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Thread: My husband's best friend not the best quality?

  1. #11
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    As long as John is not giving money to Bobby (buying him a beer or treating like that is fine and is his own mad money and is none of your business) to pay his bills, I think you should leave the friendship alone. We have all kinds of friends. Bobby defended John when it came to bullies. He has his back. He is a true friend when the cards are down. It really sounds uppity that you mention they live in a trailer. My aunt lives in a beautiful modular home/trailer in a senior park. She rather live there and plant her flower boxes than live in an apartment on the 3rd floor. Its between Bobby an his wife what their finances are. Its not your business. It sounds like you rather your husband have friends were your caliber of income and station in life. I can see no other problem with the friendship.

  2. #12
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    btw what was the comparison with the ex wife?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Savannian27
    So he's a great friend to John and I by no means want to be that wife that tells him to cut off the friends of which I think he shouldn't be friends with.

    What I would really love is for John to learn how to shed old friends.
    ^^^^So, which is it? It sounds like you are asking for advice on how to manipulate him into "shedding" his old friend without showing your true colors. You keep talking about "quality". Imo, a "quality" wife doesn't try to undermine her husband's friendships nor does she feel entitled to influence her husband's choice in friends as if he is a minor.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    If you look at their history John considers he owes Bobby still for looking out for him in school.

    I can see where you don't want the man you love to be taken for granted which is what is going on here. The one way street where the only time you hear from a "friend" is when they want or need something is never a good street to be on. BUT John needs to decided that on his own.

    I have shed plenty of people in my life like many have when you outgrow them or life takes you in different directions.

    If Bobby disrespects you John should step in and straighten him out but their friendship is a long one that has lasted from grade school to now so learn to bite your tongue and avoid the guy as much as possible. You married a grown man so let him decide who to be friends with.

    Lost

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    btw what was the comparison with the ex wife?
    I'd wonder as well, but I'll be honest, it'd better be a real dousey if you're here trying to manipulate your husband out of a friend-for-life.

    I couldn't give two ****s if a friend of my wife didn't like me. They're her friends, not mine. Friends aren't spouses. You can fill them in where they fit and cut them out where they don't. If your partner's halfway mature, the friend and their opinions are zero threat. If one of her friends didn't like me but was a fantastic brunch buddy, I say good for them and their avocado toast.

  7. #16
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    You seem to have a class issue with Bobby living in a trailer and having gone through several jobs. I'm not saying that's wrong. We all discriminate in the way we choose our friends. However, he's not your friend; he's your husband's friend.

    Could you expand on the kinds of things that he asks John to do for him? Has John ever asked Bobby to do something for him and he's refused?

  8. #17
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    Do you have any proof that your husband is in any way negativelly affected by his friend?

    Sometimes people who worry too much and play it safe need a friend that is quite the opposite to run away from daily worries. It doesnt mean they will start making "bad" decisions, or that they don't see them as bad decisions.

  9. #18
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    I agree with the others. Short of Bobby mistreating you or putting your husband in danger or trying to influence him to invest in a scam or the like itís none of your business. I see it as one of my jobs to try to guide my 10 year old son through the challenging aspects of making and developing friendships - not my husband.
    Not that my husband needs my guidance or unsolicited input- but I treat him like an adult quite capable of making his own choices. Weíve both sought out each otherís input about friendships over the years but thatís one adult asking advice of another adult. And yes we both are aware of each otherís favorite and not as favorite friends of the other - but no I wouldnít try to manipulate the end of any of his friendships.
    Last year I took my son to play at a friendís house. Iíd never cared for the mom. Found her shallow and superficial in our talks at the playground. Well. She sat down with me at a small table, made us tea and we really talked. For the first time. I learned about her experiences coming to our country and her challenges making friends and her new pursuit of art. It reminded me again and again that making snap judgments is wrong and I would have missed out on a chance to get to know a lovely person. Donít assume you know Bobby. You donít. Not the way your husband does. No I donít suggest you have tea with him. Just assume your husband is emotionally intelligent and respect his bond with Bobby.

  10. #19
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    Is this guy borrowing money and not paying back?

  11. #20
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Sounds like John is forever indebted to Bobby for defending him against bullies ever since their school days. There is nothing wrong with that as long as John doesn't feel obliged at the sacrifice of his marriage.

    If John spends too much time with Bobby, I can see how disgruntled you must feel because I went through something similar.

    A single friend of my husband's would call him up telling him about extra tickets to an ice hockey game, asked to meet him for meals frequently, called, texted, blew up his phone, etc. I'm not saying married spouses can't have friends but there needs to be boundaries somewhere if a person has a friend-hog. Balance is key. Also, if there are spouses, spouses should be enough for them generally. Friendships shouldn't infringe upon marriage time and energy.

    It's really your husband's choice regarding whether or not he wishes to retain his friendship with Bobby or not. He's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions based upon how much time, desire, interest and energy he has for his long time friend.

    As long as their get togethers are reasonable and not a financial hardship on your married finances, I don't see what the problem is. Are you jealous because they're friends and you feel pushed aside or left out? I was once you because my husband's time with his friend was over the top too much. I influenced my husband to at least scale back not to mention it became expensive socially. A baby was on the way, I needed my husband's focus, time, energy and we couldn't afford it as opposed to the single guy's disposable income.

    Bobby's background is irrelevant. Perhaps John has compassion for his financial plight and disadvantaged circumstances. Also, not everyone reciprocates due to finances or they simply don't possess any social graces and conscientiousness to do so. Many friendships don't keep score and it's unconditional.

    I know where you're coming from though. My younger brother's so-called friend takes advantage of his generosity and kindness. This friend and his wife milk it for all its worth by constantly asking my brother to help them move, help their clients move, always calls my brother to do heavy, all day physical labor such as major landscaping and grunt work; all for a slice of pizza. As a big sister, I felt infuriated. I told my brother to learn how to say, "NO" because people use others when they always say "YES." My brother has his limits and eventually the friend's requests ceased. However, this friendship was only based upon using my brother which is sick. Fortunately, my brother is very busy with his job and the gravy train eventually stopped.

    I think as long as your husband's time with his friend is reasonable, he should keep his friend, Bobby since they go way back such as their school days. I'm married and my best friend from 4th grade was my maid-of-honor. Fortunately, we reside locally. Our sons are the same age. To this day we get together for all day outings at least once a month. I wouldn't want my husband to forbid me from retaining my dear childhood friendship.

    (As an aside, there are two husbands in my family tree who are extremely jealous of their wive's friendships. They manipulate and control those friendships to the point of going all the way. These husbands physically harass female friends or say something extremely disrespectful, inappropriate and rude in order to push female friends out of the picture. They've since succeeded but the problem is, this causes extreme alienation, estrangement, family members taking sides and major rifts.)

    As long as Bobby doesn't take advantage monetarily and occupy too much of your husband's time, energy and brain space, it should be ok to have him as your husband's friend.

    The part that bothers me is your husband comparing you to his ex. You need to have a long, in depth (non-distracted) conversation about this because his comment was uncalled for. Either receive a sincere apology for that awful comment or ensure that he won't talk down to you like that in the future. I wouldn't forget about a comment like that either. Don't stew in silence over that.

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