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Helpline said not abuse just incompatible


Moonlight37

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Hi I've posted here before ,been told my partner behaviour was abusive. I'm taking steps to leave but it's taking longer than I expected due to various factors, I rang a domestic violence helpline hoping to get practical advice but got told it's not abuse we are just incompatible! Please can someone online please define what's abusive, as I need it explained by people who know what there talking about so I can give details to organizations.

I know a bit about abuse but not sure about all the terms so please can you help, I'm very distressed and want to leave asap but I need to understand abuse a bit better so I can explain exactly what's going on to the helpline s and authorities.

He's said upsetting comments then said I'm being over sensitive ,made joke about things he's got annoyed with me over in the past example, I'm annoying hard to live with ECT then said he's joking playing around. When I was having severe allergy attack I needed to open windows he said I went mental opening window s he didn't like the way I did it,I told him I couldn't breathe as severe allergy attack throat closing before. When I asked him if he could mind my pasta while I finish my game said after cooking there a for princesses Madame in sarcastic tone.I only asked him as a favour nicely to help me. He got annoyed at me for saying I was disappointed about the weather being bad on our special day out together made joke then said I was being over sensitive .

if he made cruel comments I said I was upset said I'm not doing anything your doing it to yourself. I said I feel like I'm walking on egg shells as I can't say anything without you getting angry he said he feels like he's walking on egg shells as I'm being too sensitive. He blocked my way from going out the door grabbed me by the neck and said we are going to talk about this. When I was distressed.

 

Acused me of stuff I didn't and didn't mean to do as well then when I was having to explain said he hated the tone of my voice ,when I was upset then mocks made sounds of my voice when I was talking ,I said don't mock me don't tell me what to do he said. I made a spillage in the kitchen he cleaned it up I said I would have cleaned it up he said you wouldn't have ,when I was talking made noises mocked me saying he didn't need the drama.When I was crying hard , I was so distressed over his comments ,said I was mental.

When I said please I'm begging you to go to gp as he needed help over his untold it's really affecting our relationship, he needed help over his behaviour ,he said beg beg I don't need the drama. He mocked me again said I bring out the worst in him that's why he behaves the way he dose. Said I was hard to live with as I mentioned a few dogs attacked me in the woods and I mentioned people being rude to me but he was sympathetic at the time,I don't mention that stuff or try so.hard not to mention any problems or issues I monitor what I say not to get him annoyed but I thought he would understand being attacked by dogs it was just sharing my day.

When I talked to him he gets annoyed as he wanted time to him self I said I didn't know he needed time to himself ,I said he needed to tell me as so I know not to upset him or invade his space he said he didn't need to do anything.I was trying to be happy chatting a lot he said I was too much. I was trying to sound calm but still said about my tone.When I asked him to print some stuff off for me for the gp as they haven't listened to me and he was sympathetic to start with earlier said he would do it ,I asked him to print this out,I was preparing for appointment it's very important , he said don't impose it on him he did say I needed to Dr to understand as it might be cancer melanoma ,I was trying to get him to understand how important it was as I thought it might be cancer and have had horrible Drs who dismiss me,he said I had a attitude ,I said it calmly just trying to explain then said he's sick of hearing about moles and said I was being horrible.I said I didn't have an attitude just needed his support for serious issues. He said I don't have attitude what's with the t.

I said about him turning what I say back to him he said it's defensive not manipulative. When I said I need to know what side I was of him as I didn't know he smiled and said usually to the right. He Said I don't know when to shut up but he doesn't listen then distressed me then I said he isn't listening then he asks me questions don't let me finish,mocks me then when I try to shorten conversation still says I don't know when to shut up.

Says you done ,finished ? In sarcastic tone. When I tried to walk.away he got annoyed with the way i walked away I was showing emotion as I was distressed and angry at him for mocking me.gets annoyed at me if I show any emotion in my tone or during the day I try to hard to be calm but I can't be calm all the time. I try to be light hearted he still says I'm too much . If I said about this to him he says it must be me he doesn't have that problem with anyone else. He says he's trying to protect himself that's why he mocks me and is sarcastic. He said he dose it to stop him self from exploding. He said I make him want to smash me to pieces,he said he wouldn't do that.

He tries to be nice ,ie I'm sorry to hear that or hope I have a good day.He said he dose care he doesn't have capacity to care.He said he cares immensely for me he says he dose respect me.He said he's lightening the mood when he jokes over serious stuff I said it's when I need him to be serious when I'm talking about my feelings. He sings about my upset feelings. He said I care too much.He said jokes that's were offensive e.g sexist raisist then said I have no sense of humour. Laughed at titanic Seane where people were hitting there bodies on the ship falling off. He called a bunch of old ladies the f word when they were walking zebra crossing , I thought it wasn't very nice they were old .He swore more then said would that do me in a angry way but then said he was joking. He said I wasn't ing talking to you ,then when I went up to say I didn't know he wasn't talking to me he said shut f up and hit me lightly then said it's not gbh .He said I drove him to it.

He punched walls during times when I said he's being insensitive. He punched his a while back .then punched the table that he hurt himself on. He says he understands when I said about him being insensitive and mean and intolerant then he gets annoyed again over those things I said to him. He gets angry over anything I do ,then if I said about him being angry gets angry at me and says I didn't need to say anything. I'm scared to leave but I want to.He smiles give me presents after being horrible sometimes. He says he's trying really hard he will be sweet then horrible. I've tried to sound calm during conversations not to get distressed.I've not talked about my problem s.I've tried to shorten conversationalist all day, cooks special.dinners I've tried to keep out his way. I try not not ask for help only when I really feel I need it.He still says he's sick of my problems .

He blames stress for his behaviour. I try to be positive as much as possible ,I'm traumatised by this all. But dose it sound like tramabonding I think he's okay now as he's being nice . He never used to be so intolerant I can't even be in the kitchen he gets annoyed and shoes me out saying I was in the way I was next to the fridge. I tried so hard to please him not to do what annoyed him . It's still not enough. There was a time when he was a lot nicer and patient.He shook me recently saying I was too close ? He didn't shake me hard but this scared me.

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I feel it would help with finding a shelter or if I need to get retraining order I'm scared of him. Plus I'm married to him . being married ,I didn't know he would change. I want to move and the shelters have risk assessment s .he used to be a lot nicer. Patient ,empathic

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I feel it would help with finding a shelter or if I need to get retraining order I'm scared of him. ,I didn't know he would change. I want to move and the shelters have risk assessment s. I need shelter or something my mum refuses to take me in . I don't work as I have health issues. I'm on benefits . Not a lot less that £100 a week .and my friend s won't take me in. I suffer from severe anxiety ,so it's so hard but I want to leave but I'm scared can anyone relate? I forgot to mention he did a few things like 7 months into relationship like punching walls and swearing at people road rage maybe a few insensitive jokes ,all the other stuff happened much later after a lot of stress. I thought I could fix him before this other stuff at the beginning. Now I realise I cant.

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Have you gotten help for your health issues or are you making a choice to remain dependent on a man who from the sounds of it is resentful of having to be your caretaker?

 

Im not saying he isnt horrible to you because he is, but you are failing yourself by not taking responsibility for your own health and emotional wellbeing.

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I don't think you would qualify for a place in a women's refuge because although your husband is horrible to you, I didn't read anything that says you've been the victim of sustained physical violence/threat. Sadly lots of people resort to saying and doing hurtful things when they've had enough of their relationship and don't have the balls to end it themselves. He may be behaving like that because he knows you don't like it and is hoping you will end things.

 

If there are no crime numbers/reports etc to substantiate physical violence against you then maybe that's why the person you spoke to said it wasn't abuse. That's not to say your husband hasn't been abusive, only that it's not the type or severity that warrants help from a shelter. Places are in very short supply and they can only assist those in the greatest danger.

 

I suggest you go to Citizens Advice as they are used to helping people on benefits to get out (my friend works for them and it's commonplace).

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I don't think you would qualify for a place in a women's refuge because although your husband is horrible to you, I didn't read anything that says you've been the victim of sustained physical violence/threat. Sadly lots of people resort to saying and doing hurtful things when they've had enough of their relationship and don't have the balls to end it themselves. He may be behaving like that because he knows you don't like it and is hoping you will end things.

 

If there are no crime numbers/reports etc to substantiate physical violence against you then maybe that's why the person you spoke to said it wasn't abuse. That's not to say your husband hasn't been abusive, only that it's not the type or severity that warrants help from a shelter. Places are in very short supply and they can only assist those in the greatest danger.

 

I suggest you go to Citizens Advice as they are used to helping people on benefits to get out (my friend works for them and it's commonplace).

 

This sounds like great advice. It doesn’t take away from what you are experiencing it’s just that all such programs have to have some sort of filter that enables them to provide help to those that need it most.

 

I would suggest seeking the advice of legal counsel as well, there are many that operate on a sliding scale, as you would likely be entitled to some sort of alimony payments if you haven’t been working.

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Have you gotten help for your health issues or are you making a choice to remain dependent on a man who from the sounds of it is resentful of having to be your caretaker?

 

Im not saying he isnt horrible to you because he is, but you are failing yourself by not taking responsibility for your own health and emotional wellbeing.

 

And I also echo this, after reading your first post I am wondering the same... what are you doing to take care of your issues?

 

And why won’t your mum take you in until you get on your feet?

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Unfortunately shelters are underfunded and overcrowded. That means they only have room for the most severe cases. You don't need to rehearse a story or manipulate the system to come up with a story that will qualify during their risk assessment, they will need proof, such as police or hospital reports.

 

They will take severely beaten women from hospitals, women who have multiple law enforcement interventions, women whose children are threatened, etc before they take someone who is in a less severely abusive relationship. Shelters are not hotels to go to during nasty push and shove fights. They are for women whose lives are in imminent danger.

 

Many people will simply tell you to call a hotline without realizing how extremely limited the resources are. Also they don't hand out restraining orders without proof and documentation.

I feel it would help with finding a shelter or if I need to get retraining order I'm scared of him. Plus I'm married to him . being married ,I didn't know he would change.
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OP,

I’m sorry that people here told you before that you were in an abusive relationship when you weren’t.

I have read your previous post here and can see that you were told that.

 

I was a member of a different forum back then and advised you back then on that forum that this was not an abusive relationship from your side but rather your partner is in a very frustrating one.

 

You said back then that you started to only a year ago suffer from severe allergies. Sorry but that doesn’t happen. It’s immunologically impossible.

I’m sure your allergy testing you went for or at least said you were going for suggested so.

 

You say Doctors (plural as in you went to more than one) dismisses your allergies.

They were correct.

Unfortunately you didn’t go to the same Dr repeatedly about your supposed health issues.

One visit to one Dr they can’t diagnise you.

Repeated visits to the same Doctor with the same complaints , they would have picked up on what’s actually wrong with you.

 

And that is it seems to be pretty bad anxiety resulting in hypochondria.

 

I told you this on the other forum! But you disappeared.

Now I realise why!

 

You hop from Dr to Dr , forum to forum , until someone agrees with you!

Classic case of anxiety!

 

You are actually lucky that this man has stayed with you throughout this and has not ever harmed you.

Please go back to any of the Doctors you have seen and show this post avd my reply!!!

 

I want to help you !

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Ok this situation is so hard to explain ,I have limited resources no car friends that could help ect I have tried to book appointment s for my self my Dr is far away so I couldn't get there myself . I have tried to do things for myself not rely on him ,I asked him to do one favour print stuff off for me ,when I needed him to I wasn't anywhere near a printer and couldn't afford one.I offered to go to gp myself but he said don't be silly you wont get there. I have not wanted to dependant on him and I've done things by my self were I could. It was just his lack of sensitivity,I thought when times at hard or you need help ,that people help you not act one they don't care. I thought that's what people do if they care I don't ask for help only when I needed it! I have wanted to join new surgery but because he kept saying threatening for me to leave the house after conflict s so I thought couldn't make plans as I didn't know we're if he living in a hostel or on the street ,I've had terrible treatment by Drs and wanted to stay with the same dr who knows me if possible, it's not easy to just leave such a difficult seemingly

impossible situation, I have thought of going to my mum s she won't have me I'm actually scared of him, I have phoned mental health helpline s ,support domestic helpline s ,done meditation ,you have no idea what's it's like being in my situation. I want to leave I don't want him to nurse maid me just support me but he obviously can't I've tried self help utube videos to improve my self and my own mental well being. I just needed understanding.

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What do you mean doesn't happen ?! With allergies? it did happen! I explained I was in a moldy house, mold can cause allergies known fact even my Dr and allergies specialist I phoned up confirmed this ,I've researched this . I don't know what you mean lucky he stayed with me the other posters said when you love some one they would what to do everything to make the house safe for me . He was being insensitive end of .I have had to wait months for referal and I got one next week.I came on here for support not judgement .

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I'm not manipulating ! I got told to go to a hostel by the the people in my last post a while back. And by helpline s I phoned .it's not just for people are being severely batted but are at risk he already said he felt like smash ing me to pieces so I don't understand how that is seen as tame , I phoned outreach service she said verbal abuse leads to physical abuse.

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What do you mean doesn't happen ?! With allergies? it did happen! I explained I was in a moldy house, mold can cause allergies known fact even my Dr and allergies specialist I phoned up confirmed this ,I've researched this . I don't know what you mean lucky he stayed with me the other posters said when you love some one they would what to do everything to make the house safe for me . He was being insensitive end of .I have had to wait months for referal and I got one next week.I came on here for support not judgement .

 

I have numerous allergies and have been tested for “mould” allergies. Guess what? I tested positive lol!

It’s so common! You know what the symptoms are? Mild !

There is no known severe symptom to mould allergy ever documented!

 

And there are thousands of species of mould , ask your “specialist” which one of those thousands he is testing for?

Aspergillus niger, Aspergillus fumigatus, Aspergillus nidulans, Aspergillus versicolour, Aspergillus flavus, Bipolaris species, Alternaria species, Curvularia species, Rhodoturula species , penecillium species , etc etc

 

All of these and thousands more are present in everyone’s bathroom , in the soil and in the air.

 

If you had a severe allergy you would have to live in a hospital room in a bubble with no air con or windows.

 

Yet here you are telling your partner you need to open windows to relieve your symptoms of your mould allergy but all you are doing is inviting more in and claiming you feel better.

 

I don’t doubt that you are here for support. And I am not judging you. I hope I have educated you at the very least.

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I'm not manipulating ! I got told to go to a hostel by the the people in my last post a while back. And by helpline s I phoned .it's not just for people are being severely batted but are at risk he already said he felt like smash ing me to pieces so I don't understand how that is seen as tame , I phoned outreach service she said verbal abuse leads to physical abuse.

 

I don’t believe you are manipulative either.

You do however seem to be suffering from extreme anxiety and you are adamant you have medical illness because of that.

The throat swelling you describe is classic of anxiety not allergy. But anxiety leads you to googling and when a GP finds nothing medically wrong with you , you think they are being dismissive. And so you don’t go there again, you go to another.

A GP will never diagnose anxiety if they only see you once! They can only diagnose you on repeated complaints of the same symptoms with no medical explanation.

 

I want to slap you! And I don’t have to live with you!

That doesn’t make me abusive, that’s me being mildly frustrated in comparison to how your bf must be feeling.

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All relationships being voluntary, why do you believe that it's necessary to diagnose someone else as abusive, when you can walk away instead?

 

Your post is too difficult to read, but if you are entangled in a living situation where you own property with someone you want to move away from, seek the advice of legal aid to learn your rights and options or ask your local hospital for a referral to a social worker who can assign appropriate resources.

 

If you believe that you are in danger, you don't need someone else's approval to get out. Confide in friends, family, local clergy or a local domestic violence organization for help with a plan to exit safely. If you are threatened or physically harmed, contact your local police who will initiate all of the resources you need to exit safely.

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Why won't your mother help you?

 

Her mother has a bit of mould in her bathroom, so she goes to a hotel that superficially looks like there is none instead.

 

How can her mother help her when even medical Doctors can’t?

She evades anyone that “dismisses” her self misdiagnosis.

 

I’m glad she posted here today because I wanted to help her 6 months ago when she posted the same scenario elsewhere.

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You have this completely wrong. I never said my mother had mould . Secondly what do you call red rashes ?then it is allergies. I was there you weren't I have throat closing tightness this isn't not self diagosed but confirmed my allergy specialists. I went to a hotel for other reasons not because of mold. You have no idea of my situation from the way you misquoted stuff I said, stop posting please, this has got out of hand, it just feels like your being mean. I did not ask for this response. Your comments are inappropriate and show you have no standing of my situation.

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You have this completely wrong. I never said my mother had mould . Secondly what do you call red rashes ?then it is allergies. I was there you weren't I have throat closing tightness this isn't not self diagosed but confirmed my allergy specialists. I went to a hotel for other reasons not because of mold. You have no idea of my situation from the way you misquoted stuff I said, stop posting please, this has got out of hand, it just feels like your being mean. I did not ask for this response. Your comments are inappropriate and show you have no standing of my situation.

 

Well - its typical whenever a poster finds that people don't agree with them, they change their story to make the people answering wrong. If you can afford a hotel, then you can afford to leave

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Lol what allergy do you have where anaphylaxis is just treated by opening a window?

 

I'll be honest, the dude's a prisoner in his own home, providing for you in exchange for the benefit of what appears to be nothing at all. By him not liking how you're opening windows, I'm assuming you're frantically running about the house swinging them open because for whatever reason you think it's how you stop anaphylactic shock, which nobody wants just being a scene you have to deal with in your own home. Am I excusing the guy? No. His fault is, rather than letting this resentment build and manifest itself in such a toxic way, simply not divorcing you however many years ago. Shame on him. At the same time, I'm sorry lady, but whatever is physically in your power to be doing for yourself when someone else is providing for you is what you should be doing. Guy shouldn't even get around to grabbing a towel to wipe up your spill for you. You spill it, towel should be in your hand five seconds later.

 

I'm not even willing to call it abusive. The dude's simply done. He's being a d1ck, but any more so one than someone who's essentially mocking up a debilitating condition to excuse themselves from any and all person responsibility, imposing all of it on their spouse? Gonna go ahead and say nope. And I don't think the fact your friends won't take you in despite the circumstances is any sort of coincidence. Both of you have soaked your hands in the mud. Don't deprive someone of much more immediate need a room and appropriate resources. Don't get a restraining order to have the house to yourself while he pays for it. Get your **** together and be a grown woman.

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