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Please tell me how to handle this situation


JimmWangro

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I’ve know this girl for 4 years we were great friends. She wanted to date me for the last 9 months or so. We did everything as a couple but I never committed to an official relationship. It’s confusing. Since 2016 I’ve began getting health issues. My health was going downhill fast and I never had a diagnosis until recently. Anyhow the last year of my life has been a total nightmare. I was in fear of my life and a relationship was kinda on a back burner. I was basically unable to mover for about 4 months. I later found out I had lymes diesase very badly. So living in fear i hid from my friends and family and the only person I would talk to was her. I would constantly tell her I felt alone. I felt like she could have done so much more for me. But I completely fell in love with her. It was a month before we split up she was all over me about my commitment. I said I’m not going anywhere. I care about you more than anything in the world. I said please help me through this and be by my side so she calmed down for about a month. Then it happened again. I was having a terrible day and she said are we together or should I back off? I said to back off . I cried when she left but I needed sleep and I was very sick. So not even a week passes and she says now that I know we’re never gonna be together I am with someone else. I am completely destroyed. I did everything in my power to show her I love her. A month up til the breakup she was claiming how much she loved me.

 

It was 6 days later she had a new guy. And here’s the thing this guy and her are moving at lightening speed. In a relationship in a week. He’s buying her flower leaving notes. He met her daughter immediately and was staying at her home . He bought the daughter a 400 dollar gift for her birthday. He didn’t even know her 3 weeks!!! It’s like she has no guard up and this guy just seems crazy. Planning trips and their Facebook profiles proclaiming how much the love each other. In literally 10 days!!

 

Do I even know this girl? What kinda girl tells a guy he loves him and 10 days later days it to another?? I realize I never committed but we function like a couple and I love her. It’s 6 weeks since the breakup and I’m a total disaster and she out probably engaged by now. And I looked into this guy a bit. He has a 2 daughters he doesn’t see. Overlapped his last Gf with her. Had a ring for his last gf in a month. What the heck kind of guy is this???? And how is she totally swept off her feet? It’s like I didn’t even exist and he just filled in. They are further along in 6 weeks then we were in 4 years. I’m so jealous and love her. It’s a terrible situation and would love some thoughts on this

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You had 9 months to commit and didn't. I get you were going through some health issues, but it sounds like she really tried to be there for you and support you.

 

I'm going to give it to you straight. Leave her be. She's rebounding and possibly not in the best situation, but going back to you, a man who is unwilling to have a genuine committed relationship with her, is no better.

 

Next time, if you really care about someone and want them to stick around, be willing to go all in.

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I agree. You didn't need to marry her - she just wanted to be officially your girlfriend/dating exclusively/going steady. why was that so hard for you to do? Unless she was pushing for a ring. I agree with leaving her alone. In her mind, you used her to lean on because you needed someone and that wasn't good enough for her to be your girlfriend -- she got nothing in return, so she started seeing a guy who wants to be her boyfriend. I am guessing that while you kept putting her off, he was someone she knew but would not commit to or date because she wanted you. Maybe they are moving too fast, but after pulling teeth for a commitment out of you, she may have jumped.

 

Its like the Jackson 5 "i want you back" song.

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I completely understand. I really went through a tough time. I felt like I was holding her back. And I also feel like she could have been more supportive and it held me back a bit. I probably seen 30 doc appointments in that time. She didn’t go to any. I would fall asleep crying beacuse I was afraid. she Could have called me and talked about it. I feel asleep alone every night. And I didn’t put this in the first post. We attempted dating before. She dumped me. She also had 3 other boyfriends in them 4 years. And that hurts me so I was very hesitant to commit. Like I said I love her . It’s been a rough journey and there’s things I wish I would have done differently. We got along great and I think we both missed out on something great

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Why would she go to your doctor’s appointments, though, if you weren’t her boyfriend? Or fall asleep next to you? That doesn’t make sense.

 

Nine months is a long time to feel rejected, not good enough, etc. It probably feels like a breath of fresh air to be with someone who wants to be with her.

 

Honestly, I think the only thing you can do now is be her friend (if she wants that). Often these things burn out fast when they start so passionately. Maybe one day she’ll be open to it again.

 

... but you can’t keep rejecting someone and want them to keep coming after you.

 

Timing is everything in relationships. It sounds like you’ve both just not been ready at the same time.

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OP it seems as though you want her to give all of herself to you... yet you kept pushing her away and refused to commit to making her your GF. After 9 months and after knowing her for 4 years if you weren’t interested in making the relationship official in order to show her how much you value her then it’s honestly no wonder she moved on.

 

She wants to be in a committed and reciprocal relationship and didn’t see that happening with you.

 

She is with someone new and all you can do at this point is let it go and move on, and hopefully take a lesson from this... if you want someone in your life you need to show them you value them.

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Do I even know this girl?

 

Well, from your second post it sounds like, yes, you did. And do. This is a woman who basically always needs to have a boyfriend, who bounces around a bit on that front. You like her, but emotionally you don't really trust her to be stable, and so you remained guarded during your little window of opportunity. Understandable. Even healthy, I'd say.

 

Still, you were testing her. And she was testing you. And neither of you passed the other's tests. Your style was not her style. For whatever qualities about her you admire, this is someone who needs to be someone's girlfriend, always. She tried with you, best she knew how. She got tired—and, honestly, I think she was acting on good intuition. I think she knew, on some cellular level, that you were kind of waiting for her to prove herself to be...someone she isn't.

 

This new thing? Well, it fits a pattern. You can judge it, make it all about you, but it's not. It's a choice she's made based on her own needs, best she understands them. Maybe it crashes and burns. Maybe it's the foundation of an improbable romance that goes the distance. Neither of those outcomes are a verdict on you.

 

If you trusted her, and trusted your connection, you wouldn't have kept her at arm's length. You just wouldn't have. Right now your hurt heart is writing a different story, but I think the lessons are in the story that's truer, if a bit harder to stomach.

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Well I agree. I feel like she always has to have a boyfriend also. Like I said there were 3 others. She always came back to me. It kind of made me uncomfortable as like I was someone just to fall on.. I was always there for her. It’s a tough situation. I fully don’t understand why I kept her at some distance... ? I’m not in contact with her anymore. It hurts. And i feel like every time we talk it just resets the healing process. And I’m learning from my mistakes. I have been seeking help to understand and grow from this. And to resolve my commitment issues

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Well I agree. I feel like she always has to have a boyfriend also. Like I said there were 3 others. She always came back to me. It kind of made me uncomfortable as like I was someone just to fall on.. I was always there for her. It’s a tough situation. I fully don’t understand why I kept her at some distance... ? I’m not in contact with her anymore. It hurts. And i feel like every time we talk it just resets the healing process. And I’m learning from my mistakes. I have been seeking help to understand and grow from this. And to resolve my commitment issues

 

Well...each time you were not interested in her, so she dated others, and she probably was hoping you would change your mind. No one is going to wait around forever. I think you should not talk to her because she is in a relationship. But if she was not, I would put up or shut up, like they say. you either tell her you made a mistake and you want to be her boyfriend or you leave her be.

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Well I agree. I feel like she always has to have a boyfriend also. Like I said there were 3 others. She always came back to me. It kind of made me uncomfortable as like I was someone just to fall on.. I was always there for her. It’s a tough situation. I fully don’t understand why I kept her at some distance... ? I’m not in contact with her anymore. It hurts. And i feel like every time we talk it just resets the healing process. And I’m learning from my mistakes. I have been seeking help to understand and grow from this. And to resolve my commitment issues

 

Maybe she desires a stable relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend. If you weren't willing to commit, she probably would occasionally try to move on with someone else.

 

At the end of the day, the situation is too damaged to fix. It's going to hurt to let go, but holding on won't be any better.

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I don't think she did anything wrong despite her lightening speed to have a boyfriend and whatever her new boyfriend does is his prerogative.

 

I'm sorry about your diagnosis.

 

You told her to back off, she called you on it, backed off and moved on and now you're upset over this? She was abiding by YOUR rules yet you're in a snit because she did exactly as you had wished? Whatever she and her boyfriend do is their business and none of yours. She moved on with her life, her boyfriend is just that, HER boyfriend. She wanted commitment and stability. You need to stop obsessing with their new life together and focus on your life without her. She is history.

 

Change your mindset. In the future, don't be impulsive with what you say or write otherwise you'll regret it later. Think carefully first. Live and learn.

 

Move forward and focus on your own life.

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I completely understand. I really went through a tough time. I felt like I was holding her back. And I also feel like she could have been more supportive and it held me back a bit. I probably seen 30 doc appointments in that time. She didn’t go to any. I would fall asleep crying beacuse I was afraid. she Could have called me and talked about it. I feel asleep alone every night. And I didn’t put this in the first post. We attempted dating before. She dumped me. She also had 3 other boyfriends in them 4 years. And that hurts me so I was very hesitant to commit. Like I said I love her . It’s been a rough journey and there’s things I wish I would have done differently. We got along great and I think we both missed out on something great

 

Jimm, first off I am very sorry to hear of your struggles with Lyme Disease. I knew a man who picked up Lyme during his travels, and he was extremely sick for months and months, it was very painful and it took him an entire year, if not longer to recover.

 

I think you did the best you could under the circumstances, but when one is struggling with this type of disease, it's extremely difficult to maintain a romantic relationship, let alone agree to a commitment.

 

So imo none of this is your fault and your ex sounds quite self-centered and selfish. Pressuring you for a commitment during this time. My goodness, you were ill for heaven's sake! Very ill!

 

And I am sorry to say, had she truly cared, she would have understood you were very ill and struggling, and accepted what you were able to give, knowing that once you recovered, you'd be in a better position to give more and truly commit, in your mind, heart and body.

 

But at that moment, your priority was getting well, as it should be. And she would have been there for you, supporting and helping you through.

 

But she chose a different path for herself, didn't she. And now she's blaming you for not committing and has gone and found herself another man within a week? I'm sorry I find her actions unconscionable, and believe you are the one who dodged a bullet.

 

Please don't blame yourself, again none of this was your doing.

 

All that said, how are you feeling? Are you fully recovered? I hope so!!

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Thanks for understanding. Lyme disease is absolutely terrible. I’m in very bad shape. I’m terrified of losing my job and home, I’ve been in terrible shape for almost 2 years. There’s days I literally can’t move. Among the other 40 symptoms that come and go. I understand I didn’t commit but I’m fighting every day in fear. I did love her. I do. She lives 40 minutes from me. I would go there like twice a week. And I’d even help with house projects. I did what I could in my condition. If she claimed to have loved me as much as she says she could have helped me get on my feet. Even reach out to my friends. I abandoned everyone. It’s hard to explain unless your living this way. But it’s scary and it puts you in a dark lonely place. I understand her wanting an official relationship title but I wasn’t going anywhere or looking elsewhere. I told her that. And to be by my side and help me overcome this if you care. It’s a tough situation and can be viewed from different angles. But when I said to back off I didn’t mean go look for a boyfriend. And when your sick for 3 years straight sometimes you get a little miserable or irritable and need some space...

 

No I’m not well. I’m in a very slow process of treatment. Doc says I should start feeling better in a year.

 

This heartache surely doesn’t help. I miss her so much it’s unbearable... she was the rope I was hanging on. It’s hard to stay positive. And knowing someone is living the life I wanted with her really hurts.

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Oh my goodness, my heart is literally breaking for you right now Jimm, again I am so sorry. ((hugs))

 

And I know for a fact you're being 100% genuine in describing your feelings and pain, that "dark lonely place," again I am very familiar with the disease and it's absolutely devastating.

 

I actually applaud you for how much you did give while struggling with all this. You remained with her, giving what you could.

 

And you're right, and as I said too, had she loved you as she claimed, she would have been there for you and helped you get back on your feet -- NOT pressuring you to commit for heaven's sake, and now gone off and is dating another guy.

 

God it pains me just reading that!

 

It also sounds very much like she took your illness, your pain and struggles personally like it was some sort of reflection on her and how you felt about her. This was her problem, her self-centeredness, her insecurity, not yours, please believe that.

 

I really have no words, only that I am so sorry. And I acknowledge your pain (both emotional and physical) and will silently pray that you feel better and recover soon.

 

Please take good care of yourself, remain focused on that and getting well. I truly believe time heals, so in time you will move past all this, and find the right woman for you, a woman who will love you and be there for you, through the bad times and good, as I have no doubt you will be there for her as well.

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I'm not disagreeing with you guys that the OP has been through a lot, but how is being in a committed relationship stopped by the illness? Why was the woman wrong for wanting that?

 

If the relationship was draining and she wasn't supportive, why did OP continue to be involved with her? Needing space and time alone are things you can have in a healthy partnership. You just have to communicate effectively.

 

Something just doesn't add up for me here. If she was selfish and only concerned with herself, you were right to not commit. It also sounds like you're still not well right now, and that her presence would be a burden, if reality is consistent with your most recent post. In which case, the outcome of her moving on to someone else is beneficial for you (even if you feel lonely and miss her sometimes).

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that nothing would have been all that different between the two of you if you had called her your girlfriend. It just would have meant you would have had to take on the responsibility of caring about how your actions affected her emotions. Considering you wanted her to take on a heap of responsibility like going to doctor's appointments and being there with you when you woke up, it seems caring about her emotional experience was the least you could have given.

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I completely understand. I really went through a tough time. I felt like I was holding her back. And I also feel like she could have been more supportive and it held me back a bit. I probably seen 30 doc appointments in that time. She didn’t go to any. I would fall asleep crying beacuse I was afraid. she Could have called me and talked about it. I feel asleep alone every night. And I didn’t put this in the first post. We attempted dating before. She dumped me. She also had 3 other boyfriends in them 4 years. And that hurts me so I was very hesitant to commit. Like I said I love her . It’s been a rough journey and there’s things I wish I would have done differently. We got along great and I think we both missed out on something great

 

Why would she when she wasn't your girlfriend, OP?

 

Your expectations are out of whack here. You didn't commit, which is understandable given your health problems, but it is also understandable that she didn't invest in you. Your post reads like she has done something intentionally malicious to you, but she hasn't. When you don't let someone in, they're not going to keep knocking at your door. You can't then reasonably turn around and get upset because the door-knocker eventually tired out their knuckles and moved on to the next door.

 

Who she is with now isn't your concern. Maybe it's all too fast or the guy is not good for her, but really, it's not any of your business. It would be wise of you to stop looking at her social media, and just leave her to it. You have more important fish to try to get your health back to a stable place. She isn't the one for you.

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While it makes no sense to tell someone what they want to hear when you aren't ready, it's a two way street. It also makes no sense to accept someone else's choice of limits when you want more.

 

All relationships being voluntary, we each get to choose the degree to which we will commit to someone else. Our limits work both ways. It makes no sense to expect someone to commit to our bad times while we offer them no commitment in return, does it?

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Thanks everyone. I completely understand the commitment thing. I regret it so much. She was someone I truly loved and I let her go. It’s an awful feeling. We were there for each other. We basically functioned as a couple.. I did everything I could with my life condition.

Everything but a relationship title....

 

 

I haven’t looked into her life in weeks. I don’t intend to. I think the only way to heal is to cut her off from contact? When she left she texted me about being friends and how we could all hangout sometime. She said were still here for you and he’s not replacing you... I don’t get it. There’s nothing between us anymore. It’s so hard to handle. i was texting her the first two weeks and I can’t do it. She would tell me how great the guy is and the nice things he’s been doing. It really hurt my feelings and made me Jealous. She asked once in 7 weeks how I’m feeling... she’s been my best friend for years and it’s really a hard spot for me and my condition. I love her but I need to heal and every time I hear from her I feel like it just resets everything.

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