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Thread: Partner has moved out and wants a break

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm sorry for the pain and confusion.

    I can't help but feel, in reading this, that you are deeply unmatched. I'd imagine he feels awfully inadequate living alongside you—and you know what? He should. Whatever great qualities he has, meeting the bare minimum of being a responsible adult is not one of them. I say that in reference to the specifics of the debt stuff, and his mode of dealing with it: hiding it from you, which is just an extension of hiding it from himself. I also say that in reference to how he's handling himself right now.

    This is a man who is only capable of looking at himself in the mirror sideways, and in your shoes today I'd really take this moment to ask yourself (a) if this is the man you want to hitch your horse to and (b) what may be gurgling in your spirit to have gotten this far in this relationship to begin with.

    Yes, you get along well, laugh, and so on, but that is not the stuff that makes relationships work. It's point of entry stuff, the reason to go on a second date, explore someone for second or fourth month. Then come the bigger questions: Can you continue to grow alongside this person, or is this person a weight who will prevent growth?

    You're in pain now, and that sucks. Pain passes, always, physical and emotional. But I can't help but see that this moment may be a blessing—for self-reflection and making some adjustments, for yourself, that will ultimately get you closer to the kind of partnership you want and deserve.

  2. #12
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    "He has a pattern of lying, hiding things, addiction and financial instability." This is all you should be focused on. If you marry this loser, you will take on his debt. Does he have a job and good employment history?

  3. #13
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    Thank you. I appreciate the kind words and good advice. A lot of the questions you pose are what is on my mind right now.

  4. #14
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    He does have a good employment history. He is a hard worker and has never missed a rent payment or asked me for money which is why I was so shocked the couple of times I found out he had been having troubles. Re marriage, I have had my doubts. I do want to get married at some point and I’ve tried to help him save and get out of debt by only charging him a small amount of rent etc and all along he has said he is paying it off and his credit has never been better.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    I also hear you telling a story that, while comforting, might not be the most accurate story. The story I hear is that, in you, he has an enabler. He gets the badge of "hard worker" while paying below market rent and a gold star for paying it on time. Speaking frankly, that's pedaling through adulthood on training wheels. Yeah, we are very proud of children when they ride a bike with training wheels, but it's less impressive when it's a grownup, you know? And how has he used this cushion and support? Unwisely. Not how he said he would. Training wheels on the bike, he's still falling over, crashing into walls.

    I can see—because I've flirted with playing your role in a relationship dynamic—where this can be rewarding to both of you. For a stretch. He has a crutch, you get to feel extra responsible, extra adult, extra loving. But long term good? Not so much. What "works" leads to the very things that unravel it. You feel taxed, get lied to, and he feels....well, like a grown man on a kid's bike. Inadequate. Emasculated. Resentful of you because even your support shines a light on where he is weak. But sadly with his limited tools he can only process that by throwing something of a tantrum, which is what he's doing right now.

    I know that's not fun to read. But do know that there are men out there who can pay full rent on time and pay off debt.

  7. #16
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    Thank you. I need these words. They are giving me strength. The more I think about it the more I don’t know if we can go back. I’ve always forgiven him and stood by him whenever these money issues arise. When he asked for this space, I forgave him and said he could have it. But him walking out on me (at one of my lowest points), not letting me know he was feeling this way and expecting me to put my life on hold while he decides what he wants. I don’t think I can forgive him for. As you say he is an adult but he is acting like a child, always running away from his problems and hiding them.

    It extremely painful and I don’t want to give up on him but I know I deserve better.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I know it’s painful. Feel for you.

    But I’m not sure there is something to “go back” to unless you want to keep being his parent-lover. You’ve kind of been waiting for him to grow up, nudging him, and he hasn’t. The big question I’d be asking is if you’re read my to grown up and out of this dynamic?

    I’ve been in your shoes, in my own way. My last relationship (also 3 years) was a lot of me playing this kind of parental role. Not fun to admit that, but there it is. In my case I think it “worked” for me for a few reasons: being the helper and responsible one made me feel good and maybe a bit powerful, and also there was probably some comfort in the idea that the whole thing wouldn’t be “real real” until she, you know, grew up. So, some issues in me latching onto someone with issues of their own...

    Two years later I’m 5 months into my first serious relationship since then. Where it’s going I don’t yet know. But it’s amazing so far and one thing I am a million percent sure of? I will never play that role with her because she is as grown up as grown up gets and it is HOT. An equal. Doesn’t need me or anyone to carry her weight because she does that with so much grace it just makes me want to be my best alongside her. As such there’s a lot more space for lightness and, in that, space for a much deeper connection than I could ever have imagined.

  9. #18
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    Count your blessings. This is the best outcome for you. you didn't have to kick him out. He would lead you down the road of financial ruin - he could have stayed with you longer and claimed that the flat was purchased with the understanding you were joint owners, utilities that he was responsible for could have been shut off. he said that you can talk in a few weeks and date again because he didn't want a confrontation. I suggest changing the locks and not allowing him back in your home to talk or for anything. I would be tempted to not meet him to talk because there is nothing to say. but if you must, go to a public location and have a friend call you to see if you need a rescue or to remind you not to let him back

  10. #19
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    Has he sought any help for his addiction?

    "As you say he is an adult but he is acting like a child, always running away from his problems and hiding them." This is who he is.

    " but I know I deserve better."

  11. #20
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your loser partner spells nothing but trouble. I agree with everyone else. Get rid of him otherwise his debts become your debts. He will go down the debt drain as you join him.

    He cries and gives you sob stories, takes the tv and uses the tv as a bargaining chip. The deal is if you agree to give him space, he then says if all goes well, the tv will be returned to him. What a guy!

    It's time to become strong and tough.

    Don't question how he would've broken up with you. YOU take action and break up with him. There is no starting over. His CG (gambling habit) will be your downfall all too soon.

    Since he cleared your flat, this is to your advantage. It's time to end this folly of a relationship so you can move forward with your life. Tell him it's over and forewarn him to cease all contact otherwise you'll be left with no other recourse other than to ghost and block if it has to come to that.

    Be smart.

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