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Thread: 8 months NC.. Bday?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What everyone else is saying.

    At the end of the day, if you have to think about this for more than a second—let alone start a thread about it—it means you're not wishing happy birthday with clear motives.

    Last September was my ex's birthday. We'd been broken up for a year, basically no contact the whole time. I had moved on, but I didn't love the way things had ended: lots of ugliness, and the residue of that frustration lingered, as it does. I considered shooting her a note but then I challenged myself with the question of: why?

    The clearest answer I could come up with was: for my own ego. I wanted, as most humans do, to be seen as "nice" and "mature," to scrub away that icky residue "once and for all." And maybe I would have felt like that—for a moment. But at what cost? There was a chance I'd mess with her head, or mine. I was dating someone new at the time, living in a new city. That was reality, my present. My ex was my past. Why reach back and blur those lines?

    I'm a clever enough guy that I could tell myself a story in which it was a noble gesture, but I'm an honest enough guy to know that story would have been bogus. Ego. Just ego. And a great thing to learn to look in the eye and not react to.

    So, in the end I wished her a happy birthday and told her I hope she's doing well—in my heart. Those were facts, for me. I didn't need them validated.

    I have other exes—from many, many moons ago—who I'll wish happy birthday to. But I don't think about it. We're friends. I also wish them congratulations when they get engaged, buy a home, have a baby. Friends. No different from any other friends in my life, truly, to the point where I don't even identify them as an "ex" but as a friend. They are part of my present.

    This guy is part of your past, for the time being. You're still working through that, and that's okay. Keep working. Wish him a happy birthday in your head and heart and you might find, in doing so, that you're taking a forward step toward more healing rather than a backwards step toward more confusion.

  2. #12
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    I think that deep inside you harbour some hope of rekindling this relationship. Or else, you wouldn't have this urge to contact him. You figure it's your chance to start something with him. If he made no move to contact you in 8 months, then it's very clear that he wants nothing to do with you (sorry for being so harsh). Let it go and don't bother. In fact, there's a very good chance that you'll wind up getting hurt again. So, why go there?

    Also, do what bluecastle suggests: wish him a happy birthday in your heart. That is some really sage advice.

  3. #13
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's unhealthy to try to rekindle sentimental feelings with an ex. This can be with an ex-gf, ex-bf, ex-friend, ex-relative, ex anybody. Once it's over, it's over.

    The problem with caring after it's over is, you need to be prepared to feel hurt and pained should feelings not be reciprocal. Either you'll be ghosted, blocked, ignored, receive a lukewarm reception at best or backlash in the harshest way.

    Don't ever try to bury the hatchet otherwise the hatchet will be hurled at you, you'll get stabbed or beheaded which you didn't see coming. Once there is estrangement, you need to stick to your word and remain there.

    Learn to let go and move forward. Don't dwell on past people. They've since moved on as should you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Leave him alone, forget he exists and work on meeting a good guy that you were meant to be with.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Although it's a common thing, don't use this as an excuse to restart a conversation. It's very transparent.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Don’t bother!!!

    I broke up with my ex three years ago.. we finally spoke briefly about 7 months ago and became friends on FB again. He never liked or commented on ANY thing.. I gladly unfriended him and never looked back. Life is too short for that nonsense. Be happy!!!

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