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Thread: Please tell me how to handle this situation

  1. #1
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    Please tell me how to handle this situation

    Iíve know this girl for 4 years we were great friends. She wanted to date me for the last 9 months or so. We did everything as a couple but I never committed to an official relationship. Itís confusing. Since 2016 Iíve began getting health issues. My health was going downhill fast and I never had a diagnosis until recently. Anyhow the last year of my life has been a total nightmare. I was in fear of my life and a relationship was kinda on a back burner. I was basically unable to mover for about 4 months. I later found out I had lymes diesase very badly. So living in fear i hid from my friends and family and the only person I would talk to was her. I would constantly tell her I felt alone. I felt like she could have done so much more for me. But I completely fell in love with her. It was a month before we split up she was all over me about my commitment. I said Iím not going anywhere. I care about you more than anything in the world. I said please help me through this and be by my side so she calmed down for about a month. Then it happened again. I was having a terrible day and she said are we together or should I back off? I said to back off . I cried when she left but I needed sleep and I was very sick. So not even a week passes and she says now that I know weíre never gonna be together I am with someone else. I am completely destroyed. I did everything in my power to show her I love her. A month up til the breakup she was claiming how much she loved me.

    It was 6 days later she had a new guy. And hereís the thing this guy and her are moving at lightening speed. In a relationship in a week. Heís buying her flower leaving notes. He met her daughter immediately and was staying at her home . He bought the daughter a 400 dollar gift for her birthday. He didnít even know her 3 weeks!!! Itís like she has no guard up and this guy just seems crazy. Planning trips and their Facebook profiles proclaiming how much the love each other. In literally 10 days!!

    Do I even know this girl? What kinda girl tells a guy he loves him and 10 days later days it to another?? I realize I never committed but we function like a couple and I love her. Itís 6 weeks since the breakup and Iím a total disaster and she out probably engaged by now. And I looked into this guy a bit. He has a 2 daughters he doesnít see. Overlapped his last Gf with her. Had a ring for his last gf in a month. What the heck kind of guy is this???? And how is she totally swept off her feet? Itís like I didnít even exist and he just filled in. They are further along in 6 weeks then we were in 4 years. Iím so jealous and love her. Itís a terrible situation and would love some thoughts on this

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    You had 9 months to commit and didn't. I get you were going through some health issues, but it sounds like she really tried to be there for you and support you.

    I'm going to give it to you straight. Leave her be. She's rebounding and possibly not in the best situation, but going back to you, a man who is unwilling to have a genuine committed relationship with her, is no better.

    Next time, if you really care about someone and want them to stick around, be willing to go all in.

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    I agree. You didn't need to marry her - she just wanted to be officially your girlfriend/dating exclusively/going steady. why was that so hard for you to do? Unless she was pushing for a ring. I agree with leaving her alone. In her mind, you used her to lean on because you needed someone and that wasn't good enough for her to be your girlfriend -- she got nothing in return, so she started seeing a guy who wants to be her boyfriend. I am guessing that while you kept putting her off, he was someone she knew but would not commit to or date because she wanted you. Maybe they are moving too fast, but after pulling teeth for a commitment out of you, she may have jumped.

    Its like the Jackson 5 "i want you back" song.

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    I completely understand. I really went through a tough time. I felt like I was holding her back. And I also feel like she could have been more supportive and it held me back a bit. I probably seen 30 doc appointments in that time. She didnít go to any. I would fall asleep crying beacuse I was afraid. she Could have called me and talked about it. I feel asleep alone every night. And I didnít put this in the first post. We attempted dating before. She dumped me. She also had 3 other boyfriends in them 4 years. And that hurts me so I was very hesitant to commit. Like I said I love her . Itís been a rough journey and thereís things I wish I would have done differently. We got along great and I think we both missed out on something great

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    Why would she go to your doctorís appointments, though, if you werenít her boyfriend? Or fall asleep next to you? That doesnít make sense.

    Nine months is a long time to feel rejected, not good enough, etc. It probably feels like a breath of fresh air to be with someone who wants to be with her.

    Honestly, I think the only thing you can do now is be her friend (if she wants that). Often these things burn out fast when they start so passionately. Maybe one day sheíll be open to it again.

    ... but you canít keep rejecting someone and want them to keep coming after you.

    Timing is everything in relationships. It sounds like youíve both just not been ready at the same time.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP it seems as though you want her to give all of herself to you... yet you kept pushing her away and refused to commit to making her your GF. After 9 months and after knowing her for 4 years if you werenít interested in making the relationship official in order to show her how much you value her then itís honestly no wonder she moved on.

    She wants to be in a committed and reciprocal relationship and didnít see that happening with you.

    She is with someone new and all you can do at this point is let it go and move on, and hopefully take a lesson from this... if you want someone in your life you need to show them you value them.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JimmWangro
    Do I even know this girl?
    Well, from your second post it sounds like, yes, you did. And do. This is a woman who basically always needs to have a boyfriend, who bounces around a bit on that front. You like her, but emotionally you don't really trust her to be stable, and so you remained guarded during your little window of opportunity. Understandable. Even healthy, I'd say.

    Still, you were testing her. And she was testing you. And neither of you passed the other's tests. Your style was not her style. For whatever qualities about her you admire, this is someone who needs to be someone's girlfriend, always. She tried with you, best she knew how. She got tiredóand, honestly, I think she was acting on good intuition. I think she knew, on some cellular level, that you were kind of waiting for her to prove herself to be...someone she isn't.

    This new thing? Well, it fits a pattern. You can judge it, make it all about you, but it's not. It's a choice she's made based on her own needs, best she understands them. Maybe it crashes and burns. Maybe it's the foundation of an improbable romance that goes the distance. Neither of those outcomes are a verdict on you.

    If you trusted her, and trusted your connection, you wouldn't have kept her at arm's length. You just wouldn't have. Right now your hurt heart is writing a different story, but I think the lessons are in the story that's truer, if a bit harder to stomach.

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    Well I agree. I feel like she always has to have a boyfriend also. Like I said there were 3 others. She always came back to me. It kind of made me uncomfortable as like I was someone just to fall on.. I was always there for her. Itís a tough situation. I fully donít understand why I kept her at some distance... ? Iím not in contact with her anymore. It hurts. And i feel like every time we talk it just resets the healing process. And Iím learning from my mistakes. I have been seeking help to understand and grow from this. And to resolve my commitment issues

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    Originally Posted by JimmWangro
    Well I agree. I feel like she always has to have a boyfriend also. Like I said there were 3 others. She always came back to me. It kind of made me uncomfortable as like I was someone just to fall on.. I was always there for her. Itís a tough situation. I fully donít understand why I kept her at some distance... ? Iím not in contact with her anymore. It hurts. And i feel like every time we talk it just resets the healing process. And Iím learning from my mistakes. I have been seeking help to understand and grow from this. And to resolve my commitment issues
    Well...each time you were not interested in her, so she dated others, and she probably was hoping you would change your mind. No one is going to wait around forever. I think you should not talk to her because she is in a relationship. But if she was not, I would put up or shut up, like they say. you either tell her you made a mistake and you want to be her boyfriend or you leave her be.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JimmWangro
    Well I agree. I feel like she always has to have a boyfriend also. Like I said there were 3 others. She always came back to me. It kind of made me uncomfortable as like I was someone just to fall on.. I was always there for her. Itís a tough situation. I fully donít understand why I kept her at some distance... ? Iím not in contact with her anymore. It hurts. And i feel like every time we talk it just resets the healing process. And Iím learning from my mistakes. I have been seeking help to understand and grow from this. And to resolve my commitment issues
    Maybe she desires a stable relationship. There is nothing wrong with wanting a boyfriend. If you weren't willing to commit, she probably would occasionally try to move on with someone else.

    At the end of the day, the situation is too damaged to fix. It's going to hurt to let go, but holding on won't be any better.

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