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My husband's best friend not the best quality?


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Hi Everyone,

 

So my husband and I have been married for 2 years now, together for 6. Still feel new to the marriage-life, but all in all we are good.

 

I've been battling this issue inside my head now for awhile, and I'm in need of ADVICE!

 

My husband (John) has had this buddy, (Bobby) dating way back to the elementary school days. I've heard stories and I know that Bobby was mainly there as a great friend and supporter to John especially when it came to bullies in school. They've always had this kind of risky / rebels without a cause type connection between them, it's as plain as day. He's just one of those boys John can kick back and say whatever he wants, with no judgment.

 

So he's a great friend to John and I by no means want to be that wife that tells him to cut off the friends of which I think he shouldn't be friends with. Bobby was there for John in more ways than I can count, and I'm grateful for that.

 

For starters on my issue here though, just from my own personal opinion, Bobby is not what I would call a good quality friend. What I mean by that is someone who reciprocates, someone who is mature and responsible, and makes good decisions in their life. I'm not trying to patronize or claim that John or myself are so much better or anything like that, however I can't say that Bobby has any ounce of those things. He's gotten fired from numerous jobs over the years because of mouthing off & disagreeing with his bosses, or just flat out quitting and deciding not to show up one day. The wife takes on the financial burden. They have 3 boys, live in a trailer, the list goes on. There's always something that John can do for him, but no return is given. I know guys don't typically set things up unless it's poker night or something, but not once have I seen Bobby make that effort with John. Even just grabbing a beer at a bar every once in awhile would be fine in my book, but that's asking too much of Bobby. I know also we can all be hit with hard times financially speaking, but there's a difference between learning from your mistakes & moving on, versus deciding to stay the course and blame everything else for your problems. Quality means something to me.

 

I have been diplomatic and smart in the way that I word things to John when it comes to anything related with Bobby, but John very much wants to keep that friendship. What really was the last straw for me was being compared to John's ex-wife. We don't talk about her, nor do we want to, wasn't even really a marriage just a manipulation scheme made by her. I am the forgiving type, but I certainly don't forget something like that.

 

What I would really love is for John to learn how to shed old friends. The people who don't stick around or don't reciprocate or not even a phone call every once in awhile, they aren't the people you hold on to in my opinion.

 

Please help. Thanks!

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Hi Everyone,

 

So my husband and I have been married for 2 years now, together for 6. Still feel new to the marriage-life, but all in all we are good.

 

I've been battling this issue inside my head now for awhile, and I'm in need of ADVICE!

 

My husband (John) has had this buddy, (Bobby) dating way back to the elementary school days. I've heard stories and I know that Bobby was mainly there as a great friend and supporter to John especially when it came to bullies in school. They've always had this kind of risky / rebels without a cause type connection between them, it's as plain as day. He's just one of those boys John can kick back and say whatever he wants, with no judgment.

 

So he's a great friend to John and I by no means want to be that wife that tells him to cut off the friends of which I think he shouldn't be friends with. Bobby was there for John in more ways than I can count, and I'm grateful for that.

 

For starters on my issue here though, just from my own personal opinion, Bobby is not what I would call a good quality friend. What I mean by that is someone who reciprocates, someone who is mature and responsible, and makes good decisions in their life. I'm not trying to patronize or claim that John or myself are so much better or anything like that, however I can't say that Bobby has any ounce of those things. He's gotten fired from numerous jobs over the years because of mouthing off & disagreeing with his bosses, or just flat out quitting and deciding not to show up one day. The wife takes on the financial burden. They have 3 boys, live in a trailer, the list goes on. There's always something that John can do for him, but no return is given. I know guys don't typically set things up unless it's poker night or something, but not once have I seen Bobby make that effort with John. Even just grabbing a beer at a bar every once in awhile would be fine in my book, but that's asking too much of Bobby. I know also we can all be hit with hard times financially speaking, but there's a difference between learning from your mistakes & moving on, versus deciding to stay the course and blame everything else for your problems. Quality means something to me.

 

I have been diplomatic and smart in the way that I word things to John when it comes to anything related with Bobby, but John very much wants to keep that friendship. What really was the last straw for me was being compared to John's ex-wife. We don't talk about her, nor do we want to, wasn't even really a marriage just a manipulation scheme made by her. I am the forgiving type, but I certainly don't forget something like that.

 

What I would really love is for John to learn how to shed old friends. The people who don't stick around or don't reciprocate or not even a phone call every once in awhile, they aren't the people you hold on to in my opinion.

 

Please help. Thanks!

 

The part I have bolded is really the only thing that matters at the end of the day. If John wants to keep the friendship then the conversation ends there and to be honest I am unsure as to why you are concerned. Why does it matter how Bobby lives his life? What does that have to do with you, honestly?

 

Whether or not Bobby "does" things for John, what Bobby does for work, what Bobby's own marriage is like, doesn't matter... it What matters is whether John feels satisfied with the emotional support he gets from Bobby, and from the sounds of your first paragraph, he genuinely feels that way. I think you and your husband define quality differently... where for you quality has to do with what a person does, how they reciprocate, how they live life, for John quality is determined by the connection he feels with that individual.

 

The only advice I have is that you need to work on tolerance of this individual because it doesn't sound like he is going anywhere. And to let go of trying to control who your husband's friends are trust that he can make his own decisions in this area.

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Hi Everyone,

 

My husband (John) has had this buddy, (Bobby) dating way back to the elementary school days. I've heard stories and I know that Bobby was mainly there as a great friend and supporter to John especially when it came to bullies in school.

 

So he's a great friend to John and I by no means want to be that wife that tells him to cut off the friends of which I think he shouldn't be friends with. Bobby was there for John in more ways than I can count, and I'm grateful for that.

 

For starters on my issue here though, just from my own personal opinion, Bobby is not what I would call a good quality friend.

 

John very much wants to keep that friendship. What really was the last straw for me was being compared to John's ex-wife. We don't talk about her, nor do we want to, wasn't even really a marriage just a manipulation scheme made by her. I am the forgiving type, but I certainly don't forget something like that.

 

What I would really love is for John to learn how to shed old friends. The people who don't stick around or don't reciprocate or not even a phone call every once in awhile, they aren't the people you hold on to in my opinion.

 

Please help. Thanks!

 

Okay, so I am a little confused by your post. Mainly because you appear to be filled with contradictions. You admit Bobby was a good friend to John, then later say you don't consider him a good friend. You say you don't judge, then go on to judge Bobby.

 

You say your husband wants to remain friends with Bobby, but that you prefer he ditch him. You say that you don't talk about his ex-wife, but somehow she was brought up, and if she was a terrible person and you are happy, then I'm not sure why you care?

What exactly was said about her to make you this angry? And again, if you don't think Bobby is a "quality person" then why does it matter what he thinks/says?

 

The bottom line is- You cannot know everything these two men went through together. You weren't there. Bonds like this that develop can stay for life. If your husband is flat out saying that he wants to remain friends, that's it. He wants to remain friends. I recommend just avoiding him yourself if he bugs you this much. When Bobby comes over, go out. You don't have to be his friend in order for your husband to be his friend.

 

You can't control your husband, how he thinks, or his feelings. It's interesting to me that you refer to his ex-wife as manipulative and this friend as a "user" essentially- IMVHO, Perhaps your husband has trouble picking "quality people". The common denominator is him. I'd say the red flags here lie with your husband. Either he A. Has co-dependency issues and selects people based on that or B. He is not being fully honest with you about the scope of the relationships between him and this friend and him and his ex. He's either told you what you want to hear or doesn't take responsibility for his actions in relationships. Either way, your husband seems to have problems navigating healthy relationships. He ditched his ex, he could ditch this friend, but at the end of the day- if he continues to choose people that are "bad for him", the cycle will just continue. This isn't about Bobby, it's about John.

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Long and drawn out word gymnastics about a simple point - you want your hubby to quit being friends with Bobby. Quit prevaricating - you know it's wrong and you know you are being manipulative. Kind of ironic since you say that your husband's ex-wife was manipulative....yet here you are being equally manipulative. Seems that the sore point for you is Bobby has read you just right.

 

Bobby is a life long friend of your husband. Period. Full stop. How Bobby lives his life, what he does, what choices he makes, where he lives - none of your business. The only thing that's relevant here is that your husband enjoys this friendship for his own reasons. You need to keep your nose out of that and maybe learn to judge less and accept people more....and lies less to yourself and others....

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Wow, I cannot imagine trying to get rid of my husband's friends. In fact, he has a friend that was completely not my cup of tea when we met 30 years ago -- misogynistic, womanizer, coarse -- but my husband loved him and he loved my husband. In fact, he was the kind of friend who would help him hide a body, so to speak. Well, about 15 years ago, he got married, to someone so much higher quality than the rest of us expected that we were nearly incoherent at the wedding. He has improved, he is a good husband and father, although he is still kind of coarse and still not someone I want to hang around, but who cares? I encourage my husband to see him whenever they are in town together because it makes my husband happy to see him. And this friend's general treatment and view of women has improved geometrically since his marriage and the birth of his VERY strong-willed daughter. Why do you want to remove a source of happiness from your husband's life?

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I have been diplomatic and smart in the way that I word things to John when it comes to anything related with Bobby, but John very much wants to keep that friendship. What really was the last straw for me was being compared to John's ex-wife. We don't talk about her, nor do we want to, wasn't even really a marriage just a manipulation scheme made by her. I am the forgiving type, but I certainly don't forget something like that.

 

I think this is what is eating at you.

 

What did Bobby say about John's ex-wife that hurt you, OP? And what was your husband's response to these comments?

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I'm not sure how much diplomacy or smartness works when you simply don't like someone that much. It's going to come out in every pore of your body and hang onto every strand of hair you have on you. I don't think your husband or Bobby are easily fooled and they see that resentment and distaste you have for Bobby overall. It makes you a hostile person and suspicious (you can't be trusted).

 

I agree with trying to uncover what upsets you so much about Bobby and why it's so difficult to like him. You mentioned some very judgmental things about the way he lives his life and how incompatible it is or no good it is. It's fine to have an opinion but surely you must have known about your husband's choice in friends long before you married. It's unfair to expect John to let go of his support network especially when it's not particularly threatening your marriage in any way.

 

If you do feel threatened about your finances and if you think John may be hurt or your personal life affected, I'd encourage you to speak to your husband. You're going to have to be more level-headed than simply calling Bobby out on his trailer home or the way you think he doesn't raise his kids or support his wife right as those things are really none of your business and cause you to appear very aggressive and rude/no manners of your own. If it affects your relationship with your husband and affects your personal life (you as a person or together as a couple), talk about it with your husband.

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As long as John is not giving money to Bobby (buying him a beer or treating like that is fine and is his own mad money and is none of your business) to pay his bills, I think you should leave the friendship alone. We have all kinds of friends. Bobby defended John when it came to bullies. He has his back. He is a true friend when the cards are down. It really sounds uppity that you mention they live in a trailer. My aunt lives in a beautiful modular home/trailer in a senior park. She rather live there and plant her flower boxes than live in an apartment on the 3rd floor. Its between Bobby an his wife what their finances are. Its not your business. It sounds like you rather your husband have friends were your caliber of income and station in life. I can see no other problem with the friendship.

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So he's a great friend to John and I by no means want to be that wife that tells him to cut off the friends of which I think he shouldn't be friends with.

 

What I would really love is for John to learn how to shed old friends.

 

^^^^So, which is it? It sounds like you are asking for advice on how to manipulate him into "shedding" his old friend without showing your true colors. You keep talking about "quality". Imo, a "quality" wife doesn't try to undermine her husband's friendships nor does she feel entitled to influence her husband's choice in friends as if he is a minor.

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If you look at their history John considers he owes Bobby still for looking out for him in school.

 

I can see where you don't want the man you love to be taken for granted which is what is going on here. The one way street where the only time you hear from a "friend" is when they want or need something is never a good street to be on. BUT John needs to decided that on his own.

 

I have shed plenty of people in my life like many have when you outgrow them or life takes you in different directions.

 

If Bobby disrespects you John should step in and straighten him out but their friendship is a long one that has lasted from grade school to now so learn to bite your tongue and avoid the guy as much as possible. You married a grown man so let him decide who to be friends with.

 

Lost

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btw what was the comparison with the ex wife?
I'd wonder as well, but I'll be honest, it'd better be a real dousey if you're here trying to manipulate your husband out of a friend-for-life.

 

I couldn't give two ****s if a friend of my wife didn't like me. They're her friends, not mine. Friends aren't spouses. You can fill them in where they fit and cut them out where they don't. If your partner's halfway mature, the friend and their opinions are zero threat. If one of her friends didn't like me but was a fantastic brunch buddy, I say good for them and their avocado toast.

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You seem to have a class issue with Bobby living in a trailer and having gone through several jobs. I'm not saying that's wrong. We all discriminate in the way we choose our friends. However, he's not your friend; he's your husband's friend.

 

Could you expand on the kinds of things that he asks John to do for him? Has John ever asked Bobby to do something for him and he's refused?

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Do you have any proof that your husband is in any way negativelly affected by his friend?

 

Sometimes people who worry too much and play it safe need a friend that is quite the opposite to run away from daily worries. It doesnt mean they will start making "bad" decisions, or that they don't see them as bad decisions.

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I agree with the others. Short of Bobby mistreating you or putting your husband in danger or trying to influence him to invest in a scam or the like it’s none of your business. I see it as one of my jobs to try to guide my 10 year old son through the challenging aspects of making and developing friendships - not my husband.

Not that my husband needs my guidance or unsolicited input- but I treat him like an adult quite capable of making his own choices. We’ve both sought out each other’s input about friendships over the years but that’s one adult asking advice of another adult. And yes we both are aware of each other’s favorite and not as favorite friends of the other - but no I wouldn’t try to manipulate the end of any of his friendships.

Last year I took my son to play at a friend’s house. I’d never cared for the mom. Found her shallow and superficial in our talks at the playground. Well. She sat down with me at a small table, made us tea and we really talked. For the first time. I learned about her experiences coming to our country and her challenges making friends and her new pursuit of art. It reminded me again and again that making snap judgments is wrong and I would have missed out on a chance to get to know a lovely person. Don’t assume you know Bobby. You don’t. Not the way your husband does. No I don’t suggest you have tea with him. Just assume your husband is emotionally intelligent and respect his bond with Bobby.

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Sounds like John is forever indebted to Bobby for defending him against bullies ever since their school days. There is nothing wrong with that as long as John doesn't feel obliged at the sacrifice of his marriage.

 

If John spends too much time with Bobby, I can see how disgruntled you must feel because I went through something similar.

 

A single friend of my husband's would call him up telling him about extra tickets to an ice hockey game, asked to meet him for meals frequently, called, texted, blew up his phone, etc. I'm not saying married spouses can't have friends but there needs to be boundaries somewhere if a person has a friend-hog. Balance is key. Also, if there are spouses, spouses should be enough for them generally. Friendships shouldn't infringe upon marriage time and energy.

 

It's really your husband's choice regarding whether or not he wishes to retain his friendship with Bobby or not. He's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions based upon how much time, desire, interest and energy he has for his long time friend.

 

As long as their get togethers are reasonable and not a financial hardship on your married finances, I don't see what the problem is. Are you jealous because they're friends and you feel pushed aside or left out? I was once you because my husband's time with his friend was over the top too much. I influenced my husband to at least scale back not to mention it became expensive socially. A baby was on the way, I needed my husband's focus, time, energy and we couldn't afford it as opposed to the single guy's disposable income.

 

Bobby's background is irrelevant. Perhaps John has compassion for his financial plight and disadvantaged circumstances. Also, not everyone reciprocates due to finances or they simply don't possess any social graces and conscientiousness to do so. Many friendships don't keep score and it's unconditional.

 

I know where you're coming from though. My younger brother's so-called friend takes advantage of his generosity and kindness. This friend and his wife milk it for all its worth by constantly asking my brother to help them move, help their clients move, always calls my brother to do heavy, all day physical labor such as major landscaping and grunt work; all for a slice of pizza. As a big sister, I felt infuriated. I told my brother to learn how to say, "NO" because people use others when they always say "YES." My brother has his limits and eventually the friend's requests ceased. However, this friendship was only based upon using my brother which is sick. Fortunately, my brother is very busy with his job and the gravy train eventually stopped.

 

I think as long as your husband's time with his friend is reasonable, he should keep his friend, Bobby since they go way back such as their school days. I'm married and my best friend from 4th grade was my maid-of-honor. Fortunately, we reside locally. Our sons are the same age. To this day we get together for all day outings at least once a month. I wouldn't want my husband to forbid me from retaining my dear childhood friendship.

 

(As an aside, there are two husbands in my family tree who are extremely jealous of their wive's friendships. They manipulate and control those friendships to the point of going all the way. These husbands physically harass female friends or say something extremely disrespectful, inappropriate and rude in order to push female friends out of the picture. They've since succeeded but the problem is, this causes extreme alienation, estrangement, family members taking sides and major rifts.)

 

As long as Bobby doesn't take advantage monetarily and occupy too much of your husband's time, energy and brain space, it should be ok to have him as your husband's friend.

 

The part that bothers me is your husband comparing you to his ex. You need to have a long, in depth (non-distracted) conversation about this because his comment was uncalled for. Either receive a sincere apology for that awful comment or ensure that he won't talk down to you like that in the future. I wouldn't forget about a comment like that either. Don't stew in silence over that.

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From your post it sounds to me like to be honest you are actually a snob. Unless you didn't mention certain other bad things Bobby has done, it doesn't even really sound like Bobby has done anything bad to you or to John. You are looking down on Bobby because he doesn't match the standard of person YOU would be friends with. Which I'm guessing is a person who is more financially well off, has a stable job and lives in a house, not a trailer. So yes financially Bobby doesn't measure up to what you want but for one thing, who cares that he lives in a trailer, that does not affect you or John. Friendship is not about money but it's about the friendship itself.

 

Bobby had been there for John in the past and stood up to the bullies. As someone who got bullied a lot at school, I can see the huge value in a friend actually sticking by you, being a true friend and standing up for you. Now maybe Bobby doesn't contact John as much, but they are not children anymore. Bobby has a wife and three kids, he is not free as a bird now, he has a family.

 

Whatever Bobby does in his own life and with his wife is quite frankly really none of your business. You don't get to tell them how they should run their marriage and who should work, etc. Also unless Bobby has done something specifically bad to you or your husband, you don't get to tell your husband who to be friends with either. It's his life, his friends.

 

If you don't like Bobby then OK that's how you feel, but when we marry someone we make a commitment to love and support our spouse. That includes supporting who they want to be friends with. Just because someone is rough around the edges or "trailer trash" as some might say, does not inherently make them a bad person. Sure, it makes them maybe uneducated or unambiguous, but not "bad" as a human being.

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My friend was 'John' and I was 'Bobby' long ago. My friend was well to do while I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. My friend always invited me into her big, beautiful home when we were children. Her SAHM (stay-at-home mom) cooked and baked for us all the time, I swam in their backyard pool every summer and had the time of my life. She had an older and younger brother who were nice. Her parents were awesome. My friend came from a very loving, nurturing, NORMAL, caring mom 'n pop 'n apple pie life. I felt so envious! I wished I had that. My parents worked a lot and divorced. I didn't have the nerve to invite my friend into my dilapidated home left in shambles. I would've loved to have reciprocated regularly but never did due to shame. I didn't want my friend to see where I lived. I felt very embarrassed and ashamed. There is no such thing as saying, "I was poor but happy!"

 

Fastforward and we grew up, married, had families and fortunately, both of us have happy, financially comfortable lives today. Neither of us moved faraway and only live 30 minutes apart. The only difference is I've since moved up in the world. I'm no longer embarrassed regarding where or how I live. Our husbands and us get together as a foursome for dinner on occasion but the majority of time it's just my BFF and I. We've come full circle and give each other moral support.

 

This priceless childhood friendship all began when we were only 9 years old. My BFF and her family never judged my economically disadvantaged circumstances. My BFF was my maid-of-honor, I too was in her bridal party and we go way back ever since we were 9 years old. She and her family gave me generous amounts of cash for my wedding.

 

When I was a child, they never waited for my family and me to reciprocate their generosity and unconditional kindness. I had never forgotten. Since I couldn't repay what my friend and her family had done for me, I reciprocated years later after I grew up. I brought meals to my friend's recently widowed mother, brought meals for my friend and her family every month for years, gave them lots of money post-funeral out of respect, gave her homemade gifts such as quilts, casserole carrier, potholders, French memo board, apron, clothes and more.

 

A lot of times people want to repay but they can't afford it so they don't do it. I couldn't afford it long ago but when I could, I repaid a thousandfold. Some people repay with their time, heart and labor instead of their wallet. Others repay just by remaining a good, humble, solid friend despite their blue collar status.

 

When I was younger, I only revered highly educated people which was a huge mistake. Then I found out that some highly educated people are full of themselves and on a real ego trip thinking they're better than everyone else. They're very haughty. Not all of them are but I've met and known some people including some extended family members who grew big heads due to their inflated egos. Some are sociopaths, gaslighters and they're a tricky, sneaky lot. They think they're so slick. Nowadays, while education is great, education and economic status doesn't buy you class.

 

Then I've known blue collar types who don't earn a lot of money but they're friendly, hospitable, down-to-earth, humble and kind. They're not worldly. I once looked upon them with great disdain until I got to know them better. Some even helped me during emergencies when a bunch of stuffed shirts never gave me the time of day. These people really changed my view of them.

 

Don't judge a book by its cover.

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There's no law that says we need to like a spouse's friends or visa versa. However, if we're smart, we can recognize that a loyal friend from childhood precedes us in terms of history and bonds of loyalty. So the terrific qualities you've found in your husband are owned by him partly because of his history with friend or despite the friend. So there's nothing to 'improve' there, especially by causing a rift in your own relationship over the friend.

 

If friend doesn't host parties, then good! You're not being asked to spend time socializing as the trailer. Whatever imbalance you've observed in gratitude or material expression is the dynamic that your husband approves, and for his own reasons--such as an eternal gratitude for the help friend has given husband over the course of younger years.

 

I would decide whether I want to make my acceptance of husbands choice in a friend easier on myself or harder. I can wear a critical lens to view friend as problematic, which will keep ME miserable, or I can adopt a kinder lens and learn how to be more generous with my own focus.

 

It's a decision, so choose wisely.

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Okay, so your husbands' friend is not the greatest. It's too bad, but this has nothing to do with you. If you don't like him, don't be around him. Simple.

 

You can't talk bad about his friend, that will make you look like he bad guy.

 

The only thing you could do would be to introduce your husband to other men he might become friends with.

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When I was younger, I only revered highly educated people which was a huge mistake. Then I found out that some highly educated people are full of themselves and on a real ego trip thinking they're better than everyone else. They're very haughty. Not all of them are but I've met and known some people including some extended family members who grew big heads due to their inflated egos. Some are sociopaths, gaslighters and they're a tricky, sneaky lot. They think they're so slick. Nowadays, while education is great, education and economic status doesn't buy you class.

 

"Then I've known blue collar types who don't earn a lot of money but they're friendly, hospitable, down-to-earth, humble and kind. They're not worldly. I once looked upon them with great disdain until I got to know them better. Some even helped me during emergencies when a bunch of stuffed shirts never gave me the time of day. These people really changed my view of them."

 

 

I've met arrogant people who had college degrees and those who did not, smart people who never went to college and were people of integrity and not so smart people who did go to college and were people of integrity - true class- meaning down home genuine values and trustworthiness and compassion -defies those labels IMO. I don't like the categorization or the assumption that education = class or education = arrogance, etc. I love your story about your friend. What a special relationship and I hope the OP takes it to heart a thousand fold.

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