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Thread: Helpline said not abuse just incompatible

  1. #1
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    Helpline said not abuse just incompatible

    Hi I've posted here before ,been told my partner behaviour was abusive. I'm taking steps to leave but it's taking longer than I expected due to various factors, I rang a domestic violence helpline hoping to get practical advice but got told it's not abuse we are just incompatible! Please can someone online please define what's abusive, as I need it explained by people who know what there talking about so I can give details to organizations.
    I know a bit about abuse but not sure about all the terms so please can you help, I'm very distressed and want to leave asap but I need to understand abuse a bit better so I can explain exactly what's going on to the helpline s and authorities.
    He's said upsetting comments then said I'm being over sensitive ,made joke about things he's got annoyed with me over in the past example, I'm annoying hard to live with ECT then said he's joking playing around. When I was having severe allergy attack I needed to open windows he said I went mental opening window s he didn't like the way I did it,I told him I couldn't breathe as severe allergy attack throat closing before. When I asked him if he could mind my pasta while I finish my game said after cooking there a for princesses Madame in sarcastic tone.I only asked him as a favour nicely to help me. He got annoyed at me for saying I was disappointed about the weather being bad on our special day out together made joke then said I was being over sensitive .
    if he made cruel comments I said I was upset said I'm not doing anything your doing it to yourself. I said I feel like I'm walking on egg shells as I can't say anything without you getting angry he said he feels like he's walking on egg shells as I'm being too sensitive. He blocked my way from going out the door grabbed me by the neck and said we are going to talk about this. When I was distressed.

    Acused me of stuff I didn't and didn't mean to do as well then when I was having to explain said he hated the tone of my voice ,when I was upset then mocks made sounds of my voice when I was talking ,I said don't mock me don't tell me what to do he said. I made a spillage in the kitchen he cleaned it up I said I would have cleaned it up he said you wouldn't have ,when I was talking made noises mocked me saying he didn't need the drama.When I was crying hard , I was so distressed over his comments ,said I was mental.
    When I said please I'm begging you to go to gp as he needed help over his untold it's really affecting our relationship, he needed help over his behaviour ,he said beg beg I don't need the drama. He mocked me again said I bring out the worst in him that's why he behaves the way he dose. Said I was hard to live with as I mentioned a few dogs attacked me in the woods and I mentioned people being rude to me but he was sympathetic at the time,I don't mention that stuff or try so.hard not to mention any problems or issues I monitor what I say not to get him annoyed but I thought he would understand being attacked by dogs it was just sharing my day.
    When I talked to him he gets annoyed as he wanted time to him self I said I didn't know he needed time to himself ,I said he needed to tell me as so I know not to upset him or invade his space he said he didn't need to do anything.I was trying to be happy chatting a lot he said I was too much. I was trying to sound calm but still said about my tone.When I asked him to print some stuff off for me for the gp as they haven't listened to me and he was sympathetic to start with earlier said he would do it ,I asked him to print this out,I was preparing for appointment it's very important , he said don't impose it on him he did say I needed to Dr to understand as it might be cancer melanoma ,I was trying to get him to understand how important it was as I thought it might be cancer and have had horrible Drs who dismiss me,he said I had a attitude ,I said it calmly just trying to explain then said he's sick of hearing about moles and said I was being horrible.I said I didn't have an attitude just needed his support for serious issues. He said I don't have attitude what's with the t.
    I said about him turning what I say back to him he said it's defensive not manipulative. When I said I need to know what side I was of him as I didn't know he smiled and said usually to the right. He Said I don't know when to shut up but he doesn't listen then distressed me then I said he isn't listening then he asks me questions don't let me finish,mocks me then when I try to shorten conversation still says I don't know when to shut up.
    Says you done ,finished ? In sarcastic tone. When I tried to walk.away he got annoyed with the way i walked away I was showing emotion as I was distressed and angry at him for mocking me.gets annoyed at me if I show any emotion in my tone or during the day I try to hard to be calm but I can't be calm all the time. I try to be light hearted he still says I'm too much . If I said about this to him he says it must be me he doesn't have that problem with anyone else. He says he's trying to protect himself that's why he mocks me and is sarcastic. He said he dose it to stop him self from exploding. He said I make him want to smash me to pieces,he said he wouldn't do that.
    He tries to be nice ,ie I'm sorry to hear that or hope I have a good day.He said he dose care he doesn't have capacity to care.He said he cares immensely for me he says he dose respect me.He said he's lightening the mood when he jokes over serious stuff I said it's when I need him to be serious when I'm talking about my feelings. He sings about my upset feelings. He said I care too much.He said jokes that's were offensive e.g sexist raisist then said I have no sense of humour. Laughed at titanic Seane where people were hitting there bodies on the ship falling off. He called a bunch of old ladies the f word when they were walking zebra crossing , I thought it wasn't very nice they were old .He swore more then said would that do me in a angry way but then said he was joking. He said I wasn't ing talking to you ,then when I went up to say I didn't know he wasn't talking to me he said shut f up and hit me lightly then said it's not gbh .He said I drove him to it.
    He punched walls during times when I said he's being insensitive. He punched his a while back .then punched the table that he hurt himself on. He says he understands when I said about him being insensitive and mean and intolerant then he gets annoyed again over those things I said to him. He gets angry over anything I do ,then if I said about him being angry gets angry at me and says I didn't need to say anything. I'm scared to leave but I want to.He smiles give me presents after being horrible sometimes. He says he's trying really hard he will be sweet then horrible. I've tried to sound calm during conversations not to get distressed.I've not talked about my problem s.I've tried to shorten conversationalist all day, cooks special.dinners I've tried to keep out his way. I try not not ask for help only when I really feel I need it.He still says he's sick of my problems .
    He blames stress for his behaviour. I try to be positive as much as possible ,I'm traumatised by this all. But dose it sound like tramabonding I think he's okay now as he's being nice . He never used to be so intolerant I can't even be in the kitchen he gets annoyed and shoes me out saying I was in the way I was next to the fridge. I tried so hard to please him not to do what annoyed him . It's still not enough. There was a time when he was a lot nicer and patient.He shook me recently saying I was too close ? He didn't shake me hard but this scared me.
    Last edited by Moonlight37; 06-05-2019 at 08:14 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Can you please edit the post with paragraphs? It's easier to read.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Hope you can exit this toxic and dysfunctional relationship ASAP.

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    Why do you need to prove he's abusive? To whom do you need to prove it?

    You can leave this mess anytime you want. You don't have to prove anything to anyone.

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    I feel it would help with finding a shelter or if I need to get retraining order I'm scared of him. Plus I'm married to him . being married ,I didn't know he would change. I want to move and the shelters have risk assessment s .he used to be a lot nicer. Patient ,empathic
    Last edited by Moonlight37; 06-05-2019 at 08:50 PM.

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    I feel it would help with finding a shelter or if I need to get retraining order I'm scared of him. ,I didn't know he would change. I want to move and the shelters have risk assessment s. I need shelter or something my mum refuses to take me in . I don't work as I have health issues. I'm on benefits . Not a lot less that £100 a week .and my friend s won't take me in. I suffer from severe anxiety ,so it's so hard but I want to leave but I'm scared can anyone relate? I forgot to mention he did a few things like 7 months into relationship like punching walls and swearing at people road rage maybe a few insensitive jokes ,all the other stuff happened much later after a lot of stress. I thought I could fix him before this other stuff at the beginning. Now I realise I cant.

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    I cannot follow any of your writing or thought patterns. Why not just move out if you live together?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Have you gotten help for your health issues or are you making a choice to remain dependent on a man who from the sounds of it is resentful of having to be your caretaker?

    Im not saying he isnt horrible to you because he is, but you are failing yourself by not taking responsibility for your own health and emotional wellbeing.

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    I don't think you would qualify for a place in a women's refuge because although your husband is horrible to you, I didn't read anything that says you've been the victim of sustained physical violence/threat. Sadly lots of people resort to saying and doing hurtful things when they've had enough of their relationship and don't have the balls to end it themselves. He may be behaving like that because he knows you don't like it and is hoping you will end things.

    If there are no crime numbers/reports etc to substantiate physical violence against you then maybe that's why the person you spoke to said it wasn't abuse. That's not to say your husband hasn't been abusive, only that it's not the type or severity that warrants help from a shelter. Places are in very short supply and they can only assist those in the greatest danger.

    I suggest you go to Citizens Advice as they are used to helping people on benefits to get out (my friend works for them and it's commonplace).

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by poorlittlefish
    I don't think you would qualify for a place in a women's refuge because although your husband is horrible to you, I didn't read anything that says you've been the victim of sustained physical violence/threat. Sadly lots of people resort to saying and doing hurtful things when they've had enough of their relationship and don't have the balls to end it themselves. He may be behaving like that because he knows you don't like it and is hoping you will end things.

    If there are no crime numbers/reports etc to substantiate physical violence against you then maybe that's why the person you spoke to said it wasn't abuse. That's not to say your husband hasn't been abusive, only that it's not the type or severity that warrants help from a shelter. Places are in very short supply and they can only assist those in the greatest danger.

    I suggest you go to Citizens Advice as they are used to helping people on benefits to get out (my friend works for them and it's commonplace).
    This sounds like great advice. It doesnít take away from what you are experiencing itís just that all such programs have to have some sort of filter that enables them to provide help to those that need it most.

    I would suggest seeking the advice of legal counsel as well, there are many that operate on a sliding scale, as you would likely be entitled to some sort of alimony payments if you havenít been working.

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