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Thread: How can I stop allowing myself to be treated like an option?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Gymgirl71
    Scenario goes like this: I was always too available, I literally never said no..maybe once. He would make plans a few days before but then if he wanted to hang out another day I would say yes, and half the time he would cancel 😏 then he went from texting and calling all the time, to me doing most of the texting..he would call on his own and only then would he call. The ultimate blow was him saying “maybe” we would hang out a certain day and saying he will let me know the day before. That tells me he doesn’t value me. He isn’t a business owner or have a lot going on.
    Stop texting him so darn much. Don't play games in when he reschedules you decline just to not be so available- rather make plans with other people,etc, and when he asks you out -- sometimes you will be able to say yes and sometimes you won't.

  2. #12
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    How can I stop allowing myself to be treated like an option?

    You're no longer an option. You're out. Only be with a man who knows how to treat a lady with respect. Everyone else is a reject.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I suggest you stop giving guys who cancel on you a second chance and just dump them or stop seeing them if its early days. There are men out there that won't jerk you around if you keep personal boundaries in place (as explained by Batya) and you quit thinking that you're going to lose them if you don't cater to their every whim.

    Start framing yourself as the prize that any good man should want to be with and if he's not treating you like the prize you are then he's not worth giving him anymore of your time.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I suggest you stop giving guys who cancel on you a second chance and just dump them or stop seeing them if its early days. There are men out there that won't jerk you around if you keep personal boundaries in place (as explained by Batya) and you quit thinking that you're going to lose them if you don't cater to their every whim.

    Start framing yourself as the prize that any good man should want to be with and if he's not treating you like the prize you are then he's not worth giving him anymore of your time.
    If you normally see eachother Friday night for a date and Wednesday night for dinner and he cancels (excuse him if the big boss came to town and they kept him late and they are passing out pink slips - parent was rushed to the hospital, etc., a fire takes the bridge he takes to go home out) and tries to reschedule for the next day, just say "that won't work for me -- let's do it on ... (the next normal day to date)". So he misses out.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Gymgirl71
    How can I stop allowing myself to be treated like an option?
    If the question means, "How do I manipulate someone who doesn't value me into behaving as I wish?" The answer is, you don't. Otherwise, the answer to the question as written is, walk away from people who don't value you and value your Self instead.

    Advice from Grandma: The problem is not that snakes will cross your path, they will. The problem comes when you don't value yourself enough to avoid picking up the snake to play with it.

    Head high, and find a more productive focus.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I only dated super busy men. And they all made advance plans with me. It's not about busy -it's about motivation. You teach people how to treat you. Back in the day if it was early dating days -before we had an understanding/were exclusive -I declined weekend dates asked for after Wednesday with extremely rare exceptions. No cell phones back then or internet -so he had to reach me on a landline at work or home before the end of day Wednesday. Almost everyone did. One guy asked me out twice on a Thursday for the next day -I nicely said no and he claimed to be spontaneous etc. but decided that getting to see me was more important than so-called "spontaneity" (meaning it's great to be spontaneous about what to do on the date but unless a person is open to getting together whenever it's not fair to expect the other person to be "spontaneously" available).

    Busy has nothing to do with it. All that means is if he can't make a plan in advance because of a work issue he can make a tentative plan or a plan far in advance or ask you nicely if it's ok if he confirms the day before or whenever he will know.

    Decide whether the priority is to be respected or score last minute plans where you're likely an after thought. Downside is you might have an evening on your own or you might have to make other plans if you want plans. I always knew the downside was worth it and I most often was busy on those weekend nights with friends, etc. And when you assert yourself do it quietly and with dignity. "Oh, so sorry I can't make it". No need to lecture etc - the people who want to see you will get it right away and change their behavior.
    Agreed..if you want to see someone you make an effort..I’m going no contact with him. I also noticed a trend where at times it takes him several hours to reply to a text because he “is busy” don’t buy that BS. He always has his phone on him and if he wanted to communicate with me he would have

  8. #17
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    I don't think you have to do that in order to show him how to treat you. Simply agree to plans that work for you and that are made in advance and tell him that if he needs to cancel for other than a last minute emergency to let you know far in advance - or tell him that if he doesn't confirm by x day you will make other plans.

    I think he should respond to texts promptly that require a response - that are time sensitive. Otherwise I'm not sure why he needs to be available that quickly just to chat with you. My husband isn't, for example. And it's fine to not want to interact with you or anyone, etc.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't think you have to do that in order to show him how to treat you. Simply agree to plans that work for you and that are made in advance and tell him that if he needs to cancel for other than a last minute emergency to let you know far in advance - or tell him that if he doesn't confirm by x day you will make other plans.

    I think he should respond to texts promptly that require a response - that are time sensitive. Otherwise I'm not sure why he needs to be available that quickly just to chat with you. My husband isn't, for example. And it's fine to not want to interact with you or anyone, etc.
    yes I get that..but he was pretty much ignoring me all day. My text and my phone call..

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Gymgirl71
    yes I get that..but he was pretty much ignoring me all day. My text and my phone call..
    But it depends on the point of the text and phone call - you're calling it "ignoring" and he may be busy/distracted/need me time. My husband and I used to talk every day that we didn't see each other, by phone for about 20-40 minutes at night. We exchanged one or two emails during the day and spoke more if needed for planning etc. We never texted (I didn't have a cell) or instant message. It kept things fresh -more to talk about -and also we roughly knew when our phone call would happen so if one of us wasn't available we'd let the other know. For example I love my sister to pieces and we text a few times a week and try to talk once a week. But if I finally have time to have a meal on my own at home (i.e. without my child around!) I decline her call and I often tell her why. Yes I "can" talk and I choose not to - I want my time to eat, relax, enjoy my meal before my son gets home. Sometimes I don't tell her why- depends. People are entitled not to jump every time you feel like chatting even if they care about you.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    But it depends on the point of the text and phone call - you're calling it "ignoring" and he may be busy/distracted/need me time. My husband and I used to talk every day that we didn't see each other, by phone for about 20-40 minutes at night. We exchanged one or two emails during the day and spoke more if needed for planning etc. We never texted (I didn't have a cell) or instant message. It kept things fresh -more to talk about -and also we roughly knew when our phone call would happen so if one of us wasn't available we'd let the other know. For example I love my sister to pieces and we text a few times a week and try to talk once a week. But if I finally have time to have a meal on my own at home (i.e. without my child around!) I decline her call and I often tell her why. Yes I "can" talk and I choose not to - I want my time to eat, relax, enjoy my meal before my son gets home. Sometimes I don't tell her why- depends. People are entitled not to jump every time you feel like chatting even if they care about you.
    that’s fine, but I tried to reach him by phone and again ignored. Even when I asked him to call when free-ignored. Then I get one word responses hours later

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