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Thread: Jealous of the new girlfriend in the family

  1. #1

    Jealous of the new girlfriend in the family

    I feel so self-centered and foolish admitting this. But I feel as if I have no one to talk to because I feel no one around me understands the emotional turmoil Iím feeling.
    For four years, Iíve had the wonderful privilege of being the only girlfriend in a wonderful family. My boyfriendís mom, dad, and brother have all shown me so much kindness and love. It was the closest thing to a normal family Iíve ever had. My parents split up when I was a kid, and weíve never really shown affection. In addition, my more attractive and more resourceful younger sister is the preferred one. Iím most often the black sheep. With my boyfriendís family though, I feel so loved and accepted.
    Recently, my boyfriendís younger brother got himself a new girlfriend. Though I genuinely believe she is kind and possesses good feelings toward me, I canít help the anxiety that Iím going to be replaced. In the past, Iíve been the replaced one in many friendships.
    I feel so selfish for being so insecure about my relationship with my boyfriendís family. I regard them not only as a second family but as some of my greatest friends. I feel like Iím scared that Iím going to lose my relationship with them or that everything will change. Iíve shed many tears over this, and I just need someoneís advice about to this. Am I crazy and selfish? Probably. But I really just love his family and the close relationship we have.
    Thank you for your time.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Therapy could help you sort out issues regarding your own family and sibling rivalry there. His family is not your family. Unless you get these competitive and jealous feelings under control, life will be hell. Only therapy can help you sort out the need to play mirror-mirror and be the only special snowflake in the land.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I genuinely believe she is kind and possesses good feelings toward me,
    This is the thing to focus on, because the brother was bound to find himself a GF at some point, and you're lucky that she's not a hostile shrew.

    You have a private history of a dynamic that's triggered by this situation, and while that doesn't make you selfish, it makes you miserable. I would take it to a therapist, since they're trained to help people navigate EXACTLY this kind of stuff.

    Most people have no trouble hiring a plumber or a lawyer or a tax preparer when they need practical expertise, but what could be more practical than your quality of life? You're smart for being discreet with BF and his family about how this dynamic has triggered your fears, but that doesn't mean you need to suffer on your own--hire some help.

    Meanwhile, I'd make it my private goal to surprise myself with my own resilience and ability to bounce back from old fears. I'd explore the positive potential in adopting this woman as a new friend, and I'd invest pride in my own ability to share--rather than compete for--a spotlight that is large enough for everyone in this generous family to enjoy.

    Love is infinite, it's not a piece of a pie.

  4. #4
    Thank you so much for the advice. Iím genuinely excited to develop a relationship with this new woman in his life and to extend the love and kindness his family has shown me. I feel so fortunate to have someone as kind and accepting as her.
    I was in a very vulnerable place, and I was in great need of getting all of this off of my chest. So I greatly appreciate your feedback.
    Itís an important thing to remember the boundless qualities of love; thank you for the reminder :)

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Take things in stride and spend some time together during the family get-togethers. She may be very different from you and both of you can bring your different perspectives to family events and enjoy lots of laughs and good times. Try to stay positive.

    I have two brothers and we met our partners at different parts of our lives. From a group of three siblings, we are now six and it feels very nice with our own families and when we get together. The ladies have different personalities: I'm more outdoors oriented (finding any reason to connect with the earth), the youngest is more classically trained (musically talented) and very soft spoken and the other sister-in-law is much more of a hostess and loves parties and a very elegant lady. We certainly have our differences but get togethers are always very fun and I learn a lot from them even though I'm the oldest. They are both in healthcare as my brothers are and I took after my father in finance/accounting so we have different ways of thinking. I really appreciate their perspectives a lot and find their patience and experience with a lot of issues very valuable and enjoy talking with them.

    Give her a chance and see where it goes. It's a great opportunity to make a new friend.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I don't think you're crazy and selfish. I think you're insecure.

    Remember to separate yourself from your bf's brother's girlfriend. She is her own person as are you. You and her are embraced by your bf's family. Don't feel competitive and jealous. Be happy and secure that you are loved for who you are, as your bf's girlfriend and be grateful. Learn to like your bf's brother's girlfriend. Show grace. It's not your stage. Be humble in attitude and behavior. This is not a race between you and her and favoritism. Be a good person. Be a very decent human being and change your heart. Your changed heart will give you a changed mind.

    You do not have to share love and attention with your bf's family. Be content and grateful for being part of this new family dynamic you have. Remind yourself of this. Over time, know your place, behave like a lady and you will be fine.

    In various scenarios, I felt like you, too. Even though my stories are different, I see parallels. I grew comfortable in my own skin. I know I am loved and accepted for being me and my husband's wife. There are other sisters-in-law (SIL) in the picture and I don't care who gets the limelight. I'm secure, I'm in and hold my own. After this type of behavior, I've since earned respect from all. You can be the same if you play your cards right.

    Don't be hurt, jealous, envious, crazy or selfish. Be self assured. Be strong. You've earned your spot. Act with grace, poise, discretion, aplomb and carry yourself as a class act. You will be fine if you change the way you think and act. Then you will be in autopilot. Remain conscientious and you will be happy and secure.

  8. #7
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    Now you have someone new to gab with at family socials!!! Be glad!!

    I have two boys, and I will let you in on a secret. They are so different, and I love them equally so much. I would love their girl or boy friends.

    Nothing to be jealous of. Now you get another lady to be in your bridal party, baby shower, aunts, etc. one day who gets what's it's like to be with one of those boys in the family

    Watch Life in Pieces. It's like that in my family. Hahahaha. My folks love all their in-laws.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Watch Life in Pieces. It's like that in my family. Hahahaha. My folks love all their in-laws.
    This show is hilarious. I've laughed pretty hard watching it too as it reminds me of our family also.

  10. #9
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    Crazy and selfish? No. Fearful and traumatised - yes.

    You're equating your lovely substitute family with your own dysfunctional one, which they clearly aren't! Hopefully they will love and welcome this new young lady, but that doesn't mean for a minute that they will feel any different to you; it just doesn't work like that. Unfortunately if we grow up in a family where there isn't much affection, we can grow up subconsciously thinking that there isn't much love around, and it's rationed - if someone we care about loves someone else, it means there's less love for us. Of course, that's not the way it works AT ALL, and you need to reassure that insecure small person inside you of that.

    The other thing is that you need to be careful that you don't subconsciously pull back from his family because you're expecting to be 'replaced'; I once confided to a friend when I was a teenager that I would introduce people to each other, and then they seemed to 'pal up' and I'd be pushed out. I was reassured that it wasn't that I was being pushed out - but because I expected this to happen, I'd distance myself and it would then become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Counselling would help if you really can't get past this, but if I were you I'd make a real effort to be friends with a nice young girl who sounds as though she wants to be friends with you... and hopefully you can put the ghosts from your past to rest.

    Good luck!


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