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Thread: My husband's best friend not the best quality?

  1. #21
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    From your post it sounds to me like to be honest you are actually a snob. Unless you didn't mention certain other bad things Bobby has done, it doesn't even really sound like Bobby has done anything bad to you or to John. You are looking down on Bobby because he doesn't match the standard of person YOU would be friends with. Which I'm guessing is a person who is more financially well off, has a stable job and lives in a house, not a trailer. So yes financially Bobby doesn't measure up to what you want but for one thing, who cares that he lives in a trailer, that does not affect you or John. Friendship is not about money but it's about the friendship itself.

    Bobby had been there for John in the past and stood up to the bullies. As someone who got bullied a lot at school, I can see the huge value in a friend actually sticking by you, being a true friend and standing up for you. Now maybe Bobby doesn't contact John as much, but they are not children anymore. Bobby has a wife and three kids, he is not free as a bird now, he has a family.

    Whatever Bobby does in his own life and with his wife is quite frankly really none of your business. You don't get to tell them how they should run their marriage and who should work, etc. Also unless Bobby has done something specifically bad to you or your husband, you don't get to tell your husband who to be friends with either. It's his life, his friends.

    If you don't like Bobby then OK that's how you feel, but when we marry someone we make a commitment to love and support our spouse. That includes supporting who they want to be friends with. Just because someone is rough around the edges or "trailer trash" as some might say, does not inherently make them a bad person. Sure, it makes them maybe uneducated or unambiguous, but not "bad" as a human being.

  2. #22
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    My friend was 'John' and I was 'Bobby' long ago. My friend was well to do while I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. My friend always invited me into her big, beautiful home when we were children. Her SAHM (stay-at-home mom) cooked and baked for us all the time, I swam in their backyard pool every summer and had the time of my life. She had an older and younger brother who were nice. Her parents were awesome. My friend came from a very loving, nurturing, NORMAL, caring mom 'n pop 'n apple pie life. I felt so envious! I wished I had that. My parents worked a lot and divorced. I didn't have the nerve to invite my friend into my dilapidated home left in shambles. I would've loved to have reciprocated regularly but never did due to shame. I didn't want my friend to see where I lived. I felt very embarrassed and ashamed. There is no such thing as saying, "I was poor but happy!"

    Fastforward and we grew up, married, had families and fortunately, both of us have happy, financially comfortable lives today. Neither of us moved faraway and only live 30 minutes apart. The only difference is I've since moved up in the world. I'm no longer embarrassed regarding where or how I live. Our husbands and us get together as a foursome for dinner on occasion but the majority of time it's just my BFF and I. We've come full circle and give each other moral support.

    This priceless childhood friendship all began when we were only 9 years old. My BFF and her family never judged my economically disadvantaged circumstances. My BFF was my maid-of-honor, I too was in her bridal party and we go way back ever since we were 9 years old. She and her family gave me generous amounts of cash for my wedding.

    When I was a child, they never waited for my family and me to reciprocate their generosity and unconditional kindness. I had never forgotten. Since I couldn't repay what my friend and her family had done for me, I reciprocated years later after I grew up. I brought meals to my friend's recently widowed mother, brought meals for my friend and her family every month for years, gave them lots of money post-funeral out of respect, gave her homemade gifts such as quilts, casserole carrier, potholders, French memo board, apron, clothes and more.

    A lot of times people want to repay but they can't afford it so they don't do it. I couldn't afford it long ago but when I could, I repaid a thousandfold. Some people repay with their time, heart and labor instead of their wallet. Others repay just by remaining a good, humble, solid friend despite their blue collar status.

    When I was younger, I only revered highly educated people which was a huge mistake. Then I found out that some highly educated people are full of themselves and on a real ego trip thinking they're better than everyone else. They're very haughty. Not all of them are but I've met and known some people including some extended family members who grew big heads due to their inflated egos. Some are sociopaths, gaslighters and they're a tricky, sneaky lot. They think they're so slick. Nowadays, while education is great, education and economic status doesn't buy you class.

    Then I've known blue collar types who don't earn a lot of money but they're friendly, hospitable, down-to-earth, humble and kind. They're not worldly. I once looked upon them with great disdain until I got to know them better. Some even helped me during emergencies when a bunch of stuffed shirts never gave me the time of day. These people really changed my view of them.

    Don't judge a book by its cover.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    There's no law that says we need to like a spouse's friends or visa versa. However, if we're smart, we can recognize that a loyal friend from childhood precedes us in terms of history and bonds of loyalty. So the terrific qualities you've found in your husband are owned by him partly because of his history with friend or despite the friend. So there's nothing to 'improve' there, especially by causing a rift in your own relationship over the friend.

    If friend doesn't host parties, then good! You're not being asked to spend time socializing as the trailer. Whatever imbalance you've observed in gratitude or material expression is the dynamic that your husband approves, and for his own reasons--such as an eternal gratitude for the help friend has given husband over the course of younger years.

    I would decide whether I want to make my acceptance of husbands choice in a friend easier on myself or harder. I can wear a critical lens to view friend as problematic, which will keep ME miserable, or I can adopt a kinder lens and learn how to be more generous with my own focus.

    It's a decision, so choose wisely.

  4. #24
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Okay, so your husbands' friend is not the greatest. It's too bad, but this has nothing to do with you. If you don't like him, don't be around him. Simple.

    You can't talk bad about his friend, that will make you look like he bad guy.

    The only thing you could do would be to introduce your husband to other men he might become friends with.

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  6. #25
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    When I was younger, I only revered highly educated people which was a huge mistake. Then I found out that some highly educated people are full of themselves and on a real ego trip thinking they're better than everyone else. They're very haughty. Not all of them are but I've met and known some people including some extended family members who grew big heads due to their inflated egos. Some are sociopaths, gaslighters and they're a tricky, sneaky lot. They think they're so slick. Nowadays, while education is great, education and economic status doesn't buy you class.

    "Then I've known blue collar types who don't earn a lot of money but they're friendly, hospitable, down-to-earth, humble and kind. They're not worldly. I once looked upon them with great disdain until I got to know them better. Some even helped me during emergencies when a bunch of stuffed shirts never gave me the time of day. These people really changed my view of them."


    I've met arrogant people who had college degrees and those who did not, smart people who never went to college and were people of integrity and not so smart people who did go to college and were people of integrity - true class- meaning down home genuine values and trustworthiness and compassion -defies those labels IMO. I don't like the categorization or the assumption that education = class or education = arrogance, etc. I love your story about your friend. What a special relationship and I hope the OP takes it to heart a thousand fold.

  7. #26
    Silver Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Batya33, I wasn't giving labels. I was just giving examples of how I thought of people in categories when I was younger. In my previous ignorant mind, I thought that educated people were extra special due to their achievements and thumbed my nose at those who hailed from a humble lot.

    I never said ALL educated or uneducated people were the same. I said my distinction was skewed. I eventually discovered that just because a person has an education, it doesn't automatically give them high quality character and it's the same for a blue collar worker as well. It's just that I had previously placed educated people on a pedestal when I shouldn't have and I looked upon blue collar workers with disdain and as lazy.

    Then the true test came in my life when I thought I could entrust certain educated people in my sphere. To the contrary, it was blue collar workers who actually came to my rescue instead. Go figure. I'm not saying all people are in certain camps. I'm saying that my previous preconceived notions of people based upon their backgrounds were warped and unfair.

    My wake up call came when I needed certain people in my life and they certainly showed their true colors then.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Batya33, I wasn't giving labels. I was just giving examples of how I thought of people in categories when I was younger. In my previous ignorant mind, I thought that educated people were extra special due to their achievements and thumbed my nose at those who hailed from a humble lot.

    I never said ALL educated or uneducated people were the same. I said my distinction was skewed. I eventually discovered that just because a person has an education, it doesn't automatically give them high quality character and it's the same for a blue collar worker as well. It's just that I had previously placed educated people on a pedestal when I shouldn't have and I looked upon blue collar workers with disdain and as lazy.

    Then the true test came in my life when I thought I could entrust certain educated people in my sphere. To the contrary, it was blue collar workers who actually came to my rescue instead. Go figure. I'm not saying all people are in certain camps. I'm saying that my previous preconceived notions of people based upon their backgrounds were warped and unfair.

    My wake up call came when I needed certain people in my life and they certainly showed their true colors then.
    Yes, I now understand it was your own specific labeling. But when you explained it it seemed skewed as far as only educated people showing arrogance and as you now clarified you didn't mean only educated. But your previous post gave that impression to me.I'm so glad you developed that insight! I also used to put the "double harvard" guys on a pedestal. I was wrong as you were in the past. I get exactly what you are saying and sharing.

  9. #28
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    I appreciate all the responses.
    Last edited by Savannian27; 06-07-2019 at 02:51 PM.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Sounds like John is forever indebted to Bobby for defending him against bullies ever since their school days. There is nothing wrong with that as long as John doesn't feel obliged at the sacrifice of his marriage.

    If John spends too much time with Bobby, I can see how disgruntled you must feel because I went through something similar.

    A single friend of my husband's would call him up telling him about extra tickets to an ice hockey game, asked to meet him for meals frequently, called, texted, blew up his phone, etc. I'm not saying married spouses can't have friends but there needs to be boundaries somewhere if a person has a friend-hog. Balance is key. Also, if there are spouses, spouses should be enough for them generally. Friendships shouldn't infringe upon marriage time and energy.

    It's really your husband's choice regarding whether or not he wishes to retain his friendship with Bobby or not. He's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions based upon how much time, desire, interest and energy he has for his long time friend.

    As long as their get togethers are reasonable and not a financial hardship on your married finances, I don't see what the problem is. Are you jealous because they're friends and you feel pushed aside or left out? I was once you because my husband's time with his friend was over the top too much. I influenced my husband to at least scale back not to mention it became expensive socially. A baby was on the way, I needed my husband's focus, time, energy and we couldn't afford it as opposed to the single guy's disposable income.

    Bobby's background is irrelevant. Perhaps John has compassion for his financial plight and disadvantaged circumstances. Also, not everyone reciprocates due to finances or they simply don't possess any social graces and conscientiousness to do so. Many friendships don't keep score and it's unconditional.

    I know where you're coming from though. My younger brother's so-called friend takes advantage of his generosity and kindness. This friend and his wife milk it for all its worth by constantly asking my brother to help them move, help their clients move, always calls my brother to do heavy, all day physical labor such as major landscaping and grunt work; all for a slice of pizza. As a big sister, I felt infuriated. I told my brother to learn how to say, "NO" because people use others when they always say "YES." My brother has his limits and eventually the friend's requests ceased. However, this friendship was only based upon using my brother which is sick. Fortunately, my brother is very busy with his job and the gravy train eventually stopped.

    I think as long as your husband's time with his friend is reasonable, he should keep his friend, Bobby since they go way back such as their school days. I'm married and my best friend from 4th grade was my maid-of-honor. Fortunately, we reside locally. Our sons are the same age. To this day we get together for all day outings at least once a month. I wouldn't want my husband to forbid me from retaining my dear childhood friendship.

    (As an aside, there are two husbands in my family tree who are extremely jealous of their wive's friendships. They manipulate and control those friendships to the point of going all the way. These husbands physically harass female friends or say something extremely disrespectful, inappropriate and rude in order to push female friends out of the picture. They've since succeeded but the problem is, this causes extreme alienation, estrangement, family members taking sides and major rifts.)

    As long as Bobby doesn't take advantage monetarily and occupy too much of your husband's time, energy and brain space, it should be ok to have him as your husband's friend.

    The part that bothers me is your husband comparing you to his ex. You need to have a long, in depth (non-distracted) conversation about this because his comment was uncalled for. Either receive a sincere apology for that awful comment or ensure that he won't talk down to you like that in the future. I wouldn't forget about a comment like that either. Don't stew in silence over that.

    Jealousy is not my style, so I don't engage in it. I feel for your younger brother and I know exactly what that can feel like - that was my brother too actually, but they've lost touch. I don't think John should sever the relationship, it's more like keep him, but give room to make more newer friends.

    My husband was not the one to compare me to his ex - Bobby did. My talk with John was already pretty clear on that, and he didn't like it either when Bobby did it. That's why when I say "we" that means John and myself - we don't bring her up, she's not mentioned in any conversations between us, but Bobby does. I agree with you on the idea of not stewing in silence over that, next time it happens he'll hear about it.

    Thank you for your input, I really enjoyed reading your posts ;-)

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Savannian27
    Jealousy is not my style, so I don't engage in it. I feel for your younger brother and I know exactly what that can feel like - that was my brother too actually, but they've lost touch. I don't think John should sever the relationship, it's more like keep him, but give room to make more newer friends.

    My husband was not the one to compare me to his ex - Bobby did. My talk with John was already pretty clear on that, and he didn't like it either when Bobby did it. That's why when I say "we" that means John and myself - we don't bring her up, she's not mentioned in any conversations between us, but Bobby does. I agree with you on the idea of not stewing in silence over that, next time it happens he'll hear about it.

    Thank you for your input, I really enjoyed reading your posts ;-)
    If John has your back, I think that if Bobby says something about the ex, unless you are in a big group of other friends or family, just let it roll off your back where it would have truly been embarrassing. Say to yourself "that's just Bobby". If John was agreeing with him or trashing either you or the ex, then i would worry about it. I think that you need to allow your husband to make other friends when he wants to.

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