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Thread: Partner has moved out and wants a break

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Is it your place? Get all his stuff out, sever all financial ties. Change all passwords to all accounts. Check your credit score. Change the locks and send a written 30 notice if he has stuff there.

    Your life is not "on hold", he left. Kiss the sky for that blessing. Never be a mommy or martyr. No one loves or respects that. It's like writing "kick me" on your forehead. Consider getting some therapy to sort through all this and put your life back together in a more positive way.
    Originally Posted by HarrietB
    TIíve always forgiven him and stood by him whenever these money issues arise. When he asked for this space, I forgave him and said he could have it. But him walking out on me (at one of my lowest points), not letting me know he was feeling this way and expecting me to put my life on hold while he decides what he wants.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    What's so confusing about what 'he' wants? Sure, he'd like to avoid burning bridges with his enabler who loves him, but some people are best loved from far away. I'd skip any talks in a few weeks, because when nothing changes, nothing changes. Do you want to position yourself to keep playing house with someone who's demonstrated the capacity to lie, hide things and dump you? Is that kind of anxiety any way to live and plan a future with someone?

    Stop believing what the guy 'says' and get clarity about the kind of partner you want for your future. This guy is not him.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Responding to posts #10, #14, #16:

    Hang in there and take all the time you need to process those thoughts. It sounds like you know what you're about and you'll be just fine. It just took going through this difficult process to realize a few things. This is not the end of the road and there's much, much more to life than this. Don't be afraid to start looking forwards when you're ready and learning to rebuild your life again.

    I had a previous relationship where I discovered he had declared bankruptcy four years prior to meeting me. He told me well into the relationship so of course I was already emotionally invested. I also wasn't closed-minded immediately to think that a person could be judged solely on this mistake and I was open enough to work things through and make compromises. It didn't stop me from dating this person but there were other issues (differences and incompatibilities with decision-making) that showed itself over time. Those vast differences eventually broke us up and the differences included everything from ways of problem-solving, communication issues and how we approached other relationships like friends and family.

    My point is: It's not on you for not recognizing him as someone incompatible. You tried it and you lived to tell the tale. Don't internalize any feelings of failure on your part because everyone makes mistakes and it's not your fault for giving someone a chance or being hopeful or trusting. What you can do is appreciate all the good times and acknowledge the bad times and strengthen your own resolve and work towards your own goals. You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself to pick the right company sometimes. Once you find your place and know your own path, similar people will join you in your journey. Things will fall into place. Like I said, this is not the end. Keep on going.

  4. #24
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    Speaking as a daughter of a compulsive gambler, if you are okay with him losing millions and millions in his lifetime, then sure, keep it open. But no amount of therapy, promises, and prayers will make the compulsion stop.

    Don't get me wrong, my dad is awesome. But he's also gambled away his and my mom's life insurance and 401K under her nose. Sells land and businesses to cover debts. He is endlessly racking up debt now. And my mom just puts up with it. But you are young, and don't have to. Find someone who will be honest with you.

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  6. #25
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    Thank you everyone for your advice.

    I just wanted to give you an update on the situation... we went 5 days with no contact and finally I gave in and messaged him and said that I didnít like the way that he was treating me and felt like he was stringing me along by leaving the door open and asked for the keys back.

    He quickly responded and said that wasnít the case and that he wanted to meet me at the weekend and see if we can start over.

    I spoke to him on the phone this evening and he opened up more about how he had been feeling and the strain my work situation had put on us but he wants to work on our relationship. Heís been messaging me since, all very positive.

    I have been such a mess crying and missing him so much, this outcome was what I was hoping for. But now I have it, Iím not so sure. I feel really hurt by his actions and Iím not sure I can trust him again. Especially on top of the money issues.

    Iím going to meet him and see what happens...

  7. #26
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You're at risk for allowing emotion to override your very legitimate concerns about the possible extent of his debt and spending issues.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by HarrietB
    Thank you everyone for your advice.

    I just wanted to give you an update on the situation... we went 5 days with no contact and finally I gave in and messaged him and said that I didnít like the way that he was treating me and felt like he was stringing me along by leaving the door open and asked for the keys back.

    He quickly responded and said that wasnít the case and that he wanted to meet me at the weekend and see if we can start over.

    I spoke to him on the phone this evening and he opened up more about how he had been feeling and the strain my work situation had put on us but he wants to work on our relationship. Heís been messaging me since, all very positive.

    I have been such a mess crying and missing him so much, this outcome was what I was hoping for. But now I have it, Iím not so sure. I feel really hurt by his actions and Iím not sure I can trust him again. Especially on top of the money issues.

    Iím going to meet him and see what happens...
    Change the locks.
    do not commit to giving him a chance.
    The more time and space that is between you, things will become more clearer.
    I would change the locks and not expect the key back or i would accept his return of the key, but have him drop it in your mailslot, have a friend or relative WITH you who won't be sympathetic to him and try to take his side, or do anything but be support, even if they are at the restaurant in another booth. meet him in public only.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Harriet:

    He is giving you the runaround (again) and you are falling for it (again).

    ".......he wants to work on our relationship. Heís been messaging me since, all very positive."

    As Wiseman said in an earlier post, you need to get your life back together.

    And you need to examine why you let these losers into your life.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HarrietB
    I have been with my partner for three years. We have lived together for the past two years.
    I am confused. Is this the same person?

    Originally Posted by HarrietB
    I met my current boyfriend on a dating app a few months ago and it was a bit of a whirl wind romance....Fast forward two months, he has moved in and the country goes into lockdown.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Harriet, dear, you are kidding yourself, if you really think he doesn't tell you things for your benefit.

    He doesn't want to or can't own and address his own issues. He doesn't want to admit what a poor partner he is to you. He doesn't like who he is, but he can't help it. That's addiction. Whether it makes him a bad guy, makes no difference.

    You cannot allow yourself be manipulated. and no doubt about it, addicts are the best manipulators. Mostly, because they, themselves believe their lies and BS.

    he will drain you for all your worth, materially and emotionally to feed his addictions. And then when you nothing left to give, he'll move on to a new enabler.

    Its your place and he's gone. See this as the blessing it is. You have to save yourself... change the locks and block.

    Your happiness in life is 90% the partner you choose. their happiness is yours, just as their problems are yours. Why would you short change yourself and build your life around a guy that has gambling, financial, lying, and inconsistency of commitment problems?

    This guy is a loser. Why don't you think you deserve better? You need to do some serious soul searching, find yourself under all this "but I love him" and love yourself.

    Go buy yourself a beautiful new tv set. And enjoy it!

    Good ridden to this guy.

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