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Thread: Please tell me how to handle this situation

  1. #11
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I don't think she did anything wrong despite her lightening speed to have a boyfriend and whatever her new boyfriend does is his prerogative.

    I'm sorry about your diagnosis.

    You told her to back off, she called you on it, backed off and moved on and now you're upset over this? She was abiding by YOUR rules yet you're in a snit because she did exactly as you had wished? Whatever she and her boyfriend do is their business and none of yours. She moved on with her life, her boyfriend is just that, HER boyfriend. She wanted commitment and stability. You need to stop obsessing with their new life together and focus on your life without her. She is history.

    Change your mindset. In the future, don't be impulsive with what you say or write otherwise you'll regret it later. Think carefully first. Live and learn.

    Move forward and focus on your own life.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by JimmWangro
    I completely understand. I really went through a tough time. I felt like I was holding her back. And I also feel like she could have been more supportive and it held me back a bit. I probably seen 30 doc appointments in that time. She didnít go to any. I would fall asleep crying beacuse I was afraid. she Could have called me and talked about it. I feel asleep alone every night. And I didnít put this in the first post. We attempted dating before. She dumped me. She also had 3 other boyfriends in them 4 years. And that hurts me so I was very hesitant to commit. Like I said I love her . Itís been a rough journey and thereís things I wish I would have done differently. We got along great and I think we both missed out on something great
    Jimm, first off I am very sorry to hear of your struggles with Lyme Disease. I knew a man who picked up Lyme during his travels, and he was extremely sick for months and months, it was very painful and it took him an entire year, if not longer to recover.

    I think you did the best you could under the circumstances, but when one is struggling with this type of disease, it's extremely difficult to maintain a romantic relationship, let alone agree to a commitment.

    So imo none of this is your fault and your ex sounds quite self-centered and selfish. Pressuring you for a commitment during this time. My goodness, you were ill for heaven's sake! Very ill!

    And I am sorry to say, had she truly cared, she would have understood you were very ill and struggling, and accepted what you were able to give, knowing that once you recovered, you'd be in a better position to give more and truly commit, in your mind, heart and body.

    But at that moment, your priority was getting well, as it should be. And she would have been there for you, supporting and helping you through.

    But she chose a different path for herself, didn't she. And now she's blaming you for not committing and has gone and found herself another man within a week? I'm sorry I find her actions unconscionable, and believe you are the one who dodged a bullet.

    Please don't blame yourself, again none of this was your doing.

    All that said, how are you feeling? Are you fully recovered? I hope so!!
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-05-2019 at 09:05 PM.

  3. #13
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    Thanks for understanding. Lyme disease is absolutely terrible. Iím in very bad shape. Iím terrified of losing my job and home, Iíve been in terrible shape for almost 2 years. Thereís days I literally canít move. Among the other 40 symptoms that come and go. I understand I didnít commit but Iím fighting every day in fear. I did love her. I do. She lives 40 minutes from me. I would go there like twice a week. And Iíd even help with house projects. I did what I could in my condition. If she claimed to have loved me as much as she says she could have helped me get on my feet. Even reach out to my friends. I abandoned everyone. Itís hard to explain unless your living this way. But itís scary and it puts you in a dark lonely place. I understand her wanting an official relationship title but I wasnít going anywhere or looking elsewhere. I told her that. And to be by my side and help me overcome this if you care. Itís a tough situation and can be viewed from different angles. But when I said to back off I didnít mean go look for a boyfriend. And when your sick for 3 years straight sometimes you get a little miserable or irritable and need some space...

    No Iím not well. Iím in a very slow process of treatment. Doc says I should start feeling better in a year.

    This heartache surely doesnít help. I miss her so much itís unbearable... she was the rope I was hanging on. Itís hard to stay positive. And knowing someone is living the life I wanted with her really hurts.

  4. #14
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    Oh my goodness, my heart is literally breaking for you right now Jimm, again I am so sorry. ((hugs))

    And I know for a fact you're being 100% genuine in describing your feelings and pain, that "dark lonely place," again I am very familiar with the disease and it's absolutely devastating.

    I actually applaud you for how much you did give while struggling with all this. You remained with her, giving what you could.

    And you're right, and as I said too, had she loved you as she claimed, she would have been there for you and helped you get back on your feet -- NOT pressuring you to commit for heaven's sake, and now gone off and is dating another guy.

    God it pains me just reading that!

    It also sounds very much like she took your illness, your pain and struggles personally like it was some sort of reflection on her and how you felt about her. This was her problem, her self-centeredness, her insecurity, not yours, please believe that.

    I really have no words, only that I am so sorry. And I acknowledge your pain (both emotional and physical) and will silently pray that you feel better and recover soon.

    Please take good care of yourself, remain focused on that and getting well. I truly believe time heals, so in time you will move past all this, and find the right woman for you, a woman who will love you and be there for you, through the bad times and good, as I have no doubt you will be there for her as well.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-05-2019 at 09:49 PM.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I'm not disagreeing with you guys that the OP has been through a lot, but how is being in a committed relationship stopped by the illness? Why was the woman wrong for wanting that?

    If the relationship was draining and she wasn't supportive, why did OP continue to be involved with her? Needing space and time alone are things you can have in a healthy partnership. You just have to communicate effectively.

    Something just doesn't add up for me here. If she was selfish and only concerned with herself, you were right to not commit. It also sounds like you're still not well right now, and that her presence would be a burden, if reality is consistent with your most recent post. In which case, the outcome of her moving on to someone else is beneficial for you (even if you feel lonely and miss her sometimes).

    I guess what I'm getting at is that nothing would have been all that different between the two of you if you had called her your girlfriend. It just would have meant you would have had to take on the responsibility of caring about how your actions affected her emotions. Considering you wanted her to take on a heap of responsibility like going to doctor's appointments and being there with you when you woke up, it seems caring about her emotional experience was the least you could have given.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by JimmWangro
    I completely understand. I really went through a tough time. I felt like I was holding her back. And I also feel like she could have been more supportive and it held me back a bit. I probably seen 30 doc appointments in that time. She didnít go to any. I would fall asleep crying beacuse I was afraid. she Could have called me and talked about it. I feel asleep alone every night. And I didnít put this in the first post. We attempted dating before. She dumped me. She also had 3 other boyfriends in them 4 years. And that hurts me so I was very hesitant to commit. Like I said I love her . Itís been a rough journey and thereís things I wish I would have done differently. We got along great and I think we both missed out on something great
    Why would she when she wasn't your girlfriend, OP?

    Your expectations are out of whack here. You didn't commit, which is understandable given your health problems, but it is also understandable that she didn't invest in you. Your post reads like she has done something intentionally malicious to you, but she hasn't. When you don't let someone in, they're not going to keep knocking at your door. You can't then reasonably turn around and get upset because the door-knocker eventually tired out their knuckles and moved on to the next door.

    Who she is with now isn't your concern. Maybe it's all too fast or the guy is not good for her, but really, it's not any of your business. It would be wise of you to stop looking at her social media, and just leave her to it. You have more important fish to try to get your health back to a stable place. She isn't the one for you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    While it makes no sense to tell someone what they want to hear when you aren't ready, it's a two way street. It also makes no sense to accept someone else's choice of limits when you want more.

    All relationships being voluntary, we each get to choose the degree to which we will commit to someone else. Our limits work both ways. It makes no sense to expect someone to commit to our bad times while we offer them no commitment in return, does it?

  9. #18
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    Thanks everyone. I completely understand the commitment thing. I regret it so much. She was someone I truly loved and I let her go. Itís an awful feeling. We were there for each other. We basically functioned as a couple.. I did everything I could with my life condition.
    Everything but a relationship title....


    I havenít looked into her life in weeks. I donít intend to. I think the only way to heal is to cut her off from contact? When she left she texted me about being friends and how we could all hangout sometime. She said were still here for you and heís not replacing you... I donít get it. Thereís nothing between us anymore. Itís so hard to handle. i was texting her the first two weeks and I canít do it. She would tell me how great the guy is and the nice things heís been doing. It really hurt my feelings and made me Jealous. She asked once in 7 weeks how Iím feeling... sheís been my best friend for years and itís really a hard spot for me and my condition. I love her but I need to heal and every time I hear from her I feel like it just resets everything.

  10. #19
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    Yes, I think you need to go No Contact for a long time.

    Until you reach a point where you're relatively indifferent about her and who she dates, being friends won't be possible without a lot of pain for you.

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