situation gets increasingly worse and comes to a head. We are having dinner one evening and he turns to me and says Iím not happy, Iím not sure if I love you any more and says he wants to move out. Iím obviously shocked, hurt and angry but I say if thatís what you want I canít stop you. He then starts back tracking and saying maybe we could start dating again in a few weeks but he needs to move out. He is crying his eyes out over it.

    The next day he packs a bag and leaves, still crying and very upset. He texts me the following day and says how sorry he is and that he hopes we can meet in a few weeks and see what happens.

    I donít reply until the following day and tell him how much he has hurt me. I suggest we have a call and lay all of our cards on the table (I suspected it could be money). He agrees and we speak on the phone and he says he wants us to work, that we deserve that and that we can meet up in a few weeks. He also says he wants some space but he doesnít want us not to message each other and if I need him for anything then to please contact him.

    The following day he comes over to the flat to collect all of his belongings. He is crying and keeps hugging me and saying how sorry he is. When he takes the tv (his tv), I ask him if he will use it and he says no it will go in his mums loft. I said maybe I could buy it off him and he says ďIf all goes well it will be back with me at some pointĒ. I agree to give him space and he says he will message me later in the week and set up a date for us to meet.

    Itís been two days and I havenít heard from him and wonít contact him myself. I am so hurt and upset. With everything I am going through with work to, I feel like I am at an all time low and he is leaving me in the middle of it.

    If he wanted to break up with me why not just do it but he keeps saying we can meet in a few weeks and try to start over. He also hasnít changed his relationship status on social media. I am so confused, I love him so much but I donít know if I can ever forgive him for this. I mean he has cleared all of his things out of my flat and it was all so sudden, not a word of warning.

  2. #2
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    I am sorry to hear that. I know it is a very tough time for you.
    Let him go and please don't contact him. Just let him feel your absence. Always distance the distancer. Perhaps you would benefit from this time apart and you will realise that he is not a good partner as you thought.
    He said he is unsure if he still loves you....don't let a man tells you twice such a thing....go for a massage, meet friends.
    I know it will be hard when the home is suddenly empty without him but it will get easier.
    Maybe he feels inadequate as it looks like you are more wealthy than him. Maybe he needs to collect his thoughts and sort himself out. Either way- he decided to go....let him go....
    Better days will come. I promise

  3. #3
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    What is a CG?

  4. #4
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    Compulsive gambler

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  6. #5
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    "We have had issues in the past with his money problems. He is a recovering CG and racked up a lot of debt before he met me. He tends to hide his problems from me and eventually I discover, he promises not to do it again and I forgive him. " He is still doing this.

    I cannot fathom why you had gone back to this guy, and still want him? He is not going to change, as YOU can see!

    Be done. Find someone who you can trust and is financially responsible,

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by HarrietB
    Compulsive gambler
    And you want a lifetime of this? He also does not love you anymore.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with Irka that there may be feelings of inadequacy there and it has very little to do with you. If you are having issues at work, you should be focusing on that at this point. Your biggest priority at the moment is maintaining the home you just bought and any mortgage payments or upkeep that goes into it. Don't let things slide or forget to make payments of your own on your own commitments.

    I don't feel like this is a healthy space for you (not a healthy relationship). Try and uncover why you feel you've found this type of relationship acceptable for so long especially with the hidden info and addictions to credit card use. He hasn't broken some very unhealthy cycles and sounds like he has issues he needs to work on on his own, independent of any relationship. Take this as a learning experience and be at peace with yourself. All things come to pass. This will pass too. Heal and move forwards. This relationship is not healthy.

  9. #8
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    You mentioned he didn't share with you the issues he had. Possibly there is more to it. Perhaps more debts ? Perhaps he didn't reveal it all to you as he didn't want to look like a complete looser in your eyes.
    Who knows ? Maybe that TV will be used for his debts....but these are my speculations.
    Please focus on you. I know you miss him and it must be so hard. Come on here and talk to us. There is always someone here who will lift your spirit.
    Please don't contact him. You need this break too, to evaluate this partnership. Soon, you will have more clarity.
    Who knows, maybe he will realise what he lost and get himself together. Then you two can have another chance.
    Stay strong x
    Last edited by irka000; 06-06-2019 at 01:15 PM. Reason: Error

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    You mentioned he didn't share with you the issues he had. Possibly there is more to it. Perhaps more debts ? Perhaps he didn't reveal it all to you as he didn't want to look like a complete looser in your eyes.
    Who knows ? Maybe that TV will be used for his debts....but these are my speculations.
    Please focus on you. I know you miss him and it must be so hard. Come on here and talk to us. There is always someone here who will lift your spirit.
    Please don't contact him. You need this break too, to evaluate this partnership. Soon, you will have more clarity.
    Who knows, maybe he will realise what he lost and get himself together. Then you two can have another chance.
    Stay strong x
    Why would she want another chance? He has a pattern of lying, hiding things, addiction and financial instability. She should want to run the other way. He is not good partner material, and we cannot be so desperate to have just anyone in our lives. The past always indicates the future, and this is evident, here.

  11. #10
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    I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to my post.

    What Irka and Rose have said is similar to what my friends and family think. They think itís money again and as I gave him an ultimatum a few weeks ago he has chosen to leave before I find out again and doesnít want to drag me down with his problems. Iíve really excelled since we have been together, I earn a lot more than him, now own my own flat and have a healthy amount of savings.

    What confuses me most is that he says he wants to meet up and hopefully start dating again. He has said since he initially broke the news that he does have love for me and didnít mean what he said initially. So he is backtracking... Also he didnít leave his key which my mum thought was odd. I want to get the keys really as I canít change the lock on the communal door to my flat..

    It just hurts so much. Iíve had a week now to digest it and I honestly donít know if I could forgive him for this. Besides the money issues (which has only come up twice in three years and he has never borrowed money from me) we get on so well, we are always laughing and very rarely argue. I really didnít see it coming.

    I am not contacting him, Iím giving him his space and will do a lot of thinking myself as right now I donít think I can forgive him, which hurts even more.

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