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Partner has moved out and wants a break


HarrietB

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I have been with my partner for three years. We have lived together for the past two years. Last year I bought my own flat with the inheritance money that my dad left me and we moved out of our rented flat into it.

 

We have had issues in the past with his money problems. He is a recovering CG and racked up a lot of debt before he met me. He tends to hide his problems from me and eventually I discover, he promises not to do it again and I forgive him.

 

Besides that our relationship has been great. However I started a new job 7 months ago which has been extremely stressful and requires quite a lot of travel. My new manager has been horrible and bullying me, so I have been coming home stressed and upset every night.

 

A few weeks ago I discovered some debt letters (opened) in the flat and found out he hadn’t paid his employment tax or his car insurance (meaning he was driving around uninsured for months). I was so upset with him and I said I didn’t know if I could be with him in the long run if he kept hiding things from me.

 

Fast forward three weeks, my job situation gets increasingly worse and comes to a head. We are having dinner one evening and he turns to me and says I’m not happy, I’m not sure if I love you any more and says he wants to move out. I’m obviously shocked, hurt and angry but I say if that’s what you want I can’t stop you. He then starts back tracking and saying maybe we could start dating again in a few weeks but he needs to move out. He is crying his eyes out over it.

 

The next day he packs a bag and leaves, still crying and very upset. He texts me the following day and says how sorry he is and that he hopes we can meet in a few weeks and see what happens.

 

I don’t reply until the following day and tell him how much he has hurt me. I suggest we have a call and lay all of our cards on the table (I suspected it could be money). He agrees and we speak on the phone and he says he wants us to work, that we deserve that and that we can meet up in a few weeks. He also says he wants some space but he doesn’t want us not to message each other and if I need him for anything then to please contact him.

 

The following day he comes over to the flat to collect all of his belongings. He is crying and keeps hugging me and saying how sorry he is. When he takes the tv (his tv), I ask him if he will use it and he says no it will go in his mums loft. I said maybe I could buy it off him and he says “If all goes well it will be back with me at some point”. I agree to give him space and he says he will message me later in the week and set up a date for us to meet.

 

It’s been two days and I haven’t heard from him and won’t contact him myself. I am so hurt and upset. With everything I am going through with work to, I feel like I am at an all time low and he is leaving me in the middle of it.

 

If he wanted to break up with me why not just do it but he keeps saying we can meet in a few weeks and try to start over. He also hasn’t changed his relationship status on social media. I am so confused, I love him so much but I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for this. I mean he has cleared all of his things out of my flat and it was all so sudden, not a word of warning.

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I am sorry to hear that. I know it is a very tough time for you.

Let him go and please don't contact him. Just let him feel your absence. Always distance the distancer. Perhaps you would benefit from this time apart and you will realise that he is not a good partner as you thought.

He said he is unsure if he still loves you....don't let a man tells you twice such a thing....go for a massage, meet friends.

I know it will be hard when the home is suddenly empty without him but it will get easier.

Maybe he feels inadequate as it looks like you are more wealthy than him. Maybe he needs to collect his thoughts and sort himself out. Either way- he decided to go....let him go....

Better days will come. I promise

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"We have had issues in the past with his money problems. He is a recovering CG and racked up a lot of debt before he met me. He tends to hide his problems from me and eventually I discover, he promises not to do it again and I forgive him. " He is still doing this.

 

I cannot fathom why you had gone back to this guy, and still want him? He is not going to change, as YOU can see!

 

Be done. Find someone who you can trust and is financially responsible,

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I agree with Irka that there may be feelings of inadequacy there and it has very little to do with you. If you are having issues at work, you should be focusing on that at this point. Your biggest priority at the moment is maintaining the home you just bought and any mortgage payments or upkeep that goes into it. Don't let things slide or forget to make payments of your own on your own commitments.

 

I don't feel like this is a healthy space for you (not a healthy relationship). Try and uncover why you feel you've found this type of relationship acceptable for so long especially with the hidden info and addictions to credit card use. He hasn't broken some very unhealthy cycles and sounds like he has issues he needs to work on on his own, independent of any relationship. Take this as a learning experience and be at peace with yourself. All things come to pass. This will pass too. Heal and move forwards. This relationship is not healthy.

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You mentioned he didn't share with you the issues he had. Possibly there is more to it. Perhaps more debts ? Perhaps he didn't reveal it all to you as he didn't want to look like a complete looser in your eyes.

Who knows ? Maybe that TV will be used for his debts....but these are my speculations.

Please focus on you. I know you miss him and it must be so hard. Come on here and talk to us. There is always someone here who will lift your spirit.

Please don't contact him. You need this break too, to evaluate this partnership. Soon, you will have more clarity.

Who knows, maybe he will realise what he lost and get himself together. Then you two can have another chance.

Stay strong x

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You mentioned he didn't share with you the issues he had. Possibly there is more to it. Perhaps more debts ? Perhaps he didn't reveal it all to you as he didn't want to look like a complete looser in your eyes.

Who knows ? Maybe that TV will be used for his debts....but these are my speculations.

Please focus on you. I know you miss him and it must be so hard. Come on here and talk to us. There is always someone here who will lift your spirit.

Please don't contact him. You need this break too, to evaluate this partnership. Soon, you will have more clarity.

Who knows, maybe he will realise what he lost and get himself together. Then you two can have another chance.

Stay strong x

 

Why would she want another chance? He has a pattern of lying, hiding things, addiction and financial instability. She should want to run the other way. He is not good partner material, and we cannot be so desperate to have just anyone in our lives. The past always indicates the future, and this is evident, here.

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I appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to my post.

 

What Irka and Rose have said is similar to what my friends and family think. They think it’s money again and as I gave him an ultimatum a few weeks ago he has chosen to leave before I find out again and doesn’t want to drag me down with his problems. I’ve really excelled since we have been together, I earn a lot more than him, now own my own flat and have a healthy amount of savings.

 

What confuses me most is that he says he wants to meet up and hopefully start dating again. He has said since he initially broke the news that he does have love for me and didn’t mean what he said initially. So he is backtracking... Also he didn’t leave his key which my mum thought was odd. I want to get the keys really as I can’t change the lock on the communal door to my flat..

 

It just hurts so much. I’ve had a week now to digest it and I honestly don’t know if I could forgive him for this. Besides the money issues (which has only come up twice in three years and he has never borrowed money from me) we get on so well, we are always laughing and very rarely argue. I really didn’t see it coming.

 

I am not contacting him, I’m giving him his space and will do a lot of thinking myself as right now I don’t think I can forgive him, which hurts even more.

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I'm sorry for the pain and confusion.

 

I can't help but feel, in reading this, that you are deeply unmatched. I'd imagine he feels awfully inadequate living alongside you—and you know what? He should. Whatever great qualities he has, meeting the bare minimum of being a responsible adult is not one of them. I say that in reference to the specifics of the debt stuff, and his mode of dealing with it: hiding it from you, which is just an extension of hiding it from himself. I also say that in reference to how he's handling himself right now.

 

This is a man who is only capable of looking at himself in the mirror sideways, and in your shoes today I'd really take this moment to ask yourself (a) if this is the man you want to hitch your horse to and (b) what may be gurgling in your spirit to have gotten this far in this relationship to begin with.

 

Yes, you get along well, laugh, and so on, but that is not the stuff that makes relationships work. It's point of entry stuff, the reason to go on a second date, explore someone for second or fourth month. Then come the bigger questions: Can you continue to grow alongside this person, or is this person a weight who will prevent growth?

 

You're in pain now, and that sucks. Pain passes, always, physical and emotional. But I can't help but see that this moment may be a blessing—for self-reflection and making some adjustments, for yourself, that will ultimately get you closer to the kind of partnership you want and deserve.

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He does have a good employment history. He is a hard worker and has never missed a rent payment or asked me for money which is why I was so shocked the couple of times I found out he had been having troubles. Re marriage, I have had my doubts. I do want to get married at some point and I’ve tried to help him save and get out of debt by only charging him a small amount of rent etc and all along he has said he is paying it off and his credit has never been better.

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I hear you.

 

I also hear you telling a story that, while comforting, might not be the most accurate story. The story I hear is that, in you, he has an enabler. He gets the badge of "hard worker" while paying below market rent and a gold star for paying it on time. Speaking frankly, that's pedaling through adulthood on training wheels. Yeah, we are very proud of children when they ride a bike with training wheels, but it's less impressive when it's a grownup, you know? And how has he used this cushion and support? Unwisely. Not how he said he would. Training wheels on the bike, he's still falling over, crashing into walls.

 

I can see—because I've flirted with playing your role in a relationship dynamic—where this can be rewarding to both of you. For a stretch. He has a crutch, you get to feel extra responsible, extra adult, extra loving. But long term good? Not so much. What "works" leads to the very things that unravel it. You feel taxed, get lied to, and he feels....well, like a grown man on a kid's bike. Inadequate. Emasculated. Resentful of you because even your support shines a light on where he is weak. But sadly with his limited tools he can only process that by throwing something of a tantrum, which is what he's doing right now.

 

I know that's not fun to read. But do know that there are men out there who can pay full rent on time and pay off debt.

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Thank you. I need these words. They are giving me strength. The more I think about it the more I don’t know if we can go back. I’ve always forgiven him and stood by him whenever these money issues arise. When he asked for this space, I forgave him and said he could have it. But him walking out on me (at one of my lowest points), not letting me know he was feeling this way and expecting me to put my life on hold while he decides what he wants. I don’t think I can forgive him for. As you say he is an adult but he is acting like a child, always running away from his problems and hiding them.

 

It extremely painful and I don’t want to give up on him but I know I deserve better.

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I know it’s painful. Feel for you.

 

But I’m not sure there is something to “go back” to unless you want to keep being his parent-lover. You’ve kind of been waiting for him to grow up, nudging him, and he hasn’t. The big question I’d be asking is if you’re read my to grown up and out of this dynamic?

 

I’ve been in your shoes, in my own way. My last relationship (also 3 years) was a lot of me playing this kind of parental role. Not fun to admit that, but there it is. In my case I think it “worked” for me for a few reasons: being the helper and responsible one made me feel good and maybe a bit powerful, and also there was probably some comfort in the idea that the whole thing wouldn’t be “real real” until she, you know, grew up. So, some issues in me latching onto someone with issues of their own...

 

Two years later I’m 5 months into my first serious relationship since then. Where it’s going I don’t yet know. But it’s amazing so far and one thing I am a million percent sure of? I will never play that role with her because she is as grown up as grown up gets and it is HOT. An equal. Doesn’t need me or anyone to carry her weight because she does that with so much grace it just makes me want to be my best alongside her. As such there’s a lot more space for lightness and, in that, space for a much deeper connection than I could ever have imagined.

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Count your blessings. This is the best outcome for you. you didn't have to kick him out. He would lead you down the road of financial ruin - he could have stayed with you longer and claimed that the flat was purchased with the understanding you were joint owners, utilities that he was responsible for could have been shut off. he said that you can talk in a few weeks and date again because he didn't want a confrontation. I suggest changing the locks and not allowing him back in your home to talk or for anything. I would be tempted to not meet him to talk because there is nothing to say. but if you must, go to a public location and have a friend call you to see if you need a rescue or to remind you not to let him back

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Your loser partner spells nothing but trouble. I agree with everyone else. Get rid of him otherwise his debts become your debts. He will go down the debt drain as you join him.

 

He cries and gives you sob stories, takes the tv and uses the tv as a bargaining chip. The deal is if you agree to give him space, he then says if all goes well, the tv will be returned to him. What a guy!

 

It's time to become strong and tough.

 

Don't question how he would've broken up with you. YOU take action and break up with him. There is no starting over. His CG (gambling habit) will be your downfall all too soon.

 

Since he cleared your flat, this is to your advantage. It's time to end this folly of a relationship so you can move forward with your life. Tell him it's over and forewarn him to cease all contact otherwise you'll be left with no other recourse other than to ghost and block if it has to come to that.

 

Be smart.

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Excellent. Is it your place? Get all his stuff out, sever all financial ties. Change all passwords to all accounts. Check your credit score. Change the locks and send a written 30 notice if he has stuff there.

 

Your life is not "on hold", he left. Kiss the sky for that blessing. Never be a mommy or martyr. No one loves or respects that. It's like writing "kick me" on your forehead. Consider getting some therapy to sort through all this and put your life back together in a more positive way.

TI’ve always forgiven him and stood by him whenever these money issues arise. When he asked for this space, I forgave him and said he could have it. But him walking out on me (at one of my lowest points), not letting me know he was feeling this way and expecting me to put my life on hold while he decides what he wants.
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What's so confusing about what 'he' wants? Sure, he'd like to avoid burning bridges with his enabler who loves him, but some people are best loved from far away. I'd skip any talks in a few weeks, because when nothing changes, nothing changes. Do you want to position yourself to keep playing house with someone who's demonstrated the capacity to lie, hide things and dump you? Is that kind of anxiety any way to live and plan a future with someone?

 

Stop believing what the guy 'says' and get clarity about the kind of partner you want for your future. This guy is not him.

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Responding to posts #10, #14, #16:

 

Hang in there and take all the time you need to process those thoughts. It sounds like you know what you're about and you'll be just fine. It just took going through this difficult process to realize a few things. This is not the end of the road and there's much, much more to life than this. Don't be afraid to start looking forwards when you're ready and learning to rebuild your life again.

 

I had a previous relationship where I discovered he had declared bankruptcy four years prior to meeting me. He told me well into the relationship so of course I was already emotionally invested. I also wasn't closed-minded immediately to think that a person could be judged solely on this mistake and I was open enough to work things through and make compromises. It didn't stop me from dating this person but there were other issues (differences and incompatibilities with decision-making) that showed itself over time. Those vast differences eventually broke us up and the differences included everything from ways of problem-solving, communication issues and how we approached other relationships like friends and family.

 

My point is: It's not on you for not recognizing him as someone incompatible. You tried it and you lived to tell the tale. Don't internalize any feelings of failure on your part because everyone makes mistakes and it's not your fault for giving someone a chance or being hopeful or trusting. What you can do is appreciate all the good times and acknowledge the bad times and strengthen your own resolve and work towards your own goals. You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself to pick the right company sometimes. Once you find your place and know your own path, similar people will join you in your journey. Things will fall into place. Like I said, this is not the end. Keep on going.

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Speaking as a daughter of a compulsive gambler, if you are okay with him losing millions and millions in his lifetime, then sure, keep it open. But no amount of therapy, promises, and prayers will make the compulsion stop.

 

Don't get me wrong, my dad is awesome. But he's also gambled away his and my mom's life insurance and 401K under her nose. Sells land and businesses to cover debts. He is endlessly racking up debt now. And my mom just puts up with it. But you are young, and don't have to. Find someone who will be honest with you.

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Thank you everyone for your advice.

 

I just wanted to give you an update on the situation... we went 5 days with no contact and finally I gave in and messaged him and said that I didn’t like the way that he was treating me and felt like he was stringing me along by leaving the door open and asked for the keys back.

 

He quickly responded and said that wasn’t the case and that he wanted to meet me at the weekend and see if we can start over.

 

I spoke to him on the phone this evening and he opened up more about how he had been feeling and the strain my work situation had put on us but he wants to work on our relationship. He’s been messaging me since, all very positive.

 

I have been such a mess crying and missing him so much, this outcome was what I was hoping for. But now I have it, I’m not so sure. I feel really hurt by his actions and I’m not sure I can trust him again. Especially on top of the money issues.

 

I’m going to meet him and see what happens...

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