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Thread: Boyfriend of over 2 years texting coworker, hurt by what I saw. please help?

  1. #1

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    Boyfriend of over 2 years texting coworker, hurt by what I saw. please help?

    So.. I know I am in the wrong for snooping. But he has been on his phone lately texting loads and so yes, i did feel threatened.

    This is the story....

    recently he went away for 2 nights with work and he was texting the coworker whilst he was away. She has recently had a boob job.

    I saw that the he put to her he heard a picture had gone around and that she had sent one to another coworker (her female friend) she said yeah etc...
    she said don't worry though you will just have to use your imagination. He said don't worry he will he is a man and he is good with his imagination. There was a MASSIVE flirty tone to the convo with winks and flirty emojis. he said that he is sure her boyfriend X will love her new boobs, she said he is just taking the p*ss, so my boyfriend said he is silly etc.


    Other messages involved asking her if she had seen the picture of him going around playing a sport and what did she think about it? She said she loved his side to side skills and he asked her to rate them. Innocent, but a whole flirty tone. I am mortified.


    She went on about her boobs being sore and he was asking her about them.

    she did say sorry if I am making my feel awkward I am just happy with my new boobs, he said no you aren't.

    I was so wrong for going through the messages, I just felt so insecure at him texting her loads. However, whilst he was away the messages were not flirty to me and that upset me. surely he should be flirty with me.

    I am now stuck because if I confront him, I am wrong. I have broken the barriers. she has had her boob job now so surely flirting will stop or was this all wrong to begin with?

    Please can somebody help me.

  2. #2
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    Of course his interaction with her is inappropriate for three reasons.
    He is in a relationship, thereby being disrespectful of that.
    She is in a relationship, thereby being disrespectful of hers.
    She is a work colleague and overstepping that boundary.

    What led you to snoop?
    I doubt itís because he is texting a lot.
    If you were secure in your relationship you wouldnít jump to a conclusion that heís cheating etc.
    Other potential conclusions you could jump to is that a male friend of his is having private personal issues and he is being a good friend to him.
    Or he is planning a surprise for you?
    Or he is in a group chat with mates or a sports team or endless reasons.

    So the reason you snooped is not because of increased texting but some insecurities you have with the relationship.
    Iím not saying they arenít unfounded.

    So what is the real issue?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Flirty and talking about her breasts are inappropriate. I think anyone could see that.

    Your boundaries and his do not match up. He also isn't respecting you by behaving like that with another woman.

    This really comes down to what you will tolerate or not. Talking to him won't fix a whole lot. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to deal with how he acts or not.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating? What was the gut feeling that motivated you to look through his phone? This is not about the coworkers surgery or boobs, it's about a lack of trust, boundaries and respect in the relationship. It doesn't sound like they are interested in each other but it sounds like a very weird topic for two coworkers.

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  6. #5
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    Heís got a crush on her and is being inappropriate, not to mention very disrespectful of your relationship.

    Iím guessing things hadnít been going so well between you two if you felt compelled to go into his phone. Unfortunately, you confirmed your suspicions that something wasnít right.

    You have a hard choice ahead of you. You can own up and let him know what you saw and how much it hurts you, or you can simply call it a day and let him figure out why. Or, you can tell him what you read and that youíre walking away as he clearly doesnít value the relationship the same way you do.

    My feeling has always been that if someone is detached enough to bust boundaries like this and start testing the waters with someone else, there are serious issues that simply cutting contact with their crush wonít remedy. The underlying problems will still be there.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How long have you been dating? What was the gut feeling that motivated you to look through his phone? This is not about the coworkers surgery or boobs, it's about a lack of trust, boundaries and respect in the relationship. It doesn't sound like they are interested in each other but it sounds like a very weird topic for two coworkers.
    The title says over 2 years

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Instead of addressing the content of his messages, why not raise the behaviors that prompted you to snoop? Discuss the changes you've noticed, and ask him whether he's willing to address those with you in exchange for some changes he wants from you.

    I think the messages sound stupid rather than threatening. If someone's boob job has become the office gossip, then, whatever. I'd be more focused on how BF has been behaving with you, which is what caused your desire to snoop in the first place.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's inappropriate. Has he ever shown indiscretions of any kind around you or do you generally know him to be a flirty or outgoing person who generally likes breast enhancements? If the answer is no, I can imagine how his behaviour has blindsided you.

    He doesn't seem like a respectful person in general. Even if the messages are interpreted as superficial and silly, it doesn't sound like he's emotionally attached to you or loyal to you. I'm sorry to say that. You don't deserve someone treating you that way and I'd be more careful insisting on being with anyone that does going forward. I'd take this as a hint, stay classy and move on from this relationship. He's entitled to his banter with his friends or colleagues and completely entitled to his likes and dislikes. You just don't have to stick around for it. I don't believe this relationship is on very solid ground. You deserve better.

  10. #9
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    That is not okay op. :/ I'd been ending things.

  11. #10
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    This is BEYOND inappropriate! He could lose his job if anyone were to say anything.

    It sounds like your boyfriend has an issue with boundaries--both personal and professional, as does his coworker. If you are sneaking around and looking at his text messages, maybe he gave you reason to doubt his trustworthiness? It sounds like you already have the cake (the reason you were snooping) and now you have the icing (the text messages). Is the icing on the cake?


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