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How can I stop allowing myself to be treated like an option?


Gymgirl71

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Scenario goes like this: I was always too available, I literally never said no..maybe once. He would make plans a few days before but then if he wanted to hang out another day I would say yes, and half the time he would cancel 😏 then he went from texting and calling all the time, to me doing most of the texting..he would call on his own and only then would he call. The ultimate blow was him saying “maybe” we would hang out a certain day and saying he will let me know the day before. That tells me he doesn’t value me. He isn’t a business owner or have a lot going on.

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The only way to it is through it. You're going to have to learn to be more assertive and associate less with people who treat you badly. Unfortunately, it's human nature to want to cut corners and take the easy way out. If there's an easy way of doing something or treating someone with less respect, a lot of people will find a way to do it as it requires less energy and not everyone has a conscience. It is easier to be neglectful and unaccountable than it is to pay attention to the needs of others or what others' are saying.

 

Just take care of yourself and know what's good for you. Everything else will fall into place. Him not being a business owner is just white noise (it shouldn't matter what he does for a living as long as you know he's honest and kind).

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You have to find the reason why you're always available. Are you afraid that he'll leave? Do you think you're not good enough? I'm assuming you've always been like this. The best way to find the answer to what you're asking is therapy. It's helped me TONS.

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You have to find the reason why you're always available. Are you afraid that he'll leave? Do you think you're not good enough? I'm assuming you've always been like this. The best way to find the answer to what you're asking is therapy. It's helped me TONS.
When I’m dating I tend to be too available..probably from my fear of abandonment
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You have to find the reason why you're always available. Are you afraid that he'll leave? Do you think you're not good enough? I'm assuming you've always been like this. The best way to find the answer to what you're asking is therapy. It's helped me TONS.
other problem is, I don’t wait for him to ask me out so I guess it makes me look desperate
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When I’m dating I tend to be too available..probably from my fear of abandonment

 

I had/have the same problem. Therapy has helped me a lot. Cognitive therapy, if that's any help, working on schemas and lifetraps. Best money and time I've ever spent.

 

I used to lose myself in relationships. Put my needs last and all that jazz. 1,5 years in therapy and have gotten WAY better at setting boundaries. I highly recommend it!

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Think of it this way.....

 

Let's say you really love ice cream. When you have some once or twice a week, you look forward to eating it. You enjoy it. However, if you start eating it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, pretty soon you are going to get really sick and bored with ice cream. You won't look forward to having it anymore and in fact, will pretty quickly start looking at other options or even none, just so long as you don't need look at another scoop of ice cream.

 

So relationships are like this. When you make yourself constantly available you become the breakfast, lunch, and dinner and people will get tired of that and want to do something else besides seeing you, talking to you, or spending time with you. Overload is not fun.

 

A large part of not getting sucked into this kind of unhealthy overload and to address your anxiety is to work hard on creating a busy and fulfilling life for yourself, where you have hobbies, friends, work, other interests you pursue so that a relationship is an addition to your already great life, but never the sole focus of it. So when the guy asks if he can see you again tomorrow....you really do have other things to do and the answer is, "I'd love to but, I have x, however in 4 days I can see you at y time." and you create a situation where he is looking forward to seeing you and cherishes that time because....it's human nature to value rare things.

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The business owner comment I meant because he isn’t super busy so has no excuse to plan last minute

 

I only dated super busy men. And they all made advance plans with me. It's not about busy -it's about motivation. You teach people how to treat you. Back in the day if it was early dating days -before we had an understanding/were exclusive -I declined weekend dates asked for after Wednesday with extremely rare exceptions. No cell phones back then or internet -so he had to reach me on a landline at work or home before the end of day Wednesday. Almost everyone did. One guy asked me out twice on a Thursday for the next day -I nicely said no and he claimed to be spontaneous etc. but decided that getting to see me was more important than so-called "spontaneity" (meaning it's great to be spontaneous about what to do on the date but unless a person is open to getting together whenever it's not fair to expect the other person to be "spontaneously" available).

 

Busy has nothing to do with it. All that means is if he can't make a plan in advance because of a work issue he can make a tentative plan or a plan far in advance or ask you nicely if it's ok if he confirms the day before or whenever he will know.

 

Decide whether the priority is to be respected or score last minute plans where you're likely an after thought. Downside is you might have an evening on your own or you might have to make other plans if you want plans. I always knew the downside was worth it and I most often was busy on those weekend nights with friends, etc. And when you assert yourself do it quietly and with dignity. "Oh, so sorry I can't make it". No need to lecture etc - the people who want to see you will get it right away and change their behavior.

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Scenario goes like this: I was always too available, I literally never said no..maybe once. He would make plans a few days before but then if he wanted to hang out another day I would say yes, and half the time he would cancel 😏 then he went from texting and calling all the time, to me doing most of the texting..he would call on his own and only then would he call. The ultimate blow was him saying “maybe” we would hang out a certain day and saying he will let me know the day before. That tells me he doesn’t value me. He isn’t a business owner or have a lot going on.

 

Stop texting him so darn much. Don't play games in when he reschedules you decline just to not be so available- rather make plans with other people,etc, and when he asks you out -- sometimes you will be able to say yes and sometimes you won't.

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I suggest you stop giving guys who cancel on you a second chance and just dump them or stop seeing them if its early days. There are men out there that won't jerk you around if you keep personal boundaries in place (as explained by Batya) and you quit thinking that you're going to lose them if you don't cater to their every whim.

 

Start framing yourself as the prize that any good man should want to be with and if he's not treating you like the prize you are then he's not worth giving him anymore of your time.

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I suggest you stop giving guys who cancel on you a second chance and just dump them or stop seeing them if its early days. There are men out there that won't jerk you around if you keep personal boundaries in place (as explained by Batya) and you quit thinking that you're going to lose them if you don't cater to their every whim.

 

Start framing yourself as the prize that any good man should want to be with and if he's not treating you like the prize you are then he's not worth giving him anymore of your time.

 

If you normally see eachother Friday night for a date and Wednesday night for dinner and he cancels (excuse him if the big boss came to town and they kept him late and they are passing out pink slips - parent was rushed to the hospital, etc., a fire takes the bridge he takes to go home out) and tries to reschedule for the next day, just say "that won't work for me -- let's do it on ... (the next normal day to date)". So he misses out.

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How can I stop allowing myself to be treated like an option?

 

If the question means, "How do I manipulate someone who doesn't value me into behaving as I wish?" The answer is, you don't. Otherwise, the answer to the question as written is, walk away from people who don't value you and value your Self instead.

 

Advice from Grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't value yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it.

 

Head high, and find a more productive focus.

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I only dated super busy men. And they all made advance plans with me. It's not about busy -it's about motivation. You teach people how to treat you. Back in the day if it was early dating days -before we had an understanding/were exclusive -I declined weekend dates asked for after Wednesday with extremely rare exceptions. No cell phones back then or internet -so he had to reach me on a landline at work or home before the end of day Wednesday. Almost everyone did. One guy asked me out twice on a Thursday for the next day -I nicely said no and he claimed to be spontaneous etc. but decided that getting to see me was more important than so-called "spontaneity" (meaning it's great to be spontaneous about what to do on the date but unless a person is open to getting together whenever it's not fair to expect the other person to be "spontaneously" available).

 

Busy has nothing to do with it. All that means is if he can't make a plan in advance because of a work issue he can make a tentative plan or a plan far in advance or ask you nicely if it's ok if he confirms the day before or whenever he will know.

 

Decide whether the priority is to be respected or score last minute plans where you're likely an after thought. Downside is you might have an evening on your own or you might have to make other plans if you want plans. I always knew the downside was worth it and I most often was busy on those weekend nights with friends, etc. And when you assert yourself do it quietly and with dignity. "Oh, so sorry I can't make it". No need to lecture etc - the people who want to see you will get it right away and change their behavior.

Agreed..if you want to see someone you make an effort..I’m going no contact with him. I also noticed a trend where at times it takes him several hours to reply to a text because he “is busy” don’t buy that BS. He always has his phone on him and if he wanted to communicate with me he would have
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I don't think you have to do that in order to show him how to treat you. Simply agree to plans that work for you and that are made in advance and tell him that if he needs to cancel for other than a last minute emergency to let you know far in advance - or tell him that if he doesn't confirm by x day you will make other plans.

 

I think he should respond to texts promptly that require a response - that are time sensitive. Otherwise I'm not sure why he needs to be available that quickly just to chat with you. My husband isn't, for example. And it's fine to not want to interact with you or anyone, etc.

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I don't think you have to do that in order to show him how to treat you. Simply agree to plans that work for you and that are made in advance and tell him that if he needs to cancel for other than a last minute emergency to let you know far in advance - or tell him that if he doesn't confirm by x day you will make other plans.

 

I think he should respond to texts promptly that require a response - that are time sensitive. Otherwise I'm not sure why he needs to be available that quickly just to chat with you. My husband isn't, for example. And it's fine to not want to interact with you or anyone, etc.

yes I get that..but he was pretty much ignoring me all day. My text and my phone call..
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yes I get that..but he was pretty much ignoring me all day. My text and my phone call..

 

But it depends on the point of the text and phone call - you're calling it "ignoring" and he may be busy/distracted/need me time. My husband and I used to talk every day that we didn't see each other, by phone for about 20-40 minutes at night. We exchanged one or two emails during the day and spoke more if needed for planning etc. We never texted (I didn't have a cell) or instant message. It kept things fresh -more to talk about -and also we roughly knew when our phone call would happen so if one of us wasn't available we'd let the other know. For example I love my sister to pieces and we text a few times a week and try to talk once a week. But if I finally have time to have a meal on my own at home (i.e. without my child around!) I decline her call and I often tell her why. Yes I "can" talk and I choose not to - I want my time to eat, relax, enjoy my meal before my son gets home. Sometimes I don't tell her why- depends. People are entitled not to jump every time you feel like chatting even if they care about you.

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But it depends on the point of the text and phone call - you're calling it "ignoring" and he may be busy/distracted/need me time. My husband and I used to talk every day that we didn't see each other, by phone for about 20-40 minutes at night. We exchanged one or two emails during the day and spoke more if needed for planning etc. We never texted (I didn't have a cell) or instant message. It kept things fresh -more to talk about -and also we roughly knew when our phone call would happen so if one of us wasn't available we'd let the other know. For example I love my sister to pieces and we text a few times a week and try to talk once a week. But if I finally have time to have a meal on my own at home (i.e. without my child around!) I decline her call and I often tell her why. Yes I "can" talk and I choose not to - I want my time to eat, relax, enjoy my meal before my son gets home. Sometimes I don't tell her why- depends. People are entitled not to jump every time you feel like chatting even if they care about you.
that’s fine, but I tried to reach him by phone and again ignored. Even when I asked him to call when free-ignored. Then I get one word responses hours later
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I am sorry you are dealing with this. Have you tried talking to him about they way this makes you feel? It is always best to be honest about what you are feeling so that there is no confusion. I hope everything works out!
he’s barely replying
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When I’m dating I tend to be too available..probably from my fear of abandonment

 

Hi Gymgirl, I agree with the others, especially the last post from ThatwasThen, time to just ditch him.

 

But re the above quote, I am trying to wrap my brain around this mindset.

 

Because when you become too available, never challenging the way he treats you by asserting your boundaries, and doing all or most of the initiating, you have to know you will actually cause the very thing you fear the most -- abandonment.

 

Why? Because your behavior suggests you don't respect yourself, and if you don't respect yourself, no man, no person, will either.

 

And when a man doesn't respect you, it's only a matter of time before he will leave you in search of another woman he can respect, a strong woman who asserts boundaries, who won't tolerate his BS.

 

I've seen it happen.

 

Anyway, you're on the right path. Next step is just blocking him, can you do that?

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