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Thread: Advice needed. He wanted a break, is this an excuse?

  1. #1
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    Advice needed. He wanted a break, is this an excuse?

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months. Things were going okay at the start. He then went on holiday, and I saw he met women over there that he followed on social media. Of course, this bothered me.

    After he got back, our conversations seemed shorter and we both started to pull away a little. He then said he feels like we’ve gone stale. And that he felt through out the relationship it was him putting in more effort than me. At the beginning, this is true, but only because it took me a while to trust him. Which I later ended up not being able to given his very active behaviour on social media.

    He got back from vacation a few days ago, and said he wants a break. He said he still likes me, but feels the spark is absent at present. He said he wants to go on a break and needs ‘space’ to see if he misses me. Of course, this has hurt me really bad. We have now had no contact for 4 days.

    How will this play out? Can a relationship ever really work after a break? Does anybody have any similar experiences?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    A break isn't going to make the 'spark' suddenly re-appear.

    How often did you see him when he was your 'boyfriend'? Did you ever have a talk about being exclusive?

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    I used to spend most time at his place, around 4 days a week and we discussed me moving there

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    Sounds like a nonsense excuse, perhaps going on the guys holiday has made him realise he wants to be single. I would cut my losses at 5 months and move on personally.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    Sounds like a nonsense excuse, perhaps going on the guys holiday has made him realise he wants to be single. I would cut my losses at 5 months and move on personally.
    I second this. Five months in—and I say that as a man who just crossed the five month mark with his girlfriend—should be pure honeymoon stuff. The rocket engines are still switching on, gurgling and growling, the rocket soon to take off and transport you both to mysterious lands unknown, together. Not the time when you go from boyfriend/girlfriend to engineers trying to repair a broken rocket.

    Talks of "breaks?" Of "getting closer" by "some time apart"? That's the stuff for five years in, and even then it's a Hail Mary tossed up out of fear, attachment, and some strand of emotional dishonesty swirling around in one of both hearts. Success rate is low, you know?

    I'm really sorry you're going through this. Hurt is hurt, and I know this hurts. But even in your brief post I can't help but feel like you two haven't quite clicked authentically in your short time together. When you didn't trust him, he was hard on the gas. When you surrendered a bit, he withdrew. Seesaw stuff. A lot of the time, with some clear eyes, that reveals itself to be incompatibility.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not feeling good reading anything about this person and I don't feel he's treating you well. His behaviours point towards someone who isn't self-actualized (doesn't know what he wants) and he doesn't know what commitment or relationship means (a bit too flighty and impulsive). All red flags to me.

    If you're looking for someone more level-headed this isn't the person for you.

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    Thank you for your insightful response. We had a lot of good times but also arguments and he was very jealous/controlling too.

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    I do agree. I feel like if he really wanted me he would be working through this with us.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Chloej123
    We had a lot of good times but also arguments and he was very jealous/controlling too.
    Ick. So, well, look at what's happening. Instead of missing him during even the briefest of breaks you're kind of seeing him—and what you had—through lens not fogged over by attachment.

    Arguments? Jealousy? Controlling stuff? No, not after five months. This is the foundation-building stage, and already your foundation is crumbling. Keep building on an iffy foundation and you end up living in a shoddy house.

  11. #10
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm sorry, but if he wanted to be with you, he'd never take the risk of losing you. Be careful not to demote yourself to own the title of a back burner girl, while he shops around for a better deal.

    Raise your standards...

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