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8 months NC.. Bday?


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Hi all,

It's been a long time. I'm feeling like contacting my ex and saying Happy Birthday. I've grown a lot over this time, and I do still care for him, but its not as desperate as it was back then. Do you even try and send a caring message wishing them the best on their birthday? I thought it would be a nice gesture to "bury the hatchet"

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You didn’t wish him a happy birthday last year.

Because you didn’t know him this time last year!

In fact in the past year you only knew him for 12 weeks? Is that correct?

 

You shouldn’t even remember what his date of birth is never mind wish him a happy one???

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Try to be honest about why you want to do this. If not with us, at least with yourself.

 

You are hoping to reconnect. Maybe even hoping he is delighted to hear from you and suggests trying again.

 

You will say it won't bother you if he ignores you or just replies "thank you". But would it? Honestly?

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Ok... this is going to hurt... but it’s the thought that stopped me in my tracks from ever contacting my ex... we broke up shortly after my niece passed away (she was 22).

 

Life is short. There are a ton of people who love me and WANT me around and to be a part of their lives. Friends. Family. The people I volunteer with would love more of my time and dedication to the cause. Heck! I could walk down the street and talk to the folks at the senior’s residence and they would LOVE to sit and chat. All those people would very much love and appreciate every ounce of energy I could bring their way.

 

When you broke up (and he hasn’t been in touch) - that was a very clear indication that he doesn’t want you in his life. For whatever crazy reason, he feels his life would be better without you. Ouch.

 

I don’t think you should spend even an ounce more energy on people who don’t want you around. Spend it on the people who DO want you around (and trust me, there are a ton of them).

 

He doesn’t deserve your “happy birthday”.

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It's never a good idea to contact an ex for any reason, if there's still even a grain of romantic feelings. If he replies, you might turn that grain of sand into a full blown beach again, if he doesn't reply, you'll be sad again.

 

Ironically, the best time to contact your ex, is when you really don't want to. I'd leave it be.

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It would maybe have been harmless, but you just made a post on this forum about it, which makes it not harmless.

 

Would you post here asking if it was okay to send a "happy birthday" text to friends and family? No? That's because those people are part of your life, love you, and want to hear from you.

 

It's been 8 months. You don't have to be over it, but you do need to pretend that you are where he's concerned.

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It's been around 17 months for me....so I'm well beyond any 'NC = Reconciliation' stage....

 

Last month I wished my ex a happy birthday, coz she always remembered mine.....

 

About a week later she just replied 'Thanks'.....The indifference was palpable....

 

That will hopefully be the last time I send any messages.....

 

As the others have said, be very, very truthful with yourself about any agenda behind sending it......

 

Our exes have moved on with their lives and buried their own hatchets*

 

In the end though noone can guarantee any potential outcomes and it's up to you.

 

Carus*

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The part where you said you still care about him bothers me. It doesn't seem the general type of caring for your fellow human being and seems reminiscent of some other residual feelings you might have. I think if you mentioned you were curious or just for giggles or if it was an offhand sort of thing like SGH was referring to (not having to think twice about it), it might not be a big deal.

 

I think if you still care about him or are wondering how he's doing or what he's up to, you're not completely over the relationship and it's not a good idea to start initiating any form of contact. I'd bypass this and keep meeting new people and enjoy your time with your friends and family.

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If you really think about it, the birthday wish is intended to benefit you more than it does him. He's moved on and you are hoping to either look like the bigger person

(nothing wrong with that) or possibly crack open a door that's already been firmly shut.

 

When the opportunity was there, did he wish you a happy birthday?

 

Just don't.

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Naaaah. It's not important. If someone wants to move on from you by dumping you, they aren't interested in what you think of their birthday. If you're the one who initiated the breakup, then tossing them such a breadcrumb does more harm to them than good.

 

There's really no reason to do it.

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What everyone else is saying.

 

At the end of the day, if you have to think about this for more than a second—let alone start a thread about it—it means you're not wishing happy birthday with clear motives.

 

Last September was my ex's birthday. We'd been broken up for a year, basically no contact the whole time. I had moved on, but I didn't love the way things had ended: lots of ugliness, and the residue of that frustration lingered, as it does. I considered shooting her a note but then I challenged myself with the question of: why?

 

The clearest answer I could come up with was: for my own ego. I wanted, as most humans do, to be seen as "nice" and "mature," to scrub away that icky residue "once and for all." And maybe I would have felt like that—for a moment. But at what cost? There was a chance I'd mess with her head, or mine. I was dating someone new at the time, living in a new city. That was reality, my present. My ex was my past. Why reach back and blur those lines?

 

I'm a clever enough guy that I could tell myself a story in which it was a noble gesture, but I'm an honest enough guy to know that story would have been bogus. Ego. Just ego. And a great thing to learn to look in the eye and not react to.

 

So, in the end I wished her a happy birthday and told her I hope she's doing well—in my heart. Those were facts, for me. I didn't need them validated.

 

I have other exes—from many, many moons ago—who I'll wish happy birthday to. But I don't think about it. We're friends. I also wish them congratulations when they get engaged, buy a home, have a baby. Friends. No different from any other friends in my life, truly, to the point where I don't even identify them as an "ex" but as a friend. They are part of my present.

 

This guy is part of your past, for the time being. You're still working through that, and that's okay. Keep working. Wish him a happy birthday in your head and heart and you might find, in doing so, that you're taking a forward step toward more healing rather than a backwards step toward more confusion.

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I think that deep inside you harbour some hope of rekindling this relationship. Or else, you wouldn't have this urge to contact him. You figure it's your chance to start something with him. If he made no move to contact you in 8 months, then it's very clear that he wants nothing to do with you (sorry for being so harsh). Let it go and don't bother. In fact, there's a very good chance that you'll wind up getting hurt again. So, why go there?

 

Also, do what bluecastle suggests: wish him a happy birthday in your heart. That is some really sage advice.

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It's unhealthy to try to rekindle sentimental feelings with an ex. This can be with an ex-gf, ex-bf, ex-friend, ex-relative, ex anybody. Once it's over, it's over.

 

The problem with caring after it's over is, you need to be prepared to feel hurt and pained should feelings not be reciprocal. Either you'll be ghosted, blocked, ignored, receive a lukewarm reception at best or backlash in the harshest way.

 

Don't ever try to bury the hatchet otherwise the hatchet will be hurled at you, you'll get stabbed or beheaded which you didn't see coming. Once there is estrangement, you need to stick to your word and remain there.

 

Learn to let go and move forward. Don't dwell on past people. They've since moved on as should you.

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Don’t bother!!!

 

I broke up with my ex three years ago.. we finally spoke briefly about 7 months ago and became friends on FB again. He never liked or commented on ANY thing.. I gladly unfriended him and never looked back. Life is too short for that nonsense. Be happy!!!

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